Lost in trying to be

Hoping to find...
   there are tears,
                tears,
        and more tears,
              first unwept,
        but when wept,
                uncontrollable.

Hoping to find...
   there is pain,
                pain,
        and more pain,
                first unfelt,
        but when felt,
                inexplicable.

        I cried yesterday from the soul,
        and the tears I wept were the tears
        of self-pity;
        salty, wet, uncontrollable tears.
        Yet I was glad I cried.
        Glad that I could cry.
        Most of my emotions I thought had died,
        but realized had only been suppressed.
        Suppressed within the being I and society had created.
        So when I saw I could cry uncontrollably
        I realized society had lost me.
        Or rather I had lost society.

        I felt pain from the soul,
        and the pain I felt was the pain
        of arrival;
        deep, hurting, inexplicable pain.
        Yet I was glad I hurt.
        Glad that I could be hurt.
        This feeling too, of being wounded,
        I had attempted to cover.
        To cover within the being I and society had created.
        So when I saw I could be deeply inexplicably hurt
        I realized that the Social I was leaving
        and the truthful me was arriving.
        The pain I suffered was only the pain of finding.

        My tears I wept were of both joy and sorrow.
        I knew my struggle would be a hard one
        fighting that which I didn't believe,
        living that which I did.
        I would be disrergarding society and paying for it.
        My tears would be a showing of sorrow over choosing to take
        the hilly road rather than the level,
        the turbulent stream rather than the calm,
        and the discontent way of life rather than the complacent.
        But in all the sorrow I would meet I knew
        I would find joy with the knowledge that I had the courage
        at one time to abandon society and the Social I
        and search for the new arrival of me.

        The pain I felt would tell me that
        the arrival was inevitable and imminent.
        It would say persistently
        let the salty tears fall
        so the pain more easily can be released
        and the arrival can quicken its pace;
        the arrival of the new me
        which will end all tears of self-pity and all related pain,
        for my search for myself would be over.
        I want to look up no longer with hope of being 
        but rather with the knowledge of being.

        Tears and pain,
                uncontrollable and inexplicable,
        I will arrive in your presence,
        but finding oneself requires so much of one
        and I fear this feeling of responsibility to myself.
        I know the Social I has not been totally lost
        but neither at this time has the truthful me been found.
        I am lost------
                inexplicably,
                        tearfully
                                and painfully lost----
        to myself.
        Lost between two mes, too conflicting.
        I am dreadfully lost
                and confused within myself,
        but for how long can I be
        knowing the path that I must take
        is right before me?
        And then again
        I'm still hoping------
        Hoping that I will always have the courage
        to continue searching for something I have lost.
        Something that was once an important part of me.
        Searching for something--not knowing just what.
        But this lost part
        whatever it may be,
        I know will kill the Social I,
        the Untruthful I,
        the Scheming I,
        the Defensive I
        and the Accepted I,
        so that I may rejoice
        in being me.