"You know what? My New Year's resolution is to make myself happy."
"Do you want us to leave the room?"

"Some might find it amusing...but I find it regular."

"Look at that. That's Albert Einstein when he was a young man...not that one. That's his wife."

"I'm wrong about failure. Suicide is the only way out."

"Are you asleep?"
"Yes."

"It contains violence. Why don't we move back."

"I don't like the word 'total.' I didn't total my mother's car."
"You broke it."
"Yeah, I broke my mother's car. All it needs is a new front."

"You're smiling. Why are you smiling?"
"Because i'm about to cough."

"If you fall, we (Greyhound) don't have any money, so don't bother to sue us. Other than that, sit back, relax, and keep your shoes on because the air in here...stays in here."

"You're not going out like that! Put pants on!"

"Torturing one animal is cruelty. Torturing many animals is science?"

"Oh hey hey hey...yeah yeah...come on....I'm sounding lkike an 80's song."

"It's not a bat's wing. It's a wing of bat."

"The second tuesday of next week."

"Boy Africa sucks! Who's for Asia?"

"Are you ok? How many fingers of scotch am I holding up?"

"Communicating with Tarzan is like trying to put socks on an octapus."

"I like corned can."

"We're horizontal...vertical...whichever means up!"

"He wouldn't let us cheat! That is so wrong!"

"You meat sauce-denying bitch!"

"Do you want a drink? I have pizza."

"I want to screw screw screw in a lightbulb!"

"That's not a trick. It's called factoring."

"This sheet is so old, we've evolved."

"You owe me rubber cement"
"You owe me pez!"
"Oh, I hate owing pez!"

"Sex is better than constipation or dying."

"Would you like a pregnancy test?"
"All right. I have to pee anyway."

"(a teddy bear named Edward) He's an organ doner."
"What organs did he done?"
"He didn't die yet."
"What organs will he done?"
"Anything. His nose...and his tail."
"And the little tag thing on his ear?"
"No! I like the tag. He has an earing."

"So let's think about this logically. Either she's alive or dead."

"What are the chances that you'll major in biology?"
"Zero to none."

"What song did you sing?"
"I sang this song by this guy."

"I was hoping you were the pizza guy."
"Ordered a pizza, huh?"
"No, I was just hoping."

"It's a horror/scifi convention...with celebrities like James Hong and Tom Savini...but my parents are coming up that weekend...but if they weren't, my ass would be there."
"So you have your own horror weekend with your parents."

"I have something for you. I would have given it to you sooner, but I didn't like you."

"Stop pulling on my dog's tongue!"

"Why god made little girls.."
"So they can screw little boys?"

"The people I call the most on campus are Isabel and you."
"You don't call me. I call you."
"But I might start calling you, though."

"And that's why you're never touching my computer."
"Why? Like I'd actually bang toffee on your monitor."
"You better not."

"I wish I had a DVD player."
"Why?"
"...so I could watch DVDs?"

"I'm too lazy to stay here."

"I"m not listening!"
"To me or the voices?"

"It started out as a debate over who was the best Darren."

"I shouldn't study for spanish...since I don't take it."

"You hear about that exotic dancing course?"
"Yeah. With that chick who dances really naked."

"She looks like my best friend....except my best friend is white."

"Reassure me that it's okay to express my emotions."
"It's okay."

"Yesterday it might have been a ball, tomorrow it might be a ball, but today it's a strike."

"You get mushy, my heart melts. I get mushy, people throw up."

"I didn't say Jose. I said...I had to buy a new hose...ay?"

"I have this feeling in my stomach...this emptiness."
"Maybe you're just hungry."

"Monica, relax! Go and get a beer."
"I don't want a beer!"
"Who said it was for you?"

"What's in the sandwich?"
"Olive load and ham spread...no mayo."
"Oh yeah, cuz mayo would just make it sick."

"Does this sweater make me look fat?"
"No, the fact that you are fat makes you look fat. The sweater just makes you look purple."

"Are we gonna have sex? because I don't have time to have sex."

"Of course it matters!"
"How?"
"...I don't know."

"My little girl is moving out...which reminds me...when are you moving?"

"Would you like to join the army of darkness?"
"No thank you."

"Ok, dear...if you grab a steak, that's a slab of meat. It doesn't mean anything."

"(in the Dominican Republic pointing to a piece of jewelery) a la izquerida.....no....your other izquierda."

"Meet me in the lobby...next to the fountain...that looks like a pool...made of glass."
"Ok."
"Great, and i'll be wearing no hat. Goodbye."

"You're disrupting my oboe practice."
"You don't play the oboe."
"I could play the oboe."

"Was that a mustache or a shit stain?"
"It's a lipshitz!"

"He's playing with his tie!"
"It must be a bowjob!"

"You're going to hell."
"....shut up!"

"(Talking about being careful and cautious) Well, if I were you, I'd grow eyes out of my ass."
"Well, I still sit on my ass a lot...so...I'll just stick to the back of my head."

"I want to strangle her and make her eat socks."

"You have hair like a teddybear guinea pig."

"Would you like some mouse intestines?"
"No thanks. I got some of my own."

"They talked about the relationship between food and sex."
"What class is this?"
"this one."

"Ok, my ass is falling asleep...so I think the rest should follow."

"The distance between New York City and New York City is zero."

"This is where I pick my nose and fart."
"Oh...do you eat it?"
"That's disgusting."

"Don't mind me. I'm just scraping the dead skin off of my lip...atleast i'm not not picking my nose."
"Yeah, who the hell picks their nose?"
"And farting."
"That's gone now."

"Would you like a salad?"
"No."
"NO?!"
"Yes! I said yes!"

"It's not fair that these people get to have fun while we struggle with the conjugation!"

"You have to know this for the test if you know acid-base chemistry."
"I guess then I don't have to know it."

"How do we know it's a weak acid?...because it's not on the strong acid list!"

"Oh, I have so much homework to do tonight! I'm going to bed."

"You're some kind of big fat smart bug aren't you? (starship troopers)"
"Deep thoughts, huh?"

"(at a restaurant) What'd you get?"
"Too much."

"I like to regurgitate things."

"She said she's going to throw your window out of your computer."

"You bit me!"
"You poked my tum tum!"
"You bit my fin fin....ger...ok...that doesn't work."

"I have a proposition for you."
"Ok."
"Ok. You do my chem lab...and i'll watch tv."
"Um...no."

"So that's a no?"
"That's a hell no."

"There's a reason why there's a banana in my car. I'm trying to lure the monkey out of my head."

"Advanced dressage? Is that like where you learn to put the saddle on the horse?"
"Yes, Tori. That's the course for you. Learning to put a saddle on a horse for an entire semester."

"Allright, Jacky. We're going out now...you just keep on sleeping."
"See? She listens to anything I tell her to do."

"Who's Nick?"
"Some guy she met at Vassar."
"He's not 'some guy.' He's my one true love."

"I would never live in a house where dead people lived."

"I'm a poet."
"Oh, does that mean you write poetry?"

"We have another test?!...But I just failed a test!"

"You can't change a man like that...actually, you can't change a man, period. You scratch the surface and what do you find? More surface."

"Well, if you think about it, Einstein failed elementary math in middle school, but then when he got into more complicated things like E=mc*2, he was a wiz."
"I'm kinda like the opposite. That's good right?"
"Yeah, Einstein's like 'I don't know how many toes I have, but E=mc*2.'"
"And i'm like 'I got 10. What the fuck is E=mc*2?'"
"(pause) I'm better off, right?"
"Yeah, definately."

"If I had said something like that, what kind of look do you think Kate would have given me?"
"Probably the same look i'm giving you."

"We were watching Ninja Scroll this morning."
"We were?"
"Yes, that's what it was called."
"oh."

"Babies are retarted midgets."
"Ninjas?"
"No, midgets...because Ninjas are quiet."

"You didn't have to go out and buy me bottled water. I could have just gotten it from the tap."
"You don't want to drink that water."
"mmm...crunchy."

"Forget it, fuck off."
"No, you fuck off."
"No, you fuck off."
"I hate your haircut."
"Yeah, and you got cross-eyes and buck teeth."
"Your mother."

"I'm tough and I hit you with the dog."

"I am quick and I pour myself some rum."
"Ahhh....I too am quick and I do the same."

"Haha...i'm a hunter...i'll kill you...and hunt you...and kill you."

"Wait...what's the answer?"
"B...what question did you want the answer for?"

"Let's go to the winery."
"Oh, what do they sell there?"

"Dave, be perceptive."
"Uh, I am perceptive and I notice you challenging me."

"Dave - what does 'loud' mean?"
"Uh.....LOUD!"

"I don't think Grant likes me. Grant, do you like me?"
"No, I hate you."
"What about me?"
"I hate you too."
"Dood! Do you hate me?"
"Yes, I fucking hate you. I hate you all! Get out (we're at Brendan's)."

"(Kat is poking Brendan with a stick) Poke, poke!"
"Ahhhaha, you can't hurt me. I am iron man."
"....poke...."

"It went down nice and smooth like a good 14-year old's should (talking about scotch)."

"You are all big balls of suck."

"Dude, I had this finger, and the window, right...ad there was blood, right...Oh man!"
"...right."

"I'll beat you like a tuna."
"....mmmm tuna."

"Dude, you had one of those crappy ass crap ass...crap."

"If I had a dime for every time I got hit in the face...<trails off>."
"How many dimes would you have?"
"A lot."
"Yeah, cuz I love just punching you in the face for no apparent reason."

"It's kind of cold out here. <Puts on backpack> The sad thing is that i'm expecting warmth from this."

"Wow...she smoked that fast...she must have been...smokey? You know...you're hungry, thirsty...smokey."
"Foamy."
"Yes, Zoe is in a foamy mood."
"Ahh...I too am in a foamy mood and I pour myself some rum."

"Not to assign blame...but it wasn't my fault."

"Someone tell me to shut the fuck up."
"Shut the fuck up."
"I hate you."

"Thank you from keeping all of us from getting lives."

"Retest luck."
"You bitch."

"Ok. You see black inky ink fly out of my ass."
"ok."
"Ok...fair escape."
"Oh..."

"He's dead?"
"That's what a bullet does to you."

"Are you drinking Orange Juice?"
"Yes; it's homestyle."
"Does homestyle have pulp?"
"Yes, Homestyle has pulp, groovestand has more."

"I wont have him subjected to scrutiny and ridicule."
"mmmm...i'll be scrutiny, you be ridicule."
"Why do I always have to be ridicule?"

"Oh my god! It's leaking blood!"
"How do you know?"
"Because I tasted it."
"What's wrong with you?"
"I don't know."

"Want some corn?"
"Butter flavor?"
"New car smell."
"mmm."

"You're weird."
"Yeah....you're weird."

"I got bitten by a misquito."
"Let me tell you something about misquitoes. Last saturday we were fucking assaulted by every fucking misquito in western Massachusetts. I tell you - these misquitoes had to walk home after all that blood they drank."

"So what time are you gonna go to sleep tonight?"
"Pretty fucking soon if we're going to go jogging again tomorrow."
"Why the hell are you going jogging again?"
"Because we're all out of shape bitches."
"(in the background) Whoa whoa whoa!~"
"Except for Scott."

"I asked you a simple question."
"And I gave you a simple answer."
"You gave me no answer!"

"See? I can't go to sleep now because it's so... <Looks at watch and gasps> LATE!"

"So do you want some pumpkin pie?"
"I don't think there's anything I'd like less...except to have my toenails pulled out and shoved up my nose."
"So I take it you don't want any?"

"What about this crushed can?"
"Oh, good! What kind of mood were you in when you drew it?"
"Uh...in a crushed can kind of mood?"

"I can just imagine us being bitter old hags who never married sitting on a bench all dressed in black with our canes hitting the pidgeons saying: 'Damn pidgeons! Always falling in love!"

"Hand me my fork?"
"And no one says you're not spoiled."
"What?...you handed me my fork!"

"(Three hours after trying to change one tire on a car when two are flat) So what were you going to do once you got the donut on?"
"...I dunno."

"Hi, I thought I would give you a call. I'm just bored."
"Where are you calling from?"
"New Jersey."
"Whoa, that's a lot of bored."

"So do you like to LARP?"
"I like to twist! (Does a little twisty dance)"

"I'm a dog person."
"I'm a cat person."
"I'm a person person."

"You know the one thing that French is good for?"
"Only one?"

"How old are you?"
"<snicker> Statutory."

"I sang that song once in a talent show. It was like third grade. (Meatloaf's "I would do anything for love")"
"That must have been agonizing."
"Yeah, it was like a 10 minute song."
"Not for you, I meant."

"(describing a substitute teacher we had) You don't understand. This woman looked like Tom Petty if Tom Petty was dead for two days."

"Is my tummy too big?"
"Nah. How many months are you?"

"What's today's date?"
"July 4th?"

"I got home late because of the Mankees Yets game."

"My mom's purse it really hideous. It's like something you put on a mule."

"It was long and redundant and redundant."

"Do you have anything I could eat...like a potato chip...or pretzyl...or a chicken?"

"(talking about music) Do you know what I put on?"
"Pants?"
"No."
"No pants...ooohhh."

"What are you doing?"
"I'm trying to figure out what I just ate. It looked like Cauliflour but had the consistency of cheese...but tasted like tomato."

"Is it the Smashing Pumpkins?"
"No."
"Oh......it should be."

"(about the idea of a divorce) All I can say is that it was your idea...and i'm going to get a bagel."

"It was a pleasure meeting you. I hope I'll see you again."
"Oh sure! I'll see you at Michelle's wedding."
"Oh, I hope I'll see you before that."

"You're hyper. no more sugar for you."
"I'll die..."

"Don't hit your head on the counter."
"Don't worry. I've done it before. It hurt."

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