Pairing: CJ/Toby (with eventual references to CJ/Hoynes, CJ/Danny, Toby/Andi, CJ/OMC, CJ/Will Saywer, Toby/OFC, CJ/Simon, and J/D)

Timeframe: Started following Drought Conditions, but gives eventual spoilers back through the beginning of time. :-) Er, the Bartlett Administration, rather.

Rating: The entire series is being posted under “Adult”, even if the chapter isn’t, because of dark imagery, sex, language, and other … joys.

Disclaimer: These guys don’t belong to me. They may talk to me, but they are the property of NBC, of John Wells, were created by Aaron Sorkin, and I don’t get a penny for writing any of this. If anyone wants to sue, they can have my student loans, my credit card debt, and my medical bills.

A/N: I was reading a fic called "Attonement" by DaniBannani and in it, Toby called CJ "Jeanie". The idea stuck with me and I liked the nickname, so I credit her with the idea, even though I know there are others who have had similiar ideas, including the guys on West Wing.

A/N 2: I never ever put a note like this in my stories, but since some people are sensitive to it – a lot of the chapters from this point on deal with some things that happened to CJ while she was in Qumar. And there’s nothing graphic, but there are mentions of sexual and physical assault. And yes, these mentions are necessary to get to the end of the story, many many chapters from now. So, just fair warning to people.

1986 ~ New York City

“God!” She curled up around him as he rolled off of her, snuggling close under the thick sheets that covered the couch pullout they shared more often than not lately.

“I’m starting to get an ego,” he chuckled, taking her closer into his arms.

“You already have one.” Snickering a bit, CJ just smiled into his shoulder and let her fingers dance across his body. “And for good reason.”

“Thank you.” Toby smiled into the darkness, loving the feel of her in his arms. It all felt so natural, they were so perfect together. So perfect. “You staying tonight?” He asked, hoping to God that she would.

Yawning, CJ looked over at the clock and just grunted her answer. How could she go anywhere this late? It wasn’t safe and damn if she was going to try to find where her clothes were around this place. “Just don’t let me sleep in tomorrow. I’ve got a meeting at 8.”

“Why?” Something about the way she said it grabbed his attention.

“Because that’s a normal time for having staff meetings.” Rolling her eyes, CJ tried to snuggle back against his now tense body. “Toby, stop worrying. Please.”

“They keep talking transfers …”

“And I don’t want one. I like it here. Now stop it before I end up going home for the night.” That got his attention and his arms tightened around her again. The last thing CJ remembered was his heartbeat against her own, and his lips brushing her forehead. But Toby stayed awake, watching her shadow in the dim light that came in from outside the small window. Something was changing, he could taste it in the air, and even if CJ refused to say anything, she knew it too. And it scared him. God above, it scared him. Taking her hand in his, he traced the lifeline on her palm, wondering if the old legends were real, and if two people who were meant to share a life, would share a lifeline. He loved tracing that long line on her palm, the one so similar to his own. It connected them.

“Claudia Jean …”

“Daddy, we’re not having this conversation now.” She sighed and glanced at the clock, “I have to finish getting dressed now, all right? I’ll call you later this week. Kiss everyone for me.” Her father pretended not to hear her, so she continued to yank on her nylons, strap on her sandals, and even try to fix her hair all while he yammered to her about why she should marry “that nice Jewish fellow”. Finally, hearing the knock on her door, she just gave up. “Dad, I really have to hang up the phone now. I promise I’ll call you tomorrow.” Without giving him a chance to argue, she put the phone back on the receiver and hurried to the door, grinning as she opened it to see the best friend a girl could hope to have. “Anisah!”

“Ceej!” The two women embraced tightly. “Wow, you look amazing!”

“So do you.” Stepping back, CJ allowed Anisah and her husband into the small apartment. “Hello, Abdul,” she smiled warmly and kissed him on the cheek.

“You do look beautiful tonight, CJ.” Abdul smiled back, bowing his head slightly to her.

“So where is this guy, Ceej?” Anisah crossed her arms playfully, “I’m starting to think he doesn’t really exist.”

“He’s stuck at the office.” CJ rolled her eyes. “Well, he was until about half an hour ago. He’s on his way.”

“I’m here.” Came a gruff voice from the door. Toby rushed in, mumbling apologies in CJ’s general direction.

“It’s okay,” CJ grinned, slipping her hand into his and turning him toward their guests. “Anisah, Abdul, this is Toby Ziegler.”

Hugs and handshakes were exchanged and then Toby took a good long look at his girlfriend. “You look amazing, Jeanie.” He smiled, watching her blush. Anisah grinned too; it had been a long time since she’d seen CJ so completely at ease and relaxed in the presence of any man, let alone one who wanted his hands all over her.

“Can we just go?” CJ laughed, “We’re going to be late for dinner.”

“By all means,” laughed Abdul, “we can’t let CJ go hungry.” They all laughed when she rolled her eyes at him.

“Careful, I’ll make you pay for dinner.” She grinned, grabbed her jacket, and led them out of her apartment and toward the subway station.

“So you’re the girl CJ spent the summer in Qumar with?” Toby looked at Anisah over the table, watching her reactions to his questions. CJ had never finished telling him the whole story about that summer and he wondered if he could get it from her. But it didn’t take long to see that Anisah would be even more close-lipped than CJ.

“Yeah,” the woman smiled, “it’s actually where Abdul and I met. I dragged him back to the States with me.”

“You did no such thing,” he laughed. “I came quite willingly.”

“Yeah, and promptly invaded my apartment,” CJ teased right back. “He’s the reason I won’t live with men.” She winked at Toby and kissed his cheek. “So blame him.”

“I do.” But Toby smiled and slipped his arm around the back of CJ’s chair. He could tell by the set of her shoulders that even though she was having a wonderful time, her heart wasn’t into the teasing. Something had happened there, something they all knew about and something none of them would talk about. It wasn’t his place to interrogate them, it was his place to get to know CJ’s best friend. And he liked Anisah, honestly he did, and Abdul seemed to be a decent guy.

CJ reached across him, snagging a piece of bread and tearing it apart. He watched her, and noticed Anisah and Abdul watching her too, and started to worry. What had happened over there? “So,” she grinned at Abdul, “how is life in the computer world?”

“Fascinating,” the man launched into a monologue about the strides Apple was making to bring computers to the general public at a truly inexpensive price.

“No …” CJ sighed, slipping her arm through Anisah’s. “I just can’t tell him. Every time I work up the courage, I just think about how it isn’t important.”

“It is important. He’s the first guy you’ve let near you since …”

“I know.” She chuckled a bit, “And it’s surprising considering the way we actually became lovers.” When Anisah raised an eyebrow, CJ just sighed. “Let’s say that I didn’t say no because, somehow, I knew that he wouldn’t hurt me.” Anisah looked at her, saw the amusement in her friend’s eyes, but more than that, the love she held for the man who had actually stopped in the middle of the street to make his point. “Toby!” CJ called, laughing, “get out of the road!” The look he threw her made all of them laugh, and he jumped out of the way of a car before his point was marred by his death.

He chased back over to CJ, slipping his arms around her waist and grinning as she kept walking, tugging him along behind her. Anisah and Abdul followed close behind as they all headed back to CJ’s apartment.

“She really loves you …” Anisah smiled as she sipped her coffee, speaking softly to avoid attracting CJ’s attention from where she was talking animatedly on the phone with someone from the firm.

Blinking, Toby looked at the other woman, searching her deep brown eyes. “She’s never said …”

“You should know by now that she’s not one for saying things like that.” Anisah shook her head. “Just, trust me, Toby. She loves you.” The conversation ended abruptly as CJ hung up the phone and came back over to the rest of the group. Toby’s eyes moved from Anisah to CJ, and he gently tugged her onto his lap.

He wondered sometimes how it happened, how her picture had made it into his small office, a small snapshot he’d taken of her in Central Park. She was laughing at something behind him, and the light glinted off her hair and the shot had been completely accidental, but he’d needed to take it and now it sat there, in a simple gold frame. Simple and elegant – just like her. He took the teasing about his girlfriend quietly, and had waited until the interns grew tired of asking about the mysterious CJ before he started having her meet him at the office for dinner, and before he started making calls to her during the work day. It helped to get him through the pages of work he needed to do when he could hear her soft sigh over the phone.

“What do you want to do tonight?”

“I have a stack of memos to read and a print that the interns screwed up to fix.”

“That’s what you have to do. I’m wondering what you wanted to do.” He chuckled at her exasperated sigh.

“What I want to do has no bearing on what I have to do tonight, Toby.”

“Yeah.” This time, it was his turn to sigh. “Call me when you’re done? I don’t care how late it is.”

“Sure.” He could hear her smiling. That was enough to put a smile on his face.

“I’ll talk to you later, Baby.” His voice was a breath across the line before he hung up and tried to turn his attention back to public education initiates. But all he could think about was her hands over his, how she wrapped her long fingers around a wine glass, and the ring he’d seen in the store window at Tiffany’s on his way to lunch today. He couldn’t afford it. Hell, he couldn’t even afford the dinner he was going to go grab in a few minutes, but he had to get it for her.

CJ stared at the phone for a minute, sighing softly. She could feel Toby’s disappointment across the city, and, as much as she hated to admit it, shared it. But she had to get these done, and she had a deadline, and the promotion she wanted was going to fly out the window if she didn’t get it done. Maybe, if she got it, they could afford an apartment together – a nice little one bedroom with a real bed and even a cable hookup. Not much, but a sense of family. Maybe, if she got this, they could actually start talking about marriage and she could go dress shopping with Anisah. Maybe, just maybe, she’d finally be able to put it all behind her and start over again. Maybe she’d finally have the courage to tell him she loved him. They spoke in glances and touches, despite their dealings in words, it was the silent communication that was the most powerful, and she knew that he loved her and she also knew that he knew she loved him back. But she wanted to say it, finally. And she wanted him to say it too. For a minute, she rubbed at the scar on her forehead, but the moment of fear passed when the interns appeared at her door, holding the latest print. Holding out her hand to them, she began to work again, her private musings left back in the recesses of her mind.

“God … Toby …” she moaned softly, arching her back as his tongue drove her closer and closer to the edge. Just as she teetered on the cliff, feeling the stars behind her eyes, he pulled back, changing pace and rhythm, pushing the envelope further, sending her higher and higher. Her fingers tightened in his hair, but he didn’t notice and she didn’t care, nothing mattered but this, as she sailed, finally over the edge, screaming his name as her entire body collapsed back onto the thin futon mattress. Her body, covered in a sheen of sweat and sex, trembled as he slowly moved up, intent on continuing his torturous love of her, and while she still trembled, whimpering for a moment to recover, he slipped a knee between her willing legs, spread them, and entered her easily, eliciting another moan and the pain of her nails digging into his back. And while she continued to tremble, he thrust in and out, sliding with her body, moaning as he poured himself into her and clinging tightly to her as he rolled to the side and pulled her into his arms and the blanket over their bodies. She snuggled up against him, still gasping, trembling, and aching. She was going to be so sore in the morning, but right now, she didn’t care. In the dim light of the room, she traced invisible patterns on his bare chest, toying with the hair there, teasing his nipples, and suddenly she just knew. She had to tell him. And she sat up and looked into his eyes. “Toby.”

He opened his eyes, knowing that this was important, and met her terrified blue gaze with his own. “What is it, Jeanie?”

Somehow, from somewhere, she pulled up the courage, knowing that in this moment he would always have her, even at her most vulnerable, shaking and trembling. “I was raped …” she said softly, looking down when she admitted it, ashamed, still, of the feelings. “That summer in Qumar.”

He couldn’t control his arms tightening around her, or the rage rising. “Oh my god …” he whispered, wondering now if all the times he’d pushed her against the desk … what about the time in his office, that first time … he wouldn’t have even heard if she said no. “Oh God … CJ …Claudia …”

Shaking her head, CJ couldn’t speak for a moment, overwhelmed by the soft use of her first name. He never called her that, ever, except in moments where not even “Jeanie” was fitting. In almost two years, she’d heard it twice. “Toby, it was a long time ago … but you’ve always wanted to know … and … I don’t like to talk about it … it was the worst way to ruin a perfect summer … and I didn’t tell anyone because I was an American girl in Qumar and according to Qumari law it was my fault and it wasn’t worth doing anything here in America. So I let it happen and then I got on a plane and came back here and tried to forget about it and I didn’t let any man touch me until you came along.” There, she’d said it. The one thing she’d been scared to tell him.

His silence stretched longer than she had the strength to count her heartbeats. Somewhere after 200, she gave up, just looking at him, and the guilt crossing his face. “Why didn’t you tell me?” He choked out, trembling, now scared to touch her. “Why didn’t you push me off of you that day, and shout “No”! Why didn’t you stand up for yourself?!”

“I wanted you to touch me, Toby. I was scared, but I wanted you to touch me. I wanted you to be the one to make his hands go away. And I … I’ve discovered myself again here, with you.” She looked at him, wishing now that she hadn’t said anything, the guilt in his eyes overwhelming her resolve. “Toby … I wouldn’t be here now if I hadn’t trusted you then.”

“Have you ever just let me … when you didn’t want to? Because you thought you had to?” He couldn’t stand the thought of her not being a willing participant. He couldn’t stand the idea of some man overpowering her and forcing her against a wall or a bed and ignoring her screams. He couldn’t bear the thought of those beautiful legs being forced apart to give way to some man who wanted to show his strength over her.

“No, Toby.” She spoke honestly. “Please, stop the guilt. Please. It’s over and done. You wanted to know about the scars, now you know. Please, stop the guilt, it’s not what I need from you right now.” Taking a deep breath, she looked back in his eyes, “I just need to hear that you love me as much as I love you.”

The simple, yet painful, admission tore his heart and he pressed his lips to hers. “God, Claudia, God … yes, I love you. I’d move the world for you if I could. I love you.” It was all either of them needed to hear and this time the kisses were gentle and tender and didn’t lead to anything but holding each other, and silently promising each other forever.

Morning came with soft rays of sunshine pushing through the rain clouds that hovered over the city. Toby watched the light come through the window, still holding as tightly to CJ as he had been when they fell asleep, mid-kiss. Taking her hand in his, he traced her lifeline, eventually holding their hands together and trying to feel the life flowing between them. Despite his best efforts, he couldn’t keep away the image of how she would have had to drag her broken body back to the States after having her soul ripped to shreds. He knew what that had to have done to her – she was strong and she was beautiful and she knows it now and she had to have known it then. And so, to counteract that feeling of terror, she’d become hard and sarcastic – always witty but the wall was hard to scale and even harder to break through. And now he knew why Anisah was so devoted to her, and he had a feeling that Abdul had a hand in saving her life. Somewhere, in the midst of his thoughts, Toby planned to thank the man personally.

“Penny.” CJ looked up into his eyes and tried to smile teasingly.

“Eh, they aren’t worth that much.” Toby chuckled and kissed her gently. “Good morning.”

“Good morning.” Rolling out of his arms, she sat up and stretched, giggling as the sheet fell away from her naked body. Without making a move to fix it, she looked over at Toby, shy despite the lack of modesty.

He reached over, gently tracing the line of her breast, down toward her navel. “It’s Saturday,” he said with a smile. “Tell me that the only reason you’re getting out of bed is to go to the bathroom …” The words were harder to say than he realized, he wanted to be able to trust himself to not hurt her. What if he did? What if something, anything hurt her? Why hadn’t he realized it sooner?

She smiled a bit, reaching down for his t-shirt and pulling it over her head. “I think we can arrange that. But first and foremost, I have to pee.” She grinned, trying to not meet his eyes, and face the guilt she still saw there. This was why she hadn’t told him, this was why she was scared to let anyone get close. He now blamed himself, even though it was he who had been the one to break her free of her fears. But it was there, out in the open. And hopefully, hopefully he wouldn’t ask any more questions. They didn’t need questions; they didn’t need to talk to communicate. They just needed each other. And she needed him to forgive himself for something he didn’t do. But she knew better than that. It was why she had waited to tell him about those ten minutes in her life. The trip to Qumar had been amazing, and she’d gained lifelong friends from it. Ten whole minutes on the last day there had put a damper on it, but she couldn’t dwell. At least, that’s what the doctors had told her. Don’t dwell on this, Claudia. You’re going to be fine, you’re going to be able to move on quite nicely.

“CJ?” She looked over at the knock on the bathroom door and wondered just how long she’d been holed up in here, staring at her reflection.

“Sorry.” Opening the door, she gave him a small smile and slipped into his arms, not minding that they tightened a bit around her. “Where’s that book?” She asked, pulling away. “We should read some.”

“You’re scattered today.” He watched her walk over to the bookshelf and pull out the tattered Shakespeare volume. The set of her shoulders was almost worrisome, she was here with him on some levels, but he could feel her starting to pull away. “CJ?”

“I’m fine, Pokey.” Trying to smile, she looked back over her shoulder at him. “Romeo and Juliet or Macbeth?”

He couldn’t help it. The laughter trickled from him as he walked across the small apartment to slip his arms around her. “You think, standing here, listening to your voice reading Shakespeare to me, that I’m going to choose anything but the greatest love story of all time?”

“And I’d think that you’d know better than to fall into that kind of a cliché.” Grinning, she leaned against him and opened to the dog-eared play she’d read a million times over the course of her life. Deny thy father and refuse thy name … words echoed in her mind as she looked down, unseeing at the page she’d turned to.

“What play are you referring to?” Toby laughed, trying to get her back, fully, with him. “I was talking about Macbeth.” It got the desired result. CJ dissolved, leaning against him while her body shook with laughter. Toby joined the laughter, holding her close. He had a million questions for her, but they would have to come later. Right now, it was about getting her back to him, back right here, in this small apartment in New York. The rest would come in its own time, and as she was ready to tell him. So he took the book, walked back toward the bed, and made some snide comment about how David could never appreciate his viewpoints on the world, especially Shakespeare, and that was the real reason that he didn’t get along with his brother.

“Yeah, and it has nothing to do with the fact that he’s the brains of the family?” She teased, settling down next to him and snagging the book from his hands, skipping through to the first page of Macbeth.

“If he were the brains of the family, he’d know that Macbeth was really a love story.” Toby grinning and took the book back.

“You say that because you love politics so much.”

“So do you.” He chuckled as she wrinkled her nose. “Yes, you do. You just hate admitting it because if you do, you’ll have to give into the guilt you feel for working in the private sector and you’ll take a real job helping to change the world. And then you couldn’t afford this apartment.”

Silence descended over the room and she looked at him, eyebrow quirked, trying to get mad. But she lost the battle and in the end just dissolved into giggles. “I hate you when you’re right.”

Toby just laughed and he was glad to hear her laughing. It made him feel like it was really okay, him being here, in her space. And so he relaxed back across the futon, but his mind wasn’t on the page in front of him, but on the friendship between her and Anisah and Abdul and he’d asked the question before he was able to stop his mouth from running away from him. “Abdul … is that how you met?”

CJ sighed softly and curled up next to him. “Yeah. He worked at the Embassy and he and Anisah had been making eyes at each other the while trip and he acted as our guide when we were out in the city and when …” she didn’t say the name … “when things happened, he was there to get me out of the street at least. Now can we not talk about it anymore? Please.”

“CJ …” he wondered if she’d ever talked about it. He didn’t know what doctors did for women in this situation, but he did know that CJ would have just wanted to deal with it on her own.

“Toby,” she took the book from him, “if you don’t stop it, I’m reading from Twelfth Night. So shut up.” The words teased him, but the tone was serious. She didn’t want to talk about it. And Toby had his answer, and he had to respect it. So he took the book back, and opened to the first page of his favorite of the love stories.

“When shall we three meet again …” he began, looking back at his girlfriend. CJ met his eyes and smiled softly, asking silently to just leave the admission behind them. He knew now. He knew the reasons, if not every moment that had happened. He knew the important thing, and that was all he needed to know. She moved, putting her head on his knee, and closed her eyes, listening to his voice.

Outside, a chill wind blew through the streets of New York, but Toby snuggled under the warm covers with CJ, holding her close while he read.