I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
I haven't found Mr Right, but I have found Mr Cheap, Mr Sleazy and Mr Wrong.
I'm not myself today. Maybe I'm you.
Be careful whose toes you step on today, they might be attached to the ass you have to kiss tomorrow.
When you fall off a horse don't get back on because the horse probably doesn't like you
"So many cheques, so little money."
The best way to keep one's word is not to give it.
I don't drink water, fish piss in it.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
I have an open mind - it's just closed for repairs.
Support Search & Rescue - GET LOST!
Success always occurs in private and failure in full public view.
" To err is human. And stupid."
"Even if you're paranoid, maybe they really are after you."
"Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce."
"Some women get excited about nothing and then marry him."
If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
Many people, when they run into a telephone pole, blame the pole!
My parents made me what I am today. I'm thinking of suing.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move dead bodies.
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
You can't teach an old dog new tricks, but you can beat him repeatedly with a rolled up newspaper.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Gravity is a bitch, the earth sucks.
Surprise your friends, burn their houses down.
Most people do very efficiently what needs not be done at all.
Photons have mass!?? I didn't even know they were Catholic...
I think therefore I am... I think .
Deja moo = "I swear that's the exact same cow we passed about six miles ago."
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may cancel your VISA."
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.
"What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over."
"Hard work never killed anybody...but why take chances?"
I say no to drugs, They just don't listen...
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
People who think they're perfect are very annoying to those of us who really are.
If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, he'll believe you. But if you tell him a parkbench has just been painted, he has to touch it to be sure.
You might as well take all of me - the parts you want aren't removable.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
"No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong."
Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
I thought about being born again, but my mother refused.
668: the neighbor of the beast.
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Perversity of Nature Law If you can't beat em', arrange to have them beaten.
If you love something. . .set it free. . .if it doesn't come back. . .hunt it down and kill it.
A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Quote from the Boss: I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.
When we talk to God it's called prayer. When God talks back it's called schizophrenia.
I disbelieved in reincarnation in my last life, too.
In the name of the Old Man, The Kid, and the Spook, Amen.
"Love thine enemies...it really pisses them off."
"Trust in God, but lock your car."
"We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually produce a masterpiece. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true."
The truth is out there? Does anyone know the URL?
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
We're having creative differences. I'm creative, you're different.
If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
Why doesn't DOS ever say: EXCELLENT command or filename?
Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/minute?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
Live life to the fullest... think of all the people on the Titanic who passed up chocolate dessert.
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
They can't fire me, slaves have to be sold.
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
1 out of 3 people can't read this, you stupid schmoo.
Earn cash in your spare time-blackmail your friends.
"Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly." Batman Costume warning label
I wish life had an UNDO function.
Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
"Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people."
The heart of a fool is in his mouth. But the mouth of a wise man is in his heart.
"Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like nobody's watching."
Few things in life are as satifying as seeing your own children have teenagers
Star trekkin' across the Universe, boldly going forward 'cuz we can't find reverse!
Know what I'm thinking? No. Neither do I; frightening, isn't it?
Whoever said money can't buy everything didn't know where to shop.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what parents were created for.
Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers.
Let us endeavour to live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
Ever notice that 'What the hell' is always the right decision?
Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy, check 3 friends, if they are ok, you're it.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.
Tell your little voices to SHUT UP! I can't hear mine...
Some people have a way with words, while others... erm... thingy.
A man who smiles when things go wrong knows who to blame.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
Character is what you are. Reputation is what people THINK you are.
If it ain't broken, don't fix it. If you broke it, blame the closest person to you.
I like nonsense, it awakens the brain cells.
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't.
This life is a test, only a test. If it had been real you would have received further intructions on where to go and what to do!
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on...
My karma ran over your dogma.
When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
Good generally conquers evil. Unless, of course, good is stupid.
A chat with you, and death loses its sting!
Its not that I don't want to clean my room its just that i have this theory that everything is balanced just right and if i attempt to move anything the whole structure of the house will come down like a house of cards
I had a friend once. Then the rope broke and he got away.
Accidents don't just happen. They must be carelessly planned.
a glance. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.