PAIN

by Mako

Comments: H-hi! U-um, this is my first fanfic ever. I haven't really
read
many other J-rock or Glay fics and I just became a fan of Glay, like, a
week
ago, so I'm very, very sorry if it's really bad. I just read one of
their
interviews and I was inspired : ). U-um... Comments and Critique very
much
appreciated, if you will...? I hope you like it!

+++

You know, it hurts.

It hurts just to look at you.

It's funny. Everybody says that we hate each other. I guess it's
true, at
least for you. And, I suppose, it used to be true for me too. I don't
know
when my feelings for you changed so dramatically. I guess they had been
changing for a long time. All I know is that one day, it hit me. Hard.

Do you remember that interview? The one with the Monthly Kadokawa
magazine when we had to write down questions to ask each other? I
remember. I
remember it so clearly.

One of my questions for you was: 'Do you hate me?' I kinda wrote it
as a
joke. I mean, I already knew your answer. You'd laugh a little, run
your
fingers through your short, orange hair, trying to think of a way to
get out
of a potentially very awkward situation. And then, you'd try to tell me
in a
nice way, 'yeah, I hate your guts!' Truthfully, I wrote that question
down
just to watch you squirm. So, I asked you, smirking a little at my own
little
joke.

I don't understand why you did it. Maybe you were trying to be
nice,
maybe you really felt that way, or, maybe it was your idea of a joke.
But,
instead of the answer I _knew_ I was gonna get, you leaned forward a
little,
an earnest look on your face. You hesitated for a second and then
answered,
"Well, I think we're too conscious of each other 'cause we're too
similar.
Hey, let's go have dinner together sometime to get to know each other
better." Then, you smiled. Just a little, the corners of your mouth
curving
upward just an inkling. But, you smiled at me. And suddenly, I couldn't
breathe, your dark eyes boring into mine, until I had to look away. You
must
have seen it. I mean, thereā€™s no way you could have missed it.

I avoided you after that, staying as far away from you as I could.
I
guess you caught on, because you started avoiding me too. And then, all
of a
sudden, you were all over Teru. Both of you went everywhere together. I
think
Takuro was a little jealous. I mean, you know that he's had a crush on
Teru
for a while now.

Once, I walked in on you guys during one of your make-out sessions.
You
both looked up, shocked, faces flushed. I smiled a little, apologized,
and
practically ran out of the room. I closed the door behind me and leaned
against it, catching my breath and trying to recollect myself. Do you
know
that I wasn't angry? I wasn't even jealous.

It just hurt.

God, it _hurt_.

And every time I see you, whether you're with Teru or even just by
yourself, it hurts.

I guess, somewhere, I'd figured that you were straight. That had
comforted me. If I couldn't have you, at least I knew it was because I
had no
chance with you. But seeing you with Teru...

I can't even look at you anymore.

I'd be damned if I ever told you how I felt. I wouldn't risk it,
not
after seeing you and Teru, not with your dark eyes boring into mine. I
couldn't. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. I've built myself too
carefully to
allow anything like that. Besides, what would I tell you? What would I
do?

So I'll just sit here and wait. And I'll watch you, even though it
hurts.
I'll watch you and revel in the half-smiles you throw at me from time
to
time, your scent I can barely catch when you brush by me. I'll revel in
this
feeling, this pain, because there's nothing else that I can do.

In the end, I guess they were right.

I love you, I love you so goddamn much it hurts.

And I hate you for it.


~Owari~

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