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This website has been an odd endeavor for me. I always wanted one, but never really imagined I would get my act together enough to have one. Some of the stories within focus on kinky adult themes like rape and BDSM. Why do I like these themes? I can tell you easily. I like the idea of rape, it seems romantic and linked to love. As you can tell, I'm a sexual abuse survivor. I'm ambivalent about this site, one one hand it seems dangerous to my healing, and on the other, I think it can be a positive and therapeutic experience for me. My stories are not just a means to getting me off, they will hopefully help me deal with and explore my ideas of sexuality and love.
I have just posted "Not a Boy...", and I felt it was important for me to post this along with it. In the story, Lauraly gets aroused when her brother rapes her. Thing is, one of my own issues is feeling shame for the way I reacted and the ways I was programmed to think by my abusers. A sexual reaction doesn't mean consent, it means that you have a human body which is designed to react in certain ways regardless of what you truly enjoy or don't enjoy.
Being a survivor doesn't mean being a poor innocent flower who has never hurt anyone ever, even children aren't innocent (although they ARE innocent in not deserving sexual or other abuse) they can be mean or precocious and many other things. I find that it's important for both survivors and offenders to get counselling and heal (though I know you can't force someone to heal) and that as adults we must as well as we can take responsibility for our wellbeing, this does NOT mean that I think ok to belittle survivors for being traumatized or anything like that but I guess I'm saying that Ithink the 'pure innoncence' of chldren is a fetishizing by paedophiles and the media, and that 'inherent unchangeable evil' of sex offenders of any kind is a fetishization of society and media. I think that the media pretends to be outraged by acts of sexual violence but has a kind of underlying excitement and luridness about reporting them. And I don't think this is ultimately healthy for survivors. I think healing is not cut and dried, and forces us to stand on our own in a world where we can't rely on black and white, digital on/off signals and icons to identify with in the pursuit of healing and change. I think I am rambling too much to explain my experience and opinions clearly so I'll stop for now.
I felt it was important for me to post this, to post that I do not endorse incest and sexual abuse or victim-blaming, that this is FANTASY. The actual acts of abuse, whether clear or subtle and muddied, are just that: actual, and abuse. They aren't imagined or 'not so bad'. Well, this is where I am now, and if this website changes anything in my life, I will post it here. If you have had a similar experience and want to talk about it, feel free to email me.