Somehow, I feel that I am I’m completely alone in this whole universe wishing and hoping that there is someone out there who could understand me. Once upon a time, I use to wish and dream that I have a home with lovely family …. got to be kissed by my mommy and daddy like other kids do. Or it would be nice to have parents or brother or a sister who would give me a call while I am far away from home. Or I wish I could get to eat mommy’s food at least once in my life. I wonder how I would taste like. Because all I heard from my friends is that there is no such thing is as tasty as mommy’s cook. What I always wish to hear is the word I LOVE YOU from my parent’s mouth. Anyway, is too far away beyond the reality. I could spend my entire life dreaming and hoping on I still it will never come to existence. Does this mean that I am an unlucky person? I guess not!!! I don’t exactly believe in fate or destiny. What amazed me the most is that I always fight against the destiny, I race with my destiny. Because believe that I am not born to live a life which is already set or planed. What I believe is that life is a great adventure, I am a mysterious being and I am born to be it. My mission is to look for myself, search for myself, where I am belong to what life could teach me to live, most of all searching for that one person who has experienced life as I do. Someone whom I always dream of, someone knows what loneliness is like, someone who experiences the emptiness inside as I do, someone who is alone all by himself as I do. Someone who is a free spirit as I am.
This is my last year in college. A last semester of school, having a summer off from school, lay everything behind , forget all the bull shit and put everything aside. Let’s get a holiday started!!! So I guess Phuket is where I could put my ass a rest for sometimes. Who knows what it could bring. But I like it a lot already. I feel like I have found a place where I could put my soul at rest for a while because right now it’s too warn out to continue the journey of my life.
Amazing!!!!!! It’s perfect, it’s beautiful, it’s awesome, with just a second, and my life has changed. It’s like a dying plant warn out in the heat of the sun showered with a cool lovely rain. It starts to grow its new leaves again, new buds, blossom, the flowers start blooming again. I’ve met someone who could make me feel completely happy!!! I still don’t believe myself that I am really awake or dreaming. Am I meeting the guy who I am dreaming of? Hummm a big question here!!!!!!!! With him, I feel beautiful, with him I feel special, with him I am who I am. He is sweet, lovely, down to earth, the simplest guy I ever met in my life. You can’t believe it, how sweet he is! He would drive from his place just to see me even though it’s damn far for him. He drove in the rain and asked me out for a cup of coffee, he took me to the beach, he would still come to see me even though he is very damn tired. He knows how to make me happy; he makes me feel that he is the guy whom I always wanna be with when he kissed me. When he holds me in his arm, I forget about all the horrible things in my life. Everything is just damn perfect when he is around. And that scared me to death that I might lost him or I might not be able to be wit him again. I have told myself many times not to fall in love again. Even though now I am trying to tell myself that but it’s a lie! I am telling myself a lie! You can’t believe it, getting up early in the morning, he has to drop me at my place, yet with his eyes close, he was walking to the kitchen prepared me my breakfast!!!!
Now, here are the questions!!!!! It’s not difficult to have this kind of moment in our lives, but the most difficult thing is that people doesn’t want to have it or experience it because they are too busy with their damn life, money and jealousy have kept us too busy to have just a moment of happiness. We all have dreams and goals to accomplish in life, some wanna become a business man, some wanna be an engineer, some wanna be a pilot, and like me aiming for a medical school. We spend most of our lives worry about getting them, sometimes ended up in frustration, disappointment when we fail to get them. Some end up in wanting another one because the one they get isn’t god enough or make them happy enough.
Sometime we fail to pursue our dreams, goals or desire, resulting in disappointment, frustration, anger, anxiety, sadness, putting us to sleep in a restless night, like a demon haunting. It’s just so easy to forget about friends or our love ones, being in the world of greed, the world of wanting more and more, we take those who are around us for granted, we neglect their value and the time that they give us.
it’s damn easy for me to say all of these stuff because I my self have been in the same kind of world, I am not pretty sure if I am out of it now. I guess I’ve strive too hard to get what I want, I’ve tried too hard to search for the meaning of life, to understand what am I? What I really wanna be? But only now, at this very right moment of my life that I just found the answer to myself. That what I have been searching for, what I have striven for most of my life is just right inside me, happiness is just right in me it’s just that I never realized it or take it for granted. I guess it wasn’t the time for me to discover it yet! May be God wants me to wait for the right moment to come and those will be revealed.
When the right time arrives, with the right person, at the right moment, and the right place, miracles happen! I have all the answers to everything!!!!!!
Talking about Mr. handsome or Mr. right or whatever I name him; blue eyes, blond hair, 1.90 m above, muscular, split chin, dimple cheeks, sexy body, with a magical smile, musical, and smart, has become to be an exception when I am with Kat! He is more than anything I could say or describe. He’s just himself!!!!!! and the most important thing of all he has helped me to become myself, he has helped me to recognize my true self, the one who has hidden inside me for ages. He has made me feel that I am the most beautiful women in the world, with him I feel special, an angel, a princess inside me has come to reality! With out saying word out, he says nothing at, but he amazingly has made me feel that way. The way that I always wanted to feel, he has placed me in the center of the universe.
Now, here is the matter, will the two of us are willing to hang on to this perfect moment, to the joy, laughter, fun, happiness and all the sweetest time that we are having together right now or are we going to let it pass away or are we going too grapes on to it will the end of time? This I guess no one can answer, no one can tell, even Kat, himself or I, myself don’t eve know what tomorrow can offer. All we know is the matter of today that we like each other a lot, we like to be together, and we enjoy each other’s company very much. We both have decided to live our lives for the day not tomorrow! This way we have no worry, we have no trouble thinking of what will happen tomorrow. I guess I let tomorrow worry for itself, one day at a time is the best! All I know is that it would break my heart very badly if tomorrow would steal my Kat away from me :-(
Clossing my eyes, imagine about all the fun we have had from the day before. Started our day by waking up in bed hugging and kissing each other. Kat walking with his eyes close opening the fridge , walking to the kitchen and started preparing the breakfast before taking me back from Bang Toa (his house) to my Chalong ( my house) because I gotta work later in the morning. There in the balcony we were having our breakfast and coffee, Kat started telling joke, singing, started entertaining me and usually would make me laugh my ass off most of the time. Everything was beautiful, the mountains covered by the morning dew, the sky, the clouds, the sunrise, the song birds, everything was quiet and calm because it was early morning, people still in bed sleeping, it seems like tat peaceful morning was reserved just for the two of us….. what a perfect beautiful morning!!!!!!! What a beautiful day we have started with! I felt like was the most lucky girl in the world. After the breakfast we washed dishes, then get on a bike for a ride to Chalong. There you can’t imagine how beautiful it was to have a ride with your special one along the beach in the early morning. Guess what I felt? I felt that he was showing me how beautiful the world is! My heart has sunk into the depth of love and care, and the tenderness Kat has given me. Right from the beginning I have met him, all I could feel and know is the language of love, care, understanding and acceptance. Till then we started to kiss each other goodbye and start our days longing the day to get over so that we could get to meet later in the evening. With Kat my days are always perfect, especially weekend time, we always start our days by sunrise, have some activities together, and end it by hand in hand walking along the beach enjoy the beautiful sunset that we have. Yet our days never end till the time we hug and kiss each other till the time we fall asleep. We seem to not want to fall asleep we enjoy being together too much. I’m afraid that I would miss him when I fall asleep. From the rising of the sun till the moment it set down, Kat and I always have a lovely time together…
Now Mr.handsome is no longer handsome because Kat took over everything. He is the most handsome man in the world. Now I realize that everything is beautiful and handsome when am in love. He is as brilliant as the sunrise, as beautiful as the sunset, as bright as the morning stars yet as sweet as the rainbow, who else could compare to his uniqueness beauty! Yet he is from the holy land, a strange land where I once long to see, the land of where my God was born. What else do I want? What else does he want? Why aren’t we holding on this perfect moment till the end of time? We are happy, what else should we want? Aren’t we all doing everything in life just because we wanna be happy? Or maybe happiness doesn’t last for long time; I was told that happiness doesn’t exist which I don’t believe because I think happiness does exist it’s just we don’t’ see it or we choose not to see it or have it.
After spending a long evening with my long time friends, Kat came to pick me up it was kinda late and he was extremely tired yet he made it there!!! I was amazed by him. Very single thing he does, always please me it makes me feel so good. Surprisingly, he has made a good impression to my mom and grandma (Suvi & Kristina), Suvi even said that he is good looking guy too…. Not that extremely good looking but pretty good looking!!!!!!!! Kristina told me that she really like him and she like talking to him. he wasn't well last night yet he come to pick me up all da way from Bang Tao.i feel so sorry for him, i wish i could make it go away, and make everything ok for him.....
What does it take to make a man happy? and what does it take to make me happy? I guess it is not an easy question to answer huh!!!!! because when i myself doesn't even know what does it take to make me happy either.One thing i know for sure is being with someone i love, yet life doesn't stop there. There's always something else.Being eduated, rich, powerful, famous or pretty... doens't make a person happy either! So what is it? what is that mysterious thing? I've seen rich people are not happy about their lives and what they have. I once was belong to a rich family, well know in the village, yet i never see my family experienced what happiness is really like. It's not, money, it's not the dreams that we all have, it's not the goals that every individual set to achieve in life, it's not the boyfriends or girlfriends nor fame... but what is it????????? Some people, got cought by religious belief...by believing that there is a God up there who could give them happiness. I was one of them... it's been exactly 10 years that i have become a Seventh Day Adventist thought that was the only answer to my life, i was completely into it...however, that was just a wake up dream at some point of my life.
I guess, no one on this earth ever feel happy.... :-) Maybe that is too much!!!!!! if you observe everybody around you, you will see each one fo them carry their smiling face, acting like they are very happy and satisfy with their lives. Actually, we all are the great pretender, we are faking ourselves.