ALEC INTERVIEWS ACTOR DAVE COULIER! A: Dave, let me just say first of that I'm a huge fan. I think that Joey Gladstone wasn't just a brilliant comic or great friend, but really an uncle to us all. D: I'm not talking 'til I get my cheeseburger. A: Dave, I thought I made this perfectly clear, first we do the interview, then I'll compensate you by buying you a cheeseburger. D: Alright, alright, cut ... it ... out. A: Any truth to the rumor that Rod Roddy is really your father? D: I've been trying to get that motherfucker to submit to a paternity test for twenty years now. A: Good luck with that, about the Olsen twins, how soon after their eighteenth should we expect to see them naked? D: Not soon enough if you ask me, those little freaks have grown into some fuckin' grade A pieces of ass. A: Marie Osmond, did you boink her? D: Twice, the second of which, I was too coked up to remember, I think she called me "Donny" once on accident, and let me tell you, sir, that was awkward with a capital "A". A: Who is the most overworked, underappreciated actor in all of Hollywood? D: Mesach Taylor, no doubt. The guy just has it. A: I saw a picture of you recently at "Stephanie" actress Judith Sweetin's graduation party, was it fun to get the old gang back together? D: Well, it's always interesting, that evening in particular, I arrived three quarters of the way into a bottle of Jack that I was splitting with the twins who used to play Uncle Jessie's kids, Nicky and Alex. A: Uh-oh. D: You got that right, Stamos hit one of them for propositioning his wife, Rebecca Romijn-Stamos. Bob Saget got caught peeing in the hot tub, and DJ, actress Candace Cameron, was topless before we even polished off the first keg. Also someone said that Becky, Lori Loughlin, got into a cat fight with Mary-Kate over some blow, but that might just be a rumor. A: Where were you during all of this? D: Giving Judith Sweetin my graduation gift, if you know what I mean. A: Loud and clear. You were in a barbershop quartet, if I'm not mistaken. D: Yes, and I think it really brought my career to a halt. A: Who do you hang out with in Hollywood? D: The Cory's (Haim and Feldman), C.C. Deville of the band Poison, Keshia Knight-Pullman, Meredith Baxter, the Barbi twins, David Caruso, Shelly long, and Jonathan Taylor Thomas, and sometimes Scott Baio comes along. A: Can Scott Baio still pull wool? D: No, not really, usually it's JTT that scores the chicks. A: I heard that you are doing some stunt work for Jeff Daniels lately. D: Yeah, well we look a lot alike so he's thrown me a few bones lately. A: Dave, last question:what does your future hold? D: Well, hopefully the sydication checks keep coming in, and I can clean myself up then maybe bag me an Olsen, ride that train for a while. A: Now how 'bout that cheeseburger? D: I thought you'd never ask.