September 9, 2000

Dear ,

I have just read a document you created called XXXXX.wpd. It contains a letter addressed to Ms. Oprah Winfrey. In this letter you once again lie, malign and misrepresent me for your own purposes. As much as you need to believe me insane, needy, dependent and unable to care for myself, that is your sickness and your need. I have always lived the life that I wanted to live until you and others interfered in my life.

As you should be well aware, I have no desire to have anything to do with you and your sickness.

I have no need or desire for you to "stand ready to pick me up if I fall." I have not asked you for anything in decades, except for when I was suffering severely from TMJ, and did you ever make me sorry for doing that. And I have since continued as I did for decades prior to that to want nothing to do with you and your sick dependency needs.

I would appreciate it if you would discontinue asserting that I am in need of your malignant "help." I would also appreciate it if you would discontinue talking about my alleged insanity or I may still pursue a legal case against you now that I have found more support for my cause and have made legal contacts.

I have been involuntarily committed four times mainly due to your sick desire and interference into my life. My involuntary commitments were based mainly on lies against me and my then emotional state (and Spirituality and passionate emotion which is not mental illness as far as I and many other truly religious people are concerned) caused by violence, harassment, intrusiveness and shock I suffered at how I was treated by so-called loved ones.

I never dreamed that [ex-boyfriend] would put his hands on me, threaten me or keep me from a job. And I will not bring up the constant harassment you subjected me to prior to my first incarceration (for that is what I consider it), or that look you gave me when I told you what I thought about what you did to [sister]. I knew then that you were determined to have me locked up and that you knew how to do it.

What were my crimes of insanity the first time you had me locked up? Breaking up with [ex-boyfriend]? Speaking up and risking my job? (By the way, a job which I had outgrown and was prepared to leave if need be.) Staying home from work when there was no work to do for they were reorganizing and there was also low morale throughout the entire organization if not the whole company? Or was my highest crime telling you off? Being too honest with you? Yes, I think that was my worst offense for which I had to be punished. Little did I know you would intrude into my life again, eight years later, and defend a man who put his hands on me with the statement that "a Black man would have done worse."

Well you succeeded in having me locked up four times but you didn't succeed in keeping me there, did you? I didn't go to court the first time, not knowing the law and the mental health system and because I was not physically violated nor being forced into taking toxic drugs. I considered it a well-earned rest from you and the job, not realizing what effect it would have on the rest of my life. But you must remember that the last hospital was twice ordered to release me. And I would have had the same success the first time I went to court had I known what the game was: that the psychiatrist would lie and that emotion and movement were taboo, considered symptoms of insanity. My court rulings will be entered as evidence, to buttress my point of view, should we meet in court again, as well as the fact that I have been able to live my life with no problems and no psychiatric drugs and "treatment" since I last won at court.

Tell me how an insane person is capable of turning their attitude and behavior around, at will, when supposedly their mind is out of their control? When their mind is supposedly ravaged by their defective genes and a chemical imbalance? How is it possible that an insane person can have such insight and mental and physical discipline to not appear insane? Tell me how a so-called manic can appear "serene" as Joel M. Aurnou, my lawyer, described my second court appearance and so impress her lawyer and two judges as Joel told me I did? It's simple. It's because my alleged insanity is all a crock of psychiatric "expert" bullshit. Joel believes I taught that hospital a thing or two, although I doubt it, because some people, like you, can never learn, lacking insight, being deluded and in deep, deep denial.

The psychiatrists just acted as your agent, doing what was in your and their money-hungry interests (that's why they gladly allowed me to stay three months without drugs during my first incarceration), totally disregarding the circumstances of my commitments, the wrongs done to me and the reasons for my "excessive" emotionality. They refused to ever let us all meet together so that we could perhaps separate truth from fiction for that is the last thing they wanted to do for then they would have been confronted with the need for treatment for my accusers rather than for me. I now have a new saying about psychiatrists and it is this: Why be a thug and a drug-pusher on the street when you can be one in a psych ward and be well-respected and well-compensated for it, too? Thugs and drug-pushers are some of the nicer words I have for these self-serving, power-hungry, deluded, violent quacks.

I was goddamn angry, and justifiably so, about how all of you lied against me, violated me and tried to destroy me, and for once in my life I was determined to let you all know it. And when my tactics backfired, I did just as I said I would in court, I desisted and returned to my peaceful life. It was wonderful getting away from such ugliness, evil and violence and to be able to end my "crazy" histrionics. But I can't get away from it, can I? For you persist in using the label you forced upon me, for your own ends, in order to play the innocent, long-suffering martyr act and to get others to do for you what you cannot do for yourself. This garbage must stop. I am tired of being abused and used. Do you understand me or is this beyond your limited comprehension? I will seek legal redress and do all in my power to stop you from further damaging my good name and reputation.

Although your lies were easily used against me (as is common in this corrupt world) and as [ex-boyfriend] knew lies would and could be used against me as they were used against him when he was arrested twice for drugs, Joel M. Aurnou, my lawyer, was absolutely right and effective when he had my hospital records entered as pure hearsay in court and not valid as evidence of my alleged insanity. Joel also had entered in my court records that those so-called psychiatric experts who diagnosed me met with me for a maximum of three times for five or ten minutes each time casting doubt on how thorough their examination of me was. Also, be aware that the lies, violence, violation of civil and human rights and corruption of the involuntary commitment system is well documented and well known to many, including average citizens such as yourself. I easily and quickly learned that what was done to me is routinely done to thousands of others worldwide. This important and relevant information to my case I would not hesitate to use to my advantage. Keep this in mind should we go to court again: Your lies, and those in my hospital records, most likely will not have any weight at all and you will finally have to produce hard facts and evidence for all your allegations. Also, remember that although five experts claimed I had nothing wrong with my mouth and jaw, I now have my own experts (dental and medical), physical evidence and medical records to prove those experts, like the psychiatrists, were in error. And, lastly, I doubt that you will have such allies as [ex-boyfriend] to testify with you against me for he quickly lost the stomach for such machinations, declining to testify against me in my second court hearing. What lying, loyal friends will you find to stand by your side in presumptions of my insanity? [friend], who barely knows me?

I cannot even begin to detail the many lies you, my other so-called loved ones and others told against me, including your allegation of my having auditory hallucinations, [ex-boyfriend]'s allegations of having put my fist through a plate of glass which the policeman did not even dignify in his report knowing it was a lie, the hospital's documentation of an "abrasion" which for your edification means scrape as proof of putting my fist though a plate of glass, and the psychiatrist in court lying to say that I tried to attack him and his staff when in fact his staff restrained and shot me up with Haldol when I demanded my legal right to call the Patient Advocate.

I am supposedly the one suffering from hallucinations and delusions yet you are the one who must suffer from hallucinations when you said I looked terrible at court with my hair all over the place. I find it impossible to understand how you saw my hair when I appeared in court in a bath robe and towel on my hair having been rushed out of the shower. All of my hospital records support the fact that I was well-groomed every day, and eating and sleeping well, too, as a matter of fact.

It does seem to really bother you, and others like you, that I am so successful without living life the way I am "supposed" to. Yes, I competed quite well and quite easily with college graduates, such as you, at IBM (for 13 years by the way, not 10 and I left on my own accord, having made the decision prior to your having me committed, not due to my alleged breakdown as your letter implies) and on my temp jobs. Not only was I able to leave IBM with no debt and thousands of dollars of savings and retirement money, but also, I repeat for the dim-witted, I left by choice, not due to some alleged insanity as you more or less imply in your letter. Perhaps you have not much free will or forethought but I have much to spare. I do not act impulsively despite the allegations of mania. I plan and direct and control my life when others do not interfere. And even when others interfere, I learn rather quickly what to do in order to regain control of my life, don't I?

I was able to work where and when I wanted to up until I became disabled with TMJ. The fact that I did not work consistently, I reiterate, I did by choice, not as a result of an emotional or mental disability as you imply in your letter and in my hospital records. Even now, when I am unable to work for the last two years, I am living off of my money, never asking you, anybody else or the government for any money or help. My lifestyle is called being able to control one's life. It's called choosing not to be an economic slave. It's called freedom and freedom of choice. It's called having the right to be different, to live an unconventional, nonconformist life. Can you understand such concepts? Do you not believe such things are possible for such a person as I am, as you put it, a Black woman without a college degree? I've only managed to do this so far since 1988. What's that, 12 years? I'd say I'm doing good at living life pretty much the way I had planned except for the changes I had to make due to TMJ and the setbacks you, [ex-boyfriend] and [father] caused by my incarcerations.

Does it bother you that I handle money better than you ever could? Does it bother you that I could decide if and when I wanted to work having earned my economic independence from 13 years of workaholism at IBM? I have lived my life as I planned it: to never be dependent on anyone or any job or any man. I think I succeeded quite well at that, even with your interference and attempts to impoverish me with forced hospitalizations if I did not live my life as you thought I should. Notice that I said my life. For despite what you think, this is my life. It is not your life to define, determine and dictate, although you try damn hard to.

Haven't you made enough of a mess of your own life that you need not try to mess up mine, too? Have you no shame, no humility? Or is it that misery loves company? Or is it just plain envy? Or is it just the evil in you? I truly do not understand the source of your hostility and destructiveness--nor your determination to do harm while you deny every evil thought, motivation and deed you've ever had or done.

The only way I could, or would, have ever ended up on welfare (as you asserted was your fear in my hospital records) is if you had succeeded in your attempts to lock me up and then to force payment for such a travesty on me or if you had succeeded in getting me drugged into zombie land so that I would barely be able to think and function anymore as so many psychiatric victims are afflicted as you so well know. But at least they keep their mouths shut and don't torment their antagonists with words and behaviors they don't want to hear or see, isn't that true? [ex-boyfriend] more or less put it in writing that each day I did not comply with his wishes to take the toxic psychiatric drugs and return to being the good girl I was before who tolerated his emotional abuse was costing me more of my money. Well, it hasn't cost me a dime for I refuse to pay for what was forced upon me by unscrupulous, violent, unethical liars.

Yes, I may be brilliant. I say this, not because of my grandiose insanity, but because of the research I did on the difference between madness and genius which was necessitated in defense of myself after you had me committed the second time. All of you acted as if I did not have the right to defend myself, as if I was supposed to accept the recorded diminishment of who I am, my abilities, capacities and accomplishments in silence. Of course I could not. I researched and learned that many people who are out of the norm, like me, are deemed insane. Thanks to you I know now that I am in a category with hundreds of exceptional people--Michelangelo, Ralph Waldo Emerson, William James, Mark Twain, Irving Berlin, Cole Porter, Beethoven, Gandhi, Socrates, Isaac Newton and Copernicus to name a few--who had profound influence on this world. And thanks to you I now call myself the PROUD Nut Case, taking on with pride the label you have attempted to stigmatize me with.

I have also managed to create a Web site (despite my TMJ) to tell part of my side of the story of my incarcerations to the whole wide world since your lying side of my incarcerations were the only official records. So far I have received much positive feedback about my version of events where I was honest enough to tell about my "abnormal" tremendous energy, rapidity of speech and Spiritual revelations. Unlike you, I need not lie to make my case or live my life.

Oh, I forgot to mention that during my research I found much evidence to support my passion, energy and Spirituality, as not an abnormality or defect, but as a given and a strength of my character and temperament. This research includes Jung's personality types where I am in a small two percent minority to the Occult/Astrological descriptions of a Scorpio of my birth date. I am so true to type it still amazes me. Yet you dared to try to destroy all that the Creator--not you or [father] mind you--made of me by forcing debilitating psychiatric drugs on me. There was no way you could have succeeded for I am as indomitable as you are.

I am proud of everything I am and everything I have done. And as I noted above, I have even managed to gain positive things and revelations from the negativity you attempted to bring into my life, for that, too, is a part of my nature. I would never had known how brilliant I am had I not done research after you had me locked up and gone back and looked at the awards I won at IBM and thought back to how well I have always tested. Nor would I have realized how successful I have been at life--according to my nonmaterialistic, unconventional standards of success. In fact, I have accomplished more than I ever dreamed possible for me, even reaching a Spiritual high and a sense of Heaven on Earth as a reward for all the Spiritual work I have done to be the person I believe I should be in the best of possible worlds. For that, I suppose, I should thank both you and [ex-boyfriend] for giving me situations, actions and attitudes most difficult to comprehend.

[ex-boyfriend] once asked me, why am I so honest. I find it now ironic that I am written up and regarded as the lying one while he, you and others are taken as the truthful ones. In your letter, once again you lie about who turned me on to drugs because you do not want to deal with the truth that [ex-boyfriend] turned me on to just about every drug I ever did including pot, cocaine, hashish and mushrooms. I told you this before and you just about called me a liar. You can continue to live in your denial (which is supposedly a symptom of my insanity), but that is exactly what it is, a denial of the truth and a symptom of your insanity. Do you dare to confront him on this? Does he have the courage or integrity to tell you the truth? I believe the answer to these two questions is no because you two are both such weak, fearful creatures, afraid to confront yourselves and the unpleasant realities of life. You also write that I speak Spanish fluently which is another of your lies which you tell for who knows what reason. Although it may be true, I don't recall that I was on the honor roll when I was in college: I barely attended class I was so bored and out of my element. Though these statements are of less consequence, they are still a misrepresentation of who I am that I feel you tell for some devious reason, perhaps to build me up higher just so you can knock me further down with the label of nonfunctioning mental case. To elicit, "Oh, what promise she once had until she had those breakdowns," I imagine must be your intention.

Lastly I want to respond to something you write that is not in the section about me but in the section about The Father. Here you state that you "will not talk about him...I don't believe in bringing a black man down." You write this, yet earlier in this document (file XXXXX.wpd) you describe him as a manic-depressive and in my court records you describe other of his family members as suffering from mental illness. Would you like him or his family to know the things you are saying about them? You write that you do not believe in bringing a black man down but you obviously are more than eager to bring Black women down as you proved and continue to prove in your actions towards me and [sister].

I suggest from now on, in terms of how you deal with me, that you follow the same attitude you have towards The Father and not talk about me and quit trying to bring me down and further besmirch my name or I will do as I have promised to do in this letter and that is seek legal redress. I have had enough of lies and injustice, use and abuse.

Sincerely,

Victoria D. Gaines

The PROUD Nut Case

Enclosure

Following is the part of my mother's letter which has to do with me:

April 6, 1999

Ms. Oprah Winfrey
HARPO Productions
110 N. Carpenter Street
Chicago, IL 60607-2101

Dear Ms. Winfrey:

Victoria

Had her first breakdown at IBM where she held a position with no college degree. She was brilliant so they say. Among Who's Who in college student. Drop out of college while she was on honor roll. A co-worker encouraged her to use cocaine. She functioned about 10 years and has had 3 breakdowns in 2 years. She also speaks Spanish fluently.

***********************************************

The next two images are my mother's response to my above letter. The "feuding" seems to be over. She claims to have had enough.

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