From: Live Long and Prosper
Date: Tue, 15 Apr 1997 00:12:56 -0500 (EST)
Subject: USS CHESAPEAKE: Second Round
SD 90415.0421
------------------
Counselor's Office
------------------
MD 5.0930
Anne followed the Counselor into the inner office with a mixture
of fear, uncertainty, and hope. The Shrevashal woman had not done
anything odd quite yet; she also did not look as though she would bite.
But then again, it had taken her eighty seconds the last time to
do something unexpected; right now, it was only sixty-five seconds since
the Counselor had greeted her.
"Please have a seat," suggested Counselor Tats-Marush, indicating
a chair. Anne sat down gratefully; she wasn't sure that she could
survive another round of golf. "I must say that I am rather surprised
that you took this long to report, Lieutenant," continued the
Shrevashal. "Apparently, you were expected here sometime yesterday
afternoon," she explained, noting Anne's confusion.
"Yesterday?" said Anne blankly, then it hit her. "Oh! That.
Yes... well..." She looked up at the ceiling. She found it uninteresting
and focused on the floor. She decided that she didn't like the color of
it and looked at the wall. "I didn't see the message," she concluded,
addressing her comments to the wall.
It was not the wall, but the Counselor, who answered.
"You didn't see the message?" she asked when it became clear that
Anne wasn't about to add anything else.
"No," said Anne, still addressing the wall. "I didn't see the
message... I was too busy pushing Commander Brennan!"
If the comment surprised Counselor Tats-Marush, she did not show
it; she merely nodded, then added a verbal "yes?" for Anne's benefit,
since the Science Officer was still examining the wall.
Anne was quiet. The silence stretched into minutes.
"What happened with Commander Brennan?" asked the
Counselor finally.
For a moment, Anne thought of the strange dream she had had the
day before. She thought of that mysterious incarnation of the Executive
Officer, looking at her as if she were a very pleasing specimen of the
female species. Then she thought of the real Brennan, the one who took
so much pains to put her at ease. The one to whom she had told of her
troubles with the previous counselor.
"Lieutenant? Take all the time you want. I'll still be here."
"Thank you, Counselor... I'm sorry, I was preoccupied." Anne
drifted her gaze slowly back to the woman in front of her. "I was rather
upset when my staff activated the computer program yesterday morning, and
I... sat down on the floor... Commander Brennan saw me and tried to help,
and... it just *happened*..."
Now that she was talking about it, she realized that the actual
details were rather fuzzy. All she could remember was the feeling of being
trapped, the fear of impending physical contact with another human being.
As she tried to verbalize for the Counselor, unwanted memories began to
flood through her mind, memories of another Counselor on another ship,
memories of what he had done to her.
She wasn't ready; she had been concentrating too hard on the
present, the CHESAPEAKE. The sudden influx of nearly repressed memories
caused a wave of nausea to wash over her, and she put her head in her
hands, closing her eyes tightly, waiting for the feeling to pass.
After what seemed like hours, she finally felt better. Anne
looked up to see that the Counselor was still sitting there, patiently
waiting for her.
"He knew I didn't like him," said Anne, her voice low and
trembling. The pain was too great, now, to keep inside. Once
resurfaced, it seemed to pour out of her. "He went through all my
records... even the privileged files..." she trailed off, recalling their
first session. He had managed to gain an advantage over her as early as
that, accessing files that no one had bothered to access in years. Almost
unconsciously, she bit down on her lip until she tasted blood. The sting
made her forget, for a second, about the past emotional pain.
"Commander Brennan did that?" asked the Counselor with
some concern.
The question jolted Anne out of her reverie.
"Commander Brennan? No!" Her answer sounded almost too rushed,
too adamant, even to Anne. "I mean," she added more calmly, "I don't
dislike him, and if he went through my files, well, then I don't know
about that."
"Then who's the 'he' to whom you were referring?"
"Counselor Mallory," said Anne. Her mind had begun to clear
somewhat, her confused thoughts giving way to cold knowledge and burning
pain. "He was Ship's Counselor on the BELLEROPHON. He... didn't take
too kindly to being disliked."
Understatement, perhaps. He had been quite annoyed by her
antipathy, actually. Anne was convinced that, whatever his other motives
for tormenting her, the primary one had to do with the fact that he did not
enjoy being disliked.
"Why did you dislike him?" asked Counselor Tats-Marush.
Anne hesitated. She wasn't sure what would happen once she gave
her an honest answer. On the other hand, she couldn't go through the
rest of her days on the CHESAPEAKE knowing that she had had an
opportunity to tell someone about Mallory and didn't.
"I... I never got along with Counselors," said Anne. "I don't
know why... I just never did." She shrugged. "He wasn't the first to
take it personally... but I think he hated me the most."
"Why do you think he hated you?
Anne looked down. Very quiet, she responded, "I just do."
Stavay thought that she had reached an impasse. Undoubtedly,
Anne had had so many counselors prodding and poking that she was unable
to talk to anybody without wondering if someone was analyzing every
word. It would be obvious that Stavay would need to try another
method to reach Anne, or just shut up.
Stavay sat down. She said, "No one wants to be hated. And it
doesn't take a degree to know that. Who could live with that? Who
would want to live at all?"
Anne muttered. "Sometimes when I think about it, I don't want to
live anymore."
Bang. It was not what Stavay expected. It was delivered in a
drained voice, as if Anne had died quite a while ago. Stavay lost all her
preparation, it had been thrown out the window. Don't lose this moment,
Stavay. Forget about helping her. Forget about *curing* her. Goddess,
....help me to say the right thing.
"Lieutenant, if you need help in carrying this by yourself...I
know you like to do things yourself. I can give you advice...but I can
leave you alone. To do it yourself, your own way, if you want to."
Murray turned and smiled. "My own way?"
"Yes. Your own way."
"That doesn't exist anymore. Those people are everywhere. They
have everything. There's not a part of me that belongs to me anymore.
They have my mind, they have my soul...and now...they have my body, too."
"What do you mean, Lieutenant?" Anne was crying, holding her body
even closer to herself, trying to shut everything out. She brought her
legs up to her chest and squeezed tightly.
Stavay remained quiet. How many minutes passed? Five? Ten?
Stavay went to the replicator and got a glass of water, leaving it near
Anne to drink.
Anne helped herself. Almost snapping out of it completely, she
reached for the tissue box and wiped her eyes. She helped herself to the
drink. She walked around the room, examining everything, the holotapes,
the pictcubes, the bric-a-brac. The notes on Stavay's desk. Stavay said
absolutely nothing.
Finally, Anne smiled. "Well, it doesn't matter. I suppose not.
The message I'm trying to get across to you, Counselor, is that I
was raped."
Raped? The message was delivered with the same power as the
phrase, "I wonder what I'll have for dinner". Stavay nodded.
"I think it would be a good idea to report this. I thought that
another officer might not handle this as well."
Stavay nodded. "Well, you're handling it very well. I'm proud
of you."
"Thank you. I think that if we can avoid....", Anne got out
before trailing off again. "if we c-c-can av-v-void anything wrong...we
c-can come to a...." Anne was crying again, and this time, her entire body was
shaking. She was trying to regain her dignity.
Then she saw Stavay. Before either one of them knew it, Anne
picked up the chair and tossed it into the bulkhead. All of Stavay's
holosims, cubes, and mementoes were scattered across the room as Stavay
ducked behind the desk. The chair bounced off the sturdy bulkhead and
bounced back onto the floor.
Stavay looked at Anne in amazement. "Please...please don't hurt
me, Anne."
Doctor Ledoux entered the room, looking at the damage and Anne's
tears. "What is going on here!!"
Anne turned rapidly, "It's okay! I don't want--I mean, it's all
right! We're all right! There's nothing wrong!! We were talking--talking
about it."
Ledoux looked suspiciously at the scene. "Okay. But if you need
help, Anne, I'm out here." The Doctor walked backward carefully and let
the door close.
Brushing her hair back, Anne looked at the devastated office.
"Well... I suppose I can clean it up."
Stavay looked about. "Don't worry about cleaning it up. Let it
stay the way it is."
"You have to be kidding! It's not rational to leave your office
like this."
Stavay picked up a holocube and set it aside. "Well, this isn't a
rational time. You've been raped, Anne. How can anything be rational
after that?"
Anne looked at Stavay, almost daring her to say the word again.
She ran her hands through her hair again. "I suppose you're right. I
just... it's just another intrusion. I have to stop Mallory from doing it
again...but I'll have to open up again. They'll want to know everything,
and I've tried to stay from being invaded all over again." She sat next to
a rubber tree plant. "I don't know how I'm going to do it. I don't. I
can't make the sacrifice. I don't know how."
"The sacrifice?"
Anne sighed. "The sacrifice of whatever dignity I've earned
so far."
Stavay looked at Anne. "To me, you'll *always* have dignity."
Looking at Stavay, Anne snorted. "Counselor talk."
"All right. Let's be rational, then. Who else would have this
kind of strength? I'll tell you right now--*I* wouldn't. That's a fact,
Lieutenant." It was the iron Stavay that Anne had seen on the golf course.
The this-is-the-truth-and-be-damned Stavay.
"Why would you say that?", asked Anne.
"I have a secret of my own that I don't reveal." She handed over
the holocube to Anne. "Note the figure."
"An Orion male. So?"
"Not just any Shrevashal male. Have you heard of gender-altering
diseases?"
"Yes. There are some altering viruses, as well as drugs such as
Profem and Promen."
"Well, I'll put it this way -- I didn't take any drugs."
Anne looked at the cube, and then at Stavay.
Stavay smiled. "It happened one year ago. In two days, I have the
one year anniversary. But it's not really important. In this society,
pansexuality is accepted. No one would care. No one would notice. But
*I* notice. I'm always an outsider. If I were to shout it to the world,
the rational part of me says it would pass over without an eyeblink.
The part of me that's *me* however, says that no one will ever look at me
the same way."
"I didn't suffer any pain. But we all keep secrets. No one wants
to be hurt, Anne."
Anne looked at Stavay, the cube, and Stavay. "You mean you're a
**guy**?" She looked at Stavay's anatomy again. "Uggggghhhhhhh!!"
Stavay frowned. "Hey wait a minute---"
"No wait! This is my dream! In my dream, you were a *guy*!! It
was the dream where I killed Kevin Mallory!!"
"Kevin Mallory?"
"The man who, uh....raped me. He was a counselor aboard the
BELLEROPHON." She looked at Stavay with suspicion.
"A counselor?" Stavay thought, *the slimeball should
die, slowly*.
"Yes." Anne was giving Stavay the glare again.
Stavay looked at Anne. "Am I weirding you out?"
Anne looked up. "Well...yes. You are weirding me out." She
thought for a few moments. "I really don't want to talk about
this anymore."
The Counselor nodded. "That's okay. When you want to come back,
we can talk. Any time." Stavay smiled. "Even if it's 0300. Do you have
someone to talk to about this other than me?"
"Yes. I've talked about it with Catherine."
"Good. I'm going to give you a gift, then." Stavay handed Anne
the cube. "Just a reminder. Nothing is what it seems to be. Life hands
all of us things we don't want. And we carry them around with us. It's
good to have friends to lighten the load."
Anne nodded. She looked at the cube and looked at Stavay. "I'll
probably be bringing this back."
"Whenever you're ready."
Smiling, Anne stepped over some of the records. "Just don't do it
at a golf course...*please*!" The door closed behind Anne.
Stavay righted the chair and sat down. It felt weaker, although it
had been built by experts. She thought about Anne and wondered about life.
Suddenly, Stavay's problems seemed miniscule. The Counselor
muttered, "Next."
Respectfully submitted,
James Bowman Masako Goto
LTjg Stavay Tats-Marush LT Anne Murray, Ph.D.
CNS CSciO
USS CHESAPEAKE NCC-31813 USS CHESAPEAKE NCC-31813
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thought for the day: Why do children insist that they want to be adults
when the adults insist that they want to be children?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Go to messages for
April 1997 or Main Archive Page