Pairing: CJ/OFC (Sydney Ludlow)

Disclaimer: CJ Cregg is, unfortunately, not mine. If she were, I wouldn’t owe what I owe, and I would also be living in LA, writing for the West Wing. So, no, I don’t make any money off of her or any of the other characters that were created by Aaron Sorkin (or later on, John Wells, et al.) Melissa, Lila, and Sydney Ludlow, however, are all mine. And so are any other original characters.

Author’s note: This is what happens when a plot bunny gets into your head and won’t let go.

Timeframe: Covers the whole series, but chapter five is set in season 2, between “The Midterms” and “The Stackhouse Filibuster”.

She stared at the file on her desk, tears floating in front of her eyes. She hated that she was upset over this, but she had every right to be. As of this very moment, her own government had declared that her way of life wasn’t worth living. She was an outcast, not worthy of the same rights as the men and women who wanted to share their lives together. She knew the arguments on the Republican side of this, and the arguments of the Democrats, but those people were all people who had votes in places where only social conservatives managed to get elected. Those places didn’t want the Queers getting married.

“Hey.”

She jumped about five feet before looking up and into the similarly depressed eyes of her girlfriend. “Hey. This is a pleasant surprise.” Sydney stood and went over, tugging CJ into the office. They hugged for a long moment. “I figured you’d just go to the office and then go home.”

“I couldn’t be in the office …” CJ sighed and nuzzled at Sydney’s neck. “I wanted to be. I wanted to stomach the fact that I get to tow the party line right now, but I couldn’t. I just wanted to see you and go home.”

“Thanks.” Sydney kissed her cheek and then waved for CJ to sit on the couch. “You know the ACLU is going to fight this decision, right?”

“Technically …”

“A pocket veto is as good as signing the thing, CJ.”

“Don’t lecture to me about the ins and outs of politics, sweetie.” Her tone was harsher than she wanted it to be. “I’m sorry. I’m just … tired and disappointed.”

“I know.” Sydney closed down her laptop – how had it managed to get so late? – and went to sit next to CJ. “It’s at times like this that I wish I’d taken that job with the Gay and Lesbian Task Force. At least then …”

“You like what you do too much.”

“Yeah. And usually I get to stand on the side of the good guys. CJ, what …”

“There’s too many other important issues.” She shook her head. “President Bartlet’s a good man, but he’s scared to death of daring to push an agenda that would help the homosexual population. I keep thinking maybe … after re-election … when he doesn’t have to keep winning …”

“Keep dreaming.” They kissed gently. Sydney pulled back and took CJ’s hand in her own, tracing the simple, silver and gold band that matched her own. The rings were so delicate they were easy to miss at first glance, but neither woman had taken them off since that day fourteen years ago when they’d promised to love each other forever. “I just don’t get it,” Sydney whispered. “What do we do for each other that the hets don’t? What do they do that we don’t? I said the same things … I do the same things … God, how many times have you risked your frigging life to just … just to take care of me when I’ve got the flu or something and … and these rings we wear mean nothing to our own government.”

“Hey,” CJ stopped her mid-diatribe. “These rings mean something to us. And that means something.”

“You don’t wish …”

“Of course I do.” CJ sighed, the words she wanted to stay stopping at the edge because she didn’t want to say them here. “Come on. It’s been a long couple of days and I just want to go home.”

“Okay.” Sydney stood up and, after looking at CJ again, just grabbed her purse. It was a night to leave work at work – the arguments would be here tomorrow. Right now, she just wanted to hold her girlfriend, and to hear the rest of what she had to say.

“When are you going to Idaho again?” CJ wandered absently around the room, unpacking her overnight bag while getting into her pj’s at the same time.

“Next Tuesday.”

CJ smirked, “You’re missing family home evening?”

Sydney rolled her eyes, “There is nothing like being dragged out to the middle of nowhere to give out fake smiles at my younger sister’s wedding and then spend the downtime being told that I’m going straight to hell. And, by the way, Mindy is pregnant. Hence the moving up of the wedding. Yes, she and her good old returned missionary boyfriend didn’t wait three days before jumping into bed together. Of course, somehow, it’s my fault.” Sydney emerged from the bathroom, dressed only in a pair of cotton boxers. Carefully, she pulled her long hair from it’s towel and squished the rest of the water from the tresses while she watched CJ move carefully around the room, trying to hide the pain in her joints. Her rambling was just to cover CJ’s silence, she knew enough to not force CJ’s hand, even when it was obvious that something wasn’t quite right, and this something wasn’t about her health. CJ had been quiet since they’d left the office; it was obvious that whatever she had wanted to say then still wasn’t ready to be put into words. But, Sydney knew better than to push.

“I’ll refrain from my usual lecture about how you really don’t need your family’s approval and every time you go back there for something like this, it only reinforces their hatred of me and shows that you support it somehow. I don’t want to have that fight tonight.”

“Thank you.” Sydney sighed. CJ was right, and she knew it, but it didn’t change things.

“You look beautiful when you are fresh out of the shower.”

“Yeah?” Sydney dropped the towel behind her and walked over to the bed. She slipped behind CJ and wrapped her arms around her, pressing their bodies together. “You okay?” When CJ took a long breath to prepare just for saying ‘Yeah’, Sydney just squeezed her closer. “You want to talk about it? You’ve been quiet.”

“I just …” She leaned back into Sydney’s arms.

“What, baby?”

“I’m just depressed right now. It will pass. But this … I mean … what you said in your office tonight … the hets do get to do something that we don’t.” She took a shaky breath, trying to hold in the tears that constantly threatened whenever she thought about the future. “If things keep going as they’re going … God, you won’t get to be there if I’m in the hospital. I can’t … I can’t do this without you there.”

“I’ll be there. Decades and decades from now, I’ll be there.” Sydney didn’t bother to hide the tears, especially when she saw the single drop of water slip down CJ’s cheek. “You’ll die here, at home, in the comforting arms of your family. If you think I would put you in a hospital for the end …” tears choked her throat. “God, CJ …” A vision of the future flashed before her – dialysis, chemotherapy, needles, and in the end, a skeletal version of this beautiful and vibrant woman. She flashed back to those days in the hospital, that first time when she’d been denied access, and all the times since, when CJ had been battling the demons of intensive care by herself. What was going to happen at the end? Taking a deep breath, Sydney kissed her neck. “Go get naked and then I’ll rub you down.” When that prompted a smile from CJ, Sydney leaned back to watch her girlfriend undress.

While keeping eye contact, Sydney absently ran her fingers over her mostly bare body as she watched the clothes fall from CJ’s. By the time CJ was naked, Sydney was ready for much more than a simple back rub. When CJ approached the bed again, Sydney rose to her knees and pulled her close. She leaned in to kiss CJ’s soft skin and nuzzle the faded tattoo that was nestled on the underside of her left breast. Once, long ago, in a previous life, right after CJ had found out about her status, they’d gone down to one of the tattoo parlors in New York that was willing to work on HIV patients and CJ had handed the guy a picture Sydney had done. It was a small butterfly with rainbow wings and a disappearing body – a pin was stuck through the insects torso and the wings were perpetually dropping. She kissed the artwork and then gently pulled CJ down on top of her. The mattress formed around their bodies, and Sydney decided that if she were to die in this moment, she’d be perfectly happy. She had CJ in her arms and cushions of heaven supporting both of them. “Baby?” She whispered, suddenly, overwhelmed with the need to ask a question that she’d never asked – not in the ten years since CJ’s diagnosis. But the earlier conversation prompted the question back to her mind, and now was as good a time as any to get the tears flowing again.

“What is it, Honey?” The tone in Sydney’s voice made her look back into the stormy gray eyes.

“You’ll wait for me, right? I mean, I don’t know what happens when we die but … when I get wherever I’m going, you’ll be there waiting?”

“Oh god, Sydney.” CJ moved her leg between Sydney’s and wrapped her arms tightly around her. “God, honey, of course I’ll … don’t even … oh honey …” She kissed her neck, her cheek, her eyes and finally her lips. “Honey, I want you to live after I’m gone. A real, true life that only you could live. But, honey, of course I’ll be there when you cross over. If you want me to be. I don’t know what happens, I don’t even like to think about it, but god, I’ll be there. If we’re lucky, it’s going to be ages and eons from now anyway. Don’t sit and think about it too much. Really.”

“Okay.” Sydney sniffed. “I just … it just hit me suddenly. It’s going to be hard enough living without you at all … I don’t know if I want to face the afterlife without you either.”

“Hey,” CJ smiled and kissed her again, “whenever you get lost and confused, just remember that death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.”

Sydney smiled as her tears evaporated. “Thank you, Wesley.”

“You’re welcome, Buttercup.” They kissed again and Sydney gently rolled them over, moving so that she could taste and tease CJ’s breasts while she also worked her hands down CJ’s body and between her legs.

In between kisses, Sydney raised her head back to CJ’s level and stroked back a stray strand of CJ’s blonde hair. “When I told my parents about your diagnosis, my father asked me if it was all worth it.” CJ’s eyebrows went up at this admission. Sydney had never told her this before.

“What did you say?” She moaned as Sydney’s hand slipped between her legs and teased her gently. One finger slipped inside of her, and then a second – breaking their rules, but at the moment neither of them cared.

Sydney gently teased her for a moment, touching a fingertip against CJ’s g-spot before she pulled out and moved just enough to get the finger cots out of the bedside table drawer. “I told him that you were the only thing in the world worth truly fighting for, worth dying for.” A single tear rolled down her cheek and she leaned in to kiss CJ again.

“It’s not worth fighting for.” Josh shrugged. “It’s not. We either just put it in there or we don’t, but we don’t let them fight about it. It’s not worth it. And I hate to say it, Sydney, but when this comes before the President next year, he will veto it. We need the support of this Congress on many different issues and if we can placate the Evangelical Republicans who would otherwise vote for us by defending the current definition of marriage, then we’re going to do just that.”

Sydney leaned back in the chair, glanced out the windows of the Roosevelt room, glanced over at Leo, and then finally looked back at Josh. “And then, you should know, that the ACLU will take this fight all the way to the Supreme Court and we will win.”

“We’re trying to work out a few things, Sydney. If the ACLU could keep a tighter rein on it’s horses when the Republicans get back in session, we might be able to get the Republicans to back down from any number of other issues and the Marriage Act will get dropped.” Leo took a sip of his coffee.

“You know, you guys have this tendency. You run your guns bold and brave for a few months and then you trip and fall over something and suddenly you’re scared. Suddenly the Republicans are the bully in the school-yard and you are again cowering in the corner. The gay rights movement isn’t going away, as much as you would like to hope it is.”

“I’m hearing a threat under there, Sydney.” Josh leaned forward a bit.

“It’s my job to defend the constitution, not to make up new laws to protect people. But, that doesn’t change the fact that the people who come to the ACLU are usually groups that are marginalized by the people in power. Right now, our case load is filled to the hilt with gay rights groups who need legal services. I am not scared at all about helping them and working with GLADD and LAMBDA to make media noise and to hold up appointments and delay legislation. The ACLU supports the Bartlet Administration, that hasn’t changed, but we aren’t afraid to also speak the truth of the constitution.”

“Legislative affairs says that you’ve been called to testify regarding the Defense of Marriage initiatives.”

“And I will testify, and I’m not afraid to make you guys look bad.” It was her turn to take a sip of her coffee. “But I don’t want to. You guys need to find your guns again. You keep locking them away.”

“Okay.” Josh sighed, knowing they were dealing with a loosing situation. “Let’s move on to Ryan White Funding. We want to put the reauthorization of that into the Family Wellness Act.”

“At how much?”

“Doubling it.”

“Will the money go directly to the people who are affected or to the pork projects surrounding Ryan White?”

“You mean –“

“The ACLU doesn’t care if you’re researching or not, but that money is supposed to go to families. I can’t tell you how many cases we’re helping with that deal with money not getting to the people it’s getting to. The ACLU’s position on this is clear, Josh. Every person in this country who is afflicted with HIV and AIDS has the right to be treated. More and more, the insurance companies, companies that your own administration has half-heartedly tried to put some kind of regulation on, these insurance companies are refusing to cover HIV and AIDS treatment. They are refusing life-saving organ transplants and even dialysis. Now, I can sit here and accuse President Bartlet’s administration of trying to duck and run, but I’ve already done a lot of that this afternoon and the record that you do have for assistance for children in all walks of life is exemplary. What I’m reading here, however, is definitely speculative. First off, the wording that it appears you’ve settled on in your first round with congressional leadership focuses specifically on children who are infected through no fault of their own – when the mothers are infected. But, it does not specify the kind of coverage for these sick mothers, it does not specify protections for them, and it actually writes out some of the protections under Medicare and Medicaid. It also, and this is probably most disheartening, it allows for the companies to deny coverage based on how a person contracts the disease. Women are, across the board, protected less than men and drug users are not protected at all. When a single mother with AIDS is trying to take care of her child, the health of the child is definitely affected. You can’t back AIDS relief in Africa and ignore it at home. You just can’t.”

“We’re still working out some of the language.” Josh leaned back and looked carefully at Sydney, “But, don’t the insurance companies have the right to cover who they want?”

“Leaving that argument for another time, the federal medical programs for those who need them don’t have that right. People no longer contract HIV through blood transfusions or tainted hospital equipment. That means that lifestyle choice is being ruled out.” She skimmed the notes from Josh. “Now, if you can get people to sign on with assistance for the mothers, we won’t have a problem. But, don’t exclude older patients in this.”

“The Wellness Act does specifically affect children.”

“When Congress returns from the break and you sit down to negotiate the Wellness Act, Senator Dole is going to want erectile dysfunction research. Give me a real position on real issues that affect kids and we’ll negotiate further.” She sighed softly. “Did you know that under current law, if a person with HIV changes jobs and tries to apply for health insurance, they can be denied on the basis of a pre-existing condition?”

“Technically no, they can’t.” Leo finally spoke up.

“No, they can’t, but the companies do it anyway. Josh, tell me, aren’t you still battling with your own insurance company about the treatment you received at an out of network provider?” She didn’t let him answer, “And, you also have to understand that with more and more pharmacies across the country refusing to fill prescriptions that go against a moral code, people across the country, gay, straight, and kids, are not getting their drug cocktails.”

“I’ll bring this back to the leadership.”

“Good.” She flipped the page on the meeting’s agenda. “Now, what was this I heard about the administration proposing gun laws that drastically violate the Second Amendment?”

Josh and Leo both sighed and turned to their own notes. “Remind me again why I didn’t just hire you?” Leo asked with a laugh, “It would have made my life a lot easier.”

“Because you hired a leggy blonde Republican.” Sydney just started laughing. “Now, stop dodging the bullet. Literally.” She sighed and looked at Josh for a long minute. “Believe me, you guys, no one cares more about gun legislation reform than I do and I know how sensitive a topic it is for the White House. I was on the other end of a phone, trying to find out if anyone was still alive over here. But, all of those personal emotions don’t change the fact that the legislation that the White House consistently proposes is working against the second amendment. And as much as you guys would like to repeal it, you can’t. So, I’m offering you an olive branch.”

“And that is?”

“Work with us. Let us help you draft the legislation so that it’s constitutionally sound.”

“We can’t be seen to be pandering to the –“

“Like you’re pandering to the right wing conservatives right now? Oh, yeah, not even CJ can spin that one.”

“I don’t like being threatened, Sydney.”

“We don’t either, Leo.” She sighed and looked him in the eye. “Let us help you. I don’t care how good your guys are over in legislative affairs, you need people who are trained to work within the confines of the Bill of Rights. Let me send a couple of our lawyers over here to sit down with you guys on the wording of the legislation. You’re going to have NRA reps weigh in, why not us?”

Leo chuckled dryly. “Because you’ll uphold the NRA?”

“Probably. Or we’ll be able to tone them down. And if the Vice President doesn’t have a seat at the table on this, you guys really will look like idiots.”

“Not afraid to tell it like it is?” Josh sighed and rubbed his eyes.

“Never.”

Josh took the chance to glance at his watch and sighed with relief as he realized time was up. “Okay, thanks for the input, Sydney. We’ll get up with you next week sometime.”

“I’m sure you will.” She sighed and stood up, offering a round of handshakes before taking the time to gather her things. When she was done, and she still hadn’t seen CJ come by, she took advantage of the freedom she did have in this building, and wandered down to the press bullpen. Carol wasn’t at her desk, and CJ’s door was open, giving Sydney a full view of what the other woman was doing. She took a long moment to just watch and smile – when CJ was thinking hard, she tended to stick her tongue out the side of her mouth. The tongue would then flick at imaginary senses, proving over and over that it truly was an entity of its own. This theory was one Sydney had come to believe a long time ago – that tongue was definitely something special.

“Heya.” She leaned in the doorway to CJ’s office.

“Hey.” CJ looked up and smiled. “How did it go with the boys?”

“How do you think?” Sydney rolled her eyes. “But I think I impressed upon them the need to not take minority rights so lightly. You guys … you keep trying so hard and then … anyway, I’m not going to get into it with you. You know it all anyway. Have you eaten yet?”

“Yeah, actually. Danny and I had a lunch meeting.”

“Ohhh, Mr. Concannon from the Post.” Sydney grinned. “The poster boy for the crush everyone in this country has on you. How was that?”

“Boring.” CJ laughed. “Are you headed back to the office since I’m turning down lunch?”

“You look busy. Just, make it home for dinner, okay? I leave for the middle of no where tomorrow and I want some time with you, especially since the President took it away last week with your enforced trip to Portland.”

“Can nine o’clock be dinner?” CJ asked guiltily. “I’ve got an eight-fifteen with senior staff and then an eight thirty briefing.”

“Hon, just get home while you are still conscious. I want to carry memories of you screaming my name onto the plane tomorrow.”

CJ grinned. “Deal.”

“Sydney! You made it!” A short, blonde, comfortably slender woman raced down the dusty steps of the gray farmhouse and across the dirty, muddy driveway. Sydney, for her part, was just glad she’d had the sense to change into jeans and boots on her layover in Chicago. The suit she’d been wearing for her meetings this morning just didn’t fit into the farm atmosphere. Then again, it was why she never came back – she didn’t fit into the farm atmosphere.

“Of course I did, Mindy.” She gave her youngest sister a slightly uncomfortable hug. “You think I’m going to miss my baby sister’s wedding?”

“I just thought with how busy you are …” Mindy offered back the same kind of uncomfortable smile. “But I really am glad you’re here. We all are.” She glanced at the empty car. “No CJ?” The hopeful tone in her voice was unmistakable.

“No, Mindy.” Sydney rolled her eyes and went to grab her suitcase. “CJ is tied to her desk at the office, and even if she wasn’t, we both knew that she wasn’t invited. That’s okay, it’s nice of you to ask.”

“Look, Sydney, we aren’t going to spend the whole week you’re here fighting. Come on in, Mom has some punch and cookies out and she has a jello mold going – she’s trying something out for the reception and it’s just driving the caterers crazy.”

“You’re actually having this catered? This town is big enough now for a caterer?”

“Oh, that’s just Peter’s family. They brought someone in from Boise. It’s great, we’re going to have fresh chicken or steaks at the reception and the cake is going to be this marble one that tastes so great.”

“Great is your current favorite word I see.” She dumped her bag down just inside the door. “Where’s mom and dad?”

“Out in the fields with Nathan, they’ll be back in a little bit. There’s so many guests staying here, but we’ve got your room set just for you.”

“Good. Why don’t I go unpack and rescue some of my clothes and I need to call CJ and let her know I made it out here.”

“Okay. I’ll meet you in the kitchen.”

Sydney grumbled as she hauled the bags up the rickety steps. She’d left this and her ten brothers and sisters behind for a reason. This place, these people, they weren’t her. She didn’t begrudge them for what they were – they were a good people, and they believed deeply in their convictions and their faith, but they weren’t her people. This wasn’t where she belonged.

After hanging the new Dianne Cook she’d bought for the wedding up to smooth out the wrinkles, she also rescued the three suits she’d brought along. While she was here, she’d managed to snag a guest lecture date over at Idaho State University. It gave her something to do besides be lectured about the potato industry. “Hey, Carol.” She sighed when CJ’s assistant answered the phone.

“I’m sorry, Sydney, she’s in with the President right now.”

“That’s okay. Just let her know I’m safe and here and miserable and that she can call and rescue me whenever she feels the urge.” When Carol laughed, Sydney actually smiled. “Thanks.” She hung up the cell phone, took a deep breath, and went down to face her family.

There were days like today when she considered just walking out to the podium, announcing her sexual orientation and her HIV status and then daring the world to tell her that it wasn’t worth the fight. A pocket veto. A fucking pocket veto. He hadn’t even had the strengths of his conviction to chicken out, he’d let it sit on his desk and then Congress had adjourned and every single Congressman had gone back to his district to tout the evils of gay marriage. Next time around, the President’s hands would be tied. Did she really think she could continue to work for someone who was afraid to back her own way of life?

The sun set over the Potomac as her route took her past the Jefferson Memorial, and she came to a stop and looked up, over the river, at the marble columns of the Lincoln homage. When he’d dared to tell people that the slaves should be set free, had he ever imagined his words would lead to a civil rights revolution? But now there was a different battle being fought – and her own President, her own boss, was too chicken to come out and make a stand and demand that the Right deal with their own homophobia. Bartlet had such potential, but he ran from his own eagerness, his own drive and now, on the other side of the aisle, the Republicans had convinced Matt Skinner that his own way of life wasn’t worth protecting.

Some of the members of Congress, especially the Senators, ones like Rick Santorum and Orin Hatch, those two she could expect to be full of shit, but Matt Skinner? She began running again, her sneakered feet pounded against the pavement of the Mall as she hit mile five and made the turn for home.

“CJ!”

The familiar voice caught her attention and she skidded to a stop before turning and leveling a glare at the much shorter, very gay congressman who stood a few paces behind her. “What on earth could you possibly want, Matt?” She made a point to avoid his title, he didn’t deserve it right now.

“To talk to you …” He took a few steps forward.

“Yeah, me too. And I’d like to thank you very much for single-handedly setting the gay rights movement back about three decades in this country. What the hell are you thinking, Matt? This, this one thing, this federal definition of marriage … it’s that definition that gives straight people all the rights that we are supposed to be guaranteed. And you’ve never felt the pain of not being married until you haven’t been able to see the person you love in the hospital because you don’t have that piece of paper!” She took a deep breath and just collapsed onto the nearest bench.

“Hey, look, don’t get all high and mighty on me just because your boss isn’t gutsy enough to make the hard decisions and stand behind his party.” The Congressman sat down next to CJ.

“Why on Earth are you supporting this?”

“Because there are other fights that I have to take on in my own party and I need support for those.” He looked at her. “Hate crimes legislation, Ryan White Funding, and for God’s sake, allowing gays and lesbians to serve in the military. What about the right to die measures? What about gay-straight alliances? CJ, all of these causes mean so much more than a federal definition of marriage.”

“None of them mean anything if you are supporting government sponsored discrimination. That’s what it is, Matt. Government sponsored discrimination. It’s what Jim Crowe would have come back from the dead for – do you think that …” She took a breath.

Matt took advantage of the break in her diatribe to interrupt. “I don’t see you out there, CJ. We all know you’re gay, just come out and say it. Say it for the kids who don’t know it. You can’t sit there and accuse me of hiding when you aren’t even out. And that right there says something about this Administration’s feelings on gay rights!” He rolled his eyes. “There are more important issues on the table right now.”

She looked at him and shook her head. “Whatever. I need to get going. I won’t forget this, Matt. A lot of people here in D.C. won’t.” She took off again down the Mall, her route taking her back home to the empty townhouse. She’d been with Sydney longer than most people in Washington had been married to their spouse, and yet they weren’t given the same rights. There were days when they were absolutely nowhere.

“So, Sydney,” her father looked at her from across the table, “how is life in Washington?”

She had to give him points for trying. “Well, we’re busy as always. My office is leading some of the talks about the agenda for President Bartlet’s administration – which means we get to be in on the budget talks. I’ve been spending a lot of my time prepping testimony for congress as well as for a case that the Supreme Court is most likely going to hear once their session reconvenes. CJ’s doing well, which is great.” As soon as she closed her mouth, she regretted the last sentence. The entire attitude of the room changed. Her brothers all looked away, her sisters stared at their plates, her mother closed her eyes and her father just glared at her. “What, dad?” She was a lawyer, she wasn’t afraid of a challenge.

“You know better than to bring her up.”

She counted to ten in English, then in Spanish, then in Arabic. She counted to twenty in Farsi before looking her father directly in the eye. “You know, Dad, for all the things you taught me over the years, the most important one was that we respected everyone, even if we didn’t agree with them. The her you are referring to is Claudia Jean Cregg, my partner for sixteen years, my lover, the White House Press Secretary and Senior Counselor to President Josiah Bartlet. She holds a Doctorate in urban political studies from the University of California at Berkeley, a joint masters in Media Policy Advertising and Public Polling from Berkley as well, not to mention her joint bachelor’s degrees in Political Science and Communications, also from the University of California at Berkeley. She is a published author, her books and scholarly essays have covered a wide variety of subjects ranging from inner city poling and the adverse affects of conservative ideology when approaching those populations, racism, and the adverse affect of Affirmative Action in the career class. And that’s just the beginning. I don’t care if you approve or not of my relationship with CJ, but you will, finally, call her by her name. At least to my face. Give your own daughter that bit of respect.” Again, she counted to twenty in Farsi before taking a sip of her water and returning her attention to her dinner. After finishing off the rest of her chicken breast in silence, she turned her attention to Mindy. “What time is the rehearsal dinner, Mindy?”

“How is it?” CJ collapsed onto the bed, still reveling at the comfort of the brand new mattress. She really didn’t know if her energy boost lately was from the mattress or her health improving.

“How do you think? Hey, do you happen to have a copy of the paper you wrote on small farm growth in the Midwest?”

“Somewhere. Why?”

“I figured if I could leave it for my family, they’d be forced to be exposed to you in some form or fashion that isn’t as my girlfriend.”

“You’re saying that if they didn’t know me as they know me now, they’d like me?”

Sydney giggled, “That’s how we all feel about you, baby.”

“Ha.” CJ hoisted herself off the bed and moved down the hall to her office. “What else is going on?”

“Well, everyone is walking around pretending Mindy isn’t pregnant. I brought it up with both her and Mom and was shot down, which is probably why I was dressed down like I was at dinner tonight. Mindy’s fiancé is a total idiot, I swear to god I know more about the family business than he does.”

“What does his family do?”

“Well, they’re teachers. He is a drifter, like most RMs. He can’t go back to school cause he has to support his kid, so he’s a farm hand. Mindy works at the store in town, that brings in a bit of extra money.”

CJ chuckled at the forlorn tone in her girlfriend’s voice. “Would you like me to quote back the status of my portfolio, your portfolio, and the joint portfolio? Will hearing the amount of money we have set aside in the nest egg bring your little capitalist, elitist heart back to it’s full blown pitter patter? I can also read off the list of cases that you’re currently working on for the ACLU, and tell you the latest shows at the Smithsonian and the Kennedy Center.”

“Oh, shut up. You’re from Dayton, which is only slightly less hickish.”

“Hey, my slightly hickish town produced Rob Lowe, Martin Sheen, and Allison Janney.” CJ laughed. After a minute of hunting on the shelves, she found her file that contained her published articles on rural polling growth. “You want small farm based growth or commercial farming versus small farming and the effect on small, family farmers?”

“Oh, fax over both.”

“Where to?” Sydney rattled off the fax number to the office. “All right. I’ll send this first thing in the morning. Hey, when they make the movie of my life, who do you think will play me?”

“My vote is always on Julia Roberts.” Sydney laughed. “Or Allison Janney.”

“Ha.” CJ padded back to the bedroom.

“Who will play me?”

“Jodie Foster.” CJ grinned. “Or Jorja Fox.”

“Ha.” Sydney countered. “Hey, I missed the President’s comments about the Defense of Marriage thing. Can you e-mail them over?” “I’ll have Carol send the transcript along with the papers.”

“You’re staffing me out to your assistant. Thanks.” Sydney laughed and then glanced at the time. “You get some sleep, okay, baby. I love you and I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“I love you too. And you get some sleep. Don’t let the units get to you too much. Good night.”

Sydney waited until it was dead air on the line before setting the phone down. She hated being away from CJ at all, but being away, housed in a world where her family hated everything she was and the town barely remembered her, it was a difficult, difficult place to be.

“Those things will kill you.”

CJ snorted and took another drag on the Camel she’d filched from Katie. Sydney was the recovering smoker, it had never really been one of her vices, but the last few days had upset her more than she liked to admit. Between the budding argument over Ryan White funding and the now moot argument over the Defense of Marriage Act, she was seriously considering taking one of the many private sector jobs being offered. Her chance meeting with Matt Skinner last night had upset her more than she liked to admit. “I’ll take my chances.” She closed the report she was reading and looked up at her boss. “Sorry.”

Leo took the cigarette from her, stubbing it out in a nearby planter. “About what?”

“I was contemplating ways to dispose of your body right then.”

Leo chuckled softly and then took a seat next to her. “I wanted to give you a personal apology, CJ, over the Defense of Marriage act.”

“I don’t need an apology, Leo. I need action.” She snapped her mouth shut and looked down at the cover of the report on her lap, Defense against the renewal of the Ryan White Act.

“I know.” He followed her gaze and looked at the report cover as well. “You know that we’ll renew the legislation, right?”

“The legislation is too important to not risk renewing it.” She sighed. “That’s the good thing about this damned disease. You can create a federal definition of marriage, you can ban gay people from serving in the military or adopting children, but you can’t cut off Ryan White because people across all walks of life get it. Let’s forget the fact that they’re getting it because we aren’t fighting for actual sex ed curriculum in the schools and because drug use is up and because the only place, still, where AIDS is talked about is in the gay magazines.”

“I know.” He did know. And it bothered him.

“You want my honest opinion, Leo.” She charged ahead without waiting for his answer. “I want the floor fight. I want this to be something done outside of health care legislation. People are complacent now, they’ve stopped caring that people have this. Ads for protease inhibitors show off these sexy young men and they’re only run in gay magazines. Young mothers don’t know what these drugs do to their kids, or even that their kids need them. Drug users don’t know what …” she stopped her rant. “Again, sorry. I know it needs to be done like this, but if it’s going to be done like this, then lets do it right. The majority of Americans won’t know or care about this bill. Let’s do it right and make sure people live.”

“Leadership is going to argue that it means we cut the funding for African AIDS relief. What would you say to that?”

“That people are dying everywhere and if we’re going to be the world’s policeman then we also need to help out with healthcare too. Tell me, how has the situation changed in the Republic of Kundu?” Her voice was bitter. “Leo, do you know how many underserved populations here are being denied medication? How many people have to wait months and months to receive their medication because their insurance company has to “review the case” or because they just don’t have the money? If we don’t make an actual case out of funding not only research but access to medication, we’re going to see …” her voice caught. “I’m a government employee, Leo. I’ve got damned good health insurance. But did you know that I had to fight to get my anti-virals covered when I was at Triton-Day? And when I was on the road, campaigning, how much I spent every month on my medications alone? I wasn’t insured at the time, so I paid out of pocket, full price, for drugs that saved my life. Of the six hundred dollars a week that I made, I easily spent an average of one hundred bucks of that on my medications. Can you imagine what my life would have been like if I hadn’t had Sydney to help? Do you know what I went through to make sure that my medications were covered after you guys hired me? I had agent after agent telling me that I had a pre-existing condition.”

Leo looked skyward, watching the trek of the clouds for a few minutes. “You want the floor fight.”

“Yeah, I do.”

“You want to see what –“

“I want the American People to challenge themselves and remind themselves that there is a population here that is being ignored. Leo, what scares the crap out of me, is the straight population that is being ignored, the women who are being ignored. We’ve become complacent. We don’t care anymore. We don’t challenge the country to talk about issues like this. Why? Because it’s the way we cut deals. We put reports like the one I’m reading right now in drawers and we shy away from what the public knows they should be talking about. And instead we let assholes like Santorum and Hatch encourage conversations about Intelligent Design and amending the Constitution to prohibit gay marriage.”

“Do you want to be the poster child for this fight, CJ?”

“No. It’s why I’m not out. I thought long and hard about not coming out, you know that, and I still stand by that. There is a real reason that I haven’t publicly disclosed not only my sexuality but my health status. I mean, how on Earth would people feel if they knew that the Press Secretary was HIV positive? Public servants don’t have diseases like this …” she sighed and looked down at the report cover, “who knows, maybe I should say something.”

Leo looked carefully at her and then patted her hand. “If you ever do,” he thought to the president’s own condition, “we’ll be behind you. I mean that.”

She just nodded, but couldn’t look at him yet. “Thank you.” Gathering her jacket and the report, CJ stood up. “I need to get back inside, I’ve got a briefing.”

Leo sighed as he watched her go.

She watched with a sigh as her sister raced around the house, looking for the last minute touches for the bridesmaid gowns. In a family of eleven children, five of them were girls, and of the six boys, all of them were married. That left eleven daughters, total, all to be there with Mindy. Sydney would get to sit outside on a bench. She didn’t get to go in and watch her sister be sealed for all eternity. She was fine with that. But still, it hurt to know that she had willingly come back here only to be shunned. The wedding was tomorrow, and she’d promised to stay through for a couple of days to help with a few things.

Rather than help her sister, she let her look like an idiot as she raced around yelling at whoever was in the room. Just before the tirade could turn onto her, her mother appeared. “Sydney, I could use some help in the kitchen.”

Pretending to play the part of the dutiful daughter, Sydney followed her mother. “Mom …” she moved to pour them both glasses of water, and cringed at the metallic taste of the minerals from the well. This really was not her place in the world, but these people were her family and she wanted to make it work.

“You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about you since you came home to visit.” Doreen moved absently around the kitchen, putting together carrots and oranges for a jello mold, setting out a new plate of brownies for anyone who might wander through. “I didn’t want you to come. I guess I never want you to come.”

Sydney bit her lip. “It’s hardly a surprise, Mom.”

“I’m just saying, Sydney Victoria, that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if you weren’t such a stranger. It’s not like there aren’t opportunities in Idaho.” The older, plump woman looked at her daughter- a daughter she had never been able to understand- and just shook her head. She kept hoping, every day, that Sydney would come to her senses, give up this lifestyle, and come home.

“Mom, there aren’t opportunities in Idaho for CJ.”

“Sydney –“

“And there aren’t realistic opportunities for me here, either. What, I’m going to run the legislative office for the Idaho branch of the ACLU? While I’m the first to admit that the ACLU here needs decent representation, I don’t want to be the one defending the militias to the supreme court! I already do enough of that and I hate it and I hate myself for doing it.”

“Sydney, you could come back to the farm, help out your sisters and brothers. You don’t need to define your life based on her.”

“CJ, mom. Her name is CJ. We’ve been together for sixteen years, you think you could say her name. CJ. Claudia Jean. My partner. My wife!”

The older woman advanced on her daughter, her leather face flashing with anger. “Don’t you dare be using that word in relation to her. You are my daughter and I pray every day for your soul, but she … she is not your wife! Mindy, she’s about to be a wife, I am a wife to your father but … her… she is not a wife! And neither are you! I don’t know what you are, but you aren’t married and don’t you dare try to tell me otherwise! This is reality, Sydney, not some liberal, hippie dream that the people in California put into your brain!”

“No, she’s not my wife, Mom. Because we can’t get married yet. Not legally.” Sydney shook her head. “Anyway, not like I have to defend our relationship to you, but CJ and I make compromises for each other’s jobs. We’ve spent time on opposite coasts, we’ve moved across the country for each other … she’s moved for me more times than is fair and right now, I love where I’m at and CJ’s job is the priority in our relationship. She’s the press secretary for fuck’s sake. That is a once in a lifetime opportunity!”

“You watch your language.”

“Mother.” Sydney shook her head, wondering how such a loving, caring, God fearing woman could be so harsh to her own daughter.

“You’ve lived apart before, what’s keeping you this time?”

“Because I am not giving up my life in DC to come back here and work on a potato farm. You have ten other children, plus their spouses, plus your grandkids. Why can’t you just accept that I want to be a lawyer in Washington DC and defend the constitution of the United States?”

“Sydney,” Doreen Ludlow looked carefully at her daughter. “I am just saying that you don’t need to define your life –“

“What, like you define your life based on Dad?” She choked on the words in her throat. “For Chrissake, mother!” Sydney slammed the glass down on the kitchen table. The liquid sloshed over the brim, soaking through the lace tablecloth. “To begin with, I don’t come around because you guys don’t want anything to do with CJ! Did you know that her father treats me like a daughter of his own? Her brothers have me on equal footing. I go shopping with CJ’s niece and I baby-sit her nephew! It took them a while to get used to CJ being gay, but once they did, they realized that she was just like she’d always been! And this very, very devout Catholic family welcomed their daughter and her partner with open arms!” She stared at the cloudy water in her glass. She’d had this fight countless times and it always ended with her storming out of the room in tears. It was over, this was over. After the wedding, she wasn’t looking back.

“Well, we aren’t like that. We do things differently here. And like it or not, Missy, this is still your home. You can come back into town with your designer jeans and your special boots and your perfectly cut hair but it doesn’t hide that this is where you are from.”

“This is where I was born, that’s all mom. I love D.C. and I love Berkeley and I love Beverly Hills and I love Manhattan. That’s where I belong.”

“With the fags and the drug users and the pimps and the people walking around covered with all kinds of diseases? You belong with someone like her… someone who could infect you with that disease she has?!”

The words slapped her in the face as surely as though Doreen had left a handprint. “Don’t you dare bring CJ’s health into this. She was infected because of a blood transfusion! A blood transfusion! She has done nothing at all in her life to have invited this kind of a disease into her blood stream. She never had promiscuous sex, she never did drugs with needles. She was in a car accident and needed a blood transfusion and, as ironic as it is, that blood transfusion saved her life! If the blood hadn’t been there at the hospital, she’d have died back in 1985!”

“And maybe that was God’s plan! Have you ever thought about that? Have you ever thought that God intended for her to die? Maybe you’d have given up that lifestyle and come back home and been married! You wouldn’t be with that woman out of some obligation –“

“Mother!” Sydney again interrupted, her voice choking as she ignored the tears that streamed down her face. “Don’t you dare say that I’m with CJ out of obligation. When Dad got cancer, did you stay out of obligation or because you love him? I’m in love with CJ. And I was a lesbian long before I went to Berkeley. I was born that way.”

“No, you chose it.”

“Do you choose being heterosexual, Mom? God made me this way, in his own image. And I love myself, and I love my girlfriend. I love her and I’m proud of her and just like you stayed by Dad, I’m staying by CJ. And when God takes her away from me, I’m going to be the one at her bedside. I’m going to milk every last minute I have with her because unlike with you and Dad, I’m not going to have her when we’re in our sixties and seventies. The statistics say that I’ve got maybe, maybe another ten years left with her before her immune system completely falls apart and the dust in the air knocks her over and kills her! Don’t you dare stand there and lecture me about love and obligation!” In all the time she and CJ had been together, her parents had met CJ once, for only a couple of minutes at Sydney’s law school graduation. Never had CJ been invited to the farm, and never did they miss an opportunity to defame her.

“Don’t you talk to me about family. I don’t care what you do for a living; you are still my daughter! I can’t talk about you to the town, I can’t talk about you at church. When they ask what you’re doing and if you’re still single I lie and say you’re dating someone. Sydney, do you know what would happen if the church found out? Do you know what they’d do to the family?”

“So the church and the town and your reputation are more important than your daughter?”

“This town is the reason you went to college, missy! This town buys the potatoes from the farm! Don’t stand there and sass how you grew up! I don’t care what you say you are now.”

Sydney choked again and glared at her mother. “Well mom, you just made it perfectly clear. Apparently I do belong anywhere but here. I’m a dyke, mom. I prefer women. I love a certain woman. I am also a woman, a lawyer, a counselor to the Congress of the United States of America, and I am your daughter. Like it or not, I am your daughter. And I’m done right now. I’m done arguing and I’m done trying to prove anything to you. After Mindy gets married, I’ll leave. And I won’t be back.” She left the cloudy water on the table and headed up to her room. The fight ended as it always did – with Sydney locking her bedroom door behind her, and her mother at the kitchen table in tears.

“How would you feel if I came out?”

“What?” Sydney recognized the voice on the other end of the line, but she wasn’t quite sure she’d heard right. “You want to do what?”

CJ chuckled softly, almost mirthlessly. “Yeah. I’ve been thinking about it.”

“It’s not a good idea, Sweetie. I mean, from a PR point of view. And it’s not cause you’re a lesbian, it’s …”

“It’s because I’ve got a time bomb waiting to explode in my immune system?” CJ curled up under her favorite blanket and flipped the station to Comedy Central. After the day she’d had, she could use someone poking fun at her and Jon Stewart was bound to do that.

“I’m sorry.” Sydney played with the fuzz on her own blanket. “I just worry about you. I don’t want the press eating you alive. If you want to come out, you know I’ll do a happy dance. You know that. What’s prompted this?”

“Everything. Just … everything right now I guess. I’m tired of hiding in plain sight with you, and this whole Defense of Marriage thing only makes me even more irritated. Everyone knows I’m gay anyway, why not just make it official.”

“Because everyone knows you’re gay. Look the press knows, or at least suspects, and unless they ask you outright, you have no reason to say otherwise. Don’t let your feelings over this hijack future legislation. Suddenly the legislation won’t be the story, you will be. But, if you want to, I’ll stand there at the podium and hold your hand.”

“Can I tell you something?”

“Anything, you know that.”

“I still haven’t given up on that dream of the two of us before a justice of the peace, putting rings on each other’s fingers, and having “till death do us part” mean something in the eyes of the law.”

“Yeah.” Sydney sniffed. “But we don’t talk about death when I’m three thousand miles away from you.”

“How else are things? Are you all ready to sit outside the Temple while Mindy gets married tomorrow night?”

“I don’t want to be here, CJ. You were right. But they extended the invitation. Really, I think they did it so they could pressure me about how evil all of it is. I don’t think I’m coming back after this trip. It’s going to be hard, but if …if they can’t accept me, there’s no reason I need to acknowledge them.”

“You sure about that?”

“Yeah. I’m sure. I’m not going to have anything more to do with them. Not until they can at least accept us. I’m not asking for understanding or unconditional love, but I want acceptance. You’re right, my coming back here only undermines what I want from them.”

CJ held back the ‘I told you so’ and just sighed, wishing there was a way to reach through the phone and hold her girlfriend. “I’m here with you.”

“Thanks.” Sydney sniffed. “What are you doing tonight?”

“I’m about to watch Jon Stewart crucify my press briefing from today.”

“What did you do?” Sydney was already laughing.

“Look, it wasn’t my fault that Josh isn’t capable of keeping his big mouth shut.”

Sydney started to cackle. “Get this one recorded for me. I’m gonna go and make some hot chocolate and then try to rest. If I can’t sleep can I call you back and listen to you breathe heavily while I touch myself?”

CJ purred into the phone. “Don’t get me started.”

“I’ll call you later.”

“I’m done with this.” Sydney muttered under her breath as she kicked off her heels. The reception had been predictable – Mormons were simply the most boring people in the world when it came to celebrating marriage. No dancing, no alcohol, and no real chance to celebrate the wedded union of two people. Not that she felt much like celebrating anyway. At least her little twit of a sister could get married in whatever fashion she wanted. After changing out of her dress and into her pajamas, she padded back down the steps and found her oldest brother standing near the couch. “I’m going to go turn on the television and see if they’re going to televise CJ’s final briefing.”

Nathan just looked over at her and sighed. When the C-Span channel turned up only reporters milling around the briefing room, he took his chance to speak up. “Mom’s got a point, you know.”

“Oh, don’t you start.”

“Hey,” Nathan looked gently at his baby sister. “Give her a break, okay? Look, I don’t understand you being gay, but I know that CJ makes you happy. That’s good enough for me. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t want you to get married to a guy and come back and be the family lawyer, but you’re doing what you need to be doing. You’d be miserable and if you’re really gay then, you need to be where people will accept you for who you are. And I know that they won’t do that here.”

Sydney shrugged uncomfortably, and her need to respond was cut off by CJ coming to the podium. “Good evening,” came the familiar voice through the TV screen. “Let me start off by saying that the President has had three calls added to his call sheet tonight. All of them are diplomatic courtesy calls, and are going to the French Embassy, the Prime Minister of England, and the Qumari Embassy. There are also no changes to tomorrow’s schedule, so don’t ask if he’s going to be meeting with Senate Leadership before they return from the recess.” Sydney chuckled.

“What?” Nathan looked sideways again at her. He had to admit that CJ was a very attractive woman.

“She’s lying.” Sydney grinned. “When she puts her hand on the podium like she’s doing now, she’s lying. There’s a major change to the schedule, probably Senate leadership, but it’s going to be announced tomorrow.”

“Oh-kay.”

“Any questions?” CJ glanced around the room and chuckled, “Oh darn, Katie?”

“Is there any movement on the administrations attempt to reverse the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy? And is the delay on this issue because you don’t want this fight going into a presidential campaign?”

“Well, Katie, that’s the same question you asked me right before the midterms and you asked it based on if it was because of the midterm campaigns. The reason for the delay is that reversing the law also takes an amendment to the uniform code, and getting congress to sit down long enough to amend something like that is like herding cats. The White House stands firm in its commitment to allow gays and lesbians to serve openly in any branch of the military, as well as any walk of life they choose.” CJ sighed. “Mark?”

“Josh Lyman is putting together legislation regarding health problems that affect children. Can you expand on this?”

“Yes. It’s tentatively being titled the Family Wellness Act. Draft legislation is being worked through with a number of different medical and legal groups, and as soon as Congress returns Josh will be leading those discussions on the Hill.”

“She’s about to get hit with a big one.”

“How can you tell?” Nathan was already getting bored, but watching his sister’s reactions was interesting.

“Because Mark didn’t follow up on Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. He’s big on follow-up questions. That means that someone big is in the room, probably from the Chronicle. They’re going to clobber her.” Sydney sighed and imagined the water she was drinking was scotch. “She hates the Don’t Ask debate.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s the worst kept secret in Washington that CJ is gay. The only thing that keeps it from being a story is that she doesn’t make it a story, but all it takes is something like this to blow it wide open.” She thought back to their conversation last night. “Do you have any idea how hard it was for us during the hate crimes fight? Especially since it was so obviously personal for CJ? God …”

“But if Bartlet is so pro-gay, then why can’t she come out?”

“Because …” Sydney looked back toward the kitchen where she knew her mother was sitting at the kitchen table, avoiding all of her children, especially the gay one. “A lot of the people who voted for President Bartlet also think like mom. They are deeply religious people who felt that Jed was able to express his views on their level. But … the minute his spokesperson comes out as a lesbian, then it’s game over and they’d vote for the devil before they voted for him ever again. And, once CJ officially comes out, then the HIV story won’t be far behind and suddenly there will be pressure on her to resign. Nathan, this is what she’s dreamed of her whole life. That right there, making a difference in the world. It will be over if she comes out.”

“Aren’t there a million liberal places who would hire her for even more money?”

“Maybe. But once you’ve been fired by the party, they usually don’t want to rehire you. And no one with HIV gets hired. They just don’t. You keep it secret and hope to god that your insurance covers it.”

“No, Tucker, I really don’t think that’s what the remarks said,” CJ’s voice interrupted both of them, “although you are well within your rights to characterize them however you see fit. Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is a policy that we inherited from a previous administration. It’s not one that we like, and we’ve made that well known.” CJ had clearly had it. “All right, that’s the news for today. Have a good night and, as always, you’ll be paged if anything happens.” She stormed from the podium.

“Damn, I missed the question.” Sydney sighed. “I’ll call her in a bit. She looks tired and I want to make sure that it won’t end up being one of those nights where she is in the office until midnight. It happens all the time.”

“She’s a press secretary. Shouldn’t she go home when the press does?”

“She’s also a member of the communications staff, contributes significant portions of writing to the President’s speeches, drafts all the releases that come from the Oval office, and is a senior counselor to the president on all matters, domestic and international, because she has to comment on them. She doesn’t go home until he does.”

“Oh.” Nathan gave her a bit of a smile and changed the subject. “Sydney, remember something for me. We’re also your family. Not just her and not just your friends in Washington. And as much as we don’t understand each other, we’re still your flesh and blood. Maybe we’d all understand just a bit more if we made a bit of an effort to understand things that we really don’t like.”

“You used understand like three times in two sentences.”

“Maybe because it’s important to me.” He shrugged. “You’re still my baby sister and … I want to make sure we’ve got a relationship with you. I was the one who pushed for you to come back for the wedding.”

Sydney sighed and looked over at her older brother. They really were from different worlds. He looked perfectly comfortable, having changed from his suit from the wedding back into rough jeans and a flannel shirt. She felt perfectly out of place in her satin pj’s and with her freshly painted nails. She belonged back in Washington. Even with Nathan trying to reach out, she was more sure than ever that she didn’t belong here. But, also, for the first time since she’d come out to him, she saw a beginning – maybe he really was trying to reach out. Maybe, in the future, some kind of relationship could be formed.

“Mom does love you, you know. She just doesn’t understand. And you can’t expect her to. It’s different here than in the city. And you’re different, and it’s something that scares her”

Sydney contemplated her water for a long minute. Then she shook her head, “Being scared isn’t an excuse, Nate. I’ve been on the campaign trails, and I have sat in rooms with people from some of the most rural and conservative areas. The people there are just as educated, just as well informed. It’s a choice to stay ignorant, and Mom and hell … all of you, Nathan. Especially you. You guys, all of you, act like I’m this educated elitist. You have a masters degree in agriculture with a concurrent MBA from one of the best agriculture schools in the country and you run the farm like a corporation, but being educated is a bad thing? You’ve all made the choice to stay holed up here, not knowing what changes are going on in the world. It’s hypocritical, Nathan.”

“Who says that change is a good thing?”

“That is the dumbest argument …” She glared at him. “It was a group of liberals who founded this country, Nate. They wanted something new, something different, they wanted to change the status quo. It was a liberal who founded the Church! You follow the teachings of a man who, for his time, was liberal! He wanted a utopian society and he had all of these changes, these different ways of doing things! We’re a society built on change! And if you don’t believe that, look back at the ways things have changed. The “change is bad” argument only refers to a changing of life from the ways of the nineteen fifties.” She looked toward the kitchen.

Nathan sat still for a minute before reaching out to take her hand. “So you going to teach me to change?”

Sydney looked at him and then actually smiled, “Maybe.” Her voice dropped to a whisper, “Nathan, I don’t want to be alone when I loose CJ, I want my family there, but if you guys can’t come around … then I won’t … I won’t ever come home. Ever. I mean that. I have a family here and I have a family within CJ’s family. I want you guys, but I don’t need you guys.” Suddenly unable to breathe, Sydney pulled her hand away and stood up, quickly making her way up the stairs and into the bedroom. Her mother listened, silently from her place in the kitchen, tears streaming down her face.

“I have gossip for you.” CJ wandered back from the kitchen, two cups of Irish Coffee in her hands. After handing one over to Sydney, she collapsed into the overstuffed couch and propped her perfectly pedicured feet up on the coffee table.

“Ooh,” Sydney grinned and stretched her feet across CJ’s lap. CJ rubbed her arches happily. “What’s the gossip?”

“Well, I was wandering by Josh’s office tonight and heard him on the phone with someone, setting up a date.”

“A male someone?”

CJ laughed. “Well, I don’t know many women named Matt.”

“Seriously, Congressman Skinner asked him out?” Sydney crowed with laughter.

“Well, one way or another. Anyway, I’m not sure it was that Matt. But it was definitely male. And don’t worry, I’ll pump him for information tomorrow.” She stopped in her massaging to take a sip of her coffee. “Are you glad to be home?”

“Yeah.” Sydney sighed. “I mean, it was interesting, that conversation with Nathan last night. He’s trying, but I don’t know … I don’t know how much of a difference it will make. And I wish I could just cut the ties, but they’re my family …”

“I know.” CJ switched feet. “And I’m here, no matter what.”

“I know.” She leaned over to kiss her cheek. “And speaking of family … how’s your dad?”

“Tim called the other day, he's planning Dad's seventieth birthday. Dad had another episode – he was up all night writing and when Tim tried to get him to go to bed, Dad threatened to call the police because he didn’t recognize him. It passed, but …he doesn’t sound … he’s worried. And so am I. I … I don’t know if I can handle watching my father loose his mind.”

Sydney reached over and twisted a lock of CJ’s hair in her fingers. There wasn’t anything to say, or anything they could do. It was inevitable, Tal Cregg was going to loose his mind and his body would follow. And, like father like daughter, CJ’s deterioration was also inevitable. “I’ve got a question about you Catholics.”

“Yeah?” CJ sensed this was actually relevant.

“Everything is a sacrament for you guys – the sacrament of marriage, of communion, of baptism, of confirmation. Is love a sacrament?”

CJ blinked. “I … no … not really.”

“It should be.” Sydney kissed her. “Because it’s love that flows through all of those other ones. We’ll get through this together with your dad, Ceejie. I’m his daughter too.”

“I love you,” CJ whispered, leaning into Sydney’s arms.

“I love you, too.” She stroked through CJ’s hair with her fingers. “I love you, too.”

“I wonder if Molly will be there for my Dad at the end.”

“It’s the sacrament, right? Till death do you part and all that? She should be there. And if she isn’t, we’ll be there.” She thought about her mother and father, the cancer that kept trying to eat her father alive, and how her mother stood by him, no matter what. “Till death do us part, Claudia Jean.”

“Till death do us part.” They kissed softly, and, Irish Coffee forgotten, they moved up the stairs and into their bedroom.