Calm

by Mako

Comments: Um, this comes after 'Confusion'. Hey! Only one more part to go! Yatta! ^^ I'm kinda tired. Um, this part, if you can't tell, is from Jiro's POV. Again, I'm sorry it's short, the next part is gonna be even shorter! *eep* Ne, comments and critique very much appreciated.
Hope you like it. ^^
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    You know, I could still taste you, long after I left. Whenever I licked my lips, your taste still lingered. I couldn’t get rid of it. I didn't know if I even wanted to...
   
    The next day, I avoided you, I was too embarrassed to face you, I mean, I _kissed_ you! I stayed as far away from you as possible, like you used to, remember? I skirted around the edges of the room all day, hoping that you wouldn't notice me. Finally, practice was over and I practically ran out to my car, glad to be free of the embarrassment of seeing you.
   
    But you followed me.
   
    You stopped me with your hand on my shoulder and I could feel your heat through the layers of clothing. I turned around and looked at you. Funny that you're actually shorter than me, but at that moment, you looked to be looming over me, your eyes watching me.
   
    I turned away. I couldn't stand to see those dark eyes.
   
    You talked softly, gently, standing quietly behind me, never touching me. But I could still _feel_ you, the same way I felt you that night in the kitchen. This wasn't any sort of 'sense', I couldn't sense you. No, I could feel you. You. All of you. Starting from that silky, wild, blue hair down to your little blue-painted toes. I wonder, can you feel me too...?
   
    You told me that you were sorry for yesterday and that, if I wanted, we could pretend like nothing happened. I couldn't look at you. I couldn't move, I couldn’t even nod or shake my head. I didn't want you to be sorry! I didn't want you to apologize! _I_ was the one you kissed _you_!
   
    I guess you took my silence as my consent. I don't think you thought that I could see you, my back turned to you and all. But I could. Your reflection on my car window. You nodded and then... Then you raised your hand a little, reaching out to touch me. Your hand stayed that way for a moment, suspended in the air, almost touching my shoulder. Then you shook your head ruefully, stuffed your hands into your pockets and walked away.
   
    After that, things were normal between us, or, at least as normal as things could have gotten considering all that happened. Mostly 'normal' was you completely ignoring me and I avoiding you. It would have worked, I think, except for the noisy, stifling tension between us.
   
    And during those day, know what?
   
    I dreamed about you.
   
    You know, I never dreamed before. Not until you. Somehow I started associating my dreams with you until I believed that I dreamed because of you.
   
    I didn't mean to dream, it just happened. And it drove me crazy. Because when I closed my eyes, I could see you, your dark, tender eyes watching me. I could hear your ragged breathing. But worst of all, I could feel you. And I kept reliving the scene in the back room, my stolen kiss. Your soft lips crushed against mine and that brief second when your hands touched my sides with surprising gentleness. It was barely a touch, your hands just skimming my clothing, but it left me aching for another touch, another look, _anything_.
   
    I guess, looking back, things would have been so much simpler if I had just told you my feelings. But, understand, at the time, I wasn't sure of them myself. I was scared shitless and I think you were too.
   
    Not to say I didn't try. I did. I wanted to talk to you about something, anything would have done. Mostly, I wanted to ask you if you knew this feeling too, this feeling when I'm around you, this painful aching in my heart. But, really, anything would have done, anything. Unfortunately, it seemed like I had a tendency to become a babbling idiot where you were concerned. I never knew what to say. One time, we were in the back, waiting for Teru and Takuro to show up, they were even later than you. They always seemed to arrive late these days... together. Hmm... I wonder why...
   
    Anyway, the tension between us was so thick I could have cut it with a knife, I swear. I tried to think of something to say to ease the tension. I spotted the guitar you were holding. It looked new. I opened my mouth the make some witty comment on it, but all that came out was, "hey, look, that's your guitar!"
   
    You looked at me for a moment, raised an eyebrow and continued to stare off in to space. Almost immediately, my brain continued its mantra: "Stupid, stupid, stupid..."
   
    It came to a point when I was dreaming about you from the moment I woke up to the moment I feel asleep. Problem was, I couldn't sleep. Is this how you felt? Is this why you came day after day with those huge bags under your eyes? I'm sorry, then. I'm sorry I caused you this pain.
   
    I kept myself awake on sugar and coffee. Somehow, I managed to make it through day after day. And you, with your damn perfect mask. The only thing that gave you away were your eyes.
   
    No matter how hard you try to cover your feelings, your eyes will always give you away. They're so expressive.
   
    You have the strangest eyes, you know... like cat eyes. Beautiful.
   
    They were the things that kept me going. Because, sometimes, I'd look up and you'd be watching me. You'd look away, of course, but each time, I thought... I thought I saw it still there in your eyes, that desire. That gave me hope.
   
    But, just mere hope can't get you everywhere. My body started slowing down after days of virtually no sleep. Coffee and sugar just wouldn't cut it anymore. My body craved something else, something I couldn't give it.
   
    During practice I'd start hitting wrong notes, go to the wrong beat. It started as just a couple notes, a couple times, then it moved to entire songs. I'd start playing an entirely different song from the one we were practicing. I couldn't control it, sometimes I didn't even know until I realized that no one was playing but me.
   
    Even Takuro got fed up. One day, he just stopped practice and told me to go get some sleep. I watched as both he and Teru packed up and left. Oh, it was so easy for him to tell me to go sleep, after all, he was with the love of his life. And what did I have? Nothing.
   
    And suddenly my knees gave out from beneath me and I was drowning in my own storm of emotions. I felt like I was exploding. I was numb all over. I couldn't hear anything, couldn't see anything. I couldn't feel anything.
   
    At least until I felt you beside me.
   
    And then you wrapped your arms around me and suddenly I could hear the beating of your heart and I could see your worried, tender eyes.
   
    And I... I just wanted to _hold_ you.
   
    Because when you held me, everything was calm, quiet. My heart didn't ache anymore.
   
    I think I realized that I loved you, then. You, with your funny hooked nose, with your cold attitude, with your beautiful, dark, cat eyes. And as you held me, I wondered how I could fall in love with you so quickly, but I realized, maybe I had always loved you.

    I reached up and pulled your head down to mine, because all I wanted... just one more time... Please don't turn away...

    And you met me halfway, sending a thrill throughout my body. Do you know how soft your lips are? It's not fair, a guy shouldn't be allowed to have lips like yours. It was soft this time, the complete opposite of our first kiss. Just a simple kiss. No fancy stuff. No. Just you. You and me.
   
    I looked into your eyes and you smiled a little crookedly at me, your face a little flushed. I smiled a little back, murmuring to you the words of my heart and snuggled deeper into the comfort of your arms. Because you are my shelter from the storm.
   

    You are my calm.


    ~To be continued~

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