Bitterness
What does it mean if he says he has your picture on his wall even though the two of you parted 6 months ago? What does it mean if he says he's tired at glancing at two dimension images of you and wants to see your face - be in your presence? You broke it off because you found someone else who also happened to break your heart, but in that time between you've drifted from him and now don't have the mutual feeling of desire. You don't want to be his friend. You are still bitter because of the pain he caused your heart before you gathered the courage to break it off. You ended it and didn't really want to look back - if only to spit. You question your feelings now that he has the desire to be your friend. There's that awkwardness again when you see a picture with the two of you smiling, sitting on a bench on the beach watching the sunset. You shove it into a desk drawer hoping to never see it again but not having the heart to throw it away. You realize that you're bitter and that you should move on. After all, he's moved on. He knows bad things happened and he's apologized man times. You acknowlegde them but don't really accept them. You thought what you were looking for was really a sincere apology but once three came and went and you found yourself still bitter, you begin to wonder. You begin to question your motives and why you don't like him any more - why you almost don't want to be his friend. He made your feel guilty for letting him go but you retaliate your guilt trip with all the shit he "didn't mean to put you through but didn't have any other way." Time heals all wounds? Bullshit. You realize it's not emotionally healthy to be bitter and you can't think of any other reason than thinking he's "lame" and "smug" to feed your motives. You decide to give him a chance at friendship even though your heart isn't into it - even though you don't care to be reminded of the repressed memories from only a few years ago lest you're reminded of all the shit you were put through. Your emotions make you uncomfortable and feeling vulnerable makes you want to retract yourself into your little shell as a protection from further frustration and disappointment. It feels wrong - everything feels wrong, but you learn from your friends that you have to do things you don't want to in life. That's life. So you push your bitterness behind you (only for a moment) and see the person for who they are and actually listen to their apologies and explanations this time. You disover it doesn't help and this upsets you because you feel you're too bitter. You can't tell if you're bitter. You don't want to be bitter. You want to change but change takes time and time is something you don't have available in your busy schedule. So you do what you always do - suck it up and store it for later events...and by then it's festered even more, which is a bad thing...but you don't really have a choice.