It was again nothing doing day - my post at work just wouldn't load! I don't know what should I do with it, neither do I know what to do with the funny to tears restrictions applied on us by head directors, Yaroslav in Kiev is as much and even more (he has a ready web-site!) upset...

Anyway, I cleared out that Mishin doesn't work where before as he told me he will, so he's lost with my book again.

But Kostas came to see me and bring me little money I receive from the library. He said I'm changed now after my trip - became calmer. It was nice to hear that not only I think I try to change but that others notice, means - I'm really changing.

He of course asked me how it all was, so dinking beer, we talked and he actually gave me some new ideas. Most interesting probably is the comparison between me and Dima and my bro and his bride. Amazing how Kostas could give this idea but I think that's exactly the case! Because I knew what I know now what I need only AFTER that... and I know I COULD live all life long with Dima, only don't know how happy I would be, the same prognosis I gave to them... And I also felt with him most comfortable, more than with anyone before... So my strangely changing for worse all the time opinions may be true... Or may be not.

The main thing I understand today is that he's not ready for me and looks very probable that I'm not ready for him either, but what I feel is love deeper than me and beyond death and it doesn't matter what is in real life because on higher plan it's an unbreakable union. Afterall, we will both changing lifes and I think even God wouldn't know now what can befall to us later, but if never nothing better, even than - I'm happy to have him and I'll wait in my heart beyond death... It doesn't mean I'm going to become a munk! Just... I'm INDEED TIRED OF THINKING, so now let's just wait and see...

Oh, forgot to tell my own new idea - that I probably NOW would better stop communicating with my N-bro, because I'm afraid he'll find the comfort he won't with his wife in communication with me, so I better stand away so that he learns his lesson faster and better, or I risk to always be kind of third support leg and thus will never let it fall... Although it can be too early anyway, and yet... If there is any chance in this life, I would like to take it... Yet, if I stop communication I'll lose my privilege of older and more knowing, what can be bad also but not so bad.... OK, I have to think again about it... But SO lazy to think! May be indeed let it flow like it does? No, also because it flows I'm afraid into closer and closer being direction where the thing I'm suffering for can happen because if one day he calls I won't be able to say no even if he's still in relationship and that seems to be the very thing that I shouldn't do at any circumstances... But what the hell! If I could only know what he thinks of the same feelings he has for me of that union!... OK, for today we let it flow, there is nowhere to hurry anyway.