From: Christine Fontaine
Date: Fri, 04 Apr 1997 20:48:09 -0500
Subject: USS CHESAPEAKE: Post-Counselling Reflections...
SD 90404.2047
MD 04.1630
Scene: USS CHESAPEAKE: CMO's Quarters
Catherine was tired.
Tired and worn.
After her counselling session with Lieutenant (junior grade) Stavay
Tats-Marush, Lieutenant Commander Catherine Ledoux had returned to her
quarters and had immediately collapsed onto her bed. Mentally, emotionally
and physically drained, Catherine needed some time to recoup her lost energy
before proceeding to sickbay.
Lying flat on her back, Catherine stared up at the ceiling, her dep blue
eyes vacant, empty, mirroring the way that she felt without Rich. Silent
and still, the only movements that betrayed her presence were the gentle
rise and fall of her chest as she breathed, and the occasional blink that
shuttered her eyes.
Inside, however, her thoughts were racing.
Much of what the counsellor had said had not immediately registered with
Catherine. Caught up in her own tumultuous feelings, her overwhelming
emotions, the vet had not been able to focus on Stavay's words and
assimilate their meaning. Now, however, the counsellor's words came back to
haunt her.
Fragments of their conversation drifted through Catherine's mind, disturbing
her. Some of the things that the counsellor had said she simply could not
accept, and so her mind brushed over them, quickly moving on to the next
idea. Some of Stavay's statements made too much sense and the vet did not
want to dwell on them, so she skipped them as well. Eventually, however,
Catherine had to sit back and consider the counsellor's words; she could not
keep on running forever.
Sighing, Catherine brushed a loose curl off her forhead, wishing that she
could discuss things with Rich. As always, thoughts of Rich brought a smile
to Catherine's lips, but they also conjured tears, for the vet missed him
terribly. One minute she felt so lucky and blessed to have the love of such
a wonderful man, the next minute she felt hopeless and lost without him by
her side. The tangle of emotions confused and frustrated Catherine, causing
more tears to trickle down her pale cheeks.
One thing that Catherine adamantly refused to believe was the counsellor's
statement that she had come to the conclusion that her relationship with
Rich would not be reestablished. Nothing, absolutely nothing would ever
convince Catherine that those words held even a glimmer of the truth. She
and Rich *would* be together again someday. They *would*. They had
promised as much to each other. A love like theirs could survive the
distance; a love like theirs was never meant to end. They were soul mates,
kindred spirits; they were *meant* to be together, and they would be
together. Someday, they would be together again. Of that, Catherine was
firmly convinced.
Then why was she so upset?
Because she missed Rich, missed him terribly. Without Rich, it was like a
part of her was missing.
Then why hadn't she gone with him?
Because she needed to live her own life. She was her own person. While
Rich meant everything to her, her happiness couldn't, and shouldn't, depend
on only one person. It was unhealthy to depend on someone so much that you
couldn't live without them.
But that was exactly how she felt.
So why was she here, and not with Rich?
Catherine felt that she had to prove to herself that she *could* live
without Rich right at her side. After all, as long as they were in each
other's heart, in each other's thoughts and in each other's soul, they were
never truly apart. Catherine clung to those thoughts, and a faint smile
graced her lips. She was very fortunate to have the love of such a
wonderful man like Rich; someone who had given her such a precious gift:
his unconditional love. Freely given, freely received. Catherine was truly
blessed.
Thinking of the love and friendship that she and Rich shared, Catherine's
smile became brighter, lighting her face. That love would see them through
anything, could survive anything. The distance didn't matter. They were in
love. True love. A love that could never be quenched. A love that could
not be defeated. Their love would see them through. They would survive.
Feeling better, Catherine turned her thoughts back to her counselling
session. Counsellor Tats-Marush had said that she was in mourning. But she
had nothing to mourn for, except for the fact that she and Rich were
separated. Their love, their relationship, was very much alive, and they
were both willing to work to keep it alive. Long distances relationships
were not easy, but they had both decided that it was worth it. While it
might hurt to be apart, their love was stronger than the pain of separation.
Catherine knew that she should be happy. With Rich's love and friendship,
she was the luckiest woman in the world. Then why was she always crying?
Yes, she missed Rich, but knowing that she had his love, even if he was far
away, should make her happy.
And it did.
Even now, thinking of Rich and the love that they shared brought a smile to
her lips.
Then why was she always crying?
Perhaps her emotions were being exacerbated due to her fatigue? Catherine
gave her head a little nod. The vet would be the first to admit that she
was an emotional person, and those emotions tended to get out of hand when
she was tired.
Then there was the disturbing physical examination she had undergone.
While Catherine did not want to dwell on the details, refusing to accept the
evidence that was clearly displayed before her, there was still a corner of
her mind that acknowledged that she had some problems to deal with.
Certainly the vet's physical condition was only serving to make her emotions
more volatile. Such thoughts, however, were quickly brushed aside. At this
point in time, Catherine was not willing to admit that her physical
condition had deteriorated to such a degree, despite her earlier encounter
with Doctor Donne.
Despite the counsellor's assurances that Catherine was not insane, the vet
still harboured that fear. With a mercurial temperament and erratic
emotions, what else was she supposed to think, for she had already dismissed
the notion that she was in mourning. If she wasn't insane, than what was
wrong with her? Perhaps she would have to go back and see the counsellor
again. Catherine had to find some answers in order to gain some peace of
mind.
Sighing, Catherine decided that she had better get moving. There was a
great deal that she wanted to accomplish before her 'vacation' began. There
was so much work still to be done is sickbay, and while her staff was
perfectly capable of handling things for two days while she was away, there
were still some things that Doctor Ledoux wanted to see to herself.
A wince crossed Catherine's face, marring its beauty as she thought of the
'vacation' that the counsellor had ordered. First, Commander Brennan had
advised her to take a couple of hours off, now the counsellor was advising
her to take *two days* off. If Catherine didn't watch herself, she would
soon find herself relieved of duty.
As they had earlier that day, Catherine's long, elegant fingers strayed to
the pips on her uniform collar. Lieutenant Commander. Catherine sighed.
She certainly didn't feel like a Lieutenant Commander, and she was doing
nothing to show herself worthy of that rank. Hopefully, the two days
vacation would help to get her back on her feet. It was about time she
started acting like a Lieutenant Commander.
Yawning, Catherine was tempted to just lie in bed for the rest of the day.
Struggling to sit up, the vet was still feeling tired and worn. Only the
thought of all the work that awaited her in sickbay, combined with her
upcoming vacation, propelled the vet into motion. Fighting against the
lethargy that tempted her to succumb to sleep, Catherine drew herself
upright, brushing her hair off her face.
Pressing her lips firmly together, Catherine attempted strengthened her
resolve. Determined to accomplish as much as she could before her vacation
began, the vet headed to sickbay, struggling to banish fatigue from her mind.
There was work to be done.
And she'd find a way to do it.
Respectfully submitted,
Chris Fontaine
LCDR Catherine Ledoux, DVM
Chief Medical Officer
USS CHEAPEAKE
<< NRPG >>
Well, this post kind of wrote itself... If it seems rather confusing, well,
that's why - its a reflection of Catherine's thoughts and they are certainly
confused right now...
James: I have a strange feeling Catherine will be back to see Stavay during
her 'vacation'.
Masako: Well, I started writing the beginnings of our joint post, and,
well, this post kind of happened instead! Proto material for our post
will head your way probably tomorrow.
Chris - whose exam today went well :)
***********************************************************************
* Chris Fontaine * "If I waited for perfection... *
* cfontain@uoguelph.ca * I would never write a word." *
* http://www.uoguelph.ca/~cfontain/ * - Margaret Atwood - *
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
* LCDR Catherine Marie Ledoux, DVM, CMO, USS CHESAPEAKE, NCC-31813 *
* LCDR StarSong to-Ennien, MD, PhD, COUNS, USS LEVIATHAN, NCC-25002 *
* RADM FireSong to-Vensre, MD, ALB Adjutant, Armstrong Lunar Base *
***********************************************************************
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