Alanis Morissette

21 Things I Want in a Lover

Do you derive joy when someone else succeeds?
Do you not play dirty when engaged in competition?
Do you have a big intellectual capacity but know
That it alone does not equate wisdom?
Do you see everything as an illusion?
But enjoy it even though you are not of it?
Are you both masculine and feminine? politically aware?
And don't believe in capital punishment?

These are 21 things that I want in a lover
Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer

Do you derive joy from diving in and seeing that
Loving someone can actually feel like freedom? are you funny?
à la self-deprecating? like adventure? and have many formed opinions?

These are 21 things that I want in a lover
Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer
I figure I can describe it since I have a choice in the matter
These are 21 things I choose to choose in a lover

I'm in no hurry I could wait forever
I'm in no rush cuz I like being solo
There are no worries and certainly no pressure in the meantime
I'll live like there's no tomorrow

Are you uninhibited in bed? more than three times a week?
Up for being experimental? are you athletic?
Are you thriving in a job that helps your brother? are you not addicted? ...curious and communicative...

A Man

I am a man as a man I've been told
Bacon is brought to the house in this mold
Born of your bellies I yearn for the cord
Years I have groveled repentance ignored

And I have been blamed
And I have repented
I'm working my way toward our union mended

I am man who has grown from a son
Been crucified by enraged women
I am son who was raised by such men
I'm often reminded of the fools I'm among

And I have been shamed
And I have relented
I'm working my way toward our union mended
And I have been shamed
And I have repented
I'm working my way toward our union mended

we don't fare well with endless reprimands
we don't do well with a life served as a sentence
this won't work well if you're hell bent on your offence
I am a man who understands your resistance

I am a man who still does what he can
to dispel our archaic reputation
I am a man who has heard all he can
cuz I don't fare well with endless punishment

Cuz I have been blamed and I have repented
I'm working my way toward our union mended
And we have been blamed and we have repented
I'm working my way toward our union mended

Are you still mad

Are you still mad I kicked you out of bed?
Are you still mad I gave you ultimatums?
Are you still mad I compared you to all
My forty year old male friends?
Are you still mad I shared our problems with everybody?

Are you still mad I had emotional affairs?
Are you still mad I tried to mold you into
Who I wanted you to be?
Are you still mad I didn't trust your intentions?
Of course you are.
Of course you are.

Are you still mad that I flirted wildly?
Are you still mad I had a tendency to mother you?
Are you still mad that I had one foot out the door?
Are you still mad that we slept together
Even after we had ended it?
Of course you are.
Of course you are.

Are you still mad I wore the pants most of the time?
Are you still mad that I seemed to focus
Only on your potential?
Are you still mad that I threw in the towel?
Are you still mad that I gave up long before you did?
Of course you are.
Of course you are.

Baba

I've seen them kneel with faded breath for the ritual
I've watched this experiance with psuedo higher levels
I've watched them leave their family in pursuit of their nirvana
I've seen them coming to line up from Switzerland and America

How long will this take, Baba?
How long have we been sleeping?
Do you see me hanging on to every word you say?
How soon will I be holy?
How much will this cost, Guru?
How much longer 'till you've completely absolved me?

I've seen them give their drugs in places of natured alters
I've heard them chanting kali, kali, frantically
I've heard them rodely repeat you teachers with iditism
I've seen them boasting the roads, and forgein dangle woods, beat

How long will this take, Baba?
How long have we been sleeping?
Do you see me hanging on to every word you say?
How soon will I be holy?
How much will this cost, Guru?
How much longer 'till you've completely absolved me?

Ave Maria, Ave Maria...

I've seen them overlooking God in their own essance
I've seen their upward glances in hopes of instant salvation
I've seen their ritcheouness mixed with their own loving confessions
I've watched you smile at the people who bowed to kiss your feet

How long will this take, Baba?
How long have we been sleeping?
Do you see me hanging on to every word you say?
How soon will I be holy?
How much will this cost, Guru?
How much longer 'till you've completely absolved me?

Give me strength all knowing one
How long 'till enlightenment?
How much longer 'till you've completely absolved me?

Ave Maria, Ave Maria, Ave Maria, Ave Maria

Can't not

Would I'd be lying if I said I was completely unscathed
Would I be putting it right with my silence and rage
Would I be letting you in; invite a reaction, yeah?
And how would I explain
How would I explain this to my children if I had them?

Because I can't not
Because I can't not
Because I can't not win without my losing, my dear

Would it be whining if I said I needed a hug?
Would you feel slighted if I said your love's not enough?
And how dare I complain?
And how dare I complain when you want for a chance for this?

Because I can't not
Because I can't not
Because I can't help laugh at your delusions

Because I can't not
Because I can't not
Because I can't help wonder why you ask me

To all the unheard children in the school yard
You think you're the right ones
You swear you're the charmed ones I'm sure
But how can you go on with such conviction?
Who do you think you are when you question me?

Because we can't not
Because we can't not
Because we can't help laugh at your delusions

Because we can't not
Because we can't not
Because we can't help wonder why you ask us

Why do you offend me?
Why do you offend me still?
Why do you compare me?
Why do you compare me still?

Because I can't not
Because I can't not
Because I can't not walk without my crutches

Flinch

What's it been over a decade?
It still smarts like it was four minutes ago
We only influenced each other totally
We only bruised each other even more so

What are you my blood? You touch me like you are my blood
What are you my dad? You affect me like you are my dad

How long can a girl be shackled to you
How long before my dignity is reclaimed
How long can a girl stay haunted by you
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name

Where've you been? I heard you moved to my city
My brother saw you somewhere downtown
I'd be paralyzed if I ran into you
My tongue would seize up if we were to meet again

What are you my god? You touch me like you are my god
What are you my twin? You affect me like you are my twin

How long can a girl be tortured by you?
How long before my dignity is reclaimed
And how long can a girl be haunted by you
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name
Soon I'll grow up and I won't even flinch at your name

So here I am one room away from where I know you're standing
A well-intentioned man told me you just walked in
This man knows not of how this information has affected me
But he knows the colour of the car I just drove away in

What are you my kin? You touch me like you are my kin
What are you my HEIR? You affect me like you are my HEIR.
 

Front row

Do you go to the dungeon.
To find out how to make peace
With your days in the dungeon?

Writing a letter to you didn't make me any more peaceful
Than how I felt when we weren't speaking.
Because I didn't cop to what I did.
I can't love you because we're supposed to have professional boundaries.

I'd like you to be schooled and in awe
As though you were kissed by God full on the lips.

I'm in the front row
The front row with popcorn.
I get to see you close up.

I'm too tired to recount the unpleasantries one by one one minutes I want to
banish you the next I want to be on a deserted island with you along with my
three favorite CD's ambivalent yet in your bed we've yet to acknowledge what
really happened.

Slid into the ditch.
I have this overwhelming loss of ambition
We said let's name thirty good reasons why we shouldn't be together.
I started by saying things like "you smoke" "you live in New Jersey"
You started saying things like "you belong to the world"
All of which could have been easily refuted but the conversation was
hypothetical
I am totally short of breath for you why can't you shut your stuff off.

I'm in the front row,
The front row with popcorn
I get to see you see you close up.

And I laughed until my lungs hurt I love how you bust my chops you don't
always feel seen sometimes you feel erasable unfortunately I cannot
reciprocate in my current state I think we should be careful of how much time
we spend together.

For a while I'm speaking
You know how much you hate to be interrupted
Maybe spend some time alone fill up your proverbial cup
So that it doesn't always have to be about you
I've been wanting your undivided attention
I like the fact that you're nothing like me
Are you not burdoned by the lack of perspective people
Have of your charmed life (seemingly)?

I'm in the front row
The front row with popcorn
I get to see you see you close up.

You never meant to be ungrateful nor held up to be whipped or wept for
certainly not analyzed prodded at more ways than one apparently you've been
misrepresented dealing with the concept of arrows being slung towards your
outrageous fortune.

Hey I'm not mad at you guardian
I'm mad at myself for spending so much time with you and your jeckyl and
hydeness
I'm glad I figuratively slapped you on the wrist
You laughed a wicked laugh and said 'come here let me clip your wings'
(I know he's blood but you can still turn him away you don't owe him anything)

"Raise the roof" he yelled "yeah raise the roof" I yelled back.
(unfortunately you need a health scare to reprioritize)
No thanks to the soap box.
Having me rile against them won't make an ounce of difference.

I'm in the front row the front row with popcorn. I get to see you see you
close up.

Oh the things I've done for you many a sitch a friend a man's been left for
you oh the books I've read for you the tongues I've bitten for you many a new
city for you many a risk taken for you (not a single regret)

Hands Clean

If it weren't for your maturity none of this would have happened
If you weren't so wise beyond your years I would've been able to control myself
If it weren't for my attention you wouldn't have been successful and
If it weren't for me you would never have amounted to very much

Ooh this could be messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this

You're essentially an employee and I like you having to depend on me
You're kind of my protege and one day you'll say you learned all you know from
me
I know you depend on me like a young thing would to a guardian
I know you sexualize me like a young thing would and I think I like it

Ooh this could get messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
I've more than honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this

what part of our history's reinvented and under rug swept?
what part of your memory is selective and tends to forget?
what with this distance it seems so obvious?

Just make sure you don't tell on me especially to members of your family
We best keep this to ourselves and not tell any members of our inner posse
I wish I could tell the world cuz you're such a pretty thing when you're done
up properly
I might want to marry you one day if you watch that weight and keep your firm
body

Ooh this could be messy and
Ooh I don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime
 

Head Over Feet

I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it

You treat me like I'm a princess
I'm not used to liking that
You ask how my day was

You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You're so much braver than I gave you credit for
That's not lip service

You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

You're the best listener that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long

I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now

You've already won me over in spite of me
Don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

Heart of the house

You are the original template.
You are the original exemplary.
How seen were you, actually?
How revered were you (honestly) at the time?

Why pleased with your low maintenance?
Where was your ally, your partner in feminine crime?

Oh, mother, who's your buddy?
Oh, mother, who's got your back?
The heart of the house,
The heart of the house.
All hail the goddess.

You were 'good 'ol'
You were "count on'er til four am"
You saw me run from the house
In the snow melodramatically.

Oh, mother, who's your sister?
Oh, mother, who's your friend?
The heart of the house.
The heart of the house.
All hail the goddess.

We left the men and we went for a walk in the gatineaus
And talked like women,
Like women to women would.
Womyn to womyn would "Where did you get that from?
Must've been your father, your dad."

I got it from you, I got it from you.

Do you see yourself in my gypsy garage sale ways?
In my fits of laughter?
In my tinkerbell tendencies?
In my lack of color coordination?

I was hoping

As we were talking outside,
It was cold,
We were shivering, yet warmed by the subject matter.

My wife is in the next room,
We've been having troubles you know,
Please don't tell her or anyone,
But I need to talk to somebody.

You said, "Wouldn't it be a shame if I knew how great I was
Five minutes before I died? I'd be filled with such regret
Before I took my last breath."
And I said, "You're willing to tell me this now, and you're not going to die anytime soon."
And I said I haven't been eating chicken,
Or meat,
Or anything.

And you said yes, but you've been wearing leather and laughed and said
We're at the top of the food chain.
And yes you're still a fine woman,
And I cringed.

I was hoping,
I was hoping we could heal each other.
I was hoping,
I was hoping we could be raw together.

We left the restaurant where the head waiter (in his 60's), said "Good bye, sir. Thank you for your business sir. You're successful and established, sir, and we like the frequency with which you dine here sir. And your money."
And when I walked by, they said "Thank you too dear."
I was all pigtails and cords.
And there was a day when I would've said something like,
"Hey dude, I could buy and sell this place, so kiss it."
I too once thought I was owed something.

I was hoping,
I was hoping we could challenge each other.
I was hoping,
I was hoping we could crack each other up.

I too thought that when proved wrong, I lost somehow.
I too thought life was cruel.
It's a cycle, really.
You think I'm withdrawing and guilt tripping you.
I think you're insensitive and I don't feel heard.

And I said "Do you believe we are fundamentally judgmental?
Fundamentally evil?"
And you said Yes.
And I said do you believe in revenge, in right or wrong, good or bad?
And you said "Well, what about the man that I saw handcuffed in the emergency room,
Bleeding after beating his kid, and she threw a shoe at his head.
I think what he did was wrong, and I wouldn't have had a hard time feeling compassion for him."
I had to watch my tone for fear of having you feel judged.

I was hoping,
I was hoping we could dance together.
I was hoping,
I was hoping we could be creamy together.

Ironic

An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day
It's a black fly in your Chardonnay
It's a death row pardon two minutes too late
Isn't it ironic... don't you think

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids good-bye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought
"Well, isn't this nice."
And isn't it ironic ... don't you think?

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everthing blows up
In your face

A traffic jam when you're already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic... don't you think
A little too ironic.. and yeah I really do think...

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
And life has a funny way of helping you out
Helping you out

Joining You

Dear Darlin,
Your mom, my friend
Left a message on my machine
She was frantic
Saying you were talking crazy.

That you wanted to do away with yourself.
Guess she thought I would be the perfect resort
Because we've had this inexplicable connection since our youth

And yes, they're in shock
They are panicked
You and your chronic
Them and their drama
You this embarassment
Us in the middle of this delusion.

If we were our bodies,
If we were our futures,
If we were our defenses,
I'd be joining you.

If we were our culture,
If we were our leaders,
If we were our denials,
I'd be joining you.

I remember vividly a day years ago,
We were camping.
You knew more than you thought you should know.
You said "I don't want ever to be brainwashed"
And you were mindboggling, you were intense.
You were uncomfortable in your own skin.
You were thirsty,
But mostly you were beautiful.

If we were our nametags,
If we were our rejections,
If we were our outcomes,
I'd be joining you.

If we were our indignities,
If we were our successes,
If we were our emotions,
I'd be joining you.

You and I, we're like four year olds.
We want to know why, and how come about everything.
We want to reveal ourselves at will, and speak our minds.
And never talk small talk and be intuitive,
And question mightily, and find God my tortured beacon.

We need to find like-minded companions.

If we were their condemnations,
If we were their projections,
If we were our paranoias, I'd be joining you.

If we were our incomes,
If we were our obsessions,
If we were our afflictions, I'd be joining you.

We need a reflection,
We need a really good memory.
Feel free to call me a little more often.

King (Queen) of pain

There's a little black spot on the sun today
That's my soul up there
It's the same old thing as yesterday
That's my soul up there
There's a black hat caught in a high tree top
That's my soul up there
There's a flag pole rag and the wind won't stop
That's my soul up there

I have stood here before in the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

There's a fossil that's trapped in a high cliff wall
There's a dead salmon frozen in a waterfall
There's a blue whale beached by a springtide's ebb
There's a butterfly trapped in a spider's web

There's a king on a throne with his eyes torn out
There's a blind man looking for a shadow of doubt
There's a rich man sleeping on a golden bed
There's a skeleton choking on a crust of bread

There's a red fox torn by a huntsman's pack
There's a black winged gull with a broken back
There's a little black spot on the sun today
It's the same old thing as yesterday

I have stood here before in the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I always thought you could end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain......

I'll always be king of pain..............

Narcissus

Dear momma's boy I know you've had your butt licked by your mother
I know you've enjoyed all that attention from her
And every woman graced with your presence after
Dear narcissus boy I know you've never really apologized for anything
I know you've never really taken responsibility
I know you've never really listened to a woman

Dear me-show boy I know you're not really into conflict resolution
Or seeing both sides of every equation
Or having an uninterrupted conversation

And any talk of healthiness
And any talk of connectedness
And any talk of resolving this
Leaves you running for the door

(why why do I try to love you
Try to love you when you really don't want me To)

Dear egotist boy you've never really had to suffer any consequence
You've never stayed with anyone longer than ten minutes
You'd never understand anyone showing resistance
Dear popular boy I know you're used to getting everything so easily
A stranger to the concept of reciprocity
People honor boys like you in this society

And any talk of selflessness
And any talk of working at this
And any talk of being of service
Leaves you running for the door

(why why do I try to help you try to help you
When you really don't want me to)

You go back to the women who will dance the dance
You go back to your friends who will lick your ass
You go back to ignoring all the rest of us
You go back to the center of your universe

Dear self centered boy I don't know why I still feel affected by you
I've never lasted very long with someone like you
I never did although I have to admit I wanted to
Dear magnetic boy you've never been with anyone who doesn't take your shit
You've never been with anyone who's dared to call you on it
I wonder how you'd be if someone were to call you on it

And any talk of willingness
And any talk of both feet in
And any talk of commitment
Leaves you running for the door

(why why do I try to change you try to
Try to change you when you really don't
Want me to)

You go back to the women who will dance the dance
You go back to your friends who will lick your ass
You go back to being so oblivious
You go back to the center of the universe
 

No preasure over cappuccino

And you're like a 90's jesus
And you revel in your psychosis
How dare you
And you sample concepts like hors d'euvres
And you eat their questions for dessert
Is it just me or is it hot in here

And you're like a 90's kennedy
And you're really a million years old
You can't fool me
They'll throw opinions like rocks in riots
And they'll stumble around like hypocrites
Is it just me or is it dark in here?

Well you may never be or have a husband you may never have or hold a child
You will learn to lose everything we are temporary arrangements

And you're like a 90's noah
And they laughed at you as you packed all of your things
And they wonder why you're frustrated
And they wonder why you're so angry
And is it just me or are you fed up?

And may god bless you in your travels in your conquests and queries

One

I am the biggest hypocrite
I've been undeniably jealous
I have been loud and pretentious
I have been utterly threatened
I've gotten candy for my self-interest
the sexy treadmill capitalist
heaven forbid I be criticized
heaven forbid I be ignored

I have abused my power forgive me
you mean we actually are all one
one one one one one one one
I've been out of reach and separatist
heaven forbid average (whatever average means)
I have compensated for my days
of powerlessness

I have abused my so-called power forgive me
you mean we actually are all one
one one one one one one one

did you just call her amazing?
surely we both can't be amazing!
and give up my hard earned status
as fabulous freak of nature?

I have abused my power forgive me
you mean we actually are all one
one one one one one one one
always looked good on paper
sounded good in theory

Precious Illusions

you'll rescue me right? in the exact same way they never did
I'll be happy right? when your healing powers kick in

you'll complete me right? then my life can finally begin
I'll be worthy right? only when you realize the gem I am?

but this won't work now the way it once did
and I won't keep it up even though I would love to
once I know who I'm not then I'll know who I am
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim

these precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was defenseless
and parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

this ring will help me yet as will you knight in shining armor
this pill will help me yet as will these boys gone through like water

but this won't work as well as the way it once did
cuz I want to decide between survival and bliss
and though I know who I'm not I still don't know who I am
but I know I won't keep on playing the victim

these precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was a kid
and parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend

I've spent so long firmly looking outside me
I've spent so much time living in survival mode

 

Princes Familiar

please be philosophical
please be tapped into your femininity
please be able to take the wheel from me
please be crazy and curious

papa love your princess so that she will find loving princes familiar
papa cry for your princess so that she will find gentle princes familiar

please be a sexaholic
please be unpredictably miserable
please be self absorbed much (not the good kind)
please be addicted to some substance

papa listen to your princess so that she will find attentive princes familiar
papa hear your princess so that she will find curious princes familiar

please be the jerk of my knee i've fit you always
you finish my sentences I think I love you
what is your name again no matter i'm guessing your thoughts again correctly and I love the way
you press my buttons so much sometimes I could strangle you

papa laugh with your princess so that she will find funny princes familiar
papa respect your princess so that she will find respectful princes familiar

please be strangely enigmatic
please be just like my

So Pure

you from new york you are so relevant
you reduce me to cosmic tears
luminous more so than most anyone
unapologetically alive knot in my stomach
and lump in my throat
I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance
so pure such an expression
supposed former infatuation junkie
I sink three pointers and you wax poetically
I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance
so pure such an expression
let's grease the wheel over tea
let's discuss things in confidence
let's be outspoken let's be ridiculous
let's solve the world's problems
I love you when you dance when you freestyle in trance
so pure such an expression

So Unsexy

Oh these little rejections how they add up quickly
One small sideways look and I feel so ungood and
Somewhere along the way I think I gave you the power to make
Me feel the way I thought only my father could

Oh these little rejections how they seem so real to me
One forgotten birthday I'm all but cooked and
How these little abandonments seem to sting so easily
I'm 13 again am I 13 for good?

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved and for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind

Oh these little protections how they fail to serve me
One forgotten phone call and I'm deflated and
Oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me
Your hand pulling away and I'm devastated

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved and for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind

When will you stop leaving baby?
When will I stop deserting you baby?
When will I start staying with myself?

Oh these little projections how they keep springing from me
I jump my ship as I take it personally and
How these little rejections how they disappear quickly
The moment I decide not to abandon me

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved and for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind
So unsexy

Surrendering

you were full and fully capable
you were self sufficient and needless
your house was fully decorated in that sense

you were taken with me to a point
a case of careful what you wish for
but what you knew was enough to begin

and so you called and courted fiercely
so you reached out, entirely fearless
and yet you knew of reservation and how it serves

and I salute you for your courage
and I applaud your perseverance
and I embrace you for your faith in the face of adversarial forces
that I represent

so you were in but not entirely
you were up for this but not totally
you knew how arms length-ing can maintain doubt

and so you fell and you're intact
so you dove in and you're still breathing
so you jumped and you're still flying if not shocked

and I support you in your trusting
and I commend you for your wisdom
and I'm amazed by your surrender in the face of threatening forces
that I represent

you found creative ways to distance
you hid away from much through humor
your choice of armor was your intellect

and so you felt and you're still here
and so you died and you're still standing
and so you softened and you're still safely in command

self protection was in times of true danger
your best defense to mistrust and be wary
surrendering a feat of unequalled measure
and I'm thrilled to let you in
overjoyed to be let in in kind


 

Sympathetic Character

I was afraid you'd hit me if i'd spoken up I was
afraid of your physical strength I was afraid
you'd hit below the belt I was afraid of your
sucker punch I was afraid of you reducing me
I was afraid of your alocohol breath I was afraid
of your complete disregard for me I was afraid
of your temper I was afraid of handles being
flown off of I was afraid of holes being punched
into walls I was afraid of your testosterone

I have as much rage as you have
I have as much pain as you do
I've lived as much hell as you have
and i've kept mine bubbling under for you

you were my best friend
you were my lover
you were my mentor
you were my brother
you were my partner
you were my teacher
you were my very own sympathetic character

I was afraid of verbal daggers I was afraid of the
calm before the storm I was afriad for my own
bones I was afraid of your seduction I was afraid
of your coersion I was afraid of your rejection
I was afraid of your intimidation I was afraid of
your punishment I was afraid of your icy silences
I was afraid of your volume I was afraid of your
manipulation I was afraid of your explosions

I have as much rage as you have
I have as much pain as you do
I've lived as much hell as you have
and i've kept mine bubbling under for you

chorus * chorus
you were my keeper
you were my anchor
you were my family
you were my saviour
and therein lay the issue
and therein lay the problem

Thank U

How about getting off of these antibiotics
How about stopping eating when I'm filled up
How about them transparent dangling carrots
How about that ever elusive kudo
Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How about me not blaming you for everything
How about me enjoying the moment for once
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you
How about grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down

How about no longer being masochistic
How about remembering your divinity
How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How about not equating death with stopping

Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence

yeah yeah
ahh ohhh
ahhh ho oh
ahhh ho ohhhhhh
yeaahhhh yeahh

That I would be good

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you

That Particular Time

my foundation was rocked my tried and true way to deal was to vanish
my departures were old I stood in the room shaking in my boots
at that particular time love had challenged me to stay
at that particular moment I knew not run away again
that particular month I was ready to investigate with you
at that particular time

we thought a break would be good for four months we sat and vacillated
we thought a small time apart would clear up the doubts that were abounding
at that particular time love encouraged me to wait
at that particular moment it helped me to be patient
that particular month we needed time to marinate in what "us" meant

I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself
and yet I wanted to save us high water or hell
and I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt
and in the meantime I lost myself
in the meantime I lost myself
I'm sorry I lost myself….i am

you knew you needed more time time spent alone with no distraction
you felt you needed to fly solo and high to define what you wanted
at that particular love encouraged me to leave
at that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me
that particular month was harder than you'd believe but I still left
at that particular time
 

The couch

you hadn't seen your father in such a long time
he died in the arms of his lover how dare he
your mother never left the house
she never married anyone else you took it upon yourself to console her

you reminded her so much of your father
so you were banished and you wonder wh you're so hypersensitive
and why you can't trust anyone but us
but then how can I begin to forgive her so many years under bridges with dirty water
she was foolish and selfish and cowardly if you ask me

I don't know where to begin in all of my 50 odd years
I have been silently suffering and adapting perpetuating and enduring
who are you younger generation to tell me that I have unresolved problems
not many examples of fruits of this type of excruciating labour

how can you just throw words around like grieve and heal and mourn
I feel fine we may not have been born as awake as you were
it was much harder in those days we had paper routes uphill both ways
we went from school to a job to a wife to instant parenthood

I walked into his office I felt so self-conscious on the couch
he was sitting down across from me he was writing down his hypothesis I don't know
i've got a loving supportive wife who doesn't know how involved she should get
you say his interjecting was him just calling me on my shit?

just the other day my sweet daughter I was driving past 203 I walked up the stairs in my mind's eye
I remember how they would creak loudly
she was only responsive with a drink he was only responsive by photo
I was only trying to be the best big brother I could

i've walked sometimes confused sometimes ready to crack open wide
sometimes indignant sometimes raw
can you imagine I pay him 75 dollars an hour sometimes
it feels like highway robbery
and sometimes it's peanuts
I wish it could last a couple more hours

so here we both are battling similar demons (not coincidentally)
you see n getting beyond knowing it solely intellectually you're not relinquishing your majestry
you are wise you are warm you are courageous you are big
and I love you more now than I ever have in my whole life

Uninvited

Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot-blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave
But you, you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
 
Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat hard telling
To watch them burn me shepherd
But you you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
 
Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced love like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight
 
I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate.

Unsent

dear matthew
I like you a lot I realize you're in a relationship with someone right now and I respect
that I would like you to know that if you're ever single in the future and you want to come visit me in california
I would be open to spending time with you and finding out how old you were when you wrote your first song
dear jonathan
I liked you too much I used to be attracted to boys who would lie to me and think solely about themselves and
you were plenty self-destructive for my taste at the time I used to say the more tragis the better the truth is
whenever I think of the early 90's your face comes up with a vengeance like it was yesterday
dear terrance
I love you mucly you've been nothing but open hearted and emotionally available and supportive
and nurturing and consummately there for me I kept drawing you in and pushing you away I remember
how beautiful it was to fall asleep on your couch and cry in front of you for the first time you were the best platform from
which to jump beyond myself what was wrong with me
dear marcus
you rocked my world you had a charismatic way about you with the women and you got me
seriously thinking about spirituality and you wouldn't let me get away with kicking my own ass but I could never really feel
relaxed and looked out for around you though and that stopped us from going any further than we did
and it's kinda too bad becasue we could've had much more fun
dear lou
we learned so much I realize we won't be able to talk for some time and I understand that as I do you
the long distance thing was the hardest and we did as well as we could we were together during a very tumultuous time
in our lives I will always have your back and be curious about you about your career about your whereabouts

UR

burn the books they've got too many names and psychoses
all this incriminating evidence would surely haunt me
if someone broke into my house
suits in the living room
do you realize guys I was born in 1974
we've got someone here to explain your publishing
we know how much you love to be in front of audiences
hopeful you are
schoolbound you are
naive you are
driven you are
take a trip to new york with your guardian
and your fake identification
when they said "is there something anything
you'd like to know young lady?"
you said "yes I'd like to know what kind of people
i'll be dealing with"
precocious you are
headstrong you are
terrified you are
ahead of your time you are
don't mind our staring but
we're surprised you'not in a far-gone asylum
we're surprised you didn't crack up
lord knows that we would've
we would've liked to have been there
but you keep pushing us away
resilient you are
big time you are
ruthless you are
precious you are

Utopia

we'd gather around all in a room fasten our belts engage in dialogue
we'd all slow down rest without guilt not lie without fear disagree sans
jugement

we would stay and respond and expand and include and allow and forgive and
enjoy and evolve and discern and inquire and accept and admit and divulge and
open and reach out and speak up

This is utopia this is my utopia
This is my ideal my end in sight
Utopia this is my utopia
This is my nirvana
My ultimate

we'd open our arms we'd all jump in we'd all coast down into safety nets

we would share and listen and support and welcome be propelled by passion not
invest in outcomes we would breathe and be charmed and amused by difference
be gentle and make room for every emotion

we'd provide forums we'd all speak out we'd all be heard we'd all feel seen

we'd rise post-obstacle more defined more grateful we would heal be humbled
and be unstoppable we'd hold close and let go and know when to do which we'd
release and disarm and stand up and feel safe

this is utopia this is my utopia
this is my ideal my end in sight
utopia this is my utopia
this is my nirvana
my ultimate
 

Would not come

if I make a lot of tinsel then people will want to
if I am hardened no fear of further abandonement
if I am famous then maybe i'll feel good in this skin
if I am cultured my words will somehow garner respect
i would throw a party still it would not come
i would bike run swim and still it would not come
i'd go travelling and still it would not come
I would starve myself and still it would not come
if I'm masculine I will be taken more seriously
if I take a break it would make me irrisponsible
if i'm elusive I will surely be sought after often
if I need assistance then I must be incapable
i'd be filthy rich and still
it would not come
I would seduce them and still
it would not come
I would drink vodka and still
it would not come
i'd have an orgasm still
it wouldn't come
if I accumulate knowledge
i'll be inpenetrable
if I am aloof no one will know
when they strike a nerve
if I keep my mouth shut the boat
will not have to be rocked
if I am vulnerable I will be
trambled upon
i would go shopping and still
it would not come
i'd leave the country and still
it would not come
i would scream and rebel still
it would not come
i would stuff my face and still
it would not come
i'd be productive and still it would not come
i'd be celebrated still it would not come
i'd be the hero and still it would not come
i'd renunciate and still it would not come

You Owe Me Nothing In Return

I'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it.
I will give you encouragment to choose the path you want if you need it.
You can speak of anger and doubts, your fears and freak-outs and I'll hold it.
You can share your so-called "shamefilled" accounts of times in your life and I
won't judge it.
And there are no strings attached to it.

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give.
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have.
I give you thanks for receiving, it's my privilege,
and you owe me nothing in return.

You can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and I'll grant it.
You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you'll have it.
You can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and I'll support it.
You can ask for anything you want, anything at all and I'll understand it.
And there are no strings attached to it.

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give.
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have.
I give you thanks for receiving, it's my privilege,
and you owe me nothing in return.

I bet you're wondering when the next payback shoe will eventually drop.
I bet you're wondering when my condition or police will force you to cough up.
I bet you're wondering how far you have now danced your way back into debt.
This is the only kind of love, as I understand it, that there really is.

You can express your deepest of truths, even if it means I'll lose you and I'll
hear it.
You can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss, I'll empathize with.
You can say that you'll have to skip town to chase your passion and I'll hear
it.
You can even hit rock bottom, have a mid-life crisis and I'll hold it.
And there are no strings attached to it.

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give.
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have.
I give you thanks for receiving, it's my privilege,
and you owe me nothing in return.

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give.
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have.
I give you thanks for receiving, it's my privilege,
and you owe me nothing in return.
 

Your congratulations

I wouldn't have compromised so much
so much of myself for fear of
having you hating me
I would've sung so loudly
it would've cracked myself!
I became self-conscious
of anything exuberant
I wouldn't have sold myself short
I wouldn't have kept my eyes
glued to the ground
if I had've known my invisibility
would not make a difference
I would've run around screaming proudly
at the top of my voice
I wouldn't have said it was in fact luck
i'm talking
idealism here
I would not have been so self deprecating
I wouldn't have cowered
for fear of having my eyes scratched out!
I wouldn't have cut my comfort off
I wouldn't have feigned needlessness
I would not have discredited
every one of their compliments
it was your approval I wanted
your congratulations

You Learn

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more than you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn

You oughta know

I want you to know that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theater?
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother
Cause the love that you gave that we made
Wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, 'til you died
But you're still alive
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know
You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her
Cause the love that you gave that we made
Wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me Until you died, 'til you died But you're still alive
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me You, you, you oughta know
Cause the joke that you laid in the bed that was me
And I'm not going to fade as soon as you close your eyes, and you know it
And everytime I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it ... well can you feel it?
And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know