"AZURE" by Ashleen Woods

PAGE LAST UPDATED ON 22/03/2002

PROLOGUE

As I stood quietly in front of a full-length mirror, I heard the bustling of my cousin Emerald and my grandmother. My new room was nice - not too big and not too small. But besides all that, I sighed and carefully touched my bruised left eye, then glanced down at my casted arm. I realised that I had to be crazy, that was the only explanation for it. Why else would I have let my father get away with beating us for so long? So now, here I was living in my grandmother's house with my cousin Emma. She really was nice, deep down. She just liked to give the impression that she's tough and mean. And maybe she wants people to think she's arrogant, too? I'm not sure, but even when she didn't like me all that much; I couldn't help but like her. And now we were both living with our grandmother... for different reasons, of course, but finally I was sure we'd get the safety and comfort we needed...

CHAPTER ONE

With the exception of my two younger brothers, Adam and Andrew, and my younger sister, Amanda, I don't think I ever had anybody who loved me. Not in my immediate family, I mean. My father often drank and he had a bad temper. Mixed together, those two things are lethal. My mother, who most young girls would think you could turn to for help, love and support, never gave me any really good advice, and though I did love her, I could tell that we were drifting farther and farther apart. It's really hard to explain. She was always withdrawn from the real world - as if her husband and her children were part of a dream and weren't really hers. She was backwards, on top of it - entirely too non-confrontational and relied on Daddy to do everything. And her biggest mistake of all was trusting him.
    Everyday I feel guilty for hating my father. He is in my blood, and I know without him I wouldn't be here. But it is so hard for me to live my life and love someone who refuses to help himself and others due to his own selfishness.
    Daddy's drinking problem started a couple of years ago. He'd always felt intimidated by my grandmother, and wanted to cut off all contact with her completely. I don't know the whole story, but I guess she made him feel as if he wasn't good enough for my mother. Ever since, he had tried to find some respectability in a well paying job. But the insurance company he worked for went bankrupt and he lost his job. That's when everyone noticed a change in him. The good man that he had tried so hard to be died, and all that was left was a bitter, middle-aged man with a job as a janitor at a local department store.
    That was the life that I had come to know. Despite several attempts to help us, my grandmother could do nothing. The more she offered her help, the more persistent Father became. Even though she had found another job, it wasn't enough money for us to live on. So Mother was forced to break free from her dream world to get a job and help with the income. She was never the same, either, after that. She let Daddy take over the family and the household completely.
    I couldn't help feeling a little lonely. I mean, sure, I had three siblings to do things with, but that wasn't enough. So, against my father's wishes, I would go to visit my grandmother. I loved to visit her - she was so much fun! I couldn't help but be pulled out of any depression I had slipped into before visiting Grandmother.
    And I loved to see Gareth, who worked for her, whenever I went. I can remember when he started taking care of her garden. I was so taken in by him! I feel silly now, but at the time, he was all I could think of. And the year he began working for her happened to be the year things started going downhill for my father. There was so much to remember about then... and so much to forget.

CHAPTER TWO

I was up early that hot summer day. Mom was down in the kitchen, getting ready for work. She still wasn't used to having to get up at seven instead of nine, but she was slowly adapting to her new schedule. I yawned before slipping out of bed and stretching my back. I could smell the bacon she was cooking all the way in my room upstairs. Almost dream-like, I left my room quietly (so as not to wake my sleeping sister) and wandered downstairs to help set the table. Mother acted as if she didn't notice me, and continued to turn the bacon.
    "Good morning, Mother," I said, trying to be cheery. "That sure does smell good. Do you need any help?" I let out a small giggle, trying to cheer her up. She glanced at me, then looked back at the skillet.
    "You can set the table if you want. Wake your brothers and sister when you've finished with that." I smiled and hopped up the stairs to the boys' room after setting things up.
    "Wake up, you two, it's time to rise and shine." They peeped out from beneath the covers of their twin-sized beds, then rolled over almost at the exact same time to ignore me. "Come on - up! Up! Up! Mom's making breakfast early this morning. If you don't hurry, Daddy and Amanda and I are going to eat it all before you come of there!"
    Adam, who was thirteen, pushed the covers down below his chin and looked over at me, challenging me. "I just dare you to do that," he said, smiling mischievously. I turned from their door, accepting the challenge, and ran to get Amanda from her bed.
    "Wake up! Hurry, we've got to beat the boys to breakfast!" I urged, pulling the covers from my six-year-old sister. She rubbed her eyes sleepily.
    "What...?" she asked, yawning before sitting up in bed.
    "Come on, you sleepy head! Let's go!" I almost picked her up out of bed, hoping she'd catch the excitement, and hurried her to the hall. We met our brothers halfway, and raced for the stairs. It was mainly a race between Adam and me because our two younger siblings were still stumbling from their sleep.
    "You can't win, sis, give it up!" Adam said, ducking underneath my arm on the staircase.
    "Yes I can!" I replied, grabbing his pyjama top and pulling him even with me before passing him by. We both jumped over the last few steps and slid onto the tiled kitchen floor, almost running into Dad.
    "How many times have I got to tell you two to quit running in the house? If you break anything, it'll be your necks." Adam and I stopped short and looked up at Dad. He had never been so strict before - what was his problem now?
    Amanda and Andrew entered the kitchen together, walking slowly and side by side. Andrew was eleven, so he and Amanda got along well because he was at an age where he was young enough to be a kid, but old enough to be disciplined to a degree. Adam and I were closer to each other, but he was at an age where boys liked to hang with other boys and get into trouble. Being the oldest, I had always wanted to be close friends with Mom, but she had just built a shell around her that nobody could penetrate - even Daddy could sense the change in her. I wondered if that had something to do with his sudden mood swings.
    Daddy sat at the head of our rectangular table. Mom sat across from him, and to Dad's right sat Adam, his left Andrew, and I sat next to Adam. Amanda was next to Andrew and across from me. We weren't a good church-going family, but we always said Grace before eating at the table, and every Christmas we'd go and see a play about the birth of Christ at our Littleton Christian Church.
    But this morning, Daddy didn't have us say Grace. He just started eating and everyone followed his lead. I looked at both he and Mother curiously, but said nothing. I then glanced at Adam, who looked up at me as if he knew what I was thinking. We both smiled, then he quickly sat up straight. "Hey, Dad, do you think you're going to be able to make it to my game Friday? You told me you had it off and you'd see if you could make it." Daddy looked down at his plate, moving his scrambled eggs to and fro before finally eating some of them.
    "No. I have to go to a job interview. Can't make it this time." He took a drink of orange juice.
    "Mom, do you think I could go to Grandmother's after I do my chores?" I asked, changing the subject. "You hired a babysitter for today, anyway," I persuaded, "and I haven't seen her in a while. Please?"
    "Azure, I don't care what you do." She took another bite of her sausage patty, then got up from the table. "It's almost seven forty, I've got to get to work." She looked around for her purse, then the car keys. "Good-bye," she said flatly before rushing through the front door. It was quiet for a few moments.
    "You're not going over there," Daddy said out of the blue. I looked up at him.
    "But Mom said she didn't-"
    "I don't care what she said, I said you're not going." He shook his head. "That woman doesn't do anything but gripe about me," he mumbled, implying Grandmother. I looked down.
    "She doesn't even mention you," I said in response, stabbing a piece of bacon.
    "Don't talk back," he replied. I sat sullenly, moving my food around on the plate.
    "I'm not hungry. May I be excused?" I asked, setting down my fork. Daddy nodded, and I cleared my plate and washed it at the sink.
    Adam looked up. "Me, too." Daddy gave him a strange look, but nodded all the same. It wasn't too long before Dad went outside to go and finish filling in applications, just in case he needed a different job. I stared out of the window until I could no longer see his car, then quickly grabbed my purse and headed for the back door.
    "Where are you going?" Adam asked before I could slip out.
    "To Grandmother's house I go..." I said, letting a small smile escape my lips. He shook his head.
    "You be careful. And try to be home before Dad, you know how he's been recently."
    "Yeah, I've noticed. He should have been named Oscar the Grouch." I giggled, then shut the door behind me. I couldn't wait to see my grandmother!
    Happily, I ran through town, dodging kids on skateboards and women with groceries. I turned a corner then sprinted the rest of the way, barely catching my breath before reaching her sidewalk.
    In front of Grandmother's blue trimmed, white Victorian house, I saw a curious boy about my age, maybe older, cursing and clipping the front hedges. I quietly walked up behind him, his auburn hair soaked with sweat, and his blue jeans covered with dirt. I smiled, realising he still hadn't notice me behind him.
    "What are you doing?" I asked, pretending to be stern, and trying my best to suppress a smile. I was used to Harold, the old gardener, clipping bushes. But now it seemed someone else was hired for the job. The boy nearly jumped a foot off the ground, all the while turning around to see what was behind him. He stumbled backward into the bushes, but didn't fall down. I giggled at the sight, knowing that he wasn't hurt. He just glared at me.
    "You scared me half to death!" he said, looking at me with irritation. He quickly caught himself and brushed some dust from his pants. "Sorry, I wasn't prepared for a surprise attack is all." He let a small smile escape, and I laughed once more.
    "Now, I'm sorry. It's just, ah, I thought old Harold trimmed things around here. Where is he today?"
    "Didn't you hear? He pulled a muscle in his back. Said he was getting too old for gardening and retired. My mom's a friend of the lady who lives here, so she said I could use a summer job. That's why I'm here, so who are you?" His eyes were so breathtaking. Black, like a sea of darkness that I could easily drown in - and would let myself if I could!
    "This is my grandmother's house. I'm Azure," I said, sticking out my hand for him to shake like one of my dad's old business associates would have done. He looked shocked at first, but shook it all the same, getting a little dirt on my hand. I brushed it off as if I didn't notice.
    "I'm Gareth," he replied. "Pleased to meet you." He stuck the clippers into his back pocket. "I think it's time for a break. I've been working all morning." He paused. "And your grandmother makes the best cookies I have ever tasted." He trailed off. I looked up expecting him to say something else; he looked like he had something on his mind. "I can't believe she is actually your grandma. She looks so young."
    I smiled at him. "She's not just young looking; she's young at heart, too. That's the key to youth. Staying young at heart." We entered through the front door, and I instantly slipped out of my shoes. "Grandma? Where are you?" I could smell snicker doodles baking in the oven, but Grandmother was nowhere in sight.
    My grandmother was rich - though she hid it on the outside. But inside, her house was lovely. And it was cosy, as well as being opulent. Not like a mansion - cold and empty. She had the right idea when it came to houses. Large, rich-looking houses were not places to raise children or grandchildren - it was a building, it was a house, but it would definitely not be a home.
    I raced about the house, trying to find her. Finally, I went to her bedroom. She was on the phone with my aunt, Kristine. I could only hear part of the conversation, though.
    "I told you not to spoil her, Kristine -" She paused. "Well, maybe if you show more discipline, she will grow out of this phase… Don't let him continue to ruin her! I told your father this would happen." I knocked on the door to let my presence be known. "Hold on a minute, child," she said into the receiver of the phone. "Who is it?" she asked. "Is that you, Gareth?" I opened the door slightly and peeked in.
    "No, it's me, Grandma." I smiled charmingly at her.
    She smiled back, then turned again to her conversation on the phone. "Kristine, I'll have to call you tomorrow. Your niece just stepped in… No, it's Azure. Now you think long and hard about what I said - and if you can't handle her, well, you know my house is always open… okay… good-bye." She hung up the phone, then turned to me. She looked worried, but brushed aside a strand of her blond hair and smiled all the same. "Azure, how have you been?" I stepped inside the room and beamed her a smile once again.
    "I am fine. I just wanted to visit. Daddy's been in an awful mood lately since… well, you know. Since he lost his job. He's really been upset and I know we're not going to have enough money for the bills. I wish there was something I could do to help, but he never takes suggestions, and Mother is so out of it, I just don't know what to do." I bit my lip, then quickly went on, bringing some good news. Grandmother stood up and we both left her room. "Adam's been doing better and better in his sports, Grandma. You know how much he loves baseball. And he's hit at least three home runs the last two games he had played. And Andrew looks up to him so much. I bet he'll be good at it, too. Someday, maybe if he starts playing."
    "That's wonderful," she said as we descended the staircase. "And what have you been up to?" I laughed shortly, then went on.
    "I haven't been doing anything. I went to a movie with David, you know him, don't you?" She nodded. "Well, we're just friends and all, so we went to the movie and we played cards when I got home. He didn't leave until five, since we saw the early show. I guess he didn't feel much like staying for dinner. And he and Daddy don't get along too well. I've drawn a bit, too. Not anything special, but just stuff that's been required in Art class."
    We reached the kitchen where Gareth was sitting at the table. The cookies still had about five minutes to go and the smell filled the air. "Gareth, how many times do I have to tell you to help yourself? You don't have to ask to get something to drink." She opened the refrigerator and took out a gallon of milk. "And please, stay for dinner. We'd like the company, and there's no sense in sending you home on an empty stomach. That'd be just plain rude." My eyes lit up. Yes! He was going to stay a while-surely. "I know you won't be done outside anyway for a while still, there's so much to be done."
    He relaxed a little, and stood up. "Here, let me help," he said, getting some glasses out of the cupboard for us. "I don't believe anyone can turn down an invitation like that." He smiled, then looked at me with his gorgeous eyes. If Grandma wasn't there, I would have swooned, but I planted my feet firmly and simply giggled.
    "No one can resist Grandma," I said, taking the glasses from him and setting them on the table. The timer suddenly rang, and Grandmother pulled the hot tray out of the oven. "Gareth, could you go ahead and pour the milk? These will need a minute or two to cool down a bit." She tapped the top of one. "Perfect, if I do say so myself."
    After we had a small snack of milk and cookies, Gareth went back outside to finish some of the trimming he had started earlier. Grandmother and I sat in the kitchen and played a game of five-draw poker (no bets included, and no money laid down) until it was time to start making supper. My lunch had been only the cookies and so I was starved!
    Grandma was a wonderful cook. She could make all kinds of dishes, so tonight she let me pick. It was about three-thirty, and I was really in the mood for some Asian cuisine, so we made a quick stop at the grocery store and bought some rice, rice noodles, bean sprouts and some shrimp. I knew I had plenty of time before Dad got home - he was working the late shift tonight, thankfully, and Mom didn't really care what any of her kids did anymore - so we cooked up some egg-foo-yung and pancit. Mm… the smell filled the house, and made me wish for the food to finish cooking!
    Over dinner, we all had things to talk about. Gareth talked about how thick the bushes had got and that already the new clippers needed to be sharpened. He also talked with Grandma about his father and the business. Grandma asked me what I thought was wrong with Mom, and I had to mention how excited Amanda was about her upcoming birthday. It was only a week away.
    By the time dinner ended, I dreaded going back home simply because I was having such a good time. I stood up and began to clear plates from the table. Gareth instantly got up and grabbed some as well. We washed the plates, glasses and silverware, saving the skillets for Grandma. Finally, when the last dish was washed and dried, I hugged Grandmother and reluctantly said my good-byes.
    "I'll try to visit again soon. It's hard to get out of the house. You know how Daddy's been lately." She nodded, seeming to understand. I said good-bye to Gareth, who was getting ready to leave himself.
    "Bye. It was nice meeting you," I said, smiling warmly. He returned the smile.
    "The pleasure is all mine." I almost blushed, but suppressed the urge as quickly as it had flooded over me, and quickly left. I walked home with a little extra bounce in my step. The end to a perfect day, I thought as I slipped inside the back door and headed for my room. But I didn't ever get to my room. Daddy must have got off work early, and was waiting for me in front of my bedroom door.

CHAPTER THREE

I was so shocked I stood there breathless and speechless for a few moments. I couldn't compose myself enough to say something to him - he wasn't supposed to be back, he wasn't supposed to know that I had disobeyed him; why did he get home so early? I didn't need to speak first because Dad had plenty to say. "Where have you been?"
    I could tell he already knew the answer, but I replied. "I was visiting Grandma. She needs the company, and I did all of my chores before leaving. Adam knew where I was, so it wasn't a big secret. And I haven't seen her in a long time. It's been a whole month almost, she could have gotten hurt and you, or even Mom for that matter, wouldn't have known until you got a call from a hospital or my aunts."
    "I don't care what excuse you have. I told you not to go, and that should be enough. Haven't I got enough to worry about without having to keep track of one of my daughters who cannot follow my orders?"
    "Daddy, what are you talking about? Orders? Is something wrong? You haven't been yourself; you can tell me or Mom if-"
    "There's nothing wrong, but there will be if you don't start doing what I tell you. I'm grounding you for a week. I want you to stay in the house or do chores outside."
    "That's not fair! I didn't do anything wrong! Mom had already said I could go; she has a say in parenting too!"
    "Your mother doesn't care about anything but herself anymore-"
    "That's not true!" I shouted, though deep down I knew seemed to be true. She didn't care, or so she acted that way. But I would defend her to the bitter end, and beyond. I loved her dearly, and I wanted to love Daddy, too. But he was being so difficult! I stormed past him and ran into my room, closing the door hard behind me. I never slammed it, though. I knew better than to break something when Dad was having a hard time finding a good job. Fixing it would cost money we didn't have. Money we needed badly.
    It really didn't occur to me just how losing his job had affected Dad. He was taking it much harder than he actually admitted, though he sure did show by his actions. And if I had known, then maybe I would have been more willing to do what he said, but he didn't tell anyone his feelings, and he didn't make it easy to understand him. He didn't try to get help. Foolish pride, if you ask me.
    I wish I had been more careful, but I have no regrets. I feel more comfortable living with Grandma so far. I just hope that Adam, Amanda and Andrew are doing okay with Mom. They choose to stay with Mom. They're younger than I am, so it's understandable. I suppose they still need some parental guidance, if Mom can offer them any. I haven't spoken much to her since what happened between Dad, Emma, Gareth and I. I should talk to her, try to see what's wrong. Maybe she'd tell me… maybe not. Who knows?

The summer days seemed to crawl by like years. I couldn't see my grandma often because of my father's temper. And at first I did obey him, thinking that he would get over his losses and start looking to the future, hopefully seeing sunny days. He didn't, though my siblings and I tried our darndest to help out. Mom wasn't a big help at all. In fact, she was more of a stumbling block. She progressed in her job quite well, and I'm happy she was so successful; after all, money is more important than family, now, isn't it? And it was perfectly fine of her to smile smugly at Dad and act all superior, like she had finally won some race between them that we children didn't know about. She probably helped make Dad what he is now, when sure she could have a job, and try to help him with his mental stress and feelings of failure.
    Oh, I just gave up. They were both too immature to handle or to deal with. It gets too tiring, having to be cheery and "oh, yes, that would be nice" and "don't feel bad, things'll look up." I mean, it was I, and it wasn't. It's what I would have liked to be. The eternal optimist, and so I played the part - and quite well if I say so myself - and fooled everyone around me. That is, except Gareth. And, of course, Grandma. She was always too clever to be fooled, and Gareth, he could just tell when something wasn't right. And I was masking something.
    I was.

It was no secret to Gareth that I wasn't happy. And he did his best to cheer me up. It was the summer before Emerald was sent to live with Grandma. That was when I realised that Gareth was becoming more and more like a big brother, rather than a crush. I stopped blushing so much about "touchy" subjects, and we often teased each other like siblings would. Like I would Adam or Andrew. Amanda and I had a different sort of relationship, and I never teased her, for her self-esteem was getting to fall so low that anything could break her fragile hold on herself. My brothers and I could tell that Daddy losing his job was taking a toll on her as well as the rest of us. But what could we do other than try to boost her esteem and give her encouragement?
    Well, Daddy was getting worse. And I wasn't going to take it. I left the house when he wasn't home and visited Grandma and Gareth, and told them all about how Daddy was now drinking. Or how he hit Adam yesterday, or how he didn't come home and we were still worried sick, even though he was still mean, and Mommy didn't care one bit because she was off in her own world. No one cooked supper, hardly. We all just microwaved TV dinners or I'd cook sometimes. Mom stopped doing anything all together, except working. And Dad refused to cook for women. He never talked that way before he lost his job. You never know just how to feel when things go all wrong. What happened to our perfect "Leave it to Beaver" household? Why had we fallen apart because of a stupid job?
    They say money isn't what's important in the world. They say it's the root of all evil. They say all money does is cause trouble. Well, sure, it is true, but I'll tell you one thing; it sure does make things a heck of a lot easier for the family, at least it did ours, at one time. Now it's all changed. And why? Because Daddy lost his job.

One day after school in the fall of that year, I came home to find Mom home early. She was on the phone with someone. I couldn't help but hear her, and so I went ahead and edged a little closer to the kitchen where she was pacing around with the cordless. "Well, what do you expect me to do about it? Ever since that lousy husband of mine lost his job, I've had nothing but work. Some job he did supporting and loving his family… Well, you wouldn't know, would you? You have all the money you'll ever need… oh he does? Spoil her, eh? Well, I agree with Mom. Just send her here for the summer, or longer, he can't spoil her then, now can he…? Fine, don't take my advice, but you just wait, Emerald's going to get into real trouble if you don't do something now. Probably smoke pot, or join a gang, or something ridiculous like that… Yes, well, you talk to Mom, see what she says. I say go for it and dump her off there… okay… yes… well, good-bye and take care."
    She hung up the phone. "Honestly, don't I have enough problems as it is? Do I have to take care of my sister as well? I just had to talk to Sapphire the other day because of my other sister!"
    I rolled my eyes. Talking to herself now? Of course. "Hey Mom," I said, entering the kitchen. "How was work today?"
    "Oh, don't ask! Luckily, they let me off early because Kristine is having a crisis."
    "What's Aunt Kristine up to now?" I asked. It was the most I had talked to Mom in a week.
    "Well, I shouldn't say it's her. It's more Emerald. She's been getting herself into trouble left and right, and Kristine doesn't know what to do with her."
    Yes, Grandma had mentioned it before, hadn't she? Oh well, I knew from somewhere. I had always thought my cousin Emerald was a bit snobby. I had only met her a few times, being as we lived so far apart from each other. Same for Sapphire, my other cousin.
    "Well, I've got work to do," she said, searching around for a pan to cook in. Goodness! She was actually cooking? Maybe she was snapping out of her semi-depression! Oh, I hoped so, then maybe we could change Dad, and then we'd be the family we had been - and happy!
    If only…

CHAPTER FOUR

School was finally out! Adam, Andrew, Amanda and I were jumping for joy. No homework! No pop quizzes! No tests! No stinky locker rooms! Free at last! I spent a lot of time at Grandma's, even though Dad still protested. He even hit me a couple times, but it didn't stop me. I was determined not to let him stop me from doing anything I wanted to do. I had my mind made up - and I was just as bull-headed as he was. After all, I was his daughter, wasn't I?
    Well, one day Grandma sat me down to talk. I wasn't sure what it was about at first, but she always gets right to the point. "Azure, I'm going to ask you to stay at home for a few weeks. You see; your cousin Emerald is coming to live with me, and I want to give her time to adjust. Not that you would hinder her adjustment, but I feel that she is going to be a bit difficult for a while. She's coming from a place where she has everything to a place of elegant modesty." I could see a glint of smile at her compliments to her own house. "She is spoiled, but I know she is a good person deep down. She'll just need some time. You understand?"
    I looked down at the floor. What was I going to do in that time? Dad was getting more and more violent. He was bringing his bad habit home now, and not just drinking in taverns after work. And when he drank he lost his temper easily, and it'd get all out of control from then on.
    Grandma spoke up again. "Why the long face, Azure? Is something wrong?"
    No, just pretend it's all fine, you're fine. Be the optimist you want to be, look at the bright side. "No, nothing's wrong. I'm just going to miss visiting you is all." I smiled charmingly at her. "Don't worry, I'll be fine. I might starve without your good food, but I'll manage." She smiled and we both got up to take a walk in the garden.
    It was all I could do to keep from moping about the house. It wasn't that I didn't like hanging out with my brothers and sisters, or trying to get permission to visit my friends. It was just that I was home a lot more when I wasn't at Grandma's, and when I was home, then there was always the chance that Dad would come home and find something to complain about. Then he'd get mad and find a reason to smack the person nearest to him. I prayed for those weeks to go back quickly, they had to go by quickly… please!

The weeks passed by slowly, but finally Grandma called me. She said that Emerald wasn't doing as well as she had hoped; in fact, she had kind of done what Mom had done when Dad first lost his job. She kept to herself and didn't do much of anything. "I think maybe it's time you come and see her. Your sunny personality may affect her the way it does me and everyone else. I think it's what she needs is to wake up and see the world around her. You know, realise that having a child isn't the end of the world."
    I almost gasped, but stopped myself. I knew she had gotten herself in all sorts of trouble, but pregnant? Wow! No one had told me… was it such a big secret?
    "Alright! I can't wait to come; I wanted to come just the other day…" I paused for a moment, rubbing the bruise that was on my arm from where Dad had grabbed me and forced me up the stairs and into my room. "…But I had to cook supper and I just couldn't make it. I wasn't sure if you needed me yet or not, either." I giggled a little, then continued. "You better have some cookies when I get there! I've been on a hunger strike ever since, and now I'm craving your cookies!" Grandma laughed and said she'd think about it. Had to see how things went and all… I left as soon as I got off the phone.
    It was a warm, sunny day. I smiled and gazed at the clear blue sky. Perfect. There couldn't have been a better day to go outside. I walked briskly, taking the back way and humming to myself. Some of the neighbourhood kids laughed at me and trailed behind, asking if I wanted to jump rope or if I had seen Amanda. "Yes, she's in the house watching TV; she'd enjoy your company, or maybe she'll come out and play with you." I laughed, and jumped over the rope the stretched before me, but I kept walking.
    "Thanks, Azure!" a little red-haired girl called, rushing toward my house with her friends. I could hear them chanting double-Dutch songs as they faded away in the distance behind me.
    After what seemed like an eternity, I came up to Grandma's back yard. I heard a loud splash and the voice of a girl scolding someone… Gareth, of course; who else would be getting yelled out by someone? He was always causing mischief! "Gareth! What on earth are you doing?" I asked, breaking out into a run, and jumping up to hug him. I hadn't seen him in a while - it felt like meeting your brother who was on break from college. Not that I knew what that felt like.
    "I'm not doing anything but waking up Sleeping Beauty here. Azure, this would happen to be your cousin Emerald. Emma, your cousin Azure." He moved an inch or two away so we could see each other clearer.
    "Hi Emma! How are you?" She was just coming out of the pool, clothes heavy with water. I smiled, though I wasn't sure if she'd be mad or not.
    "I'd be much better off if I hadn't been thrown in a pool," she replied, looking over at Gareth with resentment, but I could tell she wasn't really mad. In fact, I think she was happy he'd done it! I smiled wider.
    "Hold on, let me get you a towel." I ran into the house and grabbed a towel, then I quickly looked around for Grandma. "Grandma! I'm here!" I found her in the upstairs hall, straightening a crooked picture.
    "Hello, Azure. How are you?"
    "I'm just fine. Well, now that I'm finally invited back. I suppose I could forgive you…" I closed my eyes and stuck my nose in the air, then laughed. "How is Emerald? She seems to be fine. A bit mad, but I would be too if someone just threw me into a pool and-"
    "What?"
    "Oh, Gareth threw Emma into the pool. That's why I'm getting this towel. Gotta go! See you soon!"
    "Good-bye," she said, smiling as I quickly left the house and went out the back door once more. I hopped down the stairs and lightly threw the towel at Emerald. She smiled at me, but swiftly left.
    "Well, it was nice meeting you, Azure, I guess I'll talk to you later." She rushed past me and ran up the stairs.
    I looked after her. "She must want to change really bad. Hmm… it's not the cold out here, in fact it's rather nice. Want to take a walk?" I smiled, and gazed around the garden.
    "Sure." He paused for a moment, causing me to look up at him curiously. Without asking what was wrong, he answered. "I don't think she cares too much about changing." He then smiled smugly to himself. "No, it's something else."
    I had seen her blushing… yes. I knew. I giggled. "Oh Gareth, you're such a charmer! And to think she's a little princess." He laughed as well; I knew it wasn't like him to blush or get embarrassed about his feelings. And we were like brother and sister, so we did share some secrets. He knew all of mine; though I'm sure Grandma did, too, even if I didn't tell her about Dad.
    We walked for a while, giving each other updates of what was happening. I told him about Dad and why I had a bruise on my arm. It showed no matter how I tried to conceal it. And he told me about his parents and what he and Grandma had been doing, and all the boring things he had to do at his house. Boy, being rich must be as big of a pain as being poor, or lower middle class. But I'd welcome it any day, just to have my family back.
    Finally, we headed toward Grandma's. I had to tell a really bad joke that my friend Eva had told me. "Okay, Eva, you know that girl who's a natural blonde, well, she told me this blonde joke, and I want you to hear it. Three girls walk into a bar - one's a redhead, one's brunette and one's blonde. They all sit down at the bar together and start talking to the bartender. Well, the bartender tells them of a magic mirror in the bathroom. 'If you tell the mirror something true about yourself, then poof! You get a fortune. If you lie, then you get sucked into the mirror.'"
    "Go on…" Gareth said as the house drew nearer.
    "Well, the brunette gets up and walks into the bathroom and finds the mirror. She looks into it and says 'I think I'm the prettiest girl in this bar.' Poof! She felt her pockets fill up with money. She comes back and sits down. So the red-haired girl gets up next, looks into the mirror and says 'I think that I'm the smartest girl in this bar.' Poof! Her pockets fill as well. She comes back. The blonde gets up and looks into the mirror and says 'I think-' and she disappeared into the mirror." We entered the house, laughing aloud.
    Just out of earshot of Emma, Gareth whispered, "Don't tell her that joke." He smiled. I turned to Emma and smiled as she moved away from Grandma. Gareth and I sat down - I made it a point to sit next to Emma because I wanted to get to know the cousin I hadn't seen for such a long, long time. But it wasn't long before she got up and went outside. A few minutes later, Gareth left to go and find her.
    "Grandma, do you think Emma likes me?" I asked, my smile fading to a nervous line.
    "Of course. She just has to get used to things. She's hasn't seen you since you were both very young, it's going to take her a while to know how to react to your jokes, or to figure out whether or not you are serious about something or not."
    I looked up thoughtfully. "Yes, I should know that. Well, until then I'll do my best to make her feel comfortable when I come over." I smiled once more and we continued to talk about things that were important, and - for the most part - things that weren't important. Finally, I realised just how late it was getting. Emma still wasn't back yet - Gareth didn't mention what had happened, but I figured something was wrong.
    "Well you guys, I best be getting home. Daddy doesn't get home until real late, but it's better safe than sorry. And I feel safer walking in the daylight; I don't know about you." I gave a wink, then stood up to leave. "Tell Emma I said bye. See ya around!"
    "Bye," Gareth and Grandma said at almost the same time. I laughed at them, then left. All the way home I skipped and sang. People around me looked at me like I was crazy, but then they surely must have thought, "Hmm… this is California! What was I thinking?"
    "I don't care if it rains or freezes, 'long as I've got my plastic Jesus sitting on the dashboard, of my car… and something, something is never scary, 'long as I've got the Virgin Mary, something else, and a… I forgot the words," I said, smiling at Adam who was sitting on the porch with one of his friends, trading baseball cards. "Yo, Calab, how are you doing?"
    "Fine. Haven't seen you in a while, do you have a boyfriend? Ew!" Calab answered, distorting his face and sticking out his tongue. Adam laughed, and gagged along with him.
    "Ha, ha, very funny shrimp. No, I was in fact talking with Emma. You know, my rich cousin from New York? And Grandma and Gareth, of course. Anyhow, I've gotta watch my cartoon, it's almost on! Yes!" I jumped over their cards and rushed into the house. Ah… yes, I only watched one cartoon, but it was a monumental cartoon. It changed the world! It changed all cartoons! "Scooby Doo" was the be all of existence! I had to watch it! I plopped down in front of the TV next to Amanda, who had obviously gotten bored and come home.
    We stared blissfully at the screen, and were there until mom came home later that day, at about 5:30. "Is your father home yet?" she asked impatiently, setting a grocery bag on the table.
    "Nope, afraid not." I got up from the floor and walked over to her. "Are there more groceries in the car?"
    "Yes. Get them, please." That was all she said. Darn, she was back to her normal, self-residing depression. Now what? She'd pulled out of it, for a day or two, but those days had given me hope - given all four of us hope. Sure, we were making enough money now to survive, but something wasn't right. We weren't the same; our parents didn't seem to realise that what we all were, and what we are now shouldn't change how we feel about each other. Maybe adults are really just as confused as us kids… well, adolescents. Maybe they were just kids themselves, trying to find their way through a dark tunnel. Maybe I was just crazy.

CHAPTER FIVE

One night Daddy came home drunker than I had ever seen him. He forgot that Mom went to bed early now, so she could get up in the morning, and was stumbling around the house yelling about his dinner and about how we were all good for nothing. It woke me up right from my sleep. I'd gone to bed at 8:00 because I didn't have anything better to do. And it was summer - I mean sure, I could have stayed up all night, but I didn't. It was no big deal. I climbed out of bed to see what was going on. "What is he screaming about now?" I asked myself aloud while I left the room. I heard his feet pounding down the hall.
    "Where's my dinner?" He bumped into the wall and knocked some pictures of Mom in her wedding gown, Adam at a baseball game, Andrew and Amanda at school party off their nails. "Damn it! Where is-?"
    "What on earth are you bellowing about? People are trying to sleep," I said, rubbing my eyes. "You know Mom doesn't cook supper anymore, so go back down the hall and heat up the spaghetti I made. It's fresh." I turned to go back to sleep.
    "Don't get smart with me, girl. I didn't raise a smart-mouthed, spoiled brat!" He whirled me around to face him.
    "I wasn't being smart. I just said you'll have to heat up your food. It's ready and waiting." By then I was beginning to get mad myself. I was sick of him bullying everyone around, and for no reason. It's not like we actually misbehaved. Jeez, he ought to know that. He should be thankful!
    "I don't care what you said, it's the way you said it. Now listen here, you knock it off, right now."
    "No, you knock it off!" I yelled. "Every night you come home stinking of beer. You let Mom down; you let all of us down! We expected better of you - you should have dealt with your problems like a man! But no, you just roll around in self-pity. Well I don't feel sorry for you! In fact, I'm actually beginning to despise you!"
    I jerked away from him and tried to put some space between us, but instead I managed to somehow get hit in my left eye. Half-blinded, I yelled for Mom and ran past Dad, out onto the front deck. Dad was close behind, and when I got outside he grabbed me again and smacked me down. I stood up, and tried to fight back, but he hit me hard, and I went flying down the deck stairs. Lucky for me we didn't have a huge house - the deck's stairs were short compared to the stairs in a two-storey house, or I might have snapped my neck on the way down. The worst I got was a broken right arm when I tried to grab onto the banister to keep from falling further, and twisted it instead - then landed on it. I was lucky not to break my legs, too. Oh hell, I was just plain lucky for everything but the broken pieces that had once been my family…

I woke up in the hospital. It was early morning, but I didn't care. Nurses came and went. It was embarrassing to have to get help reaching the bathroom, and to be washed by a total stranger. And the food was horrible. I wondered what lies Dad had told the hospital to save his own butt. I wondered if anyone else got hurt. Where was my family, anyway?
    "Your brothers and sister were here earlier, but we asked them to leave until you were feeling better. I hope you don't mind." I knew the doctor wouldn't care if I did mind. I tried to smile, but it hurt my black eye. I reached up with my left hand and gently touched it, then jerked my hand away. It still hurt badly, but it'd get better. Everything would get better; just relax. "I think you should eat something while you're up." She left for a second, then came back. "Sharon will be here in a moment. Boy, that must have been some fall. How are you feeling?" I could tell she was new, just by how confused she looked as she tried to remember what she should and shouldn't do.
    "Yeah, it was a heck of a fall. In fact, I almost don't remember it." Fall, more like a push, practically.
    The other nurse came in and took over. I had to try hard not to spit the food out, but it was hard! Finally, I flipped on the TV and stared at the infomercial that was on, claiming that this new and improved product was scientifically proven to get tough stains out of your white clothes. "Even black tar will come out just like magic!"
    I let it all fade into the background as my thoughts took over. I didn't snap out of them until Emerald and Gareth came in. Emma leaned close to me and whispered, "We're here for you, Azure. Don't worry, we're here for you."
    I turned to look at her. I barely squinted my left eye open; it was hard enough for my good eye to stay open without my subconsciously trying to open my left. "Some fall down the stairs, huh?" I smirked sarcastically. "Don't worry, I'll be out of here before you know it. He never put me in the hospital before, you know?"
    I could see the pity in her eyes, and for a moment, my anger flared. What right did she have to feel pity? Look at the predicament she was in. I shamed myself immediately; I didn't mean that, I knew it. I just felt really bitter inside, and angry. Not at anybody other than Dad. Nobody else but myself.
    "Don't worry, Gareth and I are going to help you get revenge on that creep. I won't allow him to get away with this. I know we were never really friends before, but you're still my family."
    "You're not at all as mean and bad as you try to put off, Emma, I always knew that. That's why I was never rude back to you." I smiled a real smile for the first time since I had woken up. I found out later that I had just fallen last night and hadn't been out very long at all. And Mom hadn't called and told Grandma until late afternoon.
    But I had other things to think of, like revenge, as Emma had put it. I told her all that I had found out about dad from his drunken chattering. It's no surprise that he's been cheating on Mom for a long time. I had suspicions when Dad first lost his job, but I hadn't found out for sure until a blonde girl dropped him off at our house one night. They kissed before he entered the house, and I rushed upstairs to pretend I was sleeping. Mom was asleep, luckily. I'd have hated to see the fireworks they both could set off toward each other. And Dad often talked about his relationships, though Mom didn't believe him, or just didn't care. Or both.
    The three of us plotted and schemed until the nurses shooed them out of my room, saying I needed my rest. I went to bed that night feeling smugly safe. Yes, if three teens couldn't handle him, who could? Well, maybe a big lumberjack from Maine or Canada, or north of here. Oh heck, there I went letting my mind wander again…
    I was let out after one more day. I refused to go back home, so I was invited to stay at Grandma's. Dad was furious because he always thought that Grandma was trying to break up the family. Too late for that, he already had let it happen. I was in a room next to Emerald's. I never wanted to go back. I wanted to stay here. Safe. I wondered again about the others. Were they safe? Why didn't they come and live here, too? Just for a day or so. It wasn't possible, I knew it, but I still felt sorry for them.
    Finally, Emma's plan unfolded. She wanted to catch my dad on film, right in the act, red-handed. So we worked at hiding cameras in my house. Mom and Dad were at work, and I had managed to talk Adam, Andrew and Amanda into going to their friends' houses. I couldn't do much in the actual hiding of the cameras, but I did point out a lot of good hiding places for them, where they could still tape and not be seen.
    When the two cameras we had were in place, I could feel nervousness set in. Would this crazy plan work? Why didn't I just go to the police and complain? Why didn't I just quite thinking and worrying? After what seemed like an eternity, Dad came home. Mom had come in and taken care of herself, and as usual gone to bed, so I didn't have to worry about her. It was Daddy I worried about. What if he was crazier than I had guessed? What if he was totally off his rocker and wanted to kill me? What then would I do?
    I called Dad into the room and started talking to him. I pretended like I was trying to help him, telling him that there were people who could help him, AA meetings and even a shrink if he needed one. As expected, he began to get angry. It was working. I kept at it, nagging the best I could. But the worst happened. He did lose his temper all right, but he went nuts and started twisting my broken arm. "Daddy, stop it now! You're hurting me! Daddy, no!" I don't know how much time had actually passed, but I saw Emma virtually fly from her hiding place behind the chair and jump onto Dad's back.
    "What the hell!" someone yelled, I'm not sure whom, and Emma managed to get Dad's grip off me… it was all a blur to me. I heard the voices echoing off the walls.
    "Got your little friend in here to beat me up, Azure? What the hell? Stupid little bitch!" He grabbed me again and started slamming me against the wall. I could smell the whiskey on his breath - I could nearly taste it in the air. It made me sick. The last thing I remember was the urge to puke from the smell of him, the taste of alcohol and the pain that was gut wrenching. Something fell from the wall then, and I was knocked out cold.

EPILOGUE

And so here I am, staring at my still-noticeable black eye, bandaged arm, cut forehead and pretty much sorry self. I'm still sore all over, but I'll get over it. Grandma now has full custody over me, and as for Adam, Andrew and Amanda; well, they're giving Mom another chance. I'm not, at least not right away. She had stuck up for Dad and not me, and for what reason? I don't know, unless she feels guilty for not supporting him when he needed it. And now Dad was in jail. I don't know if our relationship will ever be the same. I don't know how anything's going to be, but for now, I'm happy. And safe.
Emma and I talk about the baby all the time, making plans and talking about all the toys and things we'd get when the time came. And I really think that Emma and Gareth make a cute couple, if I do say so myself. I hope that someday they can live happily together. As for me, I'm looking forward to the future myself, though just what it has in store for me, I don't know. I'll take things as they come, I suppose, when the time comes…

THE END

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