What follows is another form of donations to mankind for the "lite'r side" of life, laughter.   Learn to laugh, enjoy humor and you will never feel lonely - even if your wife leaves you!   Shit - you may even put an extra buck in the church Sunday donation basket!

    The first installment of "laughter donations" comes from another twisted soul making a living in Germany; retired from the Army; on the Most Wanted List .. No!   If you enjoy his sense of humor, write him a line or three ...

- Louis Boeckel  

    We folks that "drive" a desk, in the rear, have to have a weird sense of humor.   It's a requirement - for survival.   You would go nuts, if you couldn't laugh at yourself - serious.   We practice this ritual of laughing every day before our first cup of coffee and before returning from a work-break ...   Louis didn't know me before a few volley's of emails and recognizing my deep-rooted psycho make-up as a company clerk knew he found a match for .. "The Classified Cover Sheets" ...

    Again, I can not take any credit for his warped sense of humor, but I am hoping that it rubs off !   Now, remember - treat these classified document cover sheets no different than you would T.S. (Crypto) and you should see tommorrow .. that is, if you don't laugh yourself to death ...

FUTILE   .. for useless information; dumb projects, spit balls ...

STUPID   .. C.O.'s pet projects ...   Playboy magazine ...

BULLSHIT   .. self-explanatory ...   anything that isn't covered by above -- dumbo ...

/END OF INSTALLMENT/   .. destroy before you take a work-break ...

    The next ("sorry") individual is so twisted, warped (and ollld) he forgot how to get home from Thailand and decided (the hell with it) and stayed; married a local gal and spends all his free time at the "Lone Star" in Bangkok - when he's not taking a work-break as he retired a decade ago from USAID/Laos ...

    Without further introductions, MacAlan "Mac" Thompson - ex-Army Officer/Engineer and general, all-around screw up; hobbies: enjoys jumping out of perfectly good airplanes, choppers and who knows what else !       Visit Mac's bio page and I'm warning you now - it's graphic (both before & now) ..how the hell did he ever find a gal that would marry him ... must be one "smooth talker..."

   Date: Sat, 10 Mar 2001 08:49:02 +0700
     To: TLC-Brotherhood@NoPostage.com * (Click here for how to subscribe)
   From: MacAlan Thompson <mact@peak.org> Proud Member of the TLC Brotherhood
Subject: Air Force Speak
   
* Visit their web site, Thailand-Laos-Cambodia Brotherhood (T-L-C; TLC Brotherhood,)
  at http://www.tlc-brotherhood.org and sign up for a 60-day special trial offer 
  on the above List Server email system, browse the stories and find a "shit-load" 
  of air force vets!  Warning - the site may be too tame for army ...
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   From Hal Fischer, in Las Vegas

      Note and FYI, way down at the bottom there's the url for "email stripper" 
  which I just started using.  You do a copy and paste to the program, and it 
  takes all those annoying >> out of forwarded emails instantly.  I used to 
  use MS Word for this.  Copy and paste back to your email program and the 
  incoming is now clean and ready for forwarding on.

Mac

Subject:  Air Force Speak

Various Interpretations on "Why the Chicken Crossed the Road..."

Colonel:  Successful crossing, well planned and carried out in accordance 
          with my directives.

  Chief:  About time that thing worked; hope the Colonel's finally happy.

    NCO:  Changed two wings, a beak, and removed a bad egg, and the silly thing 
          still can't fly!

2nd Lt.:  Look at the pretty bird!

  TOWER:  

      The chicken was instructed to hold short of the road.  This 
      road-incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing 
      Report (HCRCR).  Please reemphasize that chickens are required to read 
      back all 'hold short' instructions.

COMMAND POST:  What chicken?

Air Education and Training Command (AETC):  

      The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures.  
      Road crossing should be performed only between the hours of sunset and 
      sunrise.  Solo chickens must have at least 3 miles of visibility and a 
      safety observer.

Air Force Special Operations Command (AFSOC):  

      The chicken crossed at a 90-degree angle to avoid prolonged exposure to a
      line of communication.  To achieve maximum surprise, the chicken should 
      perform this maneuver at night using NVGs, preferably near a road bend in 
      a valley.

Air Force Personnel Center (AFPC):  

      Due to the needs of the Air Force, the chicken was involuntarily reassigned 
      to the other side of the road.  This will be a 3-year controlled tour and 
      we promise to give the chicken a good-deal assignment afterwards.  Every 
      chicken will be required to do one road crossing during its career, and 
      this will not affect its opportunities for promotion.

Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA):  

      Despite what you see on CNN, I can neither confirm nor deny any fowl 
      performing acts of transit.  Questions?  Please see the SSO.

Air Force Reserve Command (AFRC):  

      If it didn't happen on a Saturday or Sunday, we missed it.

Air Force Foreign Technology Center (AFFTC):  

      This event will need confirmation; we need to repeat it using varied 
      chicken breeds, road types, and weather conditions to confirm whether it 
      can actually happen within the parameters specified for chickens and the 
      remote  possibility that they might cross thruways designated by some as 
      'roads.'

Air Combat Command (ACC):  

      The chicken should log this as a GCC sortie only if road-crossing 
      qualified.  The crossing updates the chicken's 60-day road-crossing 
      currency only if performed on a Monday or Thursday or during a full moon.
      Instructor chickens may update currency any time they observe another 
      chicken cross the road.

Pacific Air Force (PACAF):  

      We don't have chickens yet, as they haven't been funded.  The latest 
      projection is for chickens in FY2002, at which time they will be WRM assets 
      assigned to ACC.

Air Mobility Command (AMC):  

      The purpose is not important.  What is important is that the chicken 
      remained under the OPCON of USCINCTRANS and did not CHOP to the theater on 
      the other side of the road.  Without CHOPing, the chicken was able to 
      achieve a seamless road crossing with near perfect, real-time in-transit 
      visibility.

Tanker Airlift Control Center (TACC):  

      We need the road-crossing time and  the time the chicken becomes available 
      for another crossing.

Air Force Materiel Command (AFMC):  

      Recent changes in technology, coupled with today's multi-polar strategic 
      environment, have created new challenges in the chicken's ability to cross 
      the road.  The chicken was also faced with significant challenges to create 
      and develop core competencies required for this new environment.  AFMC's 
      Chicken Systems Program Office(CSPO), in a partnering relationship with the 
      client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy 
      and implementation processes.  Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) 
      CSPO helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital 
      and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes, and technology in 
      support of its overall strategy within a Program management framework.

      The CSPO convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and retired 
      chickens along with MITRE consultants with deep skills in the transportation 
      industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage 
      their personal knowledge and capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable 
      them synergism with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of de-
      livering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide 
      value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.  The 
      meeting was held in a park-like setting enabling and creating an impactful 
      environment which was strategically based, mission-focused, and built upon 
      a consistent, clear, and unified Mission Need Statement and aligned with the 
      chicken's mission, vision, and core values.  This was conducive towards the 
      creation of a total business integration solution. The Chicken Systems 
      Program Office helped the chicken change to continue meeting its mission 
      requirements.

C-130 CREWMEMBER:  Just put the damn bird in the back and let's go.

C-141 CREWMEMBER:  

      I ordered a #4 with turkey and ham, NOT Chicken!  Besides, where the heck 
      are my condiments?!  We ain't taking off til' I get my ^&*(%$$ condiments!!!

AWACS CREW:  

      Due to our being in a turn at that precise moment, we have no confirmation 
      of any chickens in the area at that time. Our ACE advises that such an event 
      is extremely unlikely, in any case.

FIGHTER JOCK:  

      Look, dude, that was the frag, OK?  I've flown my 1.0 for the day and I ain't 
      got time for any more questions!

F-117 PILOT:  

      Wasn't that great!  I snuck up on it at 2 feet AGL at 480 knots, illuminated 
      its tail feathers with the laser designator, and 'goosed' it  before it even 
      knew I was there!

B-1 CREW: Missed the whole show:  We had an IFE so we couldn't get out to 
          see it; you'll have to ask the SOF.

CHECKMATE:  

      The chicken used its unique ability to operate in 2 dimensions to bypass the 
      less important strategic rings on this side of the road and strike directly 
      into the heart of the enemy, destroying the will of the enemy to fight and 
      ending the conflict on terms favorable to the chicken.

CONGRESS: The chicken appears to be an efficient substitute for F-22s!


  Colonel Maureen Vaccaro SAF/IGR Senior Official Inquiries Air Force 
  Inspector General DSN 224-7612 or 703-614-7612 FAX:  DSN 223-5025 or 
  703-693-5025 Maureen.Vaccaro@pentagon.af.mil

  This email was cleaned by emailStripper, available for free from 
  http://www.printcharger.com/emailStripper.htm"

    As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

    This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPed will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPed employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers.) All employees who have been SLAPed and SCREWed may file an appeal with upper management.

    This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination.) The appeal will be heard by the Formal Upper-Management Taskforce for Identification and Legal Effectiveness (FUTILE) committee. FUTILE decisions are final. Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPed once, SCREWed twice, but may be SHAFTed as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependents or Spouse).

    As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPed or SCREWed by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Basic and Upper Level Learning (BULL) sessions. We take pride in the amount of BULL our employees receive. We have given our employees more BULL than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough BULL on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is especially trained to make sure you receive all the BULL you can stand.

    And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

    The Management