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Summary: Cautiously, her arms wrapped around his body, slowly and he knew she was waiting for him to pull back and push her away. Never again. He’d never do it again if he could. But he knew in the morning, when the sun was up and the rain clouds cleared, he’d go back to his nervous silence and she’d wonder what she’d done wrong.
What more can they tell you?
I am neither good nor bad but a man,
and they will then associate the danger
of my life, which you know
and which with your passion you shared.
From: “And Because Love Battles” by Pablo Neruda
Rain.
John hadn’t realized how much he missed it. It had been an almost daily part of his life for so long but it had been the little things that occupied his mind as Moya raced through the stars. Coffee. McDonald’s. Microwave popcorn. Cold beer. Sunrise over the Atlantic and the pink sky at sunset had been welcome memories but until he watched the rain fall from the sky, he hadn’t realized how much it had been a part of him.
It was strange. He’d skipped a grade in elementary school, sailed through MIT, and had created his own doctorate program in Cosmic Theory. He understood Hawking and Einstein. But hadn’t missed those textbooks or his battered copy of The Tao of Physics (he did need to remember to bring that back with him) or laptops; he missed rain.
Rain. In the midst of all this chaos, it grounded him.
Rain fell against the side of the house. He’d missed the rain over the ocean, watching the way the clouds gathered along the horizon even as they broke over the beach. He’d missed lightning over the surf and listening to the ocean absorb the sounds of thunder.
Above him, he could hear distant sounds. Rygel’s snoring and Noranti’s sleep-infused ramblings were the loudest. Was Aeryn asleep?
Truth be told, he liked the mansion better than his father’s house. It was easier to relax for some reason – he didn’t want to think it was because he was now more at home with these aliens than on Earth (when had he suddenly started thinking of them as aliens?) but he knew it was the truth. It was easier to sit in a room with them than to stare at the faded memory of life before the Farscape project. Christmas traditions, something he’d missed so much while running helter-skelter all over the uncharted territories, now seemed strange and alien to him.
Home. Terra Firma. Home. Moya. Home. Aeryn.
He glanced up at a soft footfall; the object of his obsession hovered at the top of the stairs. Her hair fell loose around her bare shoulders; a thin tank top stretched across her chest. A pair of pj bottoms hung low on her hips and for a moment he stared at her flat stomach. Would the child inside her ever start to grow? What would Aeryn look like in the last full bloom of pregnancy?
“Why are you still here, John?”
Did she know just what her heavily accented English did to him? He shifted on the couch and stared back out the doors. Light reflected from the houses, casting an ethereal glow between the ground and sky. Far out across the ocean, lightning flashed. “Listening to the rain.” He took a breath and wished for the lakka in his coat pocket. It had been stupid to leave it out of reach.
“Want some company?”
The “yes” escaped him before he could stop himself. He watched her descend the stairs, wondering how he’d come to this point. He was an All-American boy. He liked his football and his beer and his blondes. How had he fallen in love with this exotic beauty? Even more, how had she fallen in love with him?
She settled on the couch, facing him, one long leg tucked up under the other. They looked at each other and he sighed, reaching for her hand.
“I’m sorry, Aeryn.”
“For what?”
“Every hurt I’ve inflicted on you and every one I’m about to.”
“I understand why you’re keeping your distance, John.”
“Then can you explain it to me?” He stared out the window again. Lightning streaked across the sky, illuminating everything for a brief moment. “Because this wasn’t the way I’d envisioned taking you home. I wanted you on my arm and …”
“You’re concerned about how Earth would react to us as aliens … and to you and me being together. Anyway, it isn’t like we are … doing well … right now.”
“Yeah.” Why did she have to be so damned forgiving and accepting of his treatment of her? He glanced at her, making out her still form in the shadows. “You … they did some medical tests?”
“They did. Your geneticists were interested in why it is we look so much alike.”
“They’re going to be able to tell you’re pregnant. It’ll take them a while, but …”
“I’m sure, yes, they’ll come to understand the elevated hormone levels.”
He sighed. “Aeryn …”
“You don’t want me down here, do you?”
“Yes. No. I don’t know.” He shook his head. “Whatever you want. It’s up to you.”
“You seem to be saying that a lot lately.”
“It’s how I feel.” He leaned forward and stared at his feet. “I’m scared.”
“I think we all are.”
“You deserve better than me.”
“I think that’s for me to determine, John.”
“What have I done but break your heart over and over again?”
“I’ve done my share of breaking yours. It’s something we can work through together. If you want to.”
“What have I done but die on you?”
“I died on you, too.”
“I killed you.”
“No, you didn’t. And the part of you that did is gone.”
“The part of me that killed you found you and saved your life and brought you back to Moya.” Her hand reached to touch his arm and he flinched; she pulled back and stared at her fingers. Christ, he’d done it again. “Aeryn …” but she was already standing, moving back toward the stairs.
“Maybe I should go back to bed.”
“No.” They stared at each other and lightning flashed across the sky. “No, stay. Please.” He was on his feet and his hands were on her waist. “Please, don’t … just stay here with me.”
“I …”
He silenced her words with his lips. He needed to touch her, to kiss her, to taste her. It couldn’t last beyond this moment, but it was raining outside and she was right here, and not being with her was driving him to more insanity than Harvey ever had. When he pulled back to catch his breath, he could see the tears that threatened to fall. Doing anything else could shatter her, shatter them. “I’m sorry,” he breathed, “I can’t promise that tomorrow everything will get better but please, stay here right now. Watch the rain with me.”
“We’ve watched rain before.”
“We’ve made love to it before.” He kissed her, lost in the very real memory of the fake Earth, of that first, tentative exploration of her body. Had that been the moment when she’d conceived? She said she didn’t know when it had happened; had it been then, when he’d lost himself in the feeling of her body wrapped around him and listened as she had cried his name when her body released.
Cautiously, her arms wrapped around his body, slowly and he knew she was waiting for him to pull back and push her away. Never again. He’d never do it again if he could. But he knew in the morning, when the sun was up and the rain clouds cleared, he’d go back to his nervous silence and she’d wonder what she’d done wrong.
He was such a bastard.
No, Aeryn, he stared into her eyes, his mind racing, you haven’t done anything wrong. I’m an asshole who couldn’t handle the idea that the baby might be his and not mine. I’m a jerk who refuses to tell you that the reason I haven’t let you near me is not because I’m pissed at you – God I’m not – but because that bastard Scorpius is on Moya and I don’t know what else to do but ignore you and forget I ever loved you. He’s going to use you against me. He already is. Your safety and the baby’s safety are all that matter and if I have to break both our hearts … God, Aeryn, I’m sorry.
Why, though, couldn’t he say it out loud?
His lips touched hers again, softly, asking permission, which she gave without hesitation. He sobbed into the kiss, biting her lip in his worry and fear. How could she ever forgive him for what he had done? For what he was doing?
Thunder rumbled out over the ocean and they leapt apart as if they’d just been caught making out by his parents. Suddenly, the tension broke and he started to laugh and Aeryn’s confused expression made it even funnier. “You ever think,” he said between giggles, “that the universe is just frelling with you?”
She grinned and a hint of a smile actually touched her eyes. “Every day, John.”
“Come on,” he took her hand, “let’s go outside.”
“John, it’s raining outside.”
“That’s what makes it even more romantic.”
They stepped onto the patio, moving past the poncho-covered security and toward the beach. A ways away, still on the property, a small cove of rocks sheltered them from curious eyes and vigilant watchmen. Rain greeted them, a soft mist now that the storm was moving further out to sea, but still enough for both of them to soon be thoroughly soaked through. Glancing at her, his eyes went straight to the outline of her taught nipples that poked through the thin fabric of her top. Heat surged through him and he grabbed her and kissed her. She didn’t fight.
Her tank top was tissue paper in his hands and he shoved the soggy cloth up and out of the way, letting his eyes feast on her breasts. Despite how thin she seemed, they looked bigger and he couldn’t help but wonder if it was a natural reaction to pregnancy. Stasis or not, her body had to have some biological reactions to the microscopic cells inside of her. He passed a hand over her nipple, relishing her closed eyes and the whimper that escaped her body. She was so frelling sensitive. Taking control of the moment, he pushed her back against the rock. She was willing in his arms, helping to rid him of his clothes but letting him take charge of the situation. He needed this one to be on his terms.
Rain flowed over them and as much as he wanted to stretch her out, to lick the rain from her, their mutual needs took precedence over all romance. Love could wait. Right now, he needed her, needed to claim her, needed to remind both of them that no matter how much of a jerk he could be at times, they still belonged to each other. In the morning, the sun would come up and the rain would be gone and this moment would be something to be buried under the lakka powder as he stalked the corridors of Moya, trying to avoid both her and Scorpius. He hooked her long leg over his hip and stopped only long enough to stare into her eyes. He wouldn’t if she needed more time. He’d hurt her enough. But she understood his question and took his hand and guided it between them. She was wet and ready. Taking back control, he lifted her just enough for leverage and then guided himself into her body. She cried out, the first sound either of them had made since emerging from the house, and he froze. “No, John,” she whispered, moving so she was positioned between the rock and him, with both legs around his waist, “it’s okay. It’s just been so long …” And he remembered.
“Hold on …” she gasped, “hold on … you …” She pushed against him, grimacing for a moment.
“Aeryn …” he started to pull out, suddenly fearful their bodies weren’t at all compatible.
“It’s … you’re just bigger than what … ahhh …” she closed her eyes and wrapped a leg around his hip. “Cholak …”
“Do you need …”
“No. Stay right where you are. Just give me a microt.”
He was bigger than most Sebacean men and she needed a minute. Even the slight difference in girth led them to discover places in her body that were just made for exquisite pleasure on both their parts, but she needed a minute to adjust to him otherwise it was painful for her.
“I’m right here, Baby,” he reassured her. Her breathing slowed and he knew she was okay and when he thrust again, he kissed her to keep both of them quiet. He knew full well that the security guards knew what they were doing, but he wasn’t going to have them come running either. He drove into her, this moment more about claiming her than tender lovemaking.
He broke the kiss and pressed his face into her shoulder, biting at the soft skin in an effort to maintain some kind of balance. He didn’t want to lose it before she did. This wasn’t just about him. But she was as wound as he was and it didn’t take much before he could feel her tight inner walls clenching at him. “Open your eyes, Aeryn,” he whispered, “look at me.”
She did. Lightning rolled across the clouds above them. He groaned and held her gaze even as she shattered apart and he emptied into her.
The rain continued to fall.
“You okay?” He released her legs and steadied her. He’d been rough and rain or not, the rock had to have been hard on her back. Her answer was to kiss him before she started to search for her clothes. “No …” he whispered.
“Why?”
He took her hand and led her into the shallow tide-pool near the edge of the cove. He knew this spot, knew the natural rock shelf would provide a place to sit. They had a while to go before sunrise and he wasn’t letting her go until he had to.
Settling down, he situated her between his legs and focused his attention on the spot on her neck that drove her completely insane. One hand wrapped around her chest, instantly seeking her breasts, the other moved down the front of her body in search of the row of nerve endings that served the same purpose as any human woman’s clit. In his opinion, it was a much better set up. More accessible erogenous zones and longer, multiple orgasms. He had to say that a Sebacean’s body was much more geared for pleasure than a human’s and he was lucky enough to get to try it. He spread her legs, hooking each one up and over his knees. Her head leaned back as he teased her. One finger, and then two, slid into her and she shifted, whimpering as he pumped in and out of her body; she was still clenching at him from her earlier release.
“John …” she gasped, one hand flying back to steady herself. Her other hand joined his, their fingers linking, and he grew completely hard again as together they brought her to a shattering orgasm. Without a word, he picked her up and turned her, impaling her still trembling body onto his. She moved over him – this had always been a favorite position – and he held onto her hips as she took control of the situation, setting the pace. Suddenly, he was in her hands – thank God.
“Aeryn …” She stilled, tightening her grip on him and he surged up, his hand fisting in her hair as he came with a yell he was sure the security guards heard. She bit his shoulder as again, her own body released.
The rain still fell.
“I love you,” he whispered. “Whatever else happens while we’re here, while we’re up on Moya, I never, ever want you to think that I don’t love you. You are everything to me. Absolutely everything.”
“But …”
“No buts, Aeryn. I can’t explain more than that right now. Please, just know how much I love you.”
“I love you too.” In her whisper he could hear the tears she would shed only when she was alone. By morning, she’d hate him almost as much as he hated himself. But tomorrow was Christmas Eve, a night meant to be for miracles, and maybe, this time, a miracle could come true. Maybe they would be okay. But for right now, all he could do was enjoy these few stolen moments.
Just a few more days and they’d be back on Moya.
And the heartbreak could begin again.