"I only lock my door when I'm either sleeping or doing something indecent."
"Like jumping around naked."
"Or jumping around naked with someone else."
"On the bed."
[Both] "Horizontally."

"It's komono time!"

"How do you spell Kimono? K-I-M-O-N-O?"
"I dont know. You're the Asian freak."

"Oh, good morning! Have you photosynthesized your breakfast today?!"

"Ok...like get changed for Salem and meet be downstairs."
"...get changed for Salem?"

"Margaret just walked in and said 'We need to go to Montreal sometime.' I think that's a good idea. You can drive."
"The whole way there?"
"No, half way. We can take the bus the rest of the way."
"Ok."
"Yes, the whole way there!"

"<Looking up at the moon in Salem> So if a witch flew on her broom across the moon wouldn't she be too small for us to see?"
"...ye...n.....shut up!"

"[After a huge argument over the color of a light on a ship] Dude, i'm sorry. That light still looks green to me."
"It is green! You were the one saying it was blue!"

"Well, I still have to pee."
"Again?"
"So do you."
"Oh yeah."

"Are we there yet? [We are two hours away]"
"Yes. Get out...here's your dorm. I'll...uh...meet you around back."

"So I saw people jumping out the window and land less than forty feet from me."
"And you saw their bloody remains??"
"No, they were fine. They got up and had icecream...yes, bloody people!"

"Oh yea, I was supposed to have a fight with you about this, but I forgot."

"...Atleast as far as I know i'm not a gay male."

"How did she die?"
"I don't know. Probably from dancing around too much."

"I've slipped on some blood. That's a bad omen."

"He killed himself, sir."
"That's odd."

"There was a bitter taste on your lips. Was it the taste of blood? Perhaps it was the taste of love."
Margaret: "No, it was blood."
"They say love has a bitter taste."

"My hands hurt. I have stigmata in my hands!"
"<mocking me> I'm going to call it "stigmata" because it's a damn cool word! My first-born will be named stigmata."

"Waaaaahhh!"
"Oh for crying out loud..."
"I am crying out loud!"

"Hank is that you?"
"It's Hank...and Scott!"
"<Nick> My name's not Scott, dumb ass!"

"Thank me."
"What?"
"Thank me."
"Thank you?"
"Yes."
"What for?"
"For not stabbing you in the eye with this. <a granola bar>"

"TV or witchcraft?"
"That's not a fair choice."
"Oh."
"Well, anyway, I have to stand up."
"<Pause...> Get up."

"Do we have to be here? <in class>"
"..that is uncanny because it was on the tip of my tongue...how about you walk out and i'll say 'Irene, where are you going?' and follow you out the door?"
"LOL...no."
"ok...I should have brought a book."

"Hey, Dave, do you have perfect pitch?"
"No."
"So you have imperfect pitch?"

"Fuck you, Tori! I have stubbed my toe on your chair for the last time!"

"Aha! You've fallen for the old pour water into the condom trick!"

"...sitting there with duct tape on my head..."
"Why did you have duct tape on your head?"
"To keep the bag on."
"Oh...wait...."

"Ugh! These fruit flies followed me home from lab and they're all like 'nice hair!' and i'm like 'thanks!'"
"...Do you normally talk to your mutant fruit flies?"

"I'd clap, but i'd drop my soda."

"How'd you pull your back?"
"Running."
"You ran?"
"Yes."
"On purpose?"
"Yes."

"You ever notice I have a fear of large people?...not large people or I wouldn't be LARPing...large groups of people."

"You walk like my grandmother."
"I feel like your grandmother."

"Undiscriminating...that means...not....discriminating?"
"<claps> You're so clever! Yay! You get a star~!"

"<describing the button on an airplane that calls the stewardess> Come see me little lady in the shoes."

"<at random> Yes, we have no bananas."

"<said sadly describing a fallen juice box> It commited suicide!"

"We have an exam on wednesday."
"...for this class?"
"<nod>"
"<pause>...Oh."

"I didn't intentionally lay down, I was just sorta THROWN <giant hand movement> to lay down."

"Now I press the button that says FF!"

"On Monday, the 12th."
"When's Monday, the 12th?"
"...Monday...the...12th."

"It's almost over for the Boston Red Sox. They only have four more games left, and then the suffering is over."

"Aren't we a gay little bunch."
".....no!"

"Oh, that's so bad it knocked the Irish accent out of me!"

"Hey, can you give me a brief overview of puppetry? <a wraith arcanoi>"
"Sure. I skin ride you, I make you do little things, I make you do bigger things, more things, and bigger things, I destroy your soul and control your body....FOREVER!....In a nut shell."

"I've been orbiting the 'what the fuck' planet for the last 15 minutes."

"She's been possessed by demons and should be exercised."
"I can exercise!"

"When a habit begins to cost money, it is called a hobby."

"How does an angel wing go?"
"Well, first I rip it off and shove it up your ass!"

"What have we got to drink?"
"PAPS...and..."
"Never say the word "paps" in front of women. It makes them nervous."

"We're running out of things to drink."
"That fish bowl is looking pretty good right about now.

"<after Jason (who is really drunk) knocks over a lot of empty beer bottles> Oh Fuck. I hate pants."
"Oh yeah, I hate pants too."

"They have a sanskrit textbook? I wish they had an ancient egyptian textbook."
"They do."
"Where?"
"...I dont know.....over there! <points>"

"The gas tank explodes."
"Ooh, and guess who's hiding under the gas tank? I'll give you a hint...it's not me!"

"Can you not steal the sporks from my socks!"

"Can I have a bite?"
"No!"
"Can I have a bite?"
"No!"
"Dood, can I have a bite?"
"No!"
"Why not?"
"One bite from you and ice cream bar gone!"

"Give me a blank item card, Brandon."
"What?"
"Give me a blank item card."
"You mean a note card as they're normally called?"

"Make me some stir fry."
"I dont know how to."
"It's pretty simple. Its name describes the directions...kinda like baked potato."

"I am smart and I try to mesmerize you."
"Well...I am intuitive and I shoot you between the eyes."

"We can drop her off and come back...or you could come back and I could...pick my nose."

"Where are you going?"
"To the water fountain...also known as the BUBBLAH!"

"<Whispering and offering soup in a spoon> Soupy soup soup salty..."
"<done with soup and giving the bowl> Bowly bowl bowl...."

"Is this a mood ring?"
"Yes."
"<drops it> Can I drop it?"

"Oops, I've dropped my book. I'll just pick up the next closest book. <picks up Harry Potter.>"

"That thing tasted like a ixture of semen and blood....it was really good."

"Yo, gangsta bitch Tori says 'what up.' <Pause> Brandon says word to the mothership."

"<a tourguide in Salem talking about a statue> Does anyone remember his name?"
"Cotton....cotton something."
"<a group of men with mullets walk by> Mullet! <pokes Tori> Mullet!"
"Cotton....cotton....<gets poked> ....Co-Cotton Mullet?"
"No! <points to the men> Mullet!!!"

"I never eated it so I don't know how good it's yummy."

"I'm going to say this one more time and then i'm going to print out bumperstickers."

"I've dropped this thing too many times for words."
"So...now you use numbers?"

"Evidence for who?"
"Cain. Cain. David Cain."
"Cane as in candy?"
"Cain as in killed his brother."
"...huh?...how do you spell that?"
"It's that one! That one there!"

"How are you, Tori?"
"Well, if I threw up right now, I think I would have enough food remaining in my belly to be full."

"What was your major?"
"I don't remember...I'm too old... <pause> Alchemy. The cutting edge of science. I'm that old."

"[On changing topics too quick] Yes, I'm sorry, you're right. I didn't put my directional on."

"Doris, we're almost wearing the same sweater...except yours is ribbed and mine is itchy."

"I like the lesbians [at Wellesley]. They're really smart."
"Nah, my lesbians are just violent."
"Your lesbians?"

"They have really good mediocre food there."

"Tori, we are meant for each other...because I am The One ... and you are ... the Other One."

"<After a long pause while eating mediocre food> Mmmm...peas...."

"I'm not paying attention anymore."
"To what?...Oh, look, he's still talking! Look at that!"

"Well, I made it clear to Darien today that we aren't dating."
"Really? What'd you say?"
"Well, I said: 'Well, we aren't dating...'"

"I hate having emotions cloud my judgement! I hate it! I hate it!"
"Hate is an emotion too, you know."
"Goddamn it!"

"<crawls on the floor, picking up a piece of paper she dropped. Irene looks at her, an insane 'what are you doing/where are you going' expression on her face.> Bye Irene...see you later."

"Hey, Dave...if you don't get tenure, will you think about going into standup?"

"So, Tori...what's new?"
"My grandma's got cancer."
"Is she asian?"
"No."
"Poor woman."

"And we have ethical challenge...human...embryo...stuff."

"I'm such a UMASS student...cause I always want these to be multiple choice. (evaluations)"

"<after being nudged> Oowww! My ulna!"

"Sorry, your face isn't chubby enough to squeeze."
"Thank you!"
"...you're welcome."

"I want my own room."
"That's fine. I completely respect your opinion. I'm not gonng be all like 'either you live with me...or you don't...live at all...?'"

"Is that a dolphin? <points at a girl's necklace>"
"Yes."
"<Angrily punches the girl in the shoulder> I like dolphins!"

"I'll finish the vodka...that way I don't get too drunk."

"I have to poot...but i'm afraid i'll poop too...<poot> Yay!"
"I'm happy for you."
"No one's as happy as I am that I don't have poop in my pants."

"Get the hell outta of my room, biznatch."
"I don't know. I didn't make up the word."

"Can you point me in the direction of where I can find Pink Floyd?"
"Sure. <Walks away>"
"She points funny."

"10 dollars!"
"Hey, how much for that ten dollar bill?"
"$7.50. It's on sale today."

"Ok, I'm logging off now. I have books to read and sleep to...sleep."

"Wait...let me shoe my tie laces."

"Hello, big stick."
"Hello, Scott."

"Guess what hairstyle I have?"
"Frizzy?"
"No."
"Just woke up?"
"No."
"Driving in a convertable?"

"Palpate yourself...or palpate someone you love."

"and then we have 3 or 4 or 5 or 6 or 10 additional bones in the coccyx."

"[poltergeist] Can you believe it? It was only rated PG!"
"You're rated PG!"
"I'll rate you!"

"Deb? Does this area where the muscle connects have a name?"
"......it does."

"You said the shi- word!"

"If you collect go, pass $200."

"You're still here?"
"I tried to gather my stuff, but it all fell...<we both look around>...right back to the way it was."

"Who pees in the dark?"
"I pee in the dark!"
"But what if you miss...and when you go to flush, you find yourself in a puddle of piss!"
"I've been peeing for 20 years. I think I know how to pee."

"You should have something more in blood red...the color of really mean teachers."

"But sweetie...you have a stain colored rug."

"Tori's made of cells."
"You're made of cells too."
"No, actually, I'm made of Legos."

"What you've done is just made a assumption. And you know that happens wen you make an assumption: You make and ass out of you (u) and -mption."

"Well, you want, we can have sex about it...but I was just hoping we could fight and then go to bed."

<Risk characters/game pieces having a conversation when they Enter greenland>
#1: "Hey, man. Why do they call it Greenland if it's really made of ice and Iceland if it's really green?"
#2: "And yeah! Why do they call them apartments if they're so close together?"
#3: "Yeah, what gives?! You park on a driveway and dr-"
Scott: Tori, shut the fuck up!

"You know, you're more than alright. You're pretty good."

"Fine, you just eat your pancakes dry."
"I'll eat YOU dry!"
"...."
"..."

"Skull and cross spoons!"

"I'm going to go into human behaviour and cut off her head and look at her brain and poke it with a stick."
"That's not very scientific."

"Sorry! I'm sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Fuck you!"

"What did you just do?"
"You dropped something on your lap and when you weren't looking, I picked it up and ate it....ew."

"...and it pisses the shit out of me!"

"Can you be a human decent being for all of 5 seconds?"

"I liked Jimmy Neutron."
"<people cringe> ooohhhh..."
"Did you watch it?"
"no."
"Then shut up!"

"You didn't say stop or anything...you just kept saying 'wow! wow! wow!'"
"I'm spastic. Spastic people can't say 'stop' or 'help' cause all they can think is 'wow! wow! wow!"

"It's ok. I didn't want to sit on a high chair."
"Oh...I..."
"No, actually, it's ok. I didn't really want to sit on a high chair."

"I'm gonna speed read now, so no talking for a minute."
"I won't talk....nope, I won't say a word...I'll just sit here and be quiet."

"I hate Valentine's Day."
"It's not Valentine's Day."

"So what are you gonna give up for lent?"
"I'm thinking about giving up being indecisive."
"Are you sure?"
"I don't know. What do you think?"

"Squeak squeak squeak means 'gimme gimme gimme a man until midnight' in any language."

"I don't want to be a vampire! What makes you think I want to look like this for the rest of my life?"

"Here you go, little boy. Watch out for the needle."

"I'm gonna zone out again. Being me back in about 10 minutes."
"Ok. Bye bye."

"Oh god! My hands are so cold that every time I go to touch my balls, they shriek in agony and run into my lungs."

"Today I wrote two letters to my state rep and to my state senator:
Dear Political People,
Send UMASS more money, or me and my friend Nick will slash your tires.
Sincerely,
Scott."

"Dood! Get him a pizza!"
"He doesn't want a pizza! He just killed his parents!"
"Who wouldn't want pizza?"

"OK!...and the sanity in this room just made a run for it."

"Like pig. Much like pig. be sad if pig gone. Much cry."
"Ahhhh, broken english."

"You know, that shuffling outside your door kinda sounds like Margaret."
"It's not, though."
"Yeah, cause she's kinda in Russia."

"Are you angry?"
"No, i'm not angry, i 'm just raising my voice."
"Why are you raising your voice?"
"I don't know!"

"(a bio teacher) The nucleus of your friends..."

"I'm eating the food of your people."
"I'm not chinese."
"oh."

"You're colorblind."
"I'm not colorblind. I just have a hard time telling the difference between black and navy blue bugs."
"You're retarded."
"I'm not retarded."
"You're Asian."
"...yeah, i'm Asian."

"My friends and I have a quote book, but we only write down funny things."
"Fuck off."

"Heidi, you're overpowering the Soprano 2's."
"What's that mean?"
"It means you're singing too loud."

"(two and a half years later) You don't roll the Rs in the Star Spangled Banner."

"<slams fist down on the table> Damnit, Amanda! We're going to have to eat that ice cream."
"Goddamn it, Tori!"

"With my luck, i'll go to a tattoo parlor and i'll ask all the right questions, but i'll still end up with Frank, the new guy....and he'll sneeze."

"(Drinking game: up and down the river. John is drinking Captain Morgan's spiced Rum. We all make him drink.) I am so done. Thank you so much for making my life hell."
"You said pussy drinks, remember? (John made a comment about how he drinks the real drinks rather than the pussy drinks (beer)"

"Guinness is good for you."
"Mother's milk, yo."

"Dood, don't drink the milk. It has curds...and no way...no way....Lots of vitamin natzi in it."
"Did you just say vitamin natzi?"

"Chicks dig scars."
"...I was bitten by a guppy....i got a scar from stew."

"I'll sing as long as he doesn't play the guitar."
"I'll be softly tuning over here."
"ok, but softly ... because if you play, jesus cries."

"We're doing the harmony?"
"Yeah, we're doing the harmony! yeah I want cheezy poofs!"

"Ugh, I don't like chocolate oranges.....can I have another piece?"
<later>
"I really don't like the orange."
"Would you like another piece."

"I don't like his new image at all."
"I don't think it's an image. i think it's a mistake."

"He doesn't appreciate stuff like that."
"he will."

"What are you writing?"
"Nothing."
"No, really, what are you writing?"
"Nothing!"
"You're writing that i'm paranoid, aren't you?"

"That's not much my memory is strange..."

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