From: Melvin Harry Pollack
Date: Mon, 31 Mar 1997 09:31:41 -0500 (EST)
Subject: USS CHESAPEAKE: Everyone's Crazy Except Me and Thee....
[Second Officers Log, Stardate 90330.1800. Reports say that we now have a
full complement of officers, which means that we may be assigned a mission
soon. Until then, paperwork continues to stream in as we prepare for our
first voyage. I personally must prepare for some new officers, but first
I must complete some vital duties on the bridge....]
MD 3.1635
th'Tellan sat at the command chair, pressing buttons frantically,
one eye glued to the main viewscreen. "Dammit, where is it," he said.
Ensign Lewis looked up from the flight console. "Sir, you may
wish to consider placing your red nine on your black 10."
th'Tellan looked at her, then back at the viewscreen. Quickly, he
moved the cards as Lewis had specified. "Yes, that may do it..."
th'Tellan flipped a couple of onscreen cards. "All, right! We found the
four of spades. Good work, Ensign."
Lewis looked at th'Tellan, who was smiling as if he had just found
a cure for cancer in his garage. She turned back to the main viewscreen
and shook her head. It never ceased to amaze her that even 25th century
medical science was unable to cure a solitaire addiction.
Suddenly the turbolift doors started to open. th'Tellan's hands
moved at warp 9 to switch the main viewscreen back to the external camera.
Vulcan appeared before the doors finished opening and an officer stepped
out. "Ensign Jareth Gann reporting for duty, sir."
"At ease, Ensign. I'm Lt. Cmdr Avikar th'Tellan, the OPS officer.
You must be the CEO."
"That's right, sir. It's a pleasure to meet you."
"Likewise. Anyway, I wanted to point out that your aCEO is
already to be on board. Her name is Ensign Sereh, and she's got a couple
of years under her belt...."
"And she smells," Lt Alteus remarked. "In fact, I don't think
that I've ever met anything that smells worse than a Vulcan. Or
a Romulan."
The turbolift doors opened again to reveal an Ensign who looked
like he lost a battle against a fertilizer truck and the Creature from the
Black Lagoon. "Ensign Oswald O'Graeach, reporting for duty, sir."
"Well, there's a first time for everything," th'Tellan remarked to
Lt Alteus. Turning back to the newcomer, he looked like he was ready to
take a nap. "Pleased to meet you. You're the FCO?"
"Yes, sir. Sorry about the mess. I got a little lost,
and wandered into the waste disposal unit by mistake."
"Uh, hang on a second. You're the guy that's been hired to
navigate this ship. And you got lost? The scary thing is that
this doesn't surprise me in the least."
O'Graeach jumped as the turbolift doors opened behind him. "Lt jg
Mike Smith, reporting for duty. I'm the OPS repesentative to
Engineering."
"It's nice to meet you," th'Tellan said as he moved toward Smith.
Placing an arm on his shoulder, th'Tellan said, "You know, I've got quite
a few questions. First of all, why are you wearing a dress? Second of
all, why'd you pick such a horid color combination?"
"Me, I'm wearing a two piece suit. And I think pink goes with
yellow just fine, thank you."
th'Tellan dragged him to one side of the bridge. "All right,
suppose you tell me what the real angle is."
"All right, I'm doing this because I want to leave Starfleet and
head to a special group. But they'll only take me if I get thrown out for
being insane. So I decided that if I wore a dress and pretended that I
didn't know I was wearing a dress, you'd have no choice but to throw me
out. Smart, huh."
th'Tellan looked to make sure that no one was listening. "Look,
I'm the second officer. I've faced court - martials for insubordination,
for unprofessional behavior, even for going AWOL. And I'm the sanest
person here.
"Our Captain went into her ready room two days ago, and hasn't
been seen since. Our first officer knows 2 million languages, even though
everyone in the Universe speaks English. Our CSO is homicidal, our CSiO
is suicidal, our CMO is a crybaby, our COU is a sociopath, our FCO is a
flake, and our MCO is a Mossad agent. Did I leave anybody out?"
"You forgot the CEO."
"He's battier than the rest of us combined. He's an engineering
major."
"Er, what about the Junior Officers?"
"Moving right along to the rest of the staff, your fellow OPS
staff consists of a rock, a lying Cardassian, a bigot, and an airhead.
The science department can't handle an emergency more substantial than
untied shoelaces. The medical staff have been at each others throats.
I think the Flight Officers might be normal. Anyway, I
seriously suggest that you change into regulation uniform, and accept the
fact that, as an insane person, you are an amateur.
Submitted By...
Melvin Pollack
Lt Cmdr Avikar th'Tellan
OPS USS Chesapeake
mpollack@wam.umd.edu
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