It has been a hard day for me today.

First, I felt very fragile and melancholic... suffering my womanly loneliness...

I had a pleasant dreams today (can't remeber what exactly) what should mean it's allright with my sexual energy (Bear Lunar day), although I don't know how it could be, not having had proper sex for ages.

But my feet hurt badly - those streets killed me. I had to wear summer shoes. Thank God it's hot on the street. Almost summer! The weather is perfect.

Bad news - I can't find my 100$ saved from first salary... I just hope I have put them somewhere I don't remeber. I think I should take them with me when Polina came but they're not in my bag, neither I saw them in my secret place where I thought of putting savings from this month... I would like to save not 100 but 200 but I've already spent 100 and need more... Well, perhaps we can play on rental - it's already time, but mom will be sad we don't pay off our apartment debt again yet. And yet I needed to spend the money I did spend this month... Little pleasure among useful things is a necessity too to feel normal! :-)

I've binded near home the norsk manuals while waiting for the photos to be printed. Only sadness - it costed a bit too much, more than my recommended letter to Norway, but I doubt I could bind for cheaper and I can't use those huge books just in pieces.

I managed finally to make a normal photo (yesterday's one was too blue) and send the photos set to bro. I also have written to my grandmo and send her at last photos from my las birthday as well as recent ones, taken after my coming back from Piter.

Time get lost somewhere at work - I didn't knew what to write properly in weekly report... But then again, impossible to really do several tasks at one time at this comp. Such as, fi Outlook si running and Netscape, no Photoshop!

Signed up for X-drive today but their system had some errors and I couldn't send the url (AudioCatalyst which my bro can't fetch with IE from Tripod - verified: some IE bug with their type of download offering).

Tania came yesterday. Seemed depressed. It came out that she couldn't find her boy-friend to say good bye because he was caught on selling marijuana and is in jail now! ANd his father saw her with another boy... She's in general got adventures, one afer another! But first, I'm happy she understood the dead-end of her relationship with this Serguey (and we were afraid with Slavik, what if they get married because it seemed to be close), and because finally she's got her adventures. As to me, bragging on loneliness... I know that anyway I've learned it all already and it's not interesting for me. But I think God could send me someone for good sheer unobligated but galant sex on permanent basis - I know there are people who'd go for it for different reasons without real relationship! ...God, please? I see and feel my young beauty and I know I can give a lot of pleasure and I want to receive pleasure... Please, could that help my body at last for a while? If you think I'm not still ready for the big relationship of my life (although I would greatly appreciate a suggestion because I see no reasons why, in many things I'm not worse than others who are allowed to!)... I know He must find me, but God, could it be sooner? It's spring and years my heart and body and sould long for love to give and receive, for this magic love souls dance..... May be I should finish my novel? OK, I'll work on it.......

And Bro disappeared somewhere... No word from him second day... OK, I can't blame him - he must be tired of my stupid love, but what can I do with it? At least he's not obligated too to make all those gorgeous efforts on supporting me morally all this time... May be that'll be better for everyone if he disappears at all... And the e-mails, he don't have to write them too, after all he has alot of worries and occupations now with his upcoming marriage and child birth... Who am I to take so much of his time as before? I'm spare... God, will there ever be someplace when *I* am at my place and needed?......

I feel down all day long, although it's a good day for beginning what could become great achievments, but I only want beer, to cuddle somewhere in a corner and noone touch me! I wonder, is this Moon day affecting me, is this because of Holy Friday (Jesus was crucified this days and priests all around city and with people are mourning!), PMS or what at all? No tries of cheering up really help, so I guess I just have to quietly stand this day. I don't like feeling unhappy, hope tomorrow will be better.

Forgot to say I've cleaned the apartment with candle yesterday (best day in the year for it - Clean Thursday). I also arranged by copying my Highlander video records (thank God, my neighbour from whom I borrow VCR sometimes was home)... BTW, have to go home at last, not the least - to give back the video to neighbour. And I feel really tired! I'm gone.