From: Melvin Harry Pollack 
Date: Mon, 3 Mar 1997 09:38:35 -0500 (EST)
Subject: USS Chesapeake - Taking Care of Business

NRPG:  For those of you who have already received this message, I
apologize.  My mail system is making it somewhat difficult to send this
message.  Maybe it's a literary comment.
RPG:
[2nd Officer's Log, Stardate 90302.1550.  Having arrived on my new ship, I
have finished unpacking and I am ready to settle in.  However, my work may
be ready to settle me into insanity....]
[You have mail.  Currently, there are 1573 unopened messages.]
	"You have got to be kidding me."
[Humor is not part of my protocols.  Would you care to have the messages
sorted by sender, subject, or date?]
	"On second thought, I think I'll skip checking my messages,"
th'Tellan said as he stood up from his desk.  "Just give me the highest
priority messages."
[Lt Anne Murray has requested a rearrangement of furniture in the Main
Science Center.  She has already put one person in Sickbay and has
threatened to place a few more if her demands are not met.]
[Cmdr Brennan requests a status report ASAP.  Also, Lt Cmdr Ledoux has
requested a mandatory physical.  There is also a get - together for the
Senior Staff.  These events are mandatory, so don't think you can get away
with shirking these duties like you did on the Stonewall.  Failure to
comply will result in the death penalty.]
	th'Tellan smiled.  They were the standard Starfleet messages,
nothing unusual.  "All right, save all messages.  I'll get back to them
later."
Scene: Conference Room
	th'Tellan walked in and sat down at his chair.  "Sorry I'm late.
Lets get some introductions out of the way, shall we?  Lt. Nahrat?"
	"Here," a voice behind him replied.  th'Tellan turned around to
see nothing but charts, a huge rock, an extra chair, and some electronic
pieces.
	"All right, who's the wise guy who's throwing his voice?"
th'Tellan said.  He paused for a second.  "While we're on the subject, why
is there a huge rock in the Conference room?"
	The rock shook a little, and then some of the electronic equipment
moved in a handlike wave.  th'Tellan realized that a communicator pin, a
universal translator, and various robot arms had been attached to the rock
in a complicated wiring system.  "Lt. Nahrat, reporting for duty.
  I'm a Horta, so I'm sorry if I upset your view of a fully
humanoid staff."
	"No, I'm sorry.  I should know better than to make assumptions
like that.  I promise that I'll try not to treat you differently from any
other crew member.  Anyway, you've been assigned as my aOPS, so you get
2nd shift.  Now, is there a Lt DeSahk?"
	"Right here, Captain," a large Cardassian said.  "I must say that
this is quite impressive.  This is almost as impressive as when I was a
Gul."
	"Gul DeSahk, huh," th'Tellan replied.  "That does it, I've got to
get a normal author.  In the meantime, is there a Lt. Brian Alteus.
  Oh, no."
	"Hey, you remember me.  Not bad for a pointy," Alteus said.
th'Tellan remembered how Alteus was originally supposed to be a member of
the Stonewall crew, but had been forced out due to slight disciplinary
problems such as his need to attack everyone.  Still, his father was an
Admiral, so they weren't going to throw him completely out of Starfleet
merely for a minor issue like that.
	As if Alteus had anticipated th'Tellan's objection, he said,
"Don't worry, I've gone through the Rehabilitative processes and I'm on
special medication.  I have no desire to attack non - humans, even if you
do deserve it."
	"Lovely.  Mr Alteus, I personally believe that you have the right
to believe what you want.  However, please remember that I am your boss
and that I will demand the same respectful relationship that I do from
everyone else.  Furthermore, if I hear any complaints, I will assign you
to cleaning toilets for a week.  With your tongue.  You have shift 4.
Now, there's also an Ensign Heidi Abromowitz?"
	"Here sir," a young lady responded.  If someone could design a
Starfleet "Cheerleader" Uniform smaller than the one Deanna Troi was
famous for, she was wearing it.  It goes without saying that she was your
typical Kirk - era Space Babe (or Bimbo, depending on your viewpoint.)
"I've been assigned as a member of the secretarial pool, and I do some of
the secretarial work for the senior staff.  But I won't harm anyone or
even eat meat.  I'm a veterinarian."
	Abromowitz watched as th'Tellan placed his head between his hands
and mumbled something.  "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that?"
	"Nothing, forget it.  All right, you're the secretary?  Here's
your first assignment.  There are over 1500 messages on my system.  Sort
out all the personal messages and save them in a file.  Delete any
messages that are no longer relavent.  Then summarize all the messages
that don't require my reading them in entirety.  Think you can handle
that?"
	"Yes, sir."
	(It's good to be the boss, th'Tellan thought.)  "All right,
everyone is dismissed."
Scene: Bridge
	"All right, here's what I'm going to do.  The Main Science Center
is really supposed to be a set of administrative offices, so I'm going to
make it look like one.  Desks, conference tables, potted plants, the whole
works.  And I'll place the excess computers into this room over here,"
th'Tellan said as he pointed to various map locations on the library
viewscreen.  "Anything else, Lt Murray?"
	"One more thing.  I understand that you used to be a SCiO.  Can
you give me any advice?"
	th'Tellan thought for a second.  "There is one piece of advice
that applies in all situations.  You should remember it and use it.
  Remember to go insane as soon as possible.  It is the only way
to save your sanity."
[Rest of conversation.]

NRPG:
	I believe I have regained the title for most insane.  But let's
here it for those runners up out there.  They've done a fine job.
Submitted by....
Melvin Pollack
Lt Cmdr Avikar th'Tellan
OPS USS Chesapeake
mpollack@wam.umd.edu

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