Pairing: CJ/Toby (with eventual references to CJ/Hoynes, CJ/Danny, Toby/Andi, CJ/OMC, CJ/Will Saywer, Toby/OFC, CJ/Simon, and J/D)

Timeframe: Started following Drought Conditions, but gives eventual spoilers back through the beginning of time. :-) Er, the Bartlett Administration, rather.

Rating: The entire series is being posted under “Adult”, even if the chapter isn’t, because of dark imagery, sex, language, and other … joys.

Disclaimer: These guys don’t belong to me. They may talk to me, but they are the property of NBC, of John Wells, were created by Aaron Sorkin, and I don’t get a penny for writing any of this. If anyone wants to sue, they can have my student loans, my credit card debt, and my medical bills.

A/N: I was reading a fic called "Attonement" by DaniBannani and in it, Toby called CJ "Jeanie". The idea stuck with me and I liked the nickname, so I credit her with the idea, even though I know there are others who have had similiar ideas, including the guys on West Wing.

A/N 2: I never ever put a note like this in my stories, but since some people are sensitive to it – a lot of the chapters from this point on deal with some things that happened to CJ while she was in Qumar. And there’s nothing graphic, but there are mentions of sexual and physical assault. And yes, these mentions are necessary to get to the end of the story, many many chapters from now. So, just fair warning to people.

1997

“Don’t go.”

He sighed for the hundredth time in the conversation. “I have to.”

“Toby …” Andrea sighed and flopped back into their bed – feeling just how cold and empty it really was without him there next to her. He’d promised to be coming home this weekend and now he was flying off to LA to talk her into working for the campaign.

“Please, Andi, don’t start. Please. I know what I promised, but you know more than anyone how campaigns work.”

“What is the difference between getting her tomorrow and waiting until Monday?” She knew the difference. She knew full well that if CJ agreed tomorrow night, then she could, theoretically, be in New Hampshire by Monday morning. If Toby waited until Monday, it could take an extra week to get her on board. But she also wanted her husband in Maryland right now, and that wasn’t going to happen and yet again, their time together was being interrupted by CJ. Andrea knew she wasn’t being fair. The reason she loved this man was because of his passion for his job, and right now he was doing what he needed to do to get a good man into the White House. But she was also a wife, feeling very neglected right now, and it was easy to blame his ex-girlfriend for it.

“I’m not justifying that with an answer, Andi.”

She sighed. “Yeah.” Running a hand over her still flat abdomen, she offered up a prayer that her period wouldn’t come like it was supposed to this week.

“I’ll call you tomorrow, Sweetheart. I love you, Andi.”

“I love you too, Toby.” She sighed as she replaced the receiver and wished again, that he wasn’t going to go.

“CJ, you fell into the pool there!” He honestly had to bite his lip to keep from laughing out loud. God, she was so damned cute when she was flustered. And she’d kill him for even thinking that.

“I can’t see!” She cried out, frustrated, as if the realization of being fired was sinking in while her hundred dollar shoes sank to the bottom of the pool. Swimming forward, she looked up, only seeing the blob that was Toby, but she could tell he was smirking. “Avert your eyes.”

“What?” He coughed, not quite sure he’d heard right.

“Avert your eyes. I am climbing out of the pool now and my clothes will be clingy.” She fumbled her way to the stairs in the pool, already hearing his argument.

“CJ, I didn’t come here too—“

“Avert your eyes!” He did, turning, trying not to laugh, and knowing that while his trip here was purely professional, part of him had come here just for that reason, just to see her in as little as possible and to feel her moving under him. He heard her climb out and knew she was wrapping her clothes around herself as much as possible, when he also heard the resignation in her voice, “Oh, turn around.” He did and chuckled. CJ rolled her eyes at him and stormed toward the small pool house, trying to ignore the natural reaction her body had to his. He was married now, something she had done her best to learn to respect. Wasn’t staying in LA when she had bigger and better possibilities in DC and New York a good enough sign of faith? Did Andi know he was here? Four nights ago, when he’d left that cryptic message on her machine, she had known that Andi was there and that they couldn’t talk. That meant they were still trying to work things out. And she might be blind, but the sun reflected off his wedding ring.

“I tried calling you at your office.” His tone faltered a bit, moving from amusement to worry. “They said you’d been fired.”

Grabbing a towel, she ran it over herself, through her hair, “Roger Becker fell from second most powerful person in Hollywood to ninth most powerful person.” She talked over his interruption. “They take it seriously!” She hated talking about this failure to him. It made her want to drag him inside and have him help her forget just how badly she’d screwed up. So she just looked at him, demanding, expecting. What the Hell was he doing here?

And he cut right to it. “CJ, Jed Bartlet is very impressed with you and part of his game plan is bringing you on as press secretary.”

He looked up as she entered the room again, dressed now in a pair of well-worn jeans with holes in the knees and an even older Berkley t-shirt that read "Liberal Girls give best on the left." Her hair now dried in tight curls and he wished the red-blonde locks were longer - the short perm wasn't as flattering as she'd hoped it would be. He could also tell just at a glance that she wasn't wearing a bra under that feminista t-shirt.

She heard him clear his throat and her eyes went to his left hand and she watched him play idly with the wedding band. "So," she sighed, "Jed Bartlett, hmm? And, knowing you, the staff is nothing but monkeys."

"I'll be sure to let McGarry know that you think he's a monkey." Toby snorted and moved to the couch rather than watch her walk around the room in those jeans. "Seriously, the staff is mostly interns, of course. The guys Leo is putting together are good though. There's a kid named Sam Seaborn who's been working for one of the law firms in New York and he's a halfway decent writer. Oh, and Leo brought in Josh Lyman." He watched as she spun around, totally surprised.

"I thought Lyman was working for Hoynes."

"Well...” Toby spread his arms, "now he's working for us. He's arrogant and --"

"So are you, Tobus." She stayed right where she was. Talking politics with Toby Ziegler was always a bad idea for her, and this time she couldn't just jump him when the topic got hot. "Tell me the basics of what I'm going to need to know, give me the briefing books, and then call Andi. At some point you need to drive me down to get my car out of the Trinton-Day parking lot."

Toby laughed and nodded, “All right. So,” he handed her the book on top, “this is most of what you need to know.” He’d tear his eyes away from her chest for now. It wasn’t fair to either of them to be flirting like this.

She nodded, opening the book and loosing herself in the work she needed to be doing. Part of her hated that she couldn’t say no to this man, but who in their right mind would turn down a chance to help get a good man elected president. Toby rattled at her, but most of what she needed was self-explanatory, and finally she just told him to go call Andi and let her read. It was easier that way, and she needed the space. And the more times she said Andi’s name in a single sentence, the easier it would be to turn off the dripping faucet of desire she felt for this man.

“Hello?”

“Hey.”

She melted back into the couch, “Hi …” Andi sighed softly, wondering exactly why it had taken so long for him to call her. All kinds of reasons raced through her head, but she had to remind herself to trust her husband and his best friend. “How’s CJ?”

“Taking the job.” It was all he could answer. He didn’t think that Andi needed to hear how great CJ looked.

“Good.” Andi groaned inwardly. How dare this woman do this to her? Why the hell couldn’t she just stay in LA, as far away from Toby as possible? But Andi also knew the answer to that, and that in the end Toby would just start finding ways to go visit. As it was, he’d been making more and more calls to her lately – and trying to hide them from her.

“You don’t really think it’s a good idea,” Toby husked into the phone, knowing full well CJ could probably hear him.

“It doesn’t matter what I think or not, Toby. If she’s the right one for the job, she’s the right one for the job. And the rest be damned.” She didn’t believe it for a second, and neither did Toby, but she had to put up a brave face and believe that her husband wasn’t going to cheat on her with his ex. Again, her hand covered her abdomen and she closed her eyes, praying. Maybe this was finally it and this irrational feeling she couldn’t shake was just her hormones starting to kick in.

“I need to go, Andi. Take it easy and I love you, Sweetheart. I’ll call later.” He barely waited for her to reply before hanging up and moving back to the living room.

CJ looked up at him, pen in her mouth. “Hey,” she took the pen out, trying to avoid his eyes while he wrestled with the issues regarding Andi. “Why don’t you follow me down to Trinton and we’ll get my car and then go grab takeout from the kosher deli down the street. On the way downtown I’ll tell you everything that your media team is doing wrong.”

Only CJ thought about Kosher for him. Even Andi forgot half the time. “Yeah.” He took the briefing book from her hands and then pulled her to her feet, trying to not focus on her chest or her hardening nipples. God, this trip had been a bad idea. Why couldn’t he have just called her?

The dinner plates rested among the briefing books and CJ reached across the table to snag a piece of meat from Toby’s plate. The words were all starting to swim before her and she was reaching her maximum load for cramming stuff into her brain. Toby chuckled and playfully swatted her fingers away from his lamb. “That’s mine. You have your own mess on your plate.”

“Yours is better.”

Toby rolled his eyes and took her hand before she could get her fingers back to her mouth. Meeting her eyes, he just smirked as she fed the small piece of lamb to him. The spark that ran between them was palpable, but he didn’t let go of her hand until she tugged her fingers free and looked back down at the books she was trying to memorize.

How dare he. How dare he flirt with her like that when his wife was on the other side of the country? He had to know how much she wanted him right now, and how she wouldn’t, she couldn’t again betray what morals she had left. She’d already been down the guilt road with a married man and she didn’t need to do it again. “While you were getting dinner ready I called my travel agent. I’ll have a ticket. I’ll just leave the house as is until I know if I’ll have a job in January.”

“Yeah.” He didn’t blame her for changing the subject, and suddenly the ring on his hand seemed much heavier than it actually was. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t do this to CJ, to Andi, or to himself, but the erection he was glad the table was hiding just wouldn’t go away. As much as he loved Andi, was in love with Andi, worshipped Andi, CJ still held his heart and he followed where she pointed. He watched while she stood, moving to refill their drink glasses. She reached over him from behind, putting one hand on his shoulder, and he covered it with his own, looking up into her eyes and whispering her name. His fingertips ran over the length of her arm and the other hand reached up to wrap around her waist. She was right, he knew, that they couldn’t do this, but Andi was a world away, and with CJ everything was so easy. With CJ it was all perfect – passionate politics and they could share soapboxes and they communicated on the same level. A night making love to her would never solve the problems in his marriage with Andi, but it would get moments like this out of his system and maybe he could spend the rest of the campaign with her and not continue to cheat on the woman he had married.

CJ pulled back, her voice catching in her throat, but it didn’t matter. She and Toby had never needed words to communicate. So she just put the drink back down in front of him and moved back across the table from him, picking up her legal pad and trying to make notes again. Hopefully he’d get the hint and help her out – she couldn’t do this, she couldn’t let her mind wander this way. “Go over the education plan again.” Please, Toby, her voice pleaded, don’t do this to us. You know that I can’t say no to you.

Toby held her gaze before shifting in his seat, willing his body to cooperate with her wishes. He could take a shower soon and take care of business then. Right now, they needed to work. But even though her tone begged him to stop looking at her, he knew her eyes and her body and that thin shirt wasn’t hiding anything. Slowly, he stood up and moved around to her side of the table. His hands rested on her shoulders, dipping lower, until he cupped her breasts, stroking her nipples with his thumbs. CJ moaned and leaned back into him. After a long moment of guilt and self-recrimination, she took his left hand and slid his ring off. Tonight it was just them, and she would forget about Andi. “Toby …”

“Let me make love to you," he whispered.

She caught his hands again and as he leaned down, reaching for her shirt, she helped him lift it over her head. She could never say no to this man. “Let’s go to bed, Toby,” she whispered softly.

2005

“It’s past ten.”

“When do I usually leave this building?” CJ looked up at him from the book she’d been reading, the bite of the words leaving their mark in her eyes.

“Fair point. What are you reading?” He took the book from her and frowned. “How did you get this?”

“My secretary is an amazing woman.” She left it at that and just shook her head and then reached for the book.

“How bad is it?” Toby reached for her hands instead, holding them in his own. “Seriously?”

She pulled her hands free and opened to the chapter she’d been staring at for at least the last ten minutes. “The Bartlet White House is hardly the epitome of racial and feminine equality that they declare the United States should be. Looking at the staffers who fill the ranks of those closest to the President, you find only WASPy White, Jewish and Catholic men and one woman who slept her way into the inner circle. The closest the Administration came to racial equality was allowing a young Black man to wait on the President.” She took a deep breath and looked at him again.

“This was ghosted.”

“And I recognize the writing.”

“So do I. And I’d kill her myself if I could.”

“Mandy doesn’t know what she’s talking about. And some poor pool photographer is getting an armload of cash for putting his name to this because she can’t get away with openly trashing us like this.”

“Why are you telling me that she doesn’t know what she’s talking about when you’re scared that the entire world will believe what is written on those pages.”

“Because I don’t like having my personal life out there for everyone to look at Toby, and worse than just being looked at, I’m now being called a whore.”

“No one is going to pay attention to this book, CJ. It’s tabloid trash.”

CJ just handed the pages back to him, this time opened to a full color print of the two of them locked into a passionate kiss. “No one is going to pay attention to that?”

He stared, but remembered for a minute that he was communications director and this was as much his area as it had once been hers. “No. We’ll spin it if they ask and if they don’t, we pretend we haven’t seen it.” He looked at her. “It’s a non-story.” She nodded, but still looked thoroughly miserable. He knew that she didn’t believe him, but then again, he really didn’t believe himself either. “Anyway, if all you are doing is reading this trash, then let me take you home so you can get some sleep before the day hits us.”

She sighed. Margaret had already left for the night, and she was actually finished with the bare minimum of what she needed to do. The rest would wait until morning. So she just nodded, let Toby take the book and her hands, and just followed him out of the White House. Tomorrow, as Scarlet would say, was another day. And to be able to face that day, she would need her rest.

1997 CJ dropped her bags onto the spare bed in his hotel room and groaned loudly. “Toby, if we are going to be sharing any kind of living space …”

He chuckled. “Now you sound like my wife.” The words came out before he realized what he’d said and the tension in the air grew by leaps and bounds. “I …”

“Toby,” CJ moved over and put her arms around his waist, hugging him tightly from behind. “You are married, and what happened back in LA needs to stay there. It’s okay to refer to Andi in front of me … I’m your best friend, I’m not your mistress.”

He let out a soft sigh. “Thank you.” His hands covered hers and they held each other for a moment before she pulled back.

“All right, let me try to salvage a couple of things from the bottom of my suitcase and then get me down to the offices. There’s work to be done.” She turned to rescue her suits from the dress bag and then changed into a long, flowing skirt. She wanted to look at least a little professional for her first day on the job. Toby waited, patiently, not bothering to turn his head. He’d seen it before and he knew himself, he’d see it again. Soon.

“I’m going to kill him.” She closed the door to the room they shared and kicked off her shoes – one landed on the bed the other behind a chair. Toby had to duck to save himself from being impaled with a stiletto. “I don’t care if he’s going to make a good president someday. Right now, I am going to kill the bastard.”

“Why do you think I hide here?" Toby hid his face behind the legal pad he was scribbling on.

CJ chuckled and collapsed onto the bed their files and papers had claimed. It was easier to let the files have a place to reside than try to stay organized. In the three weeks since she’d joined the campaign, they’d shared a bed every night, mostly as friends. CJ was surprised at easy the transition to friends had been, even if it wasn’t always perfectly comfortable. More than once, she’d woken up to Toby’s erection pressing into her back, and his hands on her breasts. Yesterday she’d given in to her own desires and let herself wake him up with a passionate kiss. But they’d kept from repeating all the mistakes of Los Angeles, and she wanted to keep it that way. She could convince herself that it was only sleep deprivation that led them to mistakes like this morning when his fingers had slipped past the elastic of her panties and into her folds. “How’s the speech coming?”

“Better now that I’ve taken what Sam wrote and pulled it apart.”

CJ smirked. “You’re impossible, you know, right? And I know that instead of pulling it apart, you’re really finding a way to make it into the President’s voice because he’s almost as good a writer as you.”

“Don’t let that go any further than this room, Claudia Jean.” He chuckled. “What brings you up here in the middle of the day again?”

“The jerk we’re helping to get elected president.”

“He is a good man, CJ –” He stopped when the phone rang. Grumbling, he reached for it. “Zeigler.”

“Oh, thank God. You’re here.”

He blinked. “Andrea, it’s the middle of the day … what is it? Don’t you have a vote or something?”

Suddenly her own notes seemed like a good idea and CJ gathered the top three piles and started to move out of the room, letting them have some time for themselves. But Toby’s gasp stopped her cold in her tracks. “Oh God, Andi … really? Really, for real … it’s … it’s really happening? You’re pregnant?”

Anisah! I didn’t want him here! I didn’t want him to see me this way!

“Yeah, Toby, really.” Andrea’s breath still caught in her throat as she thought ahead to the next nine months. They were actually going to be parents. Maybe, just maybe, this would help to fix the problems that were going on in their marriage.

Toby held his breath, waiting for it to end. He couldn’t look up at the stiff set of his best friend’s shoulders. He knew she’d heard his whispered exclamation, and already he felt guilty for being able to share in this with Andi when he and CJ had lost so much because of the loss of their child. He blinked and the hotel room door had opened and closed, with CJ firmly on the other side. But he couldn’t chase after her now. Now he was focused back on Andi, his heart racing, and his mind racing with the possibilities of the life growing inside of her.

“Hey, CJ.”

She blinked and turned around, gracing Josh Lyman with a smile. “Hey, Josh. Tell me that you’re hiding too.”

“Yeah.” He reached out and relived her of half her stack of notebooks and papers. “Actually, I was looking for you and Toby. I thought we could plan media strategy while we all have time to hide.”

“I’ll work with you.” She shot a look back at the closed door. “Toby’s on the phone with Andrea and they’ll probably be on for a while, but I could use some lunch and a friendly face to discuss the media with.”

“What, the media aren’t friendly?” Josh grinned brightly as he fell into step with her, his own lightning fast pace allowing him to keep up with her long legs. “I mean, come on, Danny Concannon and Will Sawyer were hairs away from killing each other when they were covering the New Hampshire results. They –“

“Oh shut up, Josh.” She laughed at his schoolboy antics. “Truth be told, I have a past with Will Sawyer and even if we aren’t together anymore,” she let him hold the door to the motel restaurant open for her, “he still tends to get protective whenever other reporters are in the room.”

Without even bothering to recover from the first revelation that CJ had once been having sex with a member of the print media, he just looked at her. “Why?”

“Because he knows what reporters are like.”

Josh took the time to set the books down on the table and then looked at her, more serious than he’d been with her since she’d joined the campaign. “CJ, you … this isn’t going to be a conflict of interest for you once the press start paying more attention to this campaign, is it? I mean … you’re the spokesperson for the campaign and we can’t have you playing house with the reporters.”

“Josh, if you shut up now I promise that I’ll forget you just said that. Never, ever question my objectivity. Ever. Now, order lunch and let’s talk strategy.”

“CJ?” Josh turned to his menu, but stopped, looking at her again. “CJ, really, are you okay? You seem pretty shaken.”

She looked at him, ready to spill her guts, needing someone to talk to and a shoulder to cry on, but in the last second, professionalism prevailed. It was bad enough that the rumors abounded about her and Toby, she didn’t need to add fuel to the fire by showing how upset she was that Andi was finally able to give something Toby she hadn’t been able to. This reason, right here, was why she’d pushed him away. He wanted kids and it was unlikely she would ever give them to him. “No, Josh. Really, I’m just tired and overwhelmed a bit. But, let’s fix that last part by working out the strategy for the next couple of months.” She smiled at the waitress approached. She wasn’t going to let this get to her.

“You didn’t tell me that you two were trying to get pregnant …” CJ’s voice was a tortured whisper in the dim light their room. Toby still sat at the table, working on the speech, and CJ curled up in bed, reading over the wires from the events of the day in case the candidate should need to comment on anything in the morning.

“Andi didn’t want me telling anyone.” He refused to look up at her.

“Andi didn’t want you telling me, is more what you mean.” She sighed a bit, “And I can respect that, I guess.”

“Yeah …” Toby sighed and looked at her, finally, for the first time since Andi had told him. “It was my decision too, CJ. You know that Andi is jealous …” Andi had every reason to be. “But, I didn’t want you to … we went through a lot when you miscarried and I didn’t want to drag it all up again. It was for me too, CJ.”

CJ looked into his eyes and nodded. “I understand that, believe it or not. It just … it makes what happened in LA … Toby, we shouldn’t have done that.”

Instead of nodding and agreeing with her, Toby just moved over to her and stroked her hair back behind her ear, “I don’t regret it, CJ. And I don’t want you regretting it either.”

“Toby –“

“No.” He silenced her with a gentle kiss. “Just let it go, CJ. Now, let’s get back to work, okay?”

“Yeah …” but she caught his hand before he could get up off the bed. “Congratulations, Toby. You’re going to make an amazing father.” She couldn’t stop the tears from spilling over. Never in her life had she been so glad for someone else’s happiness and yet so completely miserable. This was what she wanted, she’d pushed him to find someone else who could be the mother for children that she could never be. But now she wanted these past ten years back and she hated herself for making the choices that she’d made for the both of them. Toby kissed her gently in response, unable to voice any of the words that were in his heart. But he didn’t need to, not to her. The look they shared said it all, and he too was thinking about the child they’d lost. So he kissed her again and instead of moving back to the speech on child poverty, he moved over her, pushing the wires off the bed and pulling her shirt up over her head. His mouth found her breast and he sucked, teasing the response he wanted from her. “Toby … we can’t …”

‘Tell me no,’ he thought, his lips still focused on her nipples, it was the only way he would ever stop.

“Toby …” CJ hissed. He stroked her, her back arching as he bit her nipples gently; the last time they’d made love, he had bruised her. Andi didn’t like it rough – something that had always confused him. CJ, who had every reason to throw him aside the minute his teeth touched her skin, trusted him to not harm her. Andi liked it slow, gentle, and after a while, it was rather monotonous. But comparing the women in his life would do him no good here. “Toby, we can’t, …” she moaned again, parting her legs slightly as she did so.

“Tell me no,” he whispered, looking back into her eyes. “Tell me no.”

“Your pregnant wife is back in Maryland. She and your child are counting on you.”

“You honestly think that guilt works when it comes to you, CJ? That wasn’t a no.” He kissed her nipples again, her neck, and then traced her lips with the tip of his finger. “Tell me no, CJ. Tell me no and I’ll sleep in the other bed tonight.”

Her response was to kiss him again, passionately, opening herself up completely to him – and to the road they had no allowed themselves to turn on to. There was no going back after this.

“They’re having a baby.”

Anisah dropped the soda can she was holding, letting the sugary liquid spill all over her kitchen floor. Grunting with the weight of the child she was carrying, she slowly lowered herself to the floor, managing to feel guilty that she was able to have children. “CJ, they’re married, you can’t expect them to not try.”

“I know, but it just hurts. I mean …”

“Oh God. Sweet and merciful Allah, CJ, you aren’t sleeping with him are you? Tell me you aren’t. I don’t care if you’re lying to me, but tell me that you aren’t having an extra-marital affair with him! And I don’t even care about Andi! You know I think she’s a bitch and that she deserves what she gets, but don’t tell me that you’re risking your career yet again by gallivanting around with a married man.”

“Can you speak any louder, I don’t think China heard you say that.” She groaned and flopped back into the pillows. She was bunking with Donna tonight – Andi was in town. “Anyway, it’s …”

“It’s different because it’s Toby? CJ, when he said ‘I Do’ to Andi, he was saying it to a body on which he’d superimposed your head! Of course it’s different.”

“He broke it off last time! Why am I always painted the bad guy in this?”

“CJ, this time he’s MARRIED! Anyway, he broke it off because the campaign ended and you were heading back to Los Angeles and Andi gave him an ultimatum that it was her or you and that he couldn’t be sleeping with both. But that was 1993, CJ. They weren’t married then!”

“And she shouldn’t have given him that ultimatum in the first place. Damnit! What am I …”

“You’re going to stop sleeping with him and stop it now. Please, please don’t ruin your career for him.”

“No one knows, Ani. Hell, I think even we barely know.”

“Someone is going to find out and they’re going to make trouble for you. Please, CJ. Please, don’t do this to your heart. I know that you love him, and you love only him, but there are other men out there. And other women too.”

“Please, I gave up on that when I became a grad student.”

“Okay, so there are other men out there. For the love of God, find one of them. Please. I don’t know if I can watch your heart break again.”

“Too late, Ani …” she whispered. “Too late.”

Darkness engulfed him. He’d been here before, running through hospital corridors, aching to touch the woman he loved. Andi’s name echoed over and over in his mind, and again he let the guilt eat at him – he’d been across the country, winning a Primary while his wife had to deal with the loss of their child herself.

He knew that CJ was right behind him, and had been since they’d touched down at Dulles. While the rest of the campaign team went to get settled in the offices in DC, he and CJ raced toward the hospital, avoiding press and hoping to God that no one would notice. As it was, he barely even noticed CJ, save that he knew she was driving, that she was single-handedly keeping him sane.

She pushed him into Andi’s room and then curled up on one of the couches, trying to keep from crying. She knew that Andrea wouldn’t want her here, and so eventually she’d head back to their place and clean up, like she knew Andrea would need. Anisah had done it for her, and it was only fair that she do it for Andrea.

2005

“Penny.” Toby rolled over and pulled her into his arms, running his fingertips down her stomach. She was so thin anymore, now more than she’d ever been before.

“They aren’t worth that much.” Her groggy whisper let him know that she was trying to sleep, even if the attempt was futile.

“They’re worth enough to keep you up even when you have to be at work in four hours. I tried to wear you out for a reason, Baby.”

“I talked to Tim the other day … he said, that, in a rare moment of lucidity, my father asked when I was going to give him grandchildren.”

He knew better than to respond verbally. Toby just leaned down and kissed her shoulder, inhaling the lingering scent of Chanel #5.

“And it got me thinking … of course … about what if. I mean, the doctors always said it was unlikely but not impossible. But with the jobs I’ve held, you just don’t have kids if you want to be the kind of mother that I want to be.”

“This job won’t last forever, CJ.” Toby kissed her shoulder again, wondering where this conversation was going to take him.

“I know … I just …” she sighed. “Never mind me. I’m just going to go to sleep now. Sorry I said anything.” She could feel how tense just the very idea had made him.

“Hey, never apologize to me for saying what I ask you for. Just sleep, okay.” “Yeah.” But he held her closer, and wondered. What was she asking? What was she thinking? Was she really going to be done in politics after this?

The alarm went off long before he was ready to get out of bed. CJ was up and moving almost instantly, not having the luxury any longer of hitting snooze and finding another ten minutes of peace. So, he watched her through half-lidded eyes as she took her time dressing. A white pantsuit, a red blouse, and a necklace he’d bought for her a couple of years ago on a trip to Europe that she hadn’t been able to go on because of a fever that should have sent her to the hospital. He rose when she was half dressed, the blouse open over a flimsy white-lace bra, and he took a moment to pull her back against his naked body and devour her neck with gentle kisses. He felt the goose bumps rising along her body and he grinned, his beard ticking her sensitive skin. “Good morning,” he whispered.

“You too,” she whispered back when she’d found her voice again. She pushed back, shaking her head, and turned back to her mirror, starting to button her blouse. “Don’t forget to check the wires before you come in.”

“Yeah.” He watched her put on her makeup, still thinking that she was so much more beautiful in her natural glory. But the smoky look of her eyes gave her that 1950’s movie star look and the lip pencil somehow made her face seem less tired. She was a master of spinning, of disguises, and when she was done, anyone would believe that she’d had a full eight hours of sleep and was completely rested. “You don’t forget to eat something.”

“Yeah.” She kissed him, gently, and slipped out.

Toby wondered for a minute if it should bother him that neither of them had been able to say ‘I love you’ yet. But the worry only occupied his mind for a minute before he turned to the shower and getting ready for his morning.

1997

“Hi.” He swallowed hard, looking down as he twirled his wedding ring through his fingers.

“Hey!” Andi focused her usual half-an-ear on her husband as she looked through the speech she was going to give tomorrow night. Win or loose for Jed Bartlet, it was going to be a big night for the Democrats. “When are you going to be home tonight?”

“I …” Toby pocketed the ring, “I’m going to stay in D.C. tonight. Sam and I are going to be up late working on the speech and CJ needs help with the media statements…”

“Since when does CJ need help with media statements?” Andi shook her head, wondering when she’d finally be able to sever the unhealthy tie between the two of them.

“Since this is still the first time she’s worked a national campaign and some of the finer details of her approach are being ironed out.” Toby sighed softly. “Andi, I’m sorry. I want to be there for you tonight, and I’ll be there right at your side tomorrow—“

“No you won’t.” Sighing, she finally gave her husband the attention he deserved. “Toby, you won’t. I’ll be there with you, but your heart will be with them.” Her voice softened. “Honey, it’s okay. This is your team and you’ve all done a great job. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“I’ll come up around 8 and we can go vote together, okay? I’m at the Watergate tonight if you need me.”

“Okay. I love you, Toby. And good luck.”

“I love you too, Andi.” He hung up and tossed the phone back onto the bed. A few moments later, there was a knock at the door. When he opened it, his heart stopped.

He honestly wanted to know how she could make clothes so sexy. A casual black skirt with a slit all the way up her thigh, a long sleeve but low cut blouse, and he could see the lace of her bra peeking out above the button. Not caring who could see them, he grabbed her waist and pulled her against his body, crushing his mouth to hers. This night was theirs, they deserved this moment. It might never get to happen again. He held her close, his hands capturing her against him as his mouth made love to hers.

Neither heard the shutter of the camera.

CJ managed to turn around enough to lock the door behind them, but Toby only pushed her up against it. His hands molested her as his body pressed her into the door – the latch dug into her stomach but she bit her lip. The discomfort only increased the sensations. He still hadn’t spoken a word to her.

Toby reached between her body and the door, tugging her blouse open. Somewhere he could tell the buttons popped open, but he didn’t care and he knew that she didn’t either. One hand roughly pulled her left breast free from it’s cup while the other moved up her leg and under the slit in her skirt. Naked underneath, it gave him easy access right to her already wet center. Two fingers pinched her clit while the others teased through her folds.

Her cry broke the silence and her head came back, resting on his.

Toby watched as he fondled her, his rough fingers already leaving red marks on her perfect skin. Some, small, conscious part of his mind screamed, reminding him that he shouldn’t be so rough, that the last time someone other than him had treated her like this, she had been raped so badly that her body would never fully recover. But for some reason, a reason he’d never understand, she trusted him. “Touch yourself,” he whispered into her ear. “Take your other breast in your hand and touch it, put your hand on mine. Make yourself come.” She obeyed him, gasping as their fingers joined under her skirt and only moments later screamed his name as he shoved three fingers deep into her body. He caught her from falling as she trembled around him. When she could walk he moved them both back to the bed, undressing her as they went. His own erection strained against his pants and when she was naked he turned her back to face him, a sly grin on his face. “You want to help me out here?”

She laughed and kissed him first, pressing her naked body against his fully clothed one. “I love you, Toby,” she whispered. He stopped, just for a split second, and he knew she felt it. “Oh … God … Toby … I …”

“No.” He caught her again, kissing her tenderly. “I love you, Jeanie. I’ve never stopped loving you. And I’m here with you now and I’ve been with you these past few months because I love you. And I don’t know where we’re going or what the hell is going on between us again, but I love you. He couldn’t believe he’d actually said it, but God it felt good to get it out.

CJ blinked back tears; completely unsure of how to process what he’d said, she just dropped to her knees, unzipped his pants, and freed him from the constricting fabric. Toby’s hand guided her, his fingers tangling in her hair, and she slid her lips down his shaft, forcing back the gag reflex, and taking him completely down her throat. He thrust against her face, moaning as she massaged his balls and raked her nails against his thighs. Somehow, she didn’t choke as he exploded down her throat and after she licked him clean, she settled on the bed, ready for him, as he shed the rest of his clothes. The night was just beginning.

“Oh god. Right there. Right … oh god!” CJ clutched the pillows as Toby drove her onward. His hands held her hips firmly in place while he rode her – the only other movement on her end was her own fingers moving against her clit. He rode her, grunting as he moved against her ass, listening as she whimpered his name right up there with God’s. Yes, this woman drove his ego onward, and he loved it.

He wondered, somewhere in the back of his mind, the small part that wasn’t consumed with CJ’s perfect smell and taste, if that had been the door to the room opening and closing. It had to be the room across the hall. It had to be.

It wasn’t.

She waited until CJ was clutching the pillows for breath before making her presence known. She watched her husband pull gently out of the other woman’s ass, dispose of the condom, and wrap her tightly in his arms, calling her “Baby” and “Jeanie” and whispering how wonderful she was, they were. It hurt, physically, to see them together like this, more so than even CJ with her face down in the pillows, her legs apart for Toby, and Toby using CJ’s body in ways she never knew he would.

“Well.” It was the only word she could choke out.

With effort, Andi kept her eyes away from his as Toby reached for a pillow to put on his lap. CJ at least had the decency to scream and roll off the bed and reach for her robe. “See, I guess I was the surprised one. I mean, I understood, Toby, when you said you wanted to stay in DC tonight. The night before the election, it made sense. I should have known that what you really meant was that you were going to go at it with your ex-girlfriend.”

“Andi,” he tried.

“Don’t even. Don’t tell me this isn’t what it looks like. How long has this been going on?”

“I won’t answer that, Andi.”

“Oh, you’re gonna. Get dressed, Toby, we’re going back to Maryland tonight.” She sounded like a mother scolding her teenage child for being out past curfew.

But, somehow, it was CJ who managed to diffuse the situation. “Andi, why don’t you let Toby shower.” She pulled herself to her full six feet and looked at the other woman. Guilt was there on her face, yes, but also a hard lack of sympathy. Toby, for his part, moved like a dog with its tail through its legs to the bathroom. After a couple of minutes, the water started and Andi tried to rid herself of the image of her husband jacking off. How often had he been in the shower, doing that, and thinking of CJ? “I’m sorry you had to find out like this, Andi.” CJ sighed and curled up in a chair.

“Are you sorry I found out like this or are you sorry I found out at all? I have a feeling that you weren’t going to tell me you’ve been fucking my husband.”

“No, I wasn’t. And …”

“How long, CJ?”

“I won’t answer that.” She stared at the red head. “But it’s been going on.”

“I told you once, CJ, that –“

“Oh, come off it, Andi! For crying out loud! You can’t live a life based on ultimatums and that is what you do to Toby. And the worst part is, he loves you. No, more than that, he is in love with you. For some reason that I just don’t understand, he’s been in love with you since the moment he saw you. He worships you. And I had to give that up.”

“You gave it up. And yet, you’re still sleeping with him.”

“Leave her alone, Andi.” Toby’s voice came from the door to the bathroom. The short shower to rinse himself of the smell of CJ was over, and now he stood there in jeans and a button-up shirt, and just nodded to his wife. “Let’s go home and deal with this. Leave CJ out of it. Your fight isn’t with her, so don’t start.” He looked back to CJ, telling her with his eyes everything he needed to say in this moment, and CJ just nodded a bit, knowing that this would be the last time it happened. And after the door closed behind the unhappy couple, she still sat there, staring at the door, wondering exactly where she and Toby got to go from here. If they won tomorrow, she might get a job in the administration. Would she be able to work with him now that this was so fresh? Or, would Andi leave Toby, make a fool of him, and ruin both of their political careers? For a brief moment she wondered if it would have been any better if she’d tried to fill the loneliness with Hoynes instead of Toby and how that would have gone.

It was light over the Potomac before she stood up and went to shower. She’d check out of the room that Toby had taken for the night, head to work, and pray that she could just look him in the eye for one more day.