"RAVEN" by Alessandra Azzaroni

STORY LAST UPDATED ON 07/06/2002

AUTHOR'S NOTE

Written in Australia. This story was partly inspired by the Wildflowers miniseries.

PROLOGUE

My turn. I had to tell the others all about me and my life. Which I can say that I definitely did not want to do. Well, let's face it: I'm not one of those people who have to be the centre of attention. You know the type. As soon as the spotlight drifts from them, they're all: "Hey! Stop the show! Something's not right here!"
    I hate those people. Unfortunately, I know many of them. Just about everyone I know, truth be told. But that's not the worst part.
    I am one of those people.
    I don't have to be the centre of attention, but when someone else has centre stage… well; they don't have much to say. They can chatter on about everything frivolous and the others are totally engaged.
    That's why I have to be the centre of attention. Because when I am, something interesting happens. Or at least I have something worth saying.
    That day, I'd be the centre of attention. The others had to spend their day listening to me and what I had to say. Usually, that's a good thing. But not when I have to talk about my life.
    Dr Martin was there. She's the therapist. My mother - sorry, Verona - got totally freaked out when she heard that I had to see Dr Martin. "But, honey," she said to me, "shrinks are for crazy people."
    Oh, she is such an airhead.
    Lucy Martin was there, but wasn't with us. She came by with her cookies and lemonade and lunch, but she wasn't in on our conversation. Thank God. I don't need another person finding out what I've done and what's happened to me.
    Then there were the three other girls. Melody Granger told her story the day before. So sob story about her parents not being real parents, being loved by no one, la la la… the schizophrenic freak. She was probably overreacting. Lying, even. I don't believe her for a second.
    Then there was that stupid redhead, Star Breakley. I know people are supposed to think that blondes are the unintelligent ones, but seriously, what was with all those questions? She has no clue. In fact, she reminds me of my mo - Verona.
    And finally, little Tara Ross. Oh, she's a creepy one. Doesn't even open her mouth. Just little nods and waves. Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. I wouldn't be surprised if her turn came around and she did it all in sign language. Oh, how I pity her.
    Am I the only sane one out of us four? Melody the freak, Star the ditz and Tara the creep. Oh, how I wish I were someone else.
    "Get out," Verona ordered. I stepped out of the Mercedes-Benz and slammed the door. Even outside I could hear her yelling. "You selfish bitch, this car cost a lot of money. One day you'll be sorry you weren't nicer to me, one day…"
    I didn't even give her the benefit of listening any further. I was already rapping on the mahogany of the front door. We had our therapy sessions - Dr Martin suggested I call them visits, but I was above lying about what things really were - here at Dr Martin's house, where Lucy also lived. I kind of pitied Lucy for living with her sister, but if you're struggling for funds, I guess that's what you do.
    Lucy answered the door. "Good morning, Raven. Everyone's waiting in the study."
    I stepped through the threshold and was already on my way to the study. "Thank you, Lucy," I called out with my back to her.
    Sure enough, there they all were in the previous day's seating arrangement. How sweet of them to keep the same seat for me. But somewhere in me I thought they were scared of me. And if not scared, at least intimidated. So predictable how people react to a higher class of people.
    Before Dr Martin or any of the other three even greeted me, I was already speaking. "You want me to talk? Sure, I'll talk. But let me make this clear: Don't assume anything when it comes to me. Don't think you've got me figured out. You only know about me the things I tell you. Nothing else. Is that clear?"
    Their silence and their blank faces were enough to tell me that I was in control. Tara was the only one who nodded. "Thank you, Tara," I told her. "At least I have you on my side.
    "So, let's begin."

CHAPTER ONE

"First things first. I was not born with the name Raven Renée Sanders. No, my name was Ruth Bernice Cinders. That's right - Cinders.
    "The story begins with my mother's life. Because she is the one who made me who I am. I know everything about her - everything.
    "She was an illegitimate child. Her mother was thirty and desperate for men. So my grandmother just came up to a guy, lured him to her home, spread her legs and that's how my mother was conceived. Not a romantic story.
    "My grandmother, Rhonda, was afraid that my mother would become all the things Rhonda wasn't - beautiful, talented, charming and irresistible to men. Parents are supposed to want the best for their children, but Rhonda did not. She named my mother Ramona for a start - the first step to hating her daughter, for Ramona was the name of her lover's wife.
    "My mother, Ramona, was a beauty. Everyone loved her as soon as she was born. Already she was what Rhonda wasn't. As she grew up, Ramona got everything she wanted from everyone - except from Rhonda.
    "Rhonda was determined to shut her in a job, where people wouldn't fawn over Ramona, but would think of her as below them. It sounded a fine plan - theoretically.
    "But Rhonda didn't plan for her daughter to be discovered while shopping. She was trying on clothes in a shop and a model scout saw her. Ramona was sixteen at the time. The age of rebellion.
    "As soon as she was discovered, she was dead set on becoming everything she wasn't wanted to be. After only a few months, she desperately wanted to be a magazine cover girl. She wanted to be on every magazine cover.
    "At first the editors - whom were all male, particularly the editors of the men's magazines - weren't too sure about her. But then she got her way.
    "She changed her name from Ramona Cinders to Verona Sanders. Then she had sex with all the editors. Immediately, things changed. She was a main feature in the magazines for three months.
    "One might wonder why things stopped after three months. Well, she was pregnant. She was sixteen and stupid enough not to think of contraception. Of course, she was pregnant with me.
    "Rhonda gave her exactly what she deserved - to be shut up so her lesson could be learnt. Rhonda knew that it wouldn't affect me; I'd be fine.
    "Rhonda and Verona temporarily moved to Rhonda's late mother Bertha's house in the country. Rhonda fed her well and let her have sunshine and exercise, for my sake rather than Verona's. But Verona would be forever under Rhonda's control. Starting off, I was to be named Ruth Bernice, names that Rhonda had always hated. Because even though she was taking care of me, she didn't want me to be perfect."
    I paused to have a think before I continued. "I know I'm not perfect. I'm not perfect as a person or a daughter. But Verona was - and is - the least perfect of us all."

CHAPTER TWO

"Hang on, back up a minute there," Star interrupted. "How come you call your mother by her first name?"
    I sighed, frustrated. "It's obvious. If you're in the show business, people want you young. Instead of being someone's daughter, sometimes one must pretend to be their mother's sister. Of course, it's clear that you're mother and daughter, but they have to have the charade continued because it makes them seem younger," I explained.
    "And that way," I added, "keeps others from asking who the father is. It's good for people like Verona, who don't know the answer."
    Star nodded. "That makes sense. Is that how it was for you, Melody?"
    Melody looked confused. "What do you mean?"
    "You never gave your parents names. Just 'they' and 'them', 'he' and 'she', 'my father', 'my mother'…" Star trailed off.
    Melody nodded, picking up the thread. "It cuts off personal ties this way," she explained. "But it's not my day today, it's Raven's." She turned to me to continue. I instinctively turned towards the door and just as I thought, Lucy knocked on the door.

"Ready to continue?" Dr Martin asked.
    I didn't answer the question; I just picked up the story. "I was born there in the country house. After about two weeks, Rhonda went back to her job. Verona was grateful for that, as it gave her some freedom."
    "Nothing lasts forever," Star murmured.
    "Correct," I agreed. "Every evening when Rhonda came home, she, Verona and I would go outside for a little walk, Verona pushing me in my pram. Then we'd go inside; and Verona and I wouldn't be out again for twenty-four hours, unless the weekend came. We had to stay in because we were locked in. Rhonda had the only keys that unlocked the windows and doors.
    "When I was three months old, Rhonda didn't come back for a week. She mustn't have sold the house she used to live in. She'd come with a week's worth of groceries and then she'd leave.
    "However, she did stay for the weekend. That's when the escape was planned. While Rhonda was sleeping, Verona found a spare set of keys in Rhonda's bag. The other keys were worn on a chain around her neck. Verona took the keys and put them into her room.
    "Then on Sunday evening, Rhonda left. On Monday, Verona started packing our things. On Wednesday, we escaped.
    "Verona had everything planned. We'd go to a battered women's shelter, where she would pretend that she'd been hurt and that we were in danger.
    "We arrived there and Verona was in tears, telling them that she'd been raped sometime ago - that's how she told them how I'd been born - and that the man had come back and she was scared. Now that I'm thinking about it, I guess that's how her acting career started.
    "The volunteers rushed around, finding us a room and offering us food. Verona kept the masquerade up, acting all timid. Later I found out that that was how she got some men. Just acted vulnerable and pure, and they'd be all over her. Other times she'd just make it clear what she wanted and she got it. Spoiled, just like her whole life's been.
    "And always will be."

CHAPTER THREE

I looked up to see everyone looking in a confused way at me. Tara looked a bit scared, but that was nothing out of the ordinary. "What?" I asked of them.
    Star spoke up. "You looked rather… vengeful, just then."
    I began to explain. "Well - "
    "But it's perfectly reasonable to do that," Melody interjected.
    I turned to face her. "Do you know the reason why?" I asked her. A frazzled look on her face told me that she was trying to think of something. "Remember what I told you earlier? Don't assume anything. For all you know, my reasons could be thoughtless. Yet you just barged in and called things reasonable. Don't do that again."
    Melody looked offended at my hostility. But seriously, she did know better than to interfere. "I'll continue."
    "Even though the women at the shelter were kind to us, Verona took advantage of their goodwill. She found out where the workers kept their bags and jackets, and she took their money, bit by bit, hiding it away.
    "Then she thanked them for all that they'd done for us, and on that day - my first birthday - we left. Verona bought a newspaper, saw an ad for an apartment and it was ours within a few hours.
    "When we moved in, she immediately started playing up to everyone. Introduced me around, so that soon our neighbours would start baby-sitting me. In that same paper where she'd seen the ad for our new home, she'd also read a notice about auditions for a new movie. She'd done some modelling, and thought she'd move on to acting.
    "Unemployed, Verona needed money to keep the both of us alive. So while I was left at a neighbour's apartment, she'd go out and she became something that I've grown up to be ashamed of her - a prostitute. She'd perform her sexual favours for the rich men and she'd get money. Sometimes if she did exceptionally well, she'd get jewellery as well. With this money, she could afford to pay rent and have us clothed and fed.
    "Her audition went well and she won the part. Since she was eighteen, she had about fifteen years left to make a name for herself before she'd become 'too old' to be of use to the industry.
    "She was the talk of the town. All anyone could talk about was the strength and courage and all the other wonderful things of Verona Sanders. The story was that she'd been abandoned by her parents at eighteen and was left to look after her one-year-old 'sister', Raven. When we moved into the apartment, Verona got my name changed to that because of my hair colour.
    "When her acting money was combined with her prostitution money, we had a lot of money. Verona didn't want to give up the prostitution. She needed something to 'fall back upon', just in case times got tough and we were short of funds.
    "By the time I was two, we'd moved out of the shabby apartment into one of the cheaper homes in a middle-class neighbourhood. But there Verona couldn't find 'anyone worth pleasuring', as she so delicately put it. So when I turned five, we moved to the upscale area of Verona's first neighbourhood, where she had lived with Rhonda.
    "You see, Rhonda was part of her plan. If word got around that Rhonda was the one who 'abandoned' Verona, everyone would hate Rhonda. So, in order to keep Verona quiet, Rhonda had to baby-sit me a lot.
    "When I was ten, we moved house once more. I no longer needed a baby-sitter, so it was all right to move. We moved to the classiest town that was closest to us: Glory Hills, not too far from here. We've lived there ever since.
    "I was not at all happy about moving. Back in our last neighbourhood, I was the most popular person there, and I didn't have to try. My classmates' parents weren't loaded, so we were all treated the same.
    "Verona opted not for a private school, but for Glory Hills Elementary. Instantly I knew that I would never totally fit in. But I had to try. The first day I was seated next to Lorraina Belfry, the leader of the group. Verona didn't have as much money as Lorraina's parents had, so I wasn't as well dressed or groomed as she was. She made some comments, but I had comebacks for them. She respected me for standing up to her, so instead of being her enemy, I was invited into her group.
    "It was important for me to be part of a group, and the best one at that. It was the way I was used to, and it was the way Verona wanted things to be for me. After all, I was her 'sister', and she'd been popular her entire life.
    "I suppose I can't really remember Verona in my childhood. It was Rhonda who was significant. My earliest memories are of times with her. Perhaps in my mind that was how I thought - that Rhonda was really my mother and that Verona was my older sister. That was the story that I'd been told until the truth came out, much later.
    "During all this time, Verona had managed to keep up her career. After all, we were living - and still are - in California, home of Hollywood. She was able to keep acting, and even did some modelling, too. She was twenty-seven, but looked closer to twenty-three, which was just the way she wanted to be.
    "But she had plans for me. Verona wanted me to be famous like she was. She tried to line up acting and modelling auditions, but I was rejected. She thought that my inside lack of motivation showed on the outside. So she made me watch videos of all her movies and TV appearances, hoping that they would interest me, to be proud of her and want to be like her. Of course, I never knew about the prostitution.
    "To her dismay, I wasn't interested in what she did, and I wanted no part in it. I didn't know what I wanted to do, but I decided that anything was better than acting and modelling. Match them with singing and that was my idea of the brainless bimbo. Can't do anything intellectual, so she does everything superficial. In time, I'd learn all about these things, and the people who did them."

CHAPTER FOUR

I turned to look at the others. Dr Martin nodded knowingly. And she, too, looked around to see how the others were taking in my story.
    Melody was scratching the back of her very pink and swollen left hand. She stopped in mid-scratch when she saw me looking at her, somewhat embarrassed, as if I was going to chastise her. I wouldn't bother wasting my time. It shouldn't be my business what she did with her hands, which had been ruined by boiling water or something, so she'd said.
    Star, naïve as she seemed, had been listening intently. Obviously, my words were of interest to her. I had no idea of what her background was, and why she was in this group, but my story was clearly different from hers, by the look on her face. She may have asked her questions, but she didn't seem to be judging me. And I appreciated that.
    And what to say about little Tara. She was shocked, obviously. I wondered what her family environment was like. Perhaps she'd been mothered too much, and that was why she was the way she was. She was sitting all wide-eyed and waiting for me to continue. So I did.
    "Nearing my thirteenth birthday, Verona told me that she had put my name on an audition list. See, there was this TV show about to be made, and it required someone my age. Of course, when Verona heard about this, she jumped at the opportunity. She thought of it as an opportunity for me, but in reality, it was an opportunity for her.
    "Or so she thought. Maybe she thought I was a little wallflower-" I stopped as I thought of Tara. "Naturally, I wasn't. So one day she said to get in the car, as we were going to go shopping. I was immediately interested, because although I was part of the elitist group at school, I still sometimes felt that people looked down on me, as I wasn't good enough for them.
    "But as we drove past the shopping district of town, I realised that we weren't going shopping after all, so I was suspicious.
    " 'Where are we going?' I asked her.
    " 'Audition,' she replied vaguely.
    " 'Yours?' I said.
    "But of course, it would be just my luck that it was my audition. As if she didn't realise I didn't want to do it!
    "But that's the thing about flouncy, fizzle-brains like Verona. They have to have things their way, because they're spoiled little brats. Attention seekers, who kick up a fuss when people don't give in to them.
    "So Verona literally dragged me out of the car and into an old warehouse converted into an entertainment studio. In the waiting room, she got my name checked at the front desk, and we waited with heaps of other girls my age, all here for the same thing.
    "There were ditzy blondes who kept fiddling with their hair, and their mothers checked their daughters' make-up. There were brunettes and redheads and African- and Asian-American girls who tried not to listen as their mothers kept talking about how much money they'd make.
    "Verona was predictable. She chattered on about whatever it was she was chattering on about, while I blanked her out, yawned and glanced at the wall clock. I didn't want to listen to her brainless blather. I do have common sense.
    "When I read the script of the show, which was actually going to be a miniseries, I was…" I threw my hands up in the air. "Oh, I don't know, but I knew I couldn't possibly even audition.
    "You see, the script was about this thirteen-year-old bitch. Ever heard of Lolita? Well, the character I was supposed to audition for was eager to grow up. She wanted to marry someone who'd leave her their fortune, and die fast. So she stole her parents' valuables and sold them. She kept the money, and tempted the men down the street with it. And they'd get it… but only if they had sex with her.
    "I was… revolted by that. I couldn't believe that anyone would actually write about something like that, let alone anyone acting in it. And as I read it, I wondered if any of the girls and mothers in the waiting room realised what it was about.
    "And when I looked at Verona, I knew that she knew. She knew exactly what it was about. And she wanted me to be in it."

CHAPTER FIVE

The looks of shock on their faces told me how they were feeling, what they thought. Star had a certain look that made me feel as if I were the guilty party! I couldn't stand it. I needed a break. "Can we have a time-out?" I asked.
    Dr Martin nodded. "Of course."
    They stayed sitting, as if they expected me to be the one to up and leave. No way. It had to be the other way around. "Do you mind?" I said. "I'd like to be left alone for awhile."
    Dr Martin stood up, and the others followed her lead. Took their time!
    I did have a valid reason for wanting to be left alone. I was building up. As if what I had already told wasn't bad enough! No, there was worse to come. And the thing was, it would reveal more about me. I was fine talking about Verona and Rhonda, but when I talked about me, then I had issues.
    I took my time just concentrating on my breathing. It was something I'd seen Rhonda do after she had disagreements with her daughter. I think she did it to calm herself down, and to remember that she was the mature one.
    After awhile, I called out, "You can come in now."
    They were all silent as they filed in. I wondered if they had been talking without me. Talking about me, I supposed. I hated when people did that - talked about people behind their backs.
    I glared at them, willing one of them, at least, to dare to say something. Star caught the look and knowingly spoke up. "We're like fallen angels," she said.
    For once, I was the one who asked a question. "What's that supposed to mean?"
    "To the public we seem fine, we're in control. But in our own families and private lives, we're breaking down."
    "So we've all had a fall from grace?" Melody asked.
    I rolled my eyes. "Obviously. That's why we're all here."
    Dr Martin nodded. "Correct. Raven, would you like to continue?"
    "Fine," I replied, and picked up my fraying thread of a life story.
    "I wasn't going to stay silent about the whole issue. But I wasn't going to just walk away from it all. There had to be a way to make people see what they were doing, to let it really sink in what they were getting themselves into.
    "When my name was called out, Verona stood up, and asked me if I had memorised any lines. I cryptically told her that I knew what I wanted to say.
    "It was a quiet room we walked into, with only the director and the casting agent there. Verona handed them the form she'd filled in with my details, and they asked me to choose a page for my audition.
    " 'I'm doing seventy-three,' I told them, but of course, I wasn't. With such coordination that it surprised even me, I grabbed their coffee cups, still warm, and flung the contents in their faces. I slapped them both and began my rant.
    " 'Don't you see what you're doing?' I shouted at them. 'It's one thing to make a porn movie, but it's another thing entirely to get children involved! You're the kind of people who should be locked away with the rapists and the molesters of the world. What you're doing is wrong!'
    "And then I stormed out of the room. And neither Verona nor the directors stopped me. They were probably shocked that an eleven-year-old would say something like that. But I believed in the truth.
    "Next, I went out into the waiting room, and yelled at the parents of these girls. These parents who knew what the script was about, and still they were willing to get their daughters involved. Encouraging it. They were that desperate for money.
    " 'How can you even call yourselves mothers?' I yelled. 'You're so twisted as to actually want your daughters to be involved in this blatant display of child pornography!' I waved the script around. 'How do you sleep at night, knowing that because of this, your daughters are going to grow up wrong - and probably promiscuous? You people are just as bad as those in there!' "

CHAPTER SIX

"Raven? Raven, are you with us?"
    I looked up, confused. "Yes, I'm here. Why?"
    "You spaced out on us," Dr Martin told me. "Like Melody did yesterday. And I think that Star and Tara may do it, also. Your feelings are so strong that you forget where you are. You relive events.
    "Now," she changed the subject, "are you ready to continue?"
    I took a deep, calming breath, and answered. "Yeah. I'll wrap it up and then we can leave." At that moment, I just wanted it to all be over.
    I picked up where I left off. "I dashed out of there as fast as I could. Verona saw me on the streets, but I wouldn't get into the car. And it was a good one. It's still the same Merc she has today.
    "I knew that Rhonda didn't live too far away, so I went to her house. I told her everything that had happened, and then she called Verona. They organised things so that I would live with Rhonda - and still attend a Glory Hills school - but we'd have to have regular visits with Verona. This was so that she couldn't skip off on her maternal duties.
    "The time apart was good for us. We're still not communicating well, and we don't like being in each other's company. Sometimes I wonder if we ever did. But still we'd meet, and I'd find out what she was up to.
    "Somehow, she got on the right track. She avoided pornos, and managed to get a regular role in 'Happy Hour'."
    "I watch that," Star piped up. "That's why I thought you looked like someone I'd seen before."
    "Mm, yes," I said, not really listening. "Surprisingly, she's managed to keep that role, but in all honesty, I don't really think she's that good an actor. But it keeps her bank balance high, and she lives in luxury.
    "In the meantime, I had been 'discovered' shopping with Rhonda. She decided to leave everything up to me. She told me, 'If you wanna do it, you can, but get yourself outta there if something's amiss.' And I took that advice.
    "It was just catalogue work for Spark, that newish clothing store. Expensive clothes, but they're worth it."
    "I've been there," Star interrupted again. "At one point, it was my mother's favourite store for me."
    "Mm, yes," I said again. What was the point to these comments of hers? "Anyway, late last year, Rhonda got terribly sick, and just died. She had breast cancer, but she didn't want all those treatments. Not only were they so expensive, but also I think that she didn't want to live anymore. She kept it all a secret from me, but Verona knew, and so I've had to move in with her. We've been living like that ever since.

EPILOGUE

As we waited to be picked up, I ended up talking with Star. "So how did you come to be a patient of Dr Martin?" she asked.
    "I've been going since about a month before Rhonda died," I answered. "It was her idea. I think maybe Verona's warming up to it. She says a lot of famous people see shrinks, anyway. So I think she doesn't mind me coming here, but she won't say it, of course.
    "It's your turn tomorrow, isn't it?" I asked.
    She nodded. "Seems like it."
    I was intrigued. I had a feeling that maybe she and I had something in common, even if it was only wealth. I would soon find out.

THE END

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