From: Masakog@aol.com
Date: Thu, 15 May 1997 00:54:33 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: USS CHESAPEAKE: When Despair Reigns...

SD 90515.0329

----------------
CSciO's Quarters
----------------

MD 6.1715

	Anne realized, after consulting the conversion table, that
calling Myron was out of the question.  It was just past 0100 in
San Francisco; she couldn't call him at that hour without a real
emergency.  Well, perhaps she could send him a message instead.  Not
as satisfying, certainly, but a whole lot more acceptable than sitting
by herself waiting for... something to happen, probably.

	What to say to the boy, of course, was another problem
altogether.  Though he was already all of twenty (no longer a boy,
Anne reminded herself.  His innocence and his openness -- not to
mention his real vulnerability -- made him seem a lot younger),
he couldn't really understand what was bothering her.  At least,
she hoped that he wouldn't be able to do so.

	She shook her head, trying to clear it and to think of
something else.  She had been spending far too much time concentrating
on her past recently.  She *had* to get her act together.  Think
about others, her instinct told her.  Think about Galia, Catherine...

	Biting her lip, Anne flopped down on her chair.  She felt
so... alone.  Galia was probably with the other Marines.  At least,
Anne hoped that she was.  She had seemed so upset last night...
and Anne knew that the other women in her platoon were the only
ones who could really identify with her and help her.

	Catherine?  Anne wasn't sure what was happening with the
quiet doctor.  She hoped that the CMO was all right... but she
daren't approach her now.  Maybe she was still upset with her about
her insistence on dragging the Counselor into the picture.  Women
with anorexia nervosa, she knew, were not particularly known for
their love of counselors.

	And Aelyria... she was another one Anne had antagonized.  She
had been too hasty, she supposed, in revealing her psychometrical
analyses.  Maybe, she thought ruefully, she should just get rid of
the entire series.  The psychometrics had brought her nothing but
trouble during the past week.

	Clarissa Darling seemed a friendly sort, but Anne didn't
really know enough about her to want to approach her about anything,
particularly after her previous encounters with her.

	Captain Bell?  Anne almost laughed at the thought of the
severe CO.  She was even more Vulcan than Anne herself, and she also
had the advantage of not falling apart on the Bridge... at least,
not on the CHESAPEAKE.  And if she *did*, well, at least she had
ample reason.  Nearly half her crew, if not more, was on the verge
of collapse, and her personal history was anything but peaceful.
She also had had quite an interesting childhood, this Captain, and
Anne could well sympathize with the dedication it must have taken
to be so immersed in academics.  But as a confidante?  Hardly an
appropriate candidate, not even taking her rank into account.

	Anne's thoughts turned, for a moment, to Counselor Tats-Marush.
She could hardly blame the Counselor for her current state of mind...
after all, it was she, not the Counselor, who had decided to tell her
about Kevin Mallory.  And if the Counselor had to follow established
procedures and report the whole incident, well, Anne couldn't very 
well expect her to ignore that responsibility.  On the other hand, it
made her think twice about ever going to see her again... and she
needed someone *right now*.

	She began to think of the few friends that she had made over
the years... Elizabeth Wilson on the BELL, April Carlisle at the
Academy... she wondered how they were doing now.  She wondered,
especially, about Elizabeth.  She had seen Mallory rather regularly,
after all... perhaps she had had similar experiences...?

	Anne shook her head again.  Elizabeth had been transferred to
the USS ALEXANDER NEVSKY over a year before her own transfer, and she
hadn't heard from her since.  Rather upsetting, that.  She had hoped
for at least a message of some sort.  Well... perhaps they were on
a mission, and maybe Elizabeth was just too busy.  She could well
understand that.  Just look how much had gone wrong in Sciences
already on the CHESAPEAKE... and they hadn't been on their way for
more than 60 hours yet.

	As for April... well, maybe Anne could drop her a line.  They
hadn't been very close, but then again, they had spoken a couple of
times.  April was around Elizabeth's age, the same height, even; but
the two were as different as night and day.  Where Elizabeth was cold
and noncommunicative, April was warm and bubbly.  Where Elizabeth was
computer-crazed to the exclusion of human relationships, April was a
"people" person through and through.  Maybe she wouldn't consider it
an intrusion if Anne left her a message.

	Or maybe, just maybe, she should just end it all right now.
She could find a knife easily enough, and she hadn't studied human
anatomy for nothing.  She could do it, and no one need worry about
her hopping the ship when disaster struck... because she wouldn't
be there to hop it.

	She looked through her drawers.  She was sure that... ah,
there it was.  She was about to roll up her sleeve -- with the
rather incongruent intention of not leaving any stains on the
perfectly good blouse -- when her door chimed.

	She put away the sharp object rather quickly.  She didn't
need any unwarranted questions right now.

	"Yes, who is it?" she called, hoping that her voice was as
controlled as it usually was.

Respectfully submitted,

Masako Goto
Lt. Anne Murray, Ph.D.
CSciO
USS CHESAPEAKE, NCC-31813
MasakoG@aol.com

<<NRPG>>

Okay, okay, so it's warped, so it's depressing... but, seriously,
there's nothing else I can do with her at the moment, and the
second day of no CHES post was breaking my heart.  ;)

Besides, I thought it was high time someone showed the world (hehe)
what it's like to be *really* depressed... as in Clinically Depressed.
It's Not Very Pleasant... and I think it's an often-misunderstood
condition.  So... there you go.

Amy: Hope your mail problems are nearing an end now.  And, in case you
     noticed, I *am* having way too much fun w/my ALBie.  ;)

Takako: How's good ol' DJ doing these days?  & Thanks for the forwards!

Melvin: How go classes?

Lynnaea: How about yours?  Senioritis not hitting *too* hard, I hope!

Fabian: I'm sure that Anne will come to appreciate the egg
        eventually... ;)

Chris: Hope you're feeling better.  ::hug::

James: Is Stavay getting eyestrain yet?  If she got glasses, maybe
       Trevin won't feel so badly... ;)  And yes, I know, this *is*
       what you might call a double -- or even triple -- GCD.

Naomi: Hope your days are less busy and that you're doing well!

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