Pairing: CJ/Toby (with eventual references to CJ/Hoynes, CJ/Danny, Toby/Andi, CJ/OMC, CJ/Will Saywer, Toby/OFC, CJ/Simon, and J/D)

Timeframe: Started following Drought Conditions, but gives eventual spoilers back through the beginning of time. :-) Er, the Bartlett Administration, rather.

Rating: The entire series is being posted under “Adult”, even if the chapter isn’t, because of dark imagery, sex, language, and other … joys.

Disclaimer: These guys don’t belong to me. They may talk to me, but they are the property of NBC, of John Wells, were created by Aaron Sorkin, and I don’t get a penny for writing any of this. If anyone wants to sue, they can have my student loans, my credit card debt, and my medical bills.

A/N: I was reading a fic called "Attonement" by DaniBannani and in it, Toby called CJ "Jeanie". The idea stuck with me and I liked the nickname, so I credit her with the idea, even though I know there are others who have had similiar ideas, including the guys on West Wing.

A/N 2: I never ever put a note like this in my stories, but since some people are sensitive to it – a lot of the chapters from this point on deal with some things that happened to CJ while she was in Qumar. And there’s nothing graphic, but there are mentions of sexual and physical assault. And yes, these mentions are necessary to get to the end of the story, many many chapters from now. So, just fair warning to people.

Book excerpts from The Cat’s Eye written by Margaret Atwood, published 1989.

“Dear Toby,

Maybe I’m chickening out by doing this in a letter, but I can’t trust myself to speak right now.

I’m sorry. It’s only been a week since I sent you back to New York, and I know now that it is the biggest mistake of my life. And I know that you are hurting too, and I’m sorry. God, I’m sorry.

Seeing you just ... Toby, I can’t put into words the guilt that I feel. And seeing you brought this wall up. I’m so busy blaming myself for this that I just can’t let you love me right now. If I could, I’d be there in New York. And I do know that it was a mistake to send you back.

I love you, Toby. I love you so much that I loose myself just at the slightest touch and I can’t afford to loose that kind of control right now. That’s why I sent you back. I have to focus on saving my career, moving on, and being the woman that a professional woman is supposed to be. But I love you.

Please, if you can ever forgive me for wanting to abort our child, for loosing our child … you know where I am.

All my love,

Jeanie

“Well, CJ, you’re healing well, at least physically.” Her doctor gave her a soft smile as she came back into the room after CJ had finished dressing again. “How are you handling it, though?”

“How am I supposed to be handling it?” She tried not to lash out at the other woman.

“Women obviously deal with miscarriages in a lot of different ways. I just want to make sure that you’re okay, and that you are allowing yourself to grieve. Your body has gone through a lot – and I don’t just mean this – and women from both our generations are just supposed to suck it up and be a superhero. It’s really not fair, or good for us. So, really, are you all right?”

No! CJ wanted to scream. I’m not! My life was taken from me twice in Qumar! How do I deal with that?! “I think I’ll be okay. Really. Thanks, doc.”

The doctor looked at her patient and frowned. No, really, this one wasn’t okay. “CJ, did you ever receive counseling after your rape?”

She blinked. “What?”

“After you were attacked – a time where your medical care was actually not the best, by the way – after you were attacked did your doctor refer you to a counselor?”

No. He unraveled all my years of education, reinforced that it was all my fault, and then sent me on my way. “No, but in Qumar …”

“In the States there are plenty of counselors, though. I’m going to give you the name of a woman who can help you with the fallout of both of these tragedies. Seriously, I think it would do you some good to have someone to talk to.” The doctor wrote out the name and then smiled, handing the paper over to CJ. “Good luck, Claudia Jean.” CJ just nodded and started at the number.

The phone was ringing when she got home and she lunged for it, praying it would be who she wanted it to be. “CJ Cregg.”

“I’ll always love you too, you know.”

4 Years Later – June 1990

She searched the crowd at LaGuardia for that familiar head of curly hair and a smile lit her eyes. He hadn’t changed – no, he had. He was thinner now and there was less hair on top of his head, but the beard was thicker and it looked good on him. The picture he’d sent of him at David’s wedding hadn’t done him justice.

God she looked amazing. She hadn’t had any weight to loose, and yet somehow she seemed trimmer. Her long hair was shorter now, and styled into a loose perm. The curls trailed down toward her shoulders, framing her face perfectly. Those damned blue eyes caught his soul and he just smiled. “Jeanie!” He never shouted, and he knew that she’d seen him already, but he needed to call her name.

“Tobus!” Laughing, she dropped her bags and let him sweep her into an embrace that literally took her off her feet. Their lips met mere seconds later and she wondered how on earth she’d lived without this very part of herself. Four years since they’d been this close to each other – and it was as perfect as it had always been.

When he finally let himself pull back for a breath of air, he reached for her garment bag while she again picked up her carry-on. “Is this all you have?”

“Yeah. Since I’m only here until Tuesday morning.” She slipped her hand into his – wondering where the past four years had gone. There had been others for both of them – she was still washing the scent of her most recent mistake out of her sheets. But this, this was perfect. Why had she pushed him away?

The door to his apartment wasn’t even locked before he pushed her roughly against the wall, pinning her arms above her head as he attacked her mouth with a savagery that frightened him for a moment. He didn’t want to force her, to push her, and when he pulled back and saw her flushed cheeks and wide eyes, he released one arm and stroked her cheek, softening. But in her eyes, he also saw trust, and he knew that she wanted him to take her, to reclaim her as his, and so he captured her mouth again and slid one leg between her own and like he had six years ago, took her right there against the wall, her skirt up around her waist, his own pants just unzipped. And he knew that his zipper chafed her, and he knew that her own climax was as powerful as his.

“God …” she whispered as he pulled out and smoothed her skirt down. She just kicked her panties out of the way and moved over to the futon, leaving a trail of clothes in her wake. Toby watched her, growing hard again as she reclined against the old mattress, only wearing a smile and the come hither look he’d fallen in love with so long ago. He approached her slowly, keeping her gaze with his own until he was on top of her, naked and pressing into her forcefully, unable to tame the urge of claiming her, of letting her know that she wasn’t going to get away so easily this time. And again the sex was hard and forceful and he actually bruised a nipple when he bit down as he came. She cried out and trembled under him and while he coaxed her down from their mutual high; he kissed at the bite marks on her breast and murmured apologies into her alabaster skin.

CJ whimpered slightly as his lips covered her swelling nipple. But his tongue licked gently, soothing the pain. His apologies were in the kisses on the sensitive skin and in how his fingers stroked across her stomach. Someday she’d be able to get it through his thick skull that with him she didn’t mind it rough. She trusted that even if she ended up with a small bruise or two, that he’d never actually hurt her. Ever. But she let him lathe attention on her breasts and gently stroked her fingers through the curls at his neck. And when he finally looked up at her, his eyes a cloudy mixture of desire and longing and apology, he leaned up to kiss her again, murmuring “I love yous” against her lips as he again took her body underneath his and this time the love was gentle and healing and they slept afterward, wrapped tightly around each other.

He watched her dress for the party, knowing that she was teasing him as she pulled the thigh high stockings up her legs. Still needing to finish dressing himself, he just walked over to her and fastened the stockings into place with the delicate garter clasps. And then he turned her so her hands could grip the chair and he pushed her panties aside and he took her right there, sliding into her and controlling the movements of her hips with his hands. At a party full of political types and lecherous businessmen, they would know that she was his - at least for tonight and the weekend. And then Monday she would go into the New York EMILY’s list office for a tally of the funds raised and meet with the political director and setup a new strategy for LA and then on Tuesday morning she would leave him again. He knew that when her feet hit the ground again in LA, she would no longer be his but would move on to steal the heart of the next man who dared to look into those deep, perfectly blue eyes. But how many men actually ventured into the depths – how many broke past the wall and learned of the secrets she hid behind the sparkle that never left her eye. How many dared?

“Toby!” She cried his name, begging for release.

He knew none of them would even try, would even dare. He had been the first, and he had learned that once a person ventured down into the pools of her eyes that there was no coming back. He would always be hers, no matter where in the country they found themselves. And he would find another woman, and he would always be thinking of CJ while he made love to someone else. “Jeanie …” he moaned, loosing himself in the movements. She climaxed around him, her knees buckling, and he caught her and held her against his body. He’d never let her fall.

“Step away from the bar.”

He chuckled and handed her a manhattan. “Not fair.”

“No. And you hiding over here isn’t either. Come on, there are a few people I want you to meet and then you can come back here and sulk. But I didn’t slave away to help Amy put this fundraiser together only to have you hide in the back. You’re going to be working with some of these people eventually, Toby. You need to mingle.”

“I don’t mingle. That’s why I have you.”

“Toby.” There was no room for argument in her voice and he sighed and followed her over to a small circle of men and women. CJ touched the arm of someone and smiled as the tall redhead turned and smiled. “Andi, this is the man I was telling you about. Toby, this is Andrea Wyatt. She’s running for City Council in Baltimore.”

He couldn’t take his eyes off the woman. CJ was standing less than a foot from him, and he couldn’t stop staring at this beautiful woman with amazing green eyes. “Toby Zeigler,” he murmured, shaking her hand, “and good luck in Baltimore. You’ll need it.”

“Toby!”

Andi just laughed. “No, he’s being honest, for which I totally respect him. And I do need the help, which is why I’m up here tonight.”

CJ conceded the point with a chuckle as she took a sip of her manhattan. Toby was still watching Andrea, and it unnerved her. He wasn’t hers to claim anymore, no matter the antics that had been taking place in his apartment since she came to town, but she was also standing less than a foot from him. He could at least take his eyes off of Andrea. Suddenly she felt plain again, and took a step back, smoothing her dress down over her flat stomach. Andrea was curvier, and her hair was a natural red, and she knew already that her temper was a perfect match for Toby’s. Toby would find no reasons for guilt with Andrea. She took another step back, and allowed herself to be caught by one of the senators from New York. It was easier than she thought to turn her back on Toby and the eyes he didn’t realize he was making at Andi Wyatt. Suddenly Tuesday couldn’t come fast enough. She knew that look on Toby’s face.

“What are you reading?”

Dawn had broken with her in his arms and after the room was full with natural light and she was sure she couldn’t sleep anymore, CJ had pulled aside and reached for the book she’d brought on the trip. Since leaving New York the first time, she hadn’t been able to pick up an Anne Rice novel, so her time was now spent scouring Margaret Atwood and Toni Morrison.

“Cat’s Eye. Margaret Atwood’s new book.”

“Page one.” He said, smiling. It was an old game of theirs, to randomly choose a page of the book the other was reading, and have it read. And when she started reading, chills crept up his spine. How could this woman be able to describe their relationship so perfectly?

“Time is not a line but a dimension, like the dimensions of space. If you can bend space you can bend time also, and if you knew enough and could move faster than light you could travel backward in time and exist in two places at once.”

If he could travel back in time … he could save her from that miscarriage. He could save her from Naji.

“It was my brother Stephen who told me that, when he wore his raveling maroon sweater to study in and spent a lot of time standing on his head so that the blood would run down into his brain and nourish it. I didn’t understand what he meant, but maybe he didn’t explain it very well. He was already moving away from the imprecision of words.” CJ had read this first page over and over again when she’d picked up the book, feeling the words literally slap her, feeling herself slide back through time, back past her time in New York and back past college and back to sitting in the living room with her older brothers while they talked about math and science and argued around her in phrases she didn’t understand. But she had listened attentively to every word, every number they had uttered. Better that than listen to her mother’s cries of pain as the cancer ate her alive. Better that than listen to her father talking to yet another new girlfriend – they’d come along so quickly after her mother’s death. Reading this she slipped back, listening to her father’s excitement over math and telling her why she should feel passionate, even if she didn’t always understand it.

Toby’s hand moved up her bare back as she read, his fingertips barely grazing her spine.

“But I began to think of time as having a shape, something you could see, like a series of liquid transparencies, one laid on top of another. You don’t look back along time but down through it, like water. Sometimes this comes to the surface, sometimes that, sometimes nothing. Nothing goes away.”

His fingers paused at the small of her back and then continued their up and down motion on her spine. “The page you are on.” Could she feel the shivers in his body as she read?

“I knew this woman must have been a girlfriend, or an ex-girlfriend, and I was furious with her. It didn’t occur to me that she might have reason. I hadn’t yet encountered the foreign hairpins left in the bathroom like territorial dog pee on snowy hydrants, the lipstick marks placed strategically on pillows. Jon knew how to cover his tracks, and when he didn’t cover them it was for a reason. It didn’t occur to me that she must have had a key.” CJ shivered suddenly, wondering what she would find if she went searching in Toby’s bathroom. Closing her eyes briefly, she could still see the way he was looking at Andrea. What would happen the next time she came out to New York? Who would have a key then? Who had one now? “ ‘She’s crazy,’ I said. ‘She should be in a bin.’ I did not pity her at all. In a way I admired her. I admired her lack of compunction, the courage of her bad manners, the energy of simple rage. Throwing a bag of spaghetti had a simplicity to it, recklessness, a careless grandeur. It got things over with. I was a long way, then, from being able to do anything like it myself.”

Toby took the book from her, closed it, and closed his lips over hers. It was too close, too personal. They didn’t need to keep playing the game. And it wasn’t until she was gasping his name as he worked his lips over her sex that he started to wonder exactly what game they were playing.

She sighed for at least the tenth time since taxi and takeoff. She’d never get used to coach seats, and at the moment she still couldn’t afford first class tickets.

“Either you’re having the same problem I’m having, or you’d rather just get off the plane. Either way, I hope it’s not because I smell or something.”

CJ blinked and looked over at the voice, the other passenger in her row. At least he had the aisle seat and could stretch his legs a bit more, but one look told her he definitely had the same problem that she did. “No, you don’t smell.” She chuckled. “And I think we have the same issue. They don’t make coach seating for people with legs.”

He laughed. “Will Sawyer. And thank you for telling me that I don’t smell.”

“Is it a common problem?” She tilted her head and gave him a grin.

“Well, I wouldn’t know, but I seem to have a problem with getting people to sit next to me, so I assume it’s my body odor.”

CJ just cracked up. “CJ Cregg. And no, again, you don’t smell. But if you like I can sit next to you and reassure you.”

“As much as I’d like that, Ms. CJ Cregg, I think that our legs would battle with each other. And it’s a long flight and I don’t want to have to kill you by the time it’s finished.” They both laughed and CJ leaned across the seat to talk more to him, forgetting all about her book and the Kate Bush tape she’d been planning on listening to in order to pass the time on the way to LA.

“Hello, Beautiful.”

“How did you know that it was me?” She kicked off her heels and collapsed onto the couch, not wanting to think about the unpacking she had to do. Will’s number burned a hole in her pocket and she wanted instead to call him – even if it would make her seem desperate.

“Do the time difference math, Jeanie.” Toby chuckled and stretched out across his futon. She was the only person, ever, who could wake him at any hour of the night and he wouldn’t mind.

“Sorry. I had to go to the office as soon as the plane landed so I just got in. I’ll let you sleep.”

“No, it’s okay. I … I wanted to talk to you anyway. We really didn’t talk much before you left.” He choked a bit.

“Is this the ‘where are we going from here’ conversation?”

“It needs to be. Because I want to know if what happened in my apartment stays here or if it follows you back to LA. I’ll make the flights and make it work, just like I promised to four years ago, but we need to know where we’re going and we avoided the conversation all weekend.” He was never this direct with her, but he had to know. He needed to know if he was going to allow himself to move on, or if he would stay right where he wanted to be – in love with her.

“Toby, I …” she really didn’t want to do this right now. She was tired and her feet hurt and she hadn’t eaten since he had practically force fed a bagel to her before her plane took off.

“I’m not hanging up this phone until you tell me where you want us to go, CJ.” He tried to not let his voice crack. With every protest, every hedging comment, he could feel the walls back up around her heart. She wasn’t going to let herself get hurt again and a long distance relationship meant time and commitment and pain. And he hated the thought of causing pain in any kind of fashion. “Or I’ll just tell you what you’re already telling me …” he whispered as she just sat there.

“Toby, I love you.” CJ could feel the tears welling up in her eyes. “But I.. I can’t. Not with us on opposite ends of the country like this … it hurts too much to say goodbye to you.”

He choked a bit. “So don’t. Come back here …”

“I can’t. And you know it so stop asking.” She closed her eyes. Why did he always have to do this to her? “Toby, I … the past four years have proved that we can be friends. Maybe that’s what we need to be, what we were meant to be.” Behind her closed lids she could still see the way he’d stared openly at Andrea Wyatt. But her voice was cracking as she said the words and she knew that he’d be able to tell it wasn’t what she really wanted. But then again, neither of them knew what they wanted. Maybe they never had.

“Jeanie …” he heard the catch in her voice and watched the walls get higher. She’d break this off and they’d continue to be friends, and she would date again and have her heart broken but it would be okay for her because she’d never let them in. And he wouldn’t be there to protect her from someone who would be too rough with her. He would just be waiting for the phone to ring at 3 AM again after a one night stand had been just rough enough to make the past come crashing back down around her ears and he would feel guilty because he couldn’t fly out there and save her. He didn’t want it to end like this, over the phone. But he wondered if it was the only way for them to end it. They’d never be able to break it off if they were looking into each other’s eyes. “Yeah …” he couldn’t argue with her about this.

“Toby, really … we can’t just keep tugging at each other like we have been. We can be friends and write inane letters to each other and call each other at all hours of the night drunk and agonizing over lost love. But I can’t do this long distance right now. I just can’t. I love you too much and I can’t put my heart through that. I can’t.”

“You mean you won’t.”

“I won’t.”

“I love you, Jeanie.” He couldn’t say anything else, so he hung up and rolled over on his futon and stared out the window until the sun rose over the Hudson. Dawn broke without her in his arms.

Washington, DC~ 2005

“CJ?”

She sighed and looked up from the file she was reading through. She really wanted to know why she’d hired this guy again. Oh yeah, because her former boss and mentor had told her that she couldn’t live without him. “What is it, Margaret?”

“Congresswoman Wyatt is here to see you. She doesn’t have an appointment, but –“

“It’s all right, go ahead and send her in.” She closed the file and stood as the Congresswoman entered the room. “Andi.”

“CJ.” The women regarded each other with the discomfort they’d held for years. It wasn’t until Margaret closed the door, granting them privacy, that Andi sat and spoke. “I’m sorry all of this is coming out …”

“Are you?” She regretted the words the instant they were out of her mouth. “Let me take that one back. I know you are.”

“I wasn’t this guy’s source.”

“None of us were. It’s a tabloid author who broke the law by breaking into homes and finding things that were private. But proving that in a court of law is going to be damned near impossible so we just have to suck it up and hope that the book gets ignored.”

“Have you read any of it?”

“I know enough.” CJ sighed. “Andi, it’s only going to give truth to the rumors …”

“It’s more you than me that I’m worried about, CJ. I forgave the two of you a long time ago.” Had she?

“Did you?” CJ regarded her carefully. “Did you, really, forgive us?”

“CJ?”

“I know how much Toby loves his children, Andrea …” Where was this coming from? She couldn’t do this, not here, not in her office, and it wasn’t fair to Andi. “You know what, never mind. I’m sorry, it’s not my place.”

“No, CJ, it’s not. There are some parts of Toby that don’t belong to you, even now. And when you finally understand that, life will be easier for all of us.” The words were hauntingly familiar – an echo of what she’d thrown back years ago, right before she and Toby had married.

“In the interest of full disclosure, Andi, those parts are again mine.” CJ tried to not glare at the other woman. Andi felt her mouth go dry. She’d known of the one night stands over the years of the administration between her ex-husband and his best friend, but it was clear from the look in CJ’s eyes that this time it was much more serious than comfort sex. “And it’s not my place to even tell you that, but … it could end up looking bad. I just want you to know …”

Andi just chuckled. “No, CJ. Don’t try the platitudes. And I’m fine with it. I want Toby happy and he’s happy with you – for as happy as he can be.”

“He isn’t sad, Andi. He’s what you make of him. Don’t belittle who and what he is.” This was stupid – two grown women fighting over a man like they were still in high school. Andi felt it too and just shook her head.

“I just came by to say that I’m sorry, CJ. Really. We don’t need to fight over anyone.”

“No, we don’t.” She glanced at the clock and decided she could try and be polite. “Want to grab some lunch?” They hadn’t really been friends for years, but for the sake of peace on the Hill, CJ was willing to try. She respected Andrea as a member of congress, if not as Toby’s ex-wife.

“Sure.” Andi sighed. Maybe coming up here hadn’t been such a good idea, but she had felt the need at the time to apologize to CJ. She still did, but she didn’t know if it was for what was about to be made public, or if it was for taking Toby away from her all those years ago.

April, 1993

“Hi.”

“How is what’s his name?” He chuckled and could see her sputtering.

“How is what’s her name?” She countered, knowing full well that Andi was doing well, but not sure if she was ready to tell him that she and Will were practically living together.

He chuckled. “We can talk about everything except the people we’re dating. How was work?”

“I’m thinking about taking a job with Trinton-Day after I complete this round of my masters. I mean, all this work for political polling and I could get a job with any of the polling organizations in DC, but something just tells me that Trinton is the way to go.”

“They have all those high powered California political accounts. Have you ever wondered why the State of California is broke? They pay people like you way too much money.”

She laughed. “EMILY’s list isn’t paying back the student loans, Tobus.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean.” He sighed and put his feet up, looking across the room, through the stacks of boxes. “But, seriously. I need to give you something.”

“What’s that?” She sipped at her wine and wondered if and when Will was coming over tonight.

“My new address. I’m moving to Baltimore.”

She coughed, spitting wine across the kitchen. “You’re what?”

“Andi and I …yeah.”

The coughing stopped. He … she’d known that he’d been seeing Andrea for a while, on and off since that party three years ago, and seriously over the past year, but didn’t realize how serious it had become. “You’re moving in with Andi.”

“Actually, I asked her to marry me.” Argue with me, CJ, he begged silently. Tell me that it’s a bad idea. Give me a reason to back out of this and move these boxes to LA. As much as he loved Andi, and he wanted to make it work, there was a different ring buried in these boxes – a ring meant for CJ’s finger.

She coughed again, closing her eyes. She couldn’t do this, she couldn’t believe this. “Congratulations. You know, you could have told me you two were getting so close.”

“I hate talking about my other girlfriends with you. You hate talking about your other boyfriends with me. So how are you and Will?”

She sighed. “He’ll be here, maybe, tonight. He’s working late, trying to meet a deadline before they ship him off to Iraq to cover what’s going on out there. You really should have told me that you and Andi were that close. How did you propose?” Damnit, she’d enjoy the fact that he was happy. She’d told him to stay in New York. She had told him that she couldn’t handle it. She couldn’t blame him for falling in love with someone else.

“You’ll think I’m corny.”

“I already do, I …” she stopped herself from saying ‘I know what you’re like when you’re in love’. “How did you propose?” “Top of the Empire State Building.” He was smiling, in spite of himself. He did love Andi, and he was glad she’d said yes.

“God, Tobus. I can’t believe it.” She laughed and went to pour another glass of wine. “When do you move?”

“As soon as I can find a place, or the end of the month. Whichever comes first. Andi is running for Congress, so it just won’t do to have me living with her.” It actually felt good to talk about her with CJ … even if he still wanted her to argue with him.

“Don’t end up living out of your car, Toby. That will look even worse.” CJ couldn’t help but laugh. “I can see the headline now ‘Congresswoman found in passionate embrace with homeless man.”

Toby cracked up. “Who knows, it might go a long way to boosting the polls. She’s going to win, CJ.” The pride was evident in his voice.

“I know. I still work for EMILY’s list. I know exactly where her numbers are. And I’m very impressed.” She wanted Will to open the door and walk in and save her from this conversation. Tomorrow she’d be okay, but now she wanted to finish the bottle of wine and fuck her boyfriend senseless and not think about how she’d let the best thing in her life fall in love with another woman. Suddenly she wanted nothing more than to just take the job and Trinton-Day and get it all over with and move away from politics.

A key turned in the lock and she breathed out. Thank god. “Hey, Toby, Will just got here so I should go. I’ll call you tomorrow. And congratulations. I love you, Sweetie.”

“I love you too, Baby.” He sighed as he hung up. Andi would never have that term of endearment or be able to make him smile just by calling him “sweetie”. But he was making the right decision, he knew it. Now he just needed to convince his heart of it.

For her part, CJ just pounced on Will as he walked through the door and let him have his way completely with her.

One Month Later

She wanted to say that it was the ringing of the phone that woke her, but truth be told, she hadn’t been asleep, not fully. Toby had been restless all night, saying that he felt like something was wrong. So she listened to him write and pace while she tried, futilely, to sleep. When the phone rang, she leapt for it, wondering who the hell would be calling at such an out, but then she remembered. Toby had given her number to CJ – in case of an emergency, he said. In case he wasn’t at his place and she needed to get a hold of him. But something told Andi this wasn’t an emergency, and she picked up the phone as he did, and held her voice when she realized her fears, that it was CJ on the other end. Toby had reached it first and they were already deep in conversation. Feeling guilty despite her anger, Andi listened.

“What’s wrong?”

“What makes you think that something is wrong?” CJ choked through a thick drag on a cigarette – her first in years.

“It’s two AM and you’re smoking. Baby, what is it?” Toby ran his hand through his thinning hair, trying to banish all the reasons that CJ would be sounding this panicked from his mind. It had to be serious if she was waking him up and not Anisah.

CJ sighed and wiped the tears from her eyes. “I made a mistake tonight is all. Took a guy home, hoping to forget that Will decided we could see other people while he was in Iraq.”

Toby bristled, “He didn’t hurt you, did he?”

“God, no, Toby. But it was just a mistake. And now I feel cheap and used and …”

“And you called me so that I can reassure you that you aren’t cheap or easy and that you most certainly aren’t a whore.”

“Shut up.”

“Has it worked yet?”

CJ giggled a bit. “Not really.” Stubbing out the cigarette, she just stared skyward, listening to the wind through the trees.

“What really happened, CJ? One night stands don’t make you feel this way.”

She sighed softly. “I don’t know, I just …”

“What is it?” Toby settled on Andi’s living room couch, thinking how soon it would be his living room couch, and listened to the breathing of his ex-girlfriend on the phone. “Baby, what is it?”

In her bed, Andrea Wyatt stifled a jealous scream. Toby had never once called her “Baby”, and yet twice here in this conversation with CJ, he’d whispered the name to her like they were still lovers.

“He touched my ankles, Toby.”

“Before I figure out what position the two of you were in so that he would be touching your ankles, can I remind you that therapy is a good thing and maybe you should try it.”

“Toby!”

“CJ, it’s okay. Really. And you know that.”

“I do. I just … needed to hear your voice.”

“Was he any good?” Toby sipped at his scotch, knowing the question would make her laugh.

“Not really. It was a self-satisfying experience.”

He chuckled. “Well, at least it was satisfying.” He shifted position on the couch, blocking the image of CJ touching herself. For too many years he’d listened over the phone while they’d played back and forth, while he’d told her just what he wanted to do to her while those long fingers of hers teased until she was screaming his name across the miles. When they were together he used to love watching her masturbate; watching her fingers move in and out of her body had always been a turn on for him. “How was your graduation?” He needed to change the subject.

“Wonderful. I wish you had been here.

“Me too. You’re smarter than me now, you know, what with this double-masters.”

“You’re still a lawyer, even if you don’t use the degree.”

“Maybe I should. Where are you going to be working again?”

“I’m still with EMILY’s List, although Trinton-Day is courting me. Right now I like where I am, though.”

“Careful, I’ll hire you.” He smiled when he could tell she was smiling.

“I’ll remember that. I should go, you need to sleep and Andi will kill you if …”

“CJ, you’re my best friend and I love you. And Andi knows that. You’re a part of my life.”

‘I’d rather you weren’t.’ Andi grumbled to herself as she listened to them say good-bye.

“Call me if you can’t sleep. I’ll talk the nightmares away. It’s over, Baby. He can’t hurt you anymore. He’s an entire world away.”

“Yeah. I know.”

Andi hung up only after they had, closing her eyes against the jealousy that jumped at her from the dark of the room. She had to stop this before she ended up marrying both of them.

December, 1994

“Toby,” CJ laughed into the phone, “it’s three days to your wedding! Shouldn’t you be asleep out there?”

“CJ.” Andi tried to keep the harshness from her voice, but found it impossible.

CJ blinked, completely surprised. Two in the morning was her time with Toby – but she supposed that Andrea knew that. “Andi, how are you?” She looked down at the wedding invitation on her kitchen table, an invitation she knew for a fact had been hard won from Toby. She wondered how many nights he’d been denied sex because CJ was going to show up and probably even give a speech. And she wondered exactly how smart it was for her to even be going – she didn’t know if her heart could take the actual viewing of Toby and Andrea becoming Mr. and Mrs. Zeigler. She didn’t even have a date for this thing. So she was, in three days, getting on a plane and heading to Baltimore for a two days of rehearsal dinners and wedding receptions and then a few days just to herself to enjoy DC and try to forget about Toby and Andrea locked away together in Paris or Berlin or wherever he was taking her on their honeymoon. Three days of just being a tourist and maybe hooking up with three different men. Hell, just for fun she might throw caution to the wind and check out the lesbian scene. It wouldn’t hurt her. What the hell was she thinking?

“I wanted to talk to you.”

“Obviously.” She swallowed, knowing full well what Andrea wanted to say.

“He’s not yours anymore, CJ. I don’t care if you’re still friends, but he’s not yours anymore. You can’t just call him at all hours and you can’t sit there and share things with him that I don’t know. I’m the one he’s marrying, not you. You lost out on that chance and I’m sorry, but I happen to be deeply, deeply in love with this man, and I’m tired of playing second fiddle to how much he cares about you.”

“You can’t give him that ultimatum, Andrea.”

“I know. Which is why I’m giving it to you. Back off, CJ. Those parts of him that you keep thinking are yours, they aren’t anymore.”

CJ blinked, “Andi, Toby and I have known each other for ten years. That doesn’t go away over night. But I do know how in love with you he is.”

“Yes, he is. So stop fighting it and just let me love him.” Andrea took a deep, painful breath. “Let him love me. Every time you call with a broken heart, every single time, he slips back into the world of needing you. You, not me. And he frets and worries and I can’t do anything but sit there and he doesn’t care that my own heart is breaking. You have other friends who can save you from yourself when you do something stupid, let them do that. Save Toby for me, all right?”

“Andrea, he’s all yours. But I’m not going to stop being his friend.”

“And there are parts of him that don’t belong to you anymore. I mean it. Let them go. Let him go so that he can love someone else. I don’t know your history and why you broke up, all I know is that you did and it left him scarred but every time you call like you do, it opens all of those wounds back up and I have to be the one to patch him up while you dart around like you own the world. I’m tired of it, CJ. He doesn’t belong to you anymore.”

“Toby doesn’t belong to anyone.” CJ honestly thought about reaching through the phone and strangling the woman. “For all the bitching you do about how sexist Toby can be, I think you should remember that he’s his own man and will do what he wants. And he also wouldn’t be marrying you if he didn’t, honestly, want to spend eternity with you, Andrea. So stop getting on me about your cold feet and that you’re scared about how moody he can be. Toby drinks too much, works too hard, doesn’t sleep enough, and is rough and demanding in bed. You know all of this and you love it, or you wouldn’t have agreed to marry him. And if, god help you, you agreed to marry him because it doesn’t look good politically right now to be a single woman in a high powered political position, then I suggest you rethink that rock you’re wearing. Toby doesn’t play cosmetic politics well, but you should know that, because you’re in love with him and in three days you’re going to be bonding your soul to his forever. So cut the crap, Congresswoman.” She’d have hung up, but she didn’t want to be rude.

“CJ…”

“I’ll see you both in three days, Andi. Have a good night, and try to get some sleep. Don’t worry, I won’t tell Toby that you called.” Now she did hang up, and went straight for the bottle of wine that she’d promised herself she was going to save for a special occasion. She’d buy another one before heading off to be with her family for the holidays. Right now, she needed to get drunk.

He smashed the glass under his foot and the crowd erupted into cheers. Toby took Andrea into his arms and kissed her passionately, euphoria rushing through his veins as he held his bride, his bride, in his arms. The rabbi laughed, the priest chuckled, and CJ sat, staring, not able to stop the tears. He was married and damnit, he was happy. There wasn’t anything she could do to stop it, and she didn’t want to either. He was happy. That was all that mattered to her.

She watched as they danced the first three songs together, and then Andrea’s father stole her for a dance, and CJ stole Toby. His arms tightened around her as they moved across the floor and she smiled and meant it when she told him she was happy for him. At dinner she’d given a traditional blessing – and later his sister had hugged her tightly and asked why on Earth she’d come, but also said that it was good that she had. And now they danced, one song became two, but she pulled away when that one ended, and turned him back into the arms of his wife. And after the party had cheered the happy couple on their way to Paris, CJ went to her hotel room and changed from a dress she now wanted to burn and headed down to the bar, dressed only in a pair of jeans and a tank top. She didn’t want to pick anyone up, she only wanted a drink and some relative anonymity.

“CJ Cregg, right?”

Jumping, she turned and smiled. “Senator Hoynes. It’s good to see you again.”

“I came over to say thank you for all the work that you and EMILY’s list put into my campaign.”

“Well, Senator, there were no strong female candidates,” she chuckled, meeting his soft brown eyes with her own. “And you have a decent record.”

“You wound me, Ms. Cregg.” He laughed. “You know how strongly I take my position on women’s rights in this country.”

“You’re running for President in a few years, Senator. We all know this. And EMILY’s list wants you on the ticket, but we will also hold you to the promises you’ve made.”

“I hope that you do.” He nodded to her empty glass. “What are you drinking?”

“The house red.”

“Well, another glass.” He smiled at the bartender. “And a club soda with a twist of lime, please.” The drinks appeared before them, and they toasted to his victory.

And in the morning, she curled up against his naked body, the safety of his strong arms around her marred by the coldness of a wedding ring she could feel as his hand traced patterns on her back. What had she just done? What kind of woman was she turning in to? His lips closed over hers, and his long legs twisted with hers, and she forgot the wedding ring and a wife whose name she couldn’t remember and an ex-boyfriend who was in Paris now with his new wife. Rather than fall victim to her own weakness, she gave back as good as she got, keeping the Senator in bed most of the day. And it wasn’t until she was alone again in her room, when he’d returned to his home and his life, that she purged the guilt from the night before. She hit the stores, spending money she didn’t have, she hit the Mall, not minding the cold as she walked her way up toward the Lincoln Memorial, and as she stood at the marble feet of a man she idolized, she let the tears come. But honestly, she didn’t know what she was crying for.

When she returned to her room, the message light was flashing. Reaching for the receiver, she listened to John’s husky voice telling her that his wife was still at her parent’s house in Texas and that he wanted to see her again before she left DC. He begged her to call him, that he would meet her at the bar again. It would look innocent, he was used to being seen there.

CJ stared at the buttons on the phone for a long time, wondering what she had become in such a short period of time. But she liked John, not just because of how he treated her in bed, but because of the way his eyes twinkled and how he teased her about women’s politics. She felt bad that she couldn’t remember his wife’s name, but at the moment it was actually a good thing. Part of her wondered if he’d been thinking of his wife while they’d been making love last night, but she couldn’t dwell. Did she want to see him again? She did. She’d been attracted to him since their very first meeting, and now she had the chance to act on it. And it would be over when she checked out of the hotel and headed back to California. One more night couldn’t hurt. With shaking fingers, she picked up and dialed his number.

Only some of this has to do with sex; although some of it does. Some of the boys have cars, but others do not, and with them I go on buses, on streetcars, on the newly opened Toronto subway that is clean and uneventful and looks like a long pastel-tiled bathroom. The air smells of lilac or mown grass or burning leaves, depending on the season. We walk over the new cement footbridge, with the willow trees arching overhead, the sound of running water from the creek beneath. We stand in the dim light coming from the lampposts on the bridge and lean back against the railing, their arms around me and mine around them. We lift each other’s clothing, run our hands over each other’s backbones, and I feel the backbone tensed and strung to breaking. I feel the length of the whole body, I touch the face, amazed. The faces of the boys change so much, they soften, open up, they ache. The body is pure energy, solidified light.