He, MB, said it would never fit, insulting my intelligence and denying
my seven months' intensive work with space management.
And, of course, the cop said he saw "infinite" space, as I did.
But what does a Dumb Black Bitch know?
They, MB & AG, thought it impulsive (or was it envy?), my buying office supplies.
But I'd only spent the last eight years of my life working toward
becoming my own boss. It was to be my first home office.
But what does a Dumb Black Bitch know?
She needs a man, any man, to tell her how to think and act and do
and BE a successful (subservient) WOMAN.
He, MB, said it was "madness," although it had "a method to it,"
my studying light, space, beauty, harmonious colors and forms, and
infinite universes by moving candles around.
But what does a Dumb Black Bitch know
as compared to a White man--with a degree no less?
He, MB, said it was "dangerous," my setting up and conducting a test
on impediments to effective communication which reduced him to
belligerence and ranting and raving, even when I limited myself
to writing one unit of data, and followed his lead using koans
in an effort to get him to see himself.
But what does a Dumb Black Bitch know--
about communication or life or anything else of importance--
except sex maybe?
It takes a man to teach her anything worth knowing.
(Oh, how they love to pontificate!)
He, MB, said I was violent, out of control and not sleeping.
But I never broke a plate of glass or asaulted anyone.
It was he who grabbed and bruised me when I said I was leaving.
And then he said he was sorry, that wasn't him.
(Doesn't that mean he was out of control?)
And then he threatened to kill me or himself if "I didn't stop
what I was doing." (God forbid! I was only taking care of my
business and ignoring him for a change.)
He scared me with his violence and intrusive, demanding behavior,
not letting me sleep, yelling "Get back in this bed!"
"Get back in this bed!" while I was in peace on the porch.
And then, of course, he called AG, who came and put his hands on
me, too, while not a word was spoken.
But what does a Dumb Black Bitch know--
about insanity, self-control or self-awareness or when and how
to play sane for those who define reality and normalcy?
She needs a man to see her as she should be, to teach her demure
feminine composure and how to die to her legitimate aims, emotions,
pleasures and passions.
He, MB, said I was "racially paranoid." (Oh God did I tell him
too much about himself and his loved ones?)
This man, who, until an ultimatum, refused to introduce me to his parents.
Who still, after 23 years, would rather his extended family think
he was gay than acknowledge my existence.
This man who looked at me with horror and immediately said "no"
when I told him I expected him to tell his relatives about me.
("To hear about me is to see me? In all my blackness?)
And this man who once said "Of course White people think they're
better than Blacks."
But what does a Dumb Black Bitch know--
about racism or sexism or inhumanity, injustice or hypocrisy?
She only lives in this world and it teaches her soon enough.
Natural (man-made) law, MB said rules, with niggers and
bitches consigned to the bottom forever.
He used force and lies to teach me that
this is a dog-eat-dog world and where my place in it is.
Some benevolent despot!
Oh, what does a Dumb Black Bitch know?
when all her so-called loved ones and the so-called experts agree
she is manic, delusional, unjustifiably angry and energetic, and
incapable of insight or good judgment?
Why she can't hold down a job, they say. She dares to speak up
and then walk away when she has had enough or even gets fired.
She must be made to slow down and to function, think and act
like we do. We, the pillars of society.
She must be made to become a part of sane, respectable society--
with all its lies, destructiveness, envy, hatred, abuse, violence, avarice, fears and confusion. And EGO, EGO, EGO! I, ME and MINE!
What does this Dumb Black Bitch know?
She knows where she has been and where she is going.
She knows that she has lived her life--fully, compassionately,
non-violently and thoughtfully--and not some drab, poor imitation.
She knows that she has found Heaven in the midst of Hell. That she
refused to worship false idols or be broken.
She knows that she has heard the music of the spheres, and the thoughts
of the Creator. He has led her along--in truth, courage and faith.
She knows that He has blessed her with strength, passion, will, endurance,
intelligence, visions and psychic energy, giving her a glimpse
of what is to come.
She knows that the anger which she must express (did she not
feel the wrath of God?) cannot destroy her supreme happiness,
for she has attained all that had meaning for her in this life.
She knows that she has found the glory of the SELF,
and marvels at her prophetic adolescent poetry where she first expressed her spiritual longings.
She knows that "I AM," "I WAS" and "I WILL BE!"
What more is there to know?
This Dumb Black Bitch cares to know no more--of this world.
This Dumb Black Bitch cares to be held back no more--by this world.
This Dumb Black Bitch cares to be told "no" no more--in this world
and this Dumb Black Bitch cares to never again be violated by this world.
That's what this Dumb Black Bitch knows!
8/4/98