Tuesday, August 26, 2003
I can't take it anymore. I finally broke down and cried tonight on my bed; this is the first time I ever cried for my acne. I've had bad acne before, but I've never cried, but I guess this time really took a toll on me. I am depressed, but NOT because of Accutane, but because of my acne! In a way, I guess you can blame accutane as well since it's not clearing me up yet. I am soooooooo sad and discouraged. Seriously, I think people get more depressed on Accutane NOT because of the drug itself, but the hope. The idea that it's this wonderdrug and then when people get badass results from it and don't get clear for a while, they get more depressed, because they think that not even the wonderdrug can help them. I know, because that's what I'm going through.
This is horrible!!!
I am just about to break down and go back to Proactiv, but I think it might just make things worse since my skin is not the same anymore. It's now dry and sensitive, instead of oily. I just can't take it anymore. I've given up so much. I barely go out; I quit my job; I don't meet people anymore; I basically confine myself to my house; I don't put on makeup; I don't wear my hair down; I do my laundry a lot more than I used to in order to keep my pillowcases and sheets clean; I drink lots of water; I cut out all my favorite food, like chocolate and ice cream; I don't call this guy I like back because I don't want to give him a chance to ask me out or even to hang out; I stop hanging with my friends as much; I feel like I'm distancing myself from them; I stop hanging out with my guy friends; I don't go clubbing or bar-hopping anymore; I don't drink; i don't smoke; and now, I think I might withdraw from school for a semester; What more does it want from me??!!!!!!!!
What more do I have to give up????????????
The saddest part is....it's not going to end tommorrow; it's not going to end next week...and even if accutane helps, I still got the red marks to deal with and that will take a few months, too. I want to see the guy that I like; I want to finish up school; I want to go to work, because I'm broke; I want to see my friends and chill with them like I used to.
But it looks like it will at least be a couple of months before that could happen again, or if at all...
Ok, be positive...be positive...breathe...(yes, I have to do things like this to keep myself calm now.)
**************
Came back from the derma. This isn't my 4th month visit, but an in-the-middle-of-month-crisis-i-need-peace-of-mind visit. Well, basically, he shot down every suggestions I made about helping my skin clear up. When he came in, he asked if I was getting better. I told him I don't know, but then, he said that I am getting better. (good)
Then I bombarded him with tons of questons. I asked him if I could use Proactiv with Accutane, and he and the nurse basically scoffed and laughed at the suggestion. Why does every derma I see thinks proactiv is a joke? My last derma from like 2 years ago lost all respect for me when I said that Proactiv helped me.
I asked him about vitamin E, cortisone injections, neosporin, and a load of other questions, and he basically said that they won't help me. He said that I'm on the strongest acne medication and any improvements I see on my face will be from Accutane and nothing else. The best way (or is it the only way) to get rid of the scars is by laser treatments and the redness will eventually go away by themselves.
Then, I told him that I've started to use moisturizer on face. He said that he usually don't advise the patients to use moisturizer unless it's over flaky, dry skin. He added that I shouldn't get used to using moisturizer every day unless the skin is really dry.
Throughout the whole discussion, I kept stressing that it's been 3 1/2 months and I still look like crap. He said that some people respond quicker and some slower and I'm in the slower crowd. Blah. Then, I asked him whether any of his other Accutane patients did not respond to Accutane and he said: "No, 100% response rate" (love that 100%) and "80% relapse rate" (but I think I might have gotten the relapse rate wrong...it doesn't seem to agree with other statistics...maybe he said 80% didn't relapse. I don't know...right now, I really only care about the response rate, and 100% is making me very happy.
I even asked him what shampoo should I use. He said just use shampoos that are for normal hair. Don't use shampoos that are for dry hair since there might be oil in them.
Yup, I threw him almost every question I could think of, and even when he had one foot out the door, I was still asking him questions and he finally had to jokingly say: "no more questions...heehee." Whatever, I just kept on going and he said that I've forgotten what I looked like when I first came to his office. I said that I looked better before and he disagreed and said "no, you had a lot of pus (or was it pustules?). And now, you don't have any." sigh...maybe I did forget what I looked like.
My derma seems to be very confident about Accutane. That's good; someone needs to be confident in this fight. At least he gave me real answers, not lukewarm answers like some doctors (i.e. "I don't know, we'll have to see" or "Let's try this and see if it would help" --- hate those doctors that doesn't seem to know what they're doing.)
Well, good thing, my derma is nice and seems friendly enough. So, I don't think he was annoyed with me and all my questions.
He sprayed some freezing stuff (I think it's nitrogen something) on my face every time I see him. I think this is the only other treatment that he believes in, at least while using Accutane. Last time, at his office, I backed away from it and said "What's the point if I just do it once a month" and he said that "this treatment (as in the nitrogen spray) can't be done every day; at most only every 2 weeks."
And oh yea, he finally threw that word that every Accutane user knows, but forgets, at me: PATIENCE!!!
2 1/2 months to go...I can do this!
Sunday, August 31, 2003
Week 15:
Skin is definitely looking less bad. A friend of mine said that my skin looked a lot better since the last time she saw me (which was about a week or 2 ago). I was so happy when she said it, because she just said it out of nowhere and just as an observation. I saw her today and she said that my skin is "getting better by the minute." Again, I am very happy to hear that. It is a very good sign when someone else is telling you that your skin is getting better.
I still have bumps on my face and many red marks. I hope they will go away soon. My cheeks are my worst areas. My neck and forehead still have a few pimples. There a few pimples off-center from my chin as well.
I still breakout. In fact, yesterday I got 3 new ones on my ride temple (which was clear before) and one new one on my left temple. I suspect that it might be because I left my hair down the day before.
Although, I am still far away from being clear, I have noticed improvements. I am also happy and thankful for the improvements, but I must remember that Accutane is a rollercoaster ride; there will be up and down days. But I hope from now on, my skin will just continue to get better.
***staying optimistic*fingers crossed***
Previous Next Home