From: Gershon
Date: Mon, 31 Mar 1997 03:47:59 -0500
Subject: USS CHESAPEAKE: Medical Pains
Counselor's Office
MD: 4.1445
Lieutenant Commander Catherine Ledoux was definitely feeling out of sorts.
Trying, in vain, to erase the evidence of her recent crying episode, the vet
had hoped that she would be on a more stable emotional footing when she
visited the ship's counselor. Unfortunately, it was not to be, and she was
due at the counselor's office in five minutes.
For the past half hour Catherine had been sprawled out on her bed, weeping.
Upset and distraught after her physical examination in sickbay, the vet had
not expected that such a routine procedure would have aroused such
disturbing feelings. But nevertheless, the distressing emotions had been
brought to the surface and Catherine, totally taken by surprise by the
intensity of her feelings, had not been able halt the stream of tears that
flowed forth. Longing for Rich and his warm, comforting embrace, Catherine
had let herself cry until the tears had spent themselves.
With a final look at herself in the mirror, noting that her eyes were still
swollen and red, Catherine couldn't help but sigh. Somehow, she had the
feeling that she would be doing more crying before the day was done...
Scene: USS CHESAPEAKE: Counselor's Office
MD 04.1500
Catherine paused just outside the counsellor's office, feeling as balkly as
a racehorse that did not want to enter the starting gate. Taking a deep
breath in, the vet tried to calm and centre her thoughts. Unfortunately,
her thoughts were having none of that.
Taking in another deep breath and exhaling it slowly, Catherine recalled the
'deal' she had made with Anne, and the promise to be on her best behaviour.
Also, somewhere deep inside, in an as-yet-unacknowledged corner of her mind,
Catherine knew that she needed help. Even though she had always been
emotional and sensitive, Catherine knew that her recent episodes were far
beyond the norm. It just wasn't natural to be crying throughout a large
portion of the day.
Gathering her courage together and forcibly reminding herself that this was
not only something that she *had* to do, but it was something that would
prove to be beneficial, Catherine rang the door chime, half-hoping that no
one would answer.
Someone did. [ Come. ] It was the counselor's voice.
As the doors slid open with a low hiss, Catherine tentatively stepped
forward, hesitating on the threshold. Looking like a filly about to bolt,
the vet's hands strayed to her hair, fiddling with the ends of her long curls.
Catherine gave a few quick peeks about the room. There was a plant in
each corner (were they real? did all counselors have plants?), and the
lighting was subdued, easy on the eyes. The desk was faux Orion
blackwood, and the carpet was a light green color, distracting one
from the bulkheads that formed the walls of the room. Small bursts of
Chernokov radiation could be viewed through the porthole.
"Good afternoon, Doctor. Please come in," Stavay greeted the doctor with a
smile.
"Good afternoon," Catherine quietly replied, taking a few more cautious
steps into the room.
"Please, have a seat." Stavay indicated the comfortable chairs and couch
that comprised the rooms accoutrements.
Tucking a golden curl behind one ear, Catherine gracefully seated herself in
one of the room's soft chairs. Perched on the edge of her seat, like a bird
about to take flight, the vet could feel the tension throughout her muscles.
Stavay, after picking up a PADD containing Doctor Ledoux's file, took a seat
across from Catherine. Laying the PADD down on the table that say between
them, the counsellor asked the doctor if she would care for any refreshments.
"Food?" Catherine looked startled. "Oh, no, no thank you. But a glass of
water would be nice," she added softly, her cheeks coloured a pale pink.
The Counselor walked over to the counter. A small shelf filled with
knicknacks slid open...fake knickknacks. It was a flat holographic
projection, which would never have passed close examination, but was
enough to hide the replicator. Very nice. The starfield was the only
reminder that they were even *in* space. Stavay retrieved a water for
Ledoux and a Salarian soda for herself.
After both women were seated with their beverages, Stavay picked up the
PADD. Noting that the doctor looked very anxious, Stavay decided to start
with a relatively innocuous question. "How are you today, doctor?"
"All right, I suppose," Catherine replied softly, although her puffy eyes
gave the lie to her words. Shifting nervously in her seat, the vet's
fingers strayed to her hair once again.
A nervous tic, thought Stavay. Stavay answered, "Let's see, I have your
files from the REGENT over here." Stavay read off the indicia with
a slow, moderate tone. To Stavay, the Doctor was yet another person who
did not want to be here. But they were there to discuss a few matters,
so Stavay helped Catherine warm up to the sound of her voice.
"Let's see...I'm going to begin with some questions from the McCrumb
scale. Simple word association. You can relax. "Let's see: what
color are the flowers outside?"
There were no flowers outside. A difficult question. Three answers,
thought Catherine. Make up an answer, ask for elaboration, or
simply state that there are no flowers outside. "If there are flowers
outside, Counselor...I'd love to see them. We could use a few flowers",
answered Catherine with a smile.
"Fine. Question 2: Why have I been so mean to you?"
Catherine thought suddenly about Rich. Rich had never been mean to
Catherine--except in breaking up. Was that *really* mean? Or something
that had to happen, the nature of a relationship running its course?
The Doctor stared at the ground. "You're not being mean to me,
Counselor." The Counselor smiled and went on. Undoubtedly, a computer
was tabulating the answers. Catherine looked down, not knowing why.
Perhaps the question struck her to the quick. However, the third
question was less distressing, a polite question, but having no bearing
on Catherine's reality.
The battery of McCrumb questions were over. "There. Twenty simple questions.
I hope I haven't worn your patience down too much. Now, I'll just ask
some simple questions and we can end the interview. Can you tell me
about your brothers and sisters?"
"I don't have any brothers and sisters, Counselor. I was orphaned
very young." Catherine didn't like talking about her early childhood.
Her aunt and uncle were quite gracious and kind, but she had always wondered
what life would be like if they were still alive.
Stavay changed the topic to something more mundane: her education. Even
when covering familiar and dull ground, the Doctor remained quite
reluctant to give any answer that required more than 25 words. *She's
rather shy for a LCDR*, thought Stavay. Stavay moved onto to Catherine's
work as a veterinarian. For fifteen minutes, they covered territory
long explored.
Intently studying the ground at her feet, Catherine continued to reply to
the Counselor's rather harmless questions, until something the Counselor
said caught her attention, and she looked up, startled.
"Doctor--Catherine--you can sit back and relax. I'm not going anywhere."
Stavay attempted to reassure the vet with a smile. What happened,
thought Catherine? Did I say something wrong? Did I give myself away?
Blushing furiously, the doctor scooted back in her chair and leaned back a
bit, trying to make herself comfortable.
"I'm here to listen, not judge," Stavay added, surprising Catherine once
again. Her most recent counseling sessions had been evaluations, nothing
more. Catherine had almost forgotten that counselors served another
purpose as well.
Nodding, Catherine tried to relax her tense muscles. While a part of the
vet wanted to unburden herself, another part felt uncomfortable doing so.
Reaching for her glass of water, she took a sip, then continued to hold the
glass in her hands. At least it would keep her from playing with her hair.
"Now I noticed that you've spent most of your careet aboard the REGENT,"
Stavay was saying, and the counsellor noticed the flicker of pain that
crossed Catherine's face. "Why don't you tell me a bit about your
experiences there?"
After taking another sip of water, Catherine put the glass down. "Well...
I - I was posted there right out of ALB," the vet began softly. "I - I
started out as Head Doctor, then was promoted to CMO..." Catherine paused,
swallowing around the tightness in her throat. "I... I thought I'd never
leave," Catherine whispered, closing her eyes, blinking back tears.
"You were happy there." It was part statement, part question.
Catherine nodded, not trusting her voice.
"Why did you leave?" Stavay asked softly.
Closing her eyes, Catherine took in a deep breath. "R-Rich," her voice
cracked on the name, "was c-called back to Earth. Family Emergency."
Cathernie paused, feeling the tears welling in her eyes. "I - I c-couldn't
imagine st-staying a-aboard without him." Catherine paused, tears beginning
to trickle down her cheeks as she wondered how she could explain the
relationship that she and Rich had shared. Boyfriend? But Rich had been so
much more than that. Lover? Catherine could feel her cheeks reddening at
the thought. Best friend? That he was, but those words seemed inadequate.
Soul mate? That perhaps best described it.
"Rich?" Stavay prompted gently.
Fighting the tears, Catherine nodded. "Rich. C-Commaner Richard Wilson.
We were - are - in love," she whispered softly, her feelings for Rich clear
in her voice. "He was - is - my best friend." Tears trickled down
Catherine's cheeks.
"You miss him."
Catherine nodded, struggling to wipe away the tears. "I - I n-never
imagined I c-could hurt s-so much," she confessed, the tears now freely
flowing.
"I'm - I'm s-sorry," the vet managed to mumble out.
"It's all right," Stavay replied. "It's all right."
Once Catherine got herself under control once again, the counselor offered
her a few tissues. Gratefully Catherine took them, daubbing at her eyes.
When it looked as if the tears had stopped, for now at least, Stavay asked
her next quetion. "Tell me about Rich."
Catherine reached for her glass, taking another sip of water as she gathered
her thoughts together. Placing the glass back down she replied, "he's the
most wonderful man in the world." Then, realizing that she had vocalized
her thoughts, the vet's cheeks coloured a rosy pink.
"Go ahead," Stavay prompted.
"He was the REGENT's Operations Manager," Catherine said softly. "We - we
met during my first mission aboard the REGENT. I - I t-treated him for some
serious wounds, and he asked me out to dinner, to thank me for saving his
life." A smile graced Catherine's lips as the tears began to fall again.
"He was - is - an incredibly talented pilot." *Why do I talk about him in
the past tense,* Catherine thought to herself, *he's not _dead_ and we're
still very much in love.* The tears continued to trickle in rivulets down
Catherine's cheeks.
"Rich always claims that he's the best pilot in StarFleet," Catherine's lips
turned upwards in a smile at the thought of Rich's ego. "He probably is,"
the vet added softly, "most of the flying records he set at the Academy have
yet to be beaten..." Then she gave her head a little shake, her golden
curls tumbling loose.
"Rich is charming and witty and he has the most disconcerting smile,"
Catherine was now almost talking to herself, lost in the memories of her
times together with Rich, "that is, when he isn't grinning mischieviously.
And he can always make me smile. No matter what was going on, Rich could
always make me smile..." Catherine trailed off, a smile lighting her face
through the tears.
Sighing the vet whispered, "I miss him so... I miss him so much..." Then
she had to stop, for she couldn't speak through the tears.
Finally, Catherine choked out, "sometimes I wonder if I should have gone
with him...."
"So you had to make a choice," answered Stavay. "A choice that was a very
painful choice to make." Catherine merely cried some more.
There was no point in asking any more questions, thought Stavay. Stavay
reached over to take Catherine's hand, and Catherine clenched it, furiously.
"You don't have to be brave. Not with me," answered Stavay, feeling almost
overwhelmed by empathy. She was just about to cry, herself.
Stavay let Doctor Ledoux cry further. The Doctor leaned over on the arm
of the couch to sob. Stavay stood up, brought a box of tissues to Ledoux
for future use, then waited. Catherine cried for a long time. Stavay
waited, remaining patient in the midst of it all.
Finally, Catherine wiped her nose, her eyes red. "You know--", she replied,
almost scared to admit it, scared what the Counselor would do, "I sometimes
think I'm going crazy. I'll cry at the drop of a hat."
"Don't worry. You're *not* crazy. Take it from someone who's been there."
Stavay smiled, indicating herself.
"Then you're going to pass me?"
"Doctor, you should know better. These evaluations aren't "pass/fail". I
point out problems that you should be aware of. If I had any doubt that
you couldn't perform admirably in the sickbay, I'd remove you--and I don't
see any reason, any reason at all to do that.
"Catherine...I feel that you're in mourning."
"In mourning?"
"Yes. You and CMDR Wilson had a strong relationship, a relationship almost
like marriage, or life partnership. When CMDR Wilson went to Terra,
you suffered a great loss. I know that he means a lot to you. But you've
come to the obvious conclusion that your relationship won't be
reestablished.
"And your mourning experience isn't over yet--and it won't be for a long
while. I can tell you that you'll experience other emotions. You'll
feel flashes of anger toward him, and you won't understand those. You'll
try to call him or communicate with him. You'll love him one minute, hate
him the next, be confused in between, and you'll think you're going crazy
during every moment of it. Little things that you see or hear will continue
to send you in a tailspin.
"But you're an attractive woman. You're shy, I can sense that. That might
be a mental handicap, but if it doesn't interfere with your work and you can
find pleasure in life in spite of it, it remains a part of you that you can
choose to ameliorate or not. However, this is something you *can't*
control. You have to ride it out all the way. But remember, that I'll
willing to listen. Not to give advice, not to tell you that 'it will all
be better in tomorrow'. Right now, for you, there is no tomorrow.
I do have hankies, though, and if you ever need a warm shoulder to cry on,
mine is dry. Or if you think things are becoming too overwhelming -- you
can always come here to 'get away from it all'. And I would never think
you were crazy.
"True, some people might think that you just cry all the time. I'm sure
they suspect it, at least. But I think they have their moments where they'd
like to cry, sometimes. They just don't have any one they can come to.
"Come back. I'd like to see you again--and not just in the Counselor/Doctor
relationship. I'd like to hear more about Rich--he must have been spectacular."
"He was--he was--a very special man," answered Catherine, all cried out.
"Counselor, I have to return to Sickbay and see how my staff is doing."
"Not so fast," answered Stavay. "I have a demand to make. I hear that you're
underweight. That might not be much--I've met a lot of *overweight* officers
in my day--but it matters to me. You need to be at full strength to be
able to cope with this.
"On the other hand, you would worry about your staff too much if I kept you
away. But I do have a *non-negotiable* demand. Two days of vacation--and
*no* peeking in at sickbay!"
"Two days!", cried Catherine. "I can't afford to take two days of vacation."
With a frown, Stavay replied, "Catherine--you can't afford *not* to. If there's
an emergency in Sickbay, I'll let you cancel your vacation. But please,
Catherine, listen to me. I *care* about you. You're hurting so much right
now, don't push yourself so hard. Rest a while. Maybe being away from
Sickbay would make you think about Rich--but do you think about Rich any less
when you're in Sickbay?"
"No," answered Catherine, unhappily. "No. I think about him constantly."
"Then you need to be in your room, with your memorabilia. A place for
quiet thinking, no distractions. A chance to walk around the ship, visit
the hydroponic gardens. Do a few things for yourself, and yourself alone."
Reluctantly, Catherine answered. "All right. Two days."
"You can go back to Sickbay and warn your staff. I won't begin your vacation
until 0000 hours--but I will schedule it with the XO." A thought popped into
Stavay's head.
"Tell me," answered the Shrevashal woman, "do you play *golf*?"
*************************************************************************
Respectfully submitted,
Chris Fontaine James Bowman
LCDR Catherine Ledoux, DVM LTJG Stavay Tats-Marush
CMO, USS CHESAPEAKE COUNS, USS CHESAPEAKE
cfontain@uoguelph.ca jrbowman@london2.skn.net AND
JBowman489@aol.com
All: A joint post, more Chris's work than mine.
Amy: Where are you? :)
Takako: Stavay will report the vacation time to the Exec. If he
asks why, she'll claim Counselor's privilege. If he keeps asking,
she'll tell him it's none of his business. :)
Melvin: :)
Lynnaea, Masako: See? Stavay can be nice when she wants to be! (It's
cause you're both so *mean!* :) )
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