Pairing: CJ/Toby (with eventual references to CJ/Hoynes, CJ/Danny, Toby/Andi, CJ/OMC, CJ/Will Saywer, Toby/OFC, CJ/Simon, and J/D)

Timeframe: Started following Drought Conditions, but gives eventual spoilers back through the beginning of time. :-) Er, the Bartlett Administration, rather.

Rating: The entire series is being posted under “Adult”, even if the chapter isn’t, because of dark imagery, sex, language, and other … joys.

Disclaimer: These guys don’t belong to me. They may talk to me, but they are the property of NBC, of John Wells, were created by Aaron Sorkin, and I don’t get a penny for writing any of this. If anyone wants to sue, they can have my student loans, my credit card debt, and my medical bills.

A/N: I was reading a fic called "Attonement" by DaniBannani and in it, Toby called CJ "Jeanie". The idea stuck with me and I liked the nickname, so I credit her with the idea, even though I know there are others who have had similiar ideas, including the guys on West Wing.

A/N 2: I never ever put a note like this in my stories, but since some people are sensitive to it – a lot of the chapters from this point on deal with some things that happened to CJ while she was in Qumar. And there’s nothing graphic, but there are mentions of sexual and physical assault. And yes, these mentions are necessary to get to the end of the story, many many chapters from now. So, just fair warning to people.

1986 ~ Los Angeles

He raced through the corridors blindly, acting on the instinct that always pulled him toward her; the only thing louder than the beat of his heart was the constant echo in his mind. CJ. CJ. CJ.

Strong hands stopped him and he found himself looking into Tim’s accusing eyes. “God … Tim …” he choked now, seeing CJ’s entire family gathered in the small waiting room. Though the sea of faces he found Anisah and Abdul – lone allies in all of this. Tim let him go, still staring, accusing, and Toby tried, futilely, to catch his breath. Seven weeks since she’d taken the promotion, six weeks since he’d seen her last, since he’d helped her find her apartment here and then begged her to not take the job, four weeks since he’d told her, whispering into the phone in his bedroom that going to Qumar for this conference was a bad idea. Twelve hours since the phone call, Tim telling him that CJ had been flown back to the States early because she’d fallen ill at the conference. So now he looked to Anisah, begging her to tell him the whole truth. For some reason, he couldn’t face CJ’s father or brothers – his own guilt making him feel as if they blamed him for this … whatever this was.

“Come on, Toby.” Anisah exchanged a look with her husband, who nodded quietly. “Let’s get you a cup of coffee, okay?” Putting a gentle but direct hand on the other man’s shoulder, Anisah guided her friend down the hall toward the vending machines.

“What?” He could barely form the word.

Anisah just sighed, “Toby, CJ …” she looked at the floor. “She told you about Naji, right?”

Feeling his temper rise, Toby nodded. “Yes.”

“Well … Naji saw her and well … he felt that their business wasn’t done yet … and …” she sighed.

Toby’s jaw clenched, “He didn’t touch her again, did he?”

“And start an international incident?” Anisah almost laughed at the irony of her statement. Almost. But her best friend in the entire world was lying alone in a hospital bed, aching with a pain that few in the world could hope to understand. “No, he just threatened her, scared the hell out of her, and forbade her from staying in touch with Hanan, now that his younger sister is married to some jerk …” she sighed again. “No, Toby, it was the plane ride back that was the problem …”

“What happened?”

Again, Anisah sighed. “Toby …” She didn’t want to be the one telling him this.

“Ani, I swear to God, if you don’t tell me what’s wrong with CJ … !”

And in that moment, Anisah knew that Toby really didn’t know, that CJ hadn’t told him, just as she hadn’t told anyone. “Sit down, Toby.” When the man refused, she sighed and looked away for a moment, catching the eyes of her husband who had found his way down the hall to offer his support. “Toby … CJ …” taking a deep breath, Anisah prepared herself for the storm. “CJ had a miscarriage. She was almost ten weeks pregnant.”

She’d been expecting a storm, the full force of the hurricane she’d come to know as Toby to come at her, his emotions making landfall right here in the hallway. What she got was the silence of the eye of the storm, confused rage bubbling around the edges, but sheer silence in the moment. Abdul stepped closer, ready to offer support to his friend.

“I need to see her.” Toby whispered. “Please God, I need to see her.” Now he understood. Tim’s accusing eyes, Matthew’s stony glare, and the angry silence coming from Tal. “Sweet God, let me see her.”

“They –“

“It’s been twelve hours. There isn’t any reason … let me see her …” She’d been alone, aching, unable to reach him. Alone while she had to face that creep. Alone while she felt the loss of their child. She’d said she wanted to talk to him, but it would have to wait until she got back. This had been it. And now … his knees went weak. “For the love of God, why can’t I see her?”

“She lost a lot of blood, Toby. She’s going to be fine, but she needs to rest.” Abdul’s voice was soft, hesitant.

Trying to not hate Abdul for knowing more than he did, Toby shook his head. “No. Where is she?” He could feel the eyes of CJ’s family all the way down the hall. They all knew now, all of them, what had happened. They all knew that he hadn’t been there for her, but there was something else, something they knew that he didn’t. “Now, Anisah …”

“Toby …” she choked on his name, reaching out to stop him, “you can’t! She doesn’t know you’re here. Tim called you, against her wishes. She doesn’t want to see you.”

His entire world exploded.

Minutes became hours. The hospital kicked them out when visiting hours ended – CJ still refused to see him and had apparently banned Tim from the room as well once she learned her brother had been behind the call. Toby let himself into her small apartment with his set of keys, and sighed, still thinking she belonged in his place back in New York. Everything here was perfectly CJ – simple, elegant decorations, the familiar art on the wall, her favorite picture of the two of them on the wet bar counter.

Her bedroom made the ache worse. He touched her suits, the bedspread, and stopped cold when he came across a piece of paper, a lab printout – the result of a pregnancy test. Positive.

Shaking, he picked up the paper, slowly tracing his fingers over the only evidence of their child. The date showed she’d know about this only a couple of days before she’d left. He knew she’d have wanted to tell him in person. It was just how she was.

One word: positive. A small life they’d created together. When? That night in Central Park when he’d rolled her back onto the blanket, her skirt riding up over her hips as they’d moved in time to the sounds from the nearby concert? Or the next morning when she’d surprised him with a fresh bagel from the deli down the street? Ten weeks. Maybe the time they’d let the candles burn to stumps while they made love over and over again on the rugs covering the hardwood of her apartment floor, or any of those times they’d both been late to work because he hadn’t been able to keep his hands off of her. Each time from those past few weeks echoed in his memory – the night she told him she’d accepted the job in LA, the night he’d begged her, pleading, to stay. Any of those moments could have been the moment they became parents. He thought of signs, tried to place anything he could have noticed, but she’d moved to LA seven weeks ago, and if there was anything different, she hadn’t told him.

And now, now it was over before it ever began. And he hadn’t been there for any of it. And now, now she didn’t even want him here.

He waited, holding his breath while the key turned in the lock. Anisah’s soft voice came gently through the door, warning him. And when he saw her, Toby forgot to breathe. On the outside, she looked normal, but he could feel the loss inside, could sense the emptiness, and the way she looked at him with those dull eyes made this reality hit him all over again.

When she saw him, sitting there on her couch, like she knew he would be, she didn’t know what to say, how to even greet him. How could he look at her like that, so loving and accepting when she’d lost their child? How could he still love her when she’d failed him so terribly? And he was holding that damned report, that piece of paper that meant her life was never going to be the same again. She felt the fight leaving her, but she couldn’t face him either.

“I’ve got it from here, Anisah.” He said softly. And when CJ didn’t argue, the other woman just nodded, hugged her best friend, and slipped out of the apartment. Toby moved over, starting to help CJ to the couch. “Hey.” he said quietly, reaching out to at least touch her shoulder. When she winced at the contact, he pulled back.

“Hey.” Refusing to make eye contact, CJ just started at the now abandoned lab printout. The only evidence, save for the scarring in her uterus, that they’d ever had a child.

“You need anything?” He needed to reach her, somehow. God, CJ, he pleaded, talk to me.

YOU! She wanted to scream. Just hold me! But instead she just shook her head. “I’m just tired, Toby. I think I should go lie down.” Pushing herself away from him, she limped to the bedroom and closed the door behind her, only then allowing the silent tears to come, letting the humiliation wash over her.

Outside, Toby sat, and waited.

The creak of the doorknob jolted him awake and he looked over to see her standing in the doorway to her bedroom, her arms wrapped around herself. “The couch is uncomfortable, Toby …” she almost whispered, “you don’t have to hide out here …”

“I didn’t want to push you …” he hadn’t moved, save for opening his eyes and turning his head to face her. “You didn’t even want me here …” He tried, and failed, to keep the hurt from his voice.

“Toby … just … come to bed and you can grumble and yell at me there. But I just need you to hold me right now.”

Her saying the words melted the ache in his heart – well, mostly. But before his next breath she was in his arms and he was carrying her back to the bed, snuggling down next to her under the covers, and holding her tightly while they both cried themselves to sleep.

Dawn broke, bathing her in soft, perfect light, showing him all of his failures. Today the gentle light only emphasized that even in the few weeks they’d been apart, the distance was too great to bridge. Dawn broke today with her across the room, staring at the sheet of paper, dawn broke with her not in his arms even though they were together.

“I’m sorry.” CJ’s voice had lost something since the last time they’d talked, when she’d promised to kiss Anisah for him.

“It’s not your fault, CJ …” sleep clouded his brain, but he knew what she was referring to. He didn’t understand how she could blame herself when he had that area covered.

“Yes, Toby …” sighing, she looked at him, her hazel eyes full of tears. “I … I wanted to get an abortion anyway. I just … a baby now … with us on opposite sides of the country … I wanted an abortion. I sat there on that plane, wondering how I could tell you … if I’d do it … I…” tears spilled down her cheeks. “That’s why I didn’t want you at the hospital. I hadn’t ever told you about the baby, and already it was gone.”

“God … CJ …” Out of bed and at her side, he could only slip his hands into hers. “CJ, Baby, it isn’t your fault. It …” Her crumpling of the test stopped him. Her perfect aim sent the ball of paper sailing into the wastebasket. “Jeanie?”

“No, Toby. It can’t … just … go back to New York. Please.” She wouldn’t look at him anymore. She couldn’t. “Go back to New York and change the world. I’ll stay here and change … something. Anything …” CJ also knew he wouldn’t go, and it was why she said it to him, and he knew it. And the words got the desired effect. His temper exploded as he pulled her into his arms and kissed her and told her he loved her and that it didn’t matter anymore now. All that mattered was that she was okay and that they were together right now, and that any decisions they would have made weren’t worth worrying about because someone else had made the choice. It didn’t matter; it was okay.

But for CJ it wasn’t okay, and even if he tried to tell her that it was, it wasn’t. It couldn’t be. It never would be. Nothing would ever be the same again. She’d never wanted children, but now, now that they told her the scarring was bad enough that she’d probably never conceive again, now that it wasn’t even a choice, she couldn’t do this to him. He wanted children, she knew that. She knew how good of a father he would be and she couldn’t give it to him anymore. She had already proved that she couldn’t even carry a child, and now she couldn’t conceive one. And as he rocked her, trying to calm himself more than her, as she held onto him as tightly as he held onto her, she knew she had to send him back to New York for the final time. He needed to find someone he could have that full life with. She just wasn’t that woman. And as she clung to him, wanting nothing more than to listen to the words she’d manipulated out of him, she knew that she had to break both of their hearts. She couldn’t keep that promise she’d made to herself just those few weeks ago, the silent promise to never leave his arms. She couldn’t stay with him forever, not when she was only half a woman.