Feedback!
By: vegawriters
Pairing: GSR
Rating: Mature audiences only.
Spoilers: Takes place directly following Ending Happy but has allusions to Leapin’ Lizards and The Good, The Bad, and the Dominatrix.
A/N: I know a lot of us had the same idea after watching that adorable scene in Ending Happy. Well, here’s my take on it. Great minds think alike. This does take place in my Into the Looking Glass universe. Massive thank yous to simplekndofgirl for being online at 2 in the morning her time and still having the brain to beta for me. By the way, she is a cruel, cruel taskmistress and I think she has a future as a copy editor or at least as a Dom in Lady Heather's Dominion. ;) This will be up on my site sometime this weekend.
Disclaimer: Hire me, don’t sue me. You’ll get more out of me. Sara Sidle and Gil Grissom aren’t mine, but they’re playing in my head. Desrea Grissom is a figment of my storytelling.
For bluebeyonder. Tiffany, I wish you happiness, wherever you are.
Summary: “Our lives together have always been based on the here and now, Sara. We work and read forensic journals and watch movies together. We used to exchange e-mails about the growth rate of the blowfly and the validity of life on other planets but now you just fill up my inbox with reports I’d rather not read.”
Bouncing off of Clouds we were
is there a love Lost and Found
Make it easy
Make this easy
it’s not as heavy as it seems.
~Tori Amos/Bouncing off Clouds (American Girl Posse)
He gasped, his eyes closing against the assault of her gentle, exploring fingers as they wrapped around the base of his cock and stroked upwards. Her free hand rested over his throat, feeling the vibrations as he groaned in response to her actions. He loved her. He loved her long, blonde hair, expressive green eyes, and her amazingly articulate fingers. He tugged, bringing her down to his side, his lips finding hers, his fingers slipping down her thigh and up again, pushing the skirt out of the way. She was wet and wanting and he couldn’t wait any longer. Slowly, he broke the kiss and pulled back, looking into the eyes of the woman he knew he wanted to marry. Desrea nodded at his unspoken question and opened her legs further, freeing one hand to sign out simply, “Please.” Happily, he lowered his lips again to hers.
“So I make you happy?”
Grissom jumped. The book in his hands toppled to the floor and he realized he’d been staring at the same page for at least an hour. Where had the sound come from? Desi never … he looked up, his mind focusing now on the present, the hardwood floors of his home office, the shelves of books, and the boxer on the floor next to him. He was a different man than the one he’d been visiting, and before him was a different woman than the one in his memories. The woman in question was still red from the time she’d spend in the tub; her hair curled around her ears, the black shirt of his that she’d draped over her body clung in all the right places and it didn’t take any kind of education to know she was naked underneath.
Forcing his cock to stop controlling his thoughts, Grissom gave his partner a smile and beckoned her closer with a crook of his finger. Sara chuckled and sauntered forward, and with every step he took the moment to appreciate her endlessly long legs, how pale her complexion was against the dark of her hair, how her nipple rings stuck out slightly through the fabric of his shirt. Under the fabric, he could see she’d connected them with one of her chains and a new shiver overtook his body.
God he was a lucky man.
Twenty years ago, Grissom had given up on ever loving again but Sara proved, on a daily basis, just how wrong he’d been.
“Indescribably happy, Sara.”
“So,” Sara settled onto his lap. The dog looked up at the couple, snorted his distaste for human mating rituals, and hauled his body off the floor. His nails could be heard clicking on the hardwood as he moved to find a place not populated with humans. Sara sighed and leaned back a bit, running her fingers down Grissom’s chest.
“What’s on your mind, Honey?” Absently, Grissom’s hands stroked her bare legs but made no move to accelerate their activities, even though she had been the one to instigate the mood. She’d been off since the crime scene and even though Grissom wanted to blame the heat and being stuck out in the middle of no where, he knew that Sara’s introspective mood had everything to do with the question she’d asked about paying for sex.
She sighed and looked down, “I keep thinking about what we still don’t know about each other. We’ve known each other for ten … almost eleven years and I’m learning new things every day. Shouldn’t we be past that part by now?” She looked into his eyes. “It’s exciting, but I also keep expecting something to come out of no where and deliver a TKO.”
Despite chuckling at her rare use of a boxing metaphor, Grissom shook his head. “I promise you there are no love children, no lovelorn women ….”
“What about …?”
“Is she what this is about?” Truly, there was no way for him to reassure Sara that Heather’s needs would never again come first. Heather was a friend and confidant now, nothing more, but Sara had valid reasons for her insecurities. Suddenly, though, the root of her questions made sense and he felt the overwhelming need to reassure her that never once had he been a client of Heather’s. But could he without also opening the door to a potentially nasty argument?
“Partly.” She looked out, past the entry to his office, her eyes focusing on some point in the past that only her mind could see.
“Hey,” Grissom brought her hands to his lips, refocusing her gaze on him and not the mystery woman he hoped Sara would never meet. “Our lives together have always been based on the here and now, Sara. We work and read forensic journals and watch movies together. We used to exchange e-mails about the growth rate of the blowfly and the validity of life on other planets but now you just fill up my inbox with reports I’d rather not read.” After a minute, Sara started to laugh, and Grissom smiled as the specter of Heather dissipated from the room. “Getting into the past, that’s what the rest of our lives are for.”
“What about Desrea …” Sara bit her lip.
Grissom kissed her fingers again. “Sara, that was a lifetime ago.”
“She was still your first love, your first … everything.”
“And she died over twenty years ago.” Even now, it hurt to remember the doctors leading him to the lifeless body of his wife, but now it was a pain borne of the remembrance of innocence more than longing for Desrea. She would be happy he’d found Sara.
“There are days I feel like I should thank her, you know.”
“Why?”
“She gave you to me.”
He tugged her down into his arms again, hugging her tightly. A soft kiss planted on the side of her head released Sara from his grip and she sat up again, but her curiosity was still not satisfied.
“But that can’t be why sex without love makes you sad …”
He shook his head. “It’s part of it. But when I was first working for the coroner’s office – just a fresh-faced forensics investigator, I was called to this bachelor party. Mind you, Desrea and I were planning our wedding and so I was shocked to come down to reality over something like that scene. The prostitute they’d hired for the night was dead. Someone had taken the gang bang concept just … anyway. No one at the party felt remorse. She was just a body to them. I remember listening to the detectives talking to the men at the party and none of them cared. They’d used her and left her to die. After shift, I went over to Desrea’s and I don’t think I ever held her so tightly.”
“Babe …”
“So that … among other reasons.” He gave her a gentle smile. “Part of me truly thinks that it’s biological. No two species have the same mating rituals and different genus within species have their own rituals. It stands to make sense that humans are the same way. Some people are meant to be able to have many relationships at once, some are serially monogamous, and some are too frightened to open their hearts to emotional love because physical love means so much to them.”
“Have you ever had sex with someone without loving them?”
Her question surprised him, even though he’d known it was coming. He also knew where she was going with this train of thought and he had to find some way to reassure her about their first time together. “I’ve had my share of one night stands and casual relationships. But the sex that really meant something to me, there was always, always love involved.”
The real question he was waiting for came, a hoarse whisper he had to strain to hear. “You and I … is that the reason …”
“No.” He stroked her cheek. “I never, honestly, believed in love at first sight until I looked at you. Before we even made it back to your place that night, I knew I was in love with you. I put aside everything I knew about chemical reactions in the brain and lust and … just … I wanted to make love to you because I already loved you. You make me happy. You always have.”
“Then why …”
“Because I’m a stupid man, Sara.” He sighed and looked at her, unsure of the words his lips were forming, but unable to think before he spoke. “Somewhere along the line, I looked at you and saw youth and beauty and perfection and I didn’t think I deserved it. I left you in San Francisco when I could have insisted you come back with me. I could have saved you from Dan …but I didn’t because I respected you too much to not let you make that decision for yourself.” Unconsciously, his fingers traced the almost invisible scar on her arm, envisioning the impression Dan’s steel-toed boot had made. He focused on her arm, not her silent gaze. “When I made love to you, even the first time, I was terrified of the surge of emotion that came from just watching you sleep afterwards. I felt guilty because you stirred emotions in me that I’d never felt, even with Desrea, and I married her. It was easier to convince myself when I came back to Vegas that what we’d had in San Francisco was just physical attraction. I compartmentalized it … I wanted to believe the emotions I felt every time I looked at you were nothing but lingering post-coital endorphins. It was easier than letting …” he sighed and corrected himself, finally able to put some thought to his words, “I thought it would be easier than loving you, especially when you did transfer to Vegas. I’m a stupid man,” he repeated, “and loving you as much as I do scared me.” His heart thudded with the adrenaline of the unexpected release of emotion and he realized it was time to leave her the letter. Maybe it would help her really understand where he was coming from. “I thought it would be easier to lie to both of us about how I felt. I was wrong.”
She let out a tear-filled sigh. “Gil Grissom, you are the most difficult person in the world to love. You realize that, right?”
“Another reason I was terrified to let you back into my life. Eventually, I knew you’d find out just how difficult I am … ” His hands roamed her legs.
“I’m still here.” Her soft words were punctuated with her fingers cupping his chin and forcing his gaze back to hers. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Grissom took her hand and traced her fingers slowly, his mind always on the ring he knew she knew about. But the time wasn’t right, even though she’d already told him that, when he was ready to ask, the answer was yes. “It astonishes me sometimes.” He drew her close for a kiss and then settled her next to him on the couch. Her legs reached out to balance on the nearby footstool and parted slightly and he took the opportunity to stroke up the insides of her thighs.
His eyes trailed over her as she gasped in response to his fingers dragging between her folds. She was so wet, so ready, and his erection strained against his jeans, desperate to be allowed to take full advantage of the situation. Demanding patience from his own body, Grissom slipped a finger into Sara and she bucked at the contact, whimpering as his thumb grazed her clit. She gasped softly, her back arching, her body trying to get closer to his hands, but Grissom refused to grant her mercy. Not yet. He wanted to watch, to listen as she moaned his name.
Sara’s whimpers were accented with a gasp as he added a second finger. She reached for him, wanting more than what he was allowing, and he took mercy on her, pressing his thumb against her swollen clit. At his soft command, she opened her shirt but when she reached for him again, he stilled her movements by tugging briefly on the chain that connected her breasts. Knowing she wouldn’t be able to hold still, he gently took both thin wrists in his free hand and held them still against her abdomen.
“Gil …”
His eyes focused for a minute on her lips and the small pink tongue that darted out to wet them. Growling softly, he kissed her again, still working her body to his will. She whimpered and bit down on her lip as he leaned down and took a nipple into his mouth, teasing at the nipple ring before tugging on the metal gently with his teeth. Sara screamed his name, desperate to move, but the bulk of his body held her in place and it didn’t take long before she was giving in to the tremors that shook her. Slowly, Grissom moved his wet hand up her body before brushing her lips with his thumb. “I love you,” Grissom murmured, looking into her eyes.
“I love you,” she whispered, still catching her breath.
He freed her wrists and she reached for him, leaving him to his shirt, but helping to divest him of his jeans and boxers. Grissom slid into her body, hitching her legs around his hips. They moved together, in perfect tandem.
And he’d never been happier.