Sunday, July 27, 2003

Well, I can't sleep, so I decided to update. Today, I looked into my compact mirror and noticed how dry the bottom half of my face is, especially around my chin and jawlines. It's so dry!! It looked like I forgot to wipe off toothpaste foam after I brushed my teeth. Anyways, when I noticed that, I decided to cut off the BenzaClin.

I used BenzaClin for the past few days. And after 2 or 3 days, I've already become so damn dry!!! And I didn't even notice the dryness at home; we need better lightings and mirrors seriously.

So, yea, I'm laying off the BenzaClin. But I guess what got me to use it in the first place was that I thought it helped. I didn't really notice any big difference, but I guess I thought that it will dry up the pimples more, so it will go away quicker. Well, anyways, I don't really think it really helped that much and I haven't noticed any real bad effects from it other than the super-dryness. Let's hope I won't have any more new pimples coming out.

Anyways, I'm so sick and tired of the relentless zits around my jawlines. Damn them!! When will they go away??!!!

Almost 2.5 months and I'm still not jumping up for joy....=(

Thursday, July 31, 2003

I guess that I should add that I find myself scratching my arms and legs a lot. But other than that side effect, I don't think I have any other problems. I mean, of course, I'm depressed but I think that have more to do with the fact that I got terrible skin than with Accutane. It's the same depression I get whenever I'm inflicted with acne. A mix of frustration and sadness.

I still got dry lips but Chapstick works fine.

11th week:

Well, I really can't say whether my skin has gotten worse or better, but I took some pics yesterday on the digicam and I look awful!!!! I remember just a few months ago when my acne did not show that much. I can actually pass for ok skin and you can't really see acne in pics. Now, it's right there...even from afar. I feel so ugly!! So, I guess as compared to May, my skin has gotten worse, but as compared to last week? well, I don't really know.

Anyways, this week, for the past few days, I have decided to use Hydrogen Peroxide on open wounds. That happens quite often, especially when I wash my face. I figure that it makes sense to put some Hydrogen Peroxide on it since HP is made for cuts and wounds, so maybe HP will make it better? Well, I actually got the idea from another journal writer. She didn't write whether it was good or bad, just that she was using it. But Jenn (the original journal writer, I guess) wrote that she used it, too, and she wrote "I know it's bad, but I just can't resist" or something like that. So, it's bad??

Remember when I wrote in 7th week that I feel like my pimples are bumpier and harder. Well, I thought this week that it feels less bumpy. But then tonite, when I wash my face, I can feel the bumpiness especially on the cheeks area, but as I rinse off the Cetaphil, I realize that a lot of dead skin is coming off. I can feel the skin on my hands when I rinse them. And then when I open my eyes, I notice that I have dead skin coming off my face. In fact, so much was near the chin area, I feel like I was wiping off dirt, but then again, it could've came from the lips; I might have wipe off some dead skin on the lips and it landed on the chin. Either way, after I got rid of some of the dead skin, my face feel smoother again. I hope that this is a good sign.

Speaking of signs: Recently, I find myself running to the mirror every 5 mins to look at the condition of my face. I just can't resist even though, I know that it hasn't changed since the last 5 mins. So, that's definitely a bad sign that my skin is getting to me. Then, another sign that I should've noticed a long time ago, like a few weeks ago, should be the sign that I didn't wanna go out anymore. I didn't wanna go to parties or see people anymore. But I sorta got pass that, but not really; I'm only seeing mostly girls and close friends and boys I don't care for. Another sign is my acne panic from Tuesday. OMG! I was gonna leave work or quit it. But of course, I talked myself out of it. I told myself that I don't need to add no money to my list of problems and avoiding life is not the answer to great skin. But on Tues, I thought about going back to Proactiv or running to see my derm, but remembered that he was only in on Tues and Fri in the city and that Tues was already too late to make an appointment to see him. But I talked myself out of Proactiv also; I figure that I've spent so much time on Accutane, so might as well stick it out. Another sign was that I was itching to read the old journal entries from 2 years ago when I kept a journal on the progress of my skin. I kept telling myself not to read the entries, because I thought that it'd be an obvious sign that things are getting so bad that I'm comparing my past to now. Anyways, I finally couldn't resist and read it yesterday. Damn!! I think I was a lot worse 2 years ago!! And in a way, it sorta put things in perspective that I'm actually better now than I was once. That this is not the worse and I guess I should just relax and not freak out.

Anyways, the HP burns like crazy, but just for a lil while.

I hope next week will turn out to be a great week with lotsa positive improvements in my skin!!