Shinya felt the water tendrils caressing him, slipping through the clothes. His eyes stung with the salt water so he closed them, his arms floating in the waters. He thought he heard someone call his name.

Shinya!

It sounded like Die. His mind went back to the night they made love on the beach. Die’s gentle touches, his passionate kisses, his tender words…

***

Die dove into the water, searching for his love. He forced his eyes open but it was too dark for him to see anything except bubbles and the black water. He emerged from the waves, taking a deep breath before sinking down again. He was swimming deeper and deeper, his feet no longer could touch the sand beneath. But he only heard the panicked shrieks in his heart.

He held his breath and plunged deeper. Still nothing.

I won’t let Shinya die like this! I still have so many things to say to him! So many things we haven’t done! So many things left unsettled…He can’t leave! Shinya!

Die felt his heart leap when his hand caught something. He pulled and realised it was Shinya’s hair.

***

The full moon hid behind the black clouds as two bodies climbed onto the sandy shores. Die’s hair hung dripping wet and his clothes clung to his body; an unconscious Shinya on his back. Breathing heavily, he laid the frail man on the sand.

" Shinya!" he called in attempt to wake him. But the drummer didn’t flutter even an eyelash. His hands felt cold and clammy when Die held them, his face pale and ghostly as the moon cast its glow down.

" No…" Die put a finger under Shinya nostrils. He was not breathing. Mind in a blur, Die placed his hands on the man’s chest and pressed down again and again. Water spurt out from Shinya mouth but when Die tested again, he was still not breathing.

" Shinya!!!" Die felt salt water running down from his face, not knowing if it was from the sea or were his tears. " Please!" Fear, finally identified, attacked Die. But Shinya did not hear.

Thinking of all ways to revive Shinya, Die tried to resuscitate Shinya but only to end up more desperate and aware that time was slipping away and he could just be too late to save Shinya. He was the one who failed Shinya. The one who forced him to this end.

Die broke down. Tears rushed down without control. "Shinya!"

Why? Why did you leave me?!

His fist hit the ground hard but he felt no pain. Only the pain in his heart…

Suddenly he heard a cough. He scrambled next to Shinya who was hacking with coughs.

" Shinya!" Die exclaimed and gathered him into his arms.

The young man whimpered weakly. "…Die…"

***

His body was numb and he couldn’t breath properly. But he kept hearing his name called. He felt strong arms carry him. He opened his eyes and saw the face of the man he loved, framed by flaming red hair; behind him the full moon smiled down.

"…Die…"

***

The moon outside was round and beautiful as it peered into the hospital ward. But Die didn’t notice it. Sitting beside the bed, he gazed at the patient. His eyes traced the sleeping face, slightly pale but circles of pink were surfacing on the cheeks. Die’s fingers lingered over his features as if kissing them.

" Shinya…" his voice cracked from crying. His eyes were still red.

Kaoru was right. I should be making you happy…but I made it worse…

Sniffing, Die wiped at his watery eyes and continued looking at Shinya, looking at the drip connected to his wrist, looking at the screen monitoring his heartbeat, and guilt washed over him. Was Shinya trying to tell him something before leaving the apartment? Why would Shinya be so desperate as to kill himself? Die slowly pondered on the matter but soon decided to give up.

Shinya’s safe now…that’s the important thing ne…

I shouldn’t be caring why did he try to commit suicide! At least he’s still alive, still breathing…

Shinya’s hair felt soft and fine as he fingered the light brown strands falling over his forehead.

…but for who? Is it for Kaoru…or for…me?

‘You know, Die…he really loves you.’

Shinya’s eyes stayed close even as Die gently traced his thin arching brows.

Do you really love me, Shinya? Then why didn’t you stop when you saw me running after you? Do you just want to make me feel bad for telling you to leave?

Baka! What if you really died? Then what would I do without you?

Suddenly nothing seemed to matter anymore except Shinya’s existence. Suddenly Die couldn’t care less that Shinya had slept with Kaoru…or if Shinya didn’t love him after all…All that mattered was he could still see Shinya everyday at rehearsals, at concerts, at photo sessions, band outings…

I’d always love him, no matter what…

Die stood up and sat down at the side of the bed, his hand reaching for Shinya’s. He folded Shinya’s petite hands in his larger ones…and sat there for a long while.

After quite some time, a half-asleep Die thought he heard someone cough. His eyes snapped open.

***

The coughs came from his chest and it hurt like hell. Shinya tried to swallow but his throat was too dry. Droplet of tears began to form at the corners of his eyes. He saw a distorted image of a man sitting beside him.

" Die…?" he croaked.

" Shinya!"

***

"Shinya!" Die eyes were wide as tears of happiness came without warning. Careful not to hurt the weaker man, he embraced him in a hug. Shinya let out a small gasp but happily let the older man cry on his shoulder for a few moments.

" Die…?"

" Yes?"

" Can I…have some water please?" Shinya asked. Quickly Die poured him a glass from the jug beside the bed. Greedily, Shinya gulped the water down.

" I’ll go call the nurse, okay?" Die said, getting up as he wiped off the tears of joy from his eyes, feeling a little embarrassed.

But Shinya held on to his hand. "Die…please stay with me for a while??" His voice was soft, almost scared…scared that Die would never come back to him again.

Die smiled, "Okay," and sat back down on the mattress. He was surprised when Shinya pulled himself up and wrapped his arms around him. Die’s body felt warm and safe and he missed it so much. Every night he slept alone, dreaming of these strong arms that protected him now…Shinya tightened his embrace.

" Would you ever forgive me?" Shinya asked, biting his lips.

Die held Shinya’s head against his chest as he stroke his hair. "I’ve already forgiven you…"

Shinya smiled and Die could almost hear it. "Thank you…thank you!" He pressed his body closer to Die’s and closed his eyes. It felt so nice, so comfortable…He wanted to stay like that forever in Die’s arms, never lost, never alone…

" I love you, Shinya…" He could smell the fragrance of Shinya’s hair mingled with the salty tang of the sea as he kissed the top of his head.

Shinya pulled away from him and looked into his eyes. Their eyes locked but Shinya felt his lids flutter shut as Die’s face moved nearer. Their lips met gently; Die pulling Shinya against him while Shinya just ambled in passion of their kiss. Soon Die had him lying on the bed, whimpering his name between kisses.

" Shinya…" His arms wrapped around his shoulders possessively. "How could I ever think I’ll let Kaoru have you…?"

" Kaoru could never have me…I already belong to you…" Shinya whispered, blushing in the Die’s shadow. "I love you."