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Summary: He hadn’t spoken to her since she’d walked out of the layout room; the last time he’d heard her voice had been when he’d called her phone, only to get the professional tone of her voicemail.
I don't know why I find it so difficult to express my feelings to you.
~Gil Grissom, “Meet Market” & “Leapin’ Lizards”
The long driveway shimmered in the mid-morning heat. Grissom crawled toward the carport, scared to death that he’d find an empty space large enough for two cars, a very large kennel, and a workbench. In his mind’s eye, she and Price were long gone. She’d head back to San Francisco for a while, visit with her brother, and then onward, away from Vegas forever. He hadn’t spoken to her since she’d walked out of the layout room; the last time he’d heard her voice had been when he’d called her phone, only to get the professional tone of her voicemail. Twenty-four hours had passed since she’d told him to “do what he needed to do.”
Taking the morning to introduce Heather to her granddaughter probably hadn’t been the smartest thing he could have done in regard to his relationship with Sara, but Heather had needed it and him. What else was he supposed to do, he growled, anger building in a defensive place in his chest as he neared the house. She told him to go do what he needed to do. He’d done it, and if she couldn’t handle it … it wasn’t as if he hadn’t left her a message.
Instantly, the anger dissipated.
The silver Prius he’d nicknamed “bug” was in its usual spot. Unable to help himself, he checked the backseat, looking for her suitcases or piles of clothes. But the backseat was spotless and the harness they used for the boxer when he was in one of their cars was still hanging in its place above the workbench. Carefully, he unlocked the door and found the stairwell leading to the main level empty. Price wasn’t waiting, begging to be let out, so either Sara was inside somewhere and the dog was with her, or she had taken him for one of their marathon runs. Her purse was on the table in the entryway, her boots on the floor, lined up under the rack where they hung their keys and jackets. Her kit was in its place in the corner waiting for him to set his beside it. He did and noted as he unclasped his weapon and set it in the box in the locked cupboard that her gun had been cleaned and put away as well.
Everything appeared to be as it should be.
But, it was silent, so he worried and wondered. His initial theory, Sara and Price off for a jog, held a lot of weight, but it was also late for all of them. Maybe she’d simply succumbed to exhaustion and was passed out, letting the dog take up his side of the bed. Maybe she’d jogged the miles back into town and gone to Greg’s. No. Sara would have left a note, telling him where she was. Even in her anger, and Sara had her reasons to be angry, she never left without telling him where she was going to be.
Forcing himself to slow his breathing, he took a look around the open living and dining area of their home. She wasn’t in the kitchen or in her spot at the breakfast nook and he could tell she wasn’t asleep on the couch. Turning to start his investigation of her office and the library, something caught his eye and his pulse returned to a far more normal state.
It was easy to miss the two figures on the shadowed porch, but they were there. Taking a minute to compose his own raging worries and stress over the events of the last few days, Grissom stepped out onto the balcony and waited for them to notice him. Price looked up, but stayed at Sara’s side. The boxer’s eyes only held accusations and recrimination - Master had made Mistress cry. With a soft sigh, Grissom stepped toward the empty chair and settled next to Sara. An unopened beer warmed on the table between them while her hands worried the braided choker he’d given to her on Christmas. Her fingers traveled the silk, toying with the fabric, caressing the engraved clasp – one side with his initials, the other with hers. Finally, when he couldn’t bear to not touch her any longer, he reached over the dog’s head and stilled her restless hands, taking the closest in his. For a long moment, Sara remained unresponsive, and they both sat, watching the shadows from the clouds.
“Sara …”
“Just … don’t right now …”
He watched her wipe away a tear away and squeezed the hand he held, bringing her fingers to his lips for a kiss.
“Stop.” She carefully retracted her hand and he watched her body shake, her control slipping with every breath. She pressed the choker to her eyes and he sat, waiting for her to take the lead. He’d heard the tone in her voice more than once before – the night after his own confession to Dr Lurie, the night he’d kissed her after she’d confessed her darkest secrets, the first night back from Williams; he’d pounced on her but she’d needed first to talk. That tone meant he was not in control of the situation.
It didn’t stop him from trying to reassure her. “Nothing happened.”
The choker crumpled in her fingers and she sighed. Every word she uttered was forced and ragged, “Gil, when I told you to stop, I meant it. When I told you to do what you needed to do, I meant it. I’m a big girl. I can live with the consequences of my actions.”
“Sara. Nothing happened.”
She wrapped her arms around herself and he fought against every instinct to reach out and bring her into his lap. “Something did happen.” She sighed. “Whether or not it was sexual, something happened. This is the second time in a year that you’ve come back to me, without letting me know where you were going or where you had been, and the first words out of your mouth have been “nothing happened.” Do you know how suspicious that makes me?” She loosened her grip on the choker. “I trust you, but you chose to go there without even telling me what you were doing.”
He winced at the exasperation in her voice and tried to reach for her hand again. She eluded him.
“I’m used to lying in bed alone, we both are. We get into the rush of a case and before we know it, two or three shifts have gone by. Maybe I’m a hopeless romantic at heart, but there’s something about knowing that my lover is out there, catching the bad guys. That’s why, at first, I was almost okay with you not being home. After all, you were out on a case. We don’t always call when we’re on a case, sometimes we don’t have time.” She stared at him. “But it wasn’t just about the case.”
“Sara …”
“Then, when I got to the lab again, I open the case file and there it is, recorded by both Jim and Catherine, that you are on record as being her alibi! I’ve got Jim following me around to make sure I’m not about to explode and kill the secret that we’ve sworn him to. And, now, everyone in the lab is whispering about you and Lady Heather … they all know the gossip. Apparently, most people know it better than I do. Hodges wasted no time in talking to me all he knew about the history between the two of you,” they both rolled their eyes, “and Tawny from days was so thrilled I was on the case because well, I’d know something, about Bugman and the Dominatrix.” She started to laugh, but it was an angry, heartbreaking laugh that sent shivers up Grissom’s spine. “God, that sounds like a title for a bad romance novel.”
They sat in silence for a minute, her collecting her thoughts and him wondering where to even start. When she looked at him again, the softness in her eyes gave him leave to reach over and rest his hand on her arm. For a long moment she looked down at where his fingers connected to her skin, and when she continued speaking, voicing what he now understood where years old insecurities, he stopped trying to prepare his defense and listened to what she was saying. “Do you know what I have to hear in the halls and the bathrooms and the fucking locker room, Gil? Do you know what they say? You come out as this macho hero stud who has sex with a hot dominatrix and I’m this pathetic loser who is still pining after you. I want to scream at them and tell them that I’ve got you now but it isn’t the truth because I was alone in bed, and you were with her. She still has that power over you. I can’t say anything because you’ve declared that we’re sworn to secrecy. So, the rumors fly and I’m the one who is hurt by them. So, really, it’s obvious that I don’t have you even though I’m supposed to be the one you come home to. They’re right when they whisper that I’m the other woman in your relationship with her. They don’t know that I’ve known about her for years but that I’ve never talked about her to you because it hurts too much.” She took a shaking breath and held up the phone before setting it down next to the sweating beer. “At least today, you called. I knew you’d be going over there again. At least this time you had the grace to tell me where you’d be. If you hadn’t … I honestly don’t know if I’d be here right now.” For a minute, Grissom stopped breathing. Her confession shattered him, but he had called and she was here. They could get through this.
“I’ve never wanted to talk about her, but now,” Sara’s voice continued as he moved his fingers down her arm. Their hands linked and he squeezed, reassuringly. When she squeezed back, he started to breathe normally again. “She’s right here, Gil. She’s in the room. She’s … in my face and I can’t get away from her anymore.” She sniffed. “Catherine’s right, you know. She’s beautiful and charming and smart and commands submission.” Again, her voice cracked and Sara pulled her knees up and rested her head on them. She left their fingers linked. “She’s perfect for you.” Her eyes traveled back to the choker and she sighed. “Do you remember what you said when you gave this to me?”
I never thought I could feel this kind of trust with anyone …
His mind returned instantly to the early hours of Christmas and the glow of her skin under the lights of the tree. He’d tugged her robe open and laid her on it, sliding the collar around her neck, watching her as she stretched out, naked but for the silk and her glittering body jewelry. The rest of the presents were forgotten as he replaced each ring and barbell with ones that matched the sky blue of the choker.
She’d given herself, completely to him. For all the scenes they’d enacted, for all the times she’d been on her knees, eagerly taking what he demanded, it had been the most intimate moment of their lives. He’d claimed her and she’d given him the trust of owning her soul.
This moment means more to me than any proposal … but Sara … someday …
He choked and squeezed her fingers. “Of course.”
No matter where I go or what I do, Sara, you are my safety, my sanity … I love you.
“I’m not the only one you ever trusted like this … is it?” The betrayal in her voice sliced through him, exposing what was left of his secrets. When he looked up again, she was staring at him, defeated. “Please, don’t say she’s just a friend, Gil. Don’t. I know you aren’t sleeping together or doing scenes together anymore. She’s still more than a friend. You fell in love with her and that’s a big deal with you.” Sara’s voice was a tortured whisper. “She’s the biggest reason you pulled away from me. She was this exotic wonder who matched you at mental chess and who teased you and taunted you and …” She took another breath and looked out at the shadows in the yard below. “I knew about your feelings for Terri Miller. Hell, privately, I encouraged them. After all, you’d said over and over how we couldn’t be lovers if you were my supervisor.” The look she gave made him blush. He’d broken that rule on a very regular basis, at least, until Heather had come into the picture. “I could handle Terri,” Sara continued, “but when She came into your life … I knew … I knew you’d found someone. You pulled away from me and you still do it whenever she’s involved. Then, I could reconcile you falling in love with someone else. It hurt like hell, but I wanted you to be happy. I tried to deal because maybe we were just meant to be friends. But I never, ever stopped loving you for one second … I think the difference is that you stopped loving me. At least, for a little while. Maybe it would have been better if I’d taken that leave of absence and tried a job elsewhere; far away from us.”
“Sara …”
“At least you have a handle on my name.”
“Can I say something, please?”
He took her silence for permission and, ignoring the creak in his knees, moved to kneel in front of her. “You’re right. My relationship with Heather was something far more than friendship at one time. I loved her, which is not something I come to easily. You know that more than anyone.” Her shoulders started to shake as her tears came, but he pressed on. She needed to hear him. “But she also knew about you. Part of me thinks that the reason I failed her is because every time I was with her, I felt as if I was betraying you. Yes, we were intimate with each other. But it only happened once. Our relationship was one of conversation more than sex.”
Sara just stared at him. “That’s supposed to make me feel better, Gil?”
He sighed, acknowledging her point with a shake of his head, but he kept talking. “Yes, she submitted to me and in many ways she still does.” Maybe he was making things worse, maybe not, but he had to keep going. “But we don’t have that kind of relationship any longer. Sara, it’s you. It’s only you.” He could feel her pulling away from him and he grabbed the choker and wound his fingers into it. This, more than the engagement ring he still hadn’t found the courage to slip onto her finger, was sacred. This thin strip of braided silk that bound their hands represented everything to him. “Sara, please …what do you need from me?”
She looked up at him and her red-rimmed eyes only made him hurt even more. “I don’t know, Gil. I don’t.” A new tear slipped free, down her cheek. “But you’re sitting there blaming yourself and trying to justify things from a time when we weren’t even together … and I’m realizing how infantile I sound. Before you get too wrapped up in the self-guilt, remember that I’m an adult too.” Her free hand brushed through his curls, and he sighed softly. “I’m not being fair either … you’ve tried to bring her up more than once and I’m the one who has avoided talking about her. I didn’t want to know this woman who had this part of you first. I couldn’t know her. I still can’t. Not yet. Not as anything more than a case file.” She dried her face and sighed, glancing up at the sky. “I’ve had plenty of opportunity to talk to you about her, but I’m insecure and childish in a lot of ways. It doesn’t excuse you, though … and I’m not talking about your friendship with her.” She looked down at the way their fingers linked in the silk braid of the choker. “I’m talking about you being so closed off. We’ve been back together for two years now, Gil. We have a mortgage and a dog and more than once we’ve talked about me stopping the birth control and going along with whatever happens as a result. How can we have a child together if we can’t communicate?”
“I …”
“You can’t sit there and tell me you’ll change, Gil. I’m done with the words. I need action. As for Heather … I’m sure you have some hot fantasy that even you’d never admit to where you’re dominating both of us at the same time.” The sad laughter that bubbled from her chest only broke his heart. “And I know you love me … which is why I’m so damned upset. You could have … told me. What did you think I’d have done? Do you really think I’d have thrown a hissy fit and kept you from a friend? Is that the image that you have of me? Was it easier to not say anything because that way you wouldn’t have my reaction on your mind when you knocked on her door? You didn’t even come to me, Gil. What is it, exactly, that you share with her that you don’t with me?”
He stared at her, knowing that she wanted an answer but completely unsure of what to say. Finally, he shrugged. “I don’t know, Sara.” He didn’t think it was a fair question, but she’d asked it and he had to give her an honest answer. He did have a connection with Heather that he didn’t share with the woman he loved, and it wasn’t fair to any of them.
She sighed and wiped the tears away from her cheeks. “I really don’t know what I’m angry at or who I’m angry with. I hate her and you and me and all of this. I just … is what I am to you not enough? You still hold me at arms length. You needed to be away from me to deal with your burnout and while hiding that letter in plain sight was the most romantic gesture you’ve done in a long time, right now, I’m only seeing the entire gesture through this haze of you still being unable to really be with me. You couldn’t be in the room while I read it.” Her chest heaved with a barely contained sob. “What am I doing wrong!? What is it that I’m not doing? Obviously, it’s something.” The words were colored with a tone less of self-pity and more of desperation and fear. In that moment, he realized just how much she worried she was going to lose him, not to Heather but to his introverted, solitary ways.
“Sara …Sara, listen to me.” His hand cupped her cheek, forcing her gaze to remain on his. “You are everything to me. I don’t say it, I know. I can’t say it most of the time, but you are absolutely everything to me.” He brought their clenched fists up between them, the braids of the choker knotting together. “What you and I have together goes far deeper than any connection Heather and I have. I’ve loved you since I first laid eyes on you. But right now, I am the only one Heather trusts. Hopefully, that is changing, right now.” He paused, wording what he had to say carefully but knowing that it would still hurt her. “I am the only one Heather truly submitted to in a very long time. She trusts me and she’s in trouble and there aren’t many friends I’m good at being there for. Yes, years ago I did love her but I screwed up my relationship with her. I’m there for her as a friend now. A friend. She knows about you and how much I love you. What we have, you and I, goes far deeper than anything else with anyone else in my life. I suck at being an us, I know that. But I’m trying.”
“Try harder.” She sighed and let her fingers curl into his a bit. “All I want is for you to talk to me about things. I’m not asking for chapter and verse – but I deserve to know where you are, not just physically, but mentally. Just … talk to me. I don’t care if you have her in your life … but, Gil, I’m more than … what was it you said a couple of weeks ago? I’m more than reports in your inbox that you’d rather not read. I’m more than conversations about aliens and watching your racing roaches and going for walks with Price. That’s what we do together, but it’s not who we are.” She sighed again but he could feel he was gaining ground. “And if you want to ever have the kids conversation again, and if you want to marry me,” she made a pointed reference to the ring she knew about, “I need to know that you’re with me. I don’t think that I’ll ever stop being jealous of Heather, ever. But I won’t stop you from being there for a friend. Just … talk to me.” She sighed and closed her eyes. “I need to be the woman for you that I am in our bedroom. I need to be your partner, otherwise all I am is your whore.”
He flinched, and knew she felt it. He started to form the words to defend himself, to defend Heather’s presence in his life, but the words had been said. Then, as always, Sara surprised him.
“Is she going to be okay?”
When he looked back up into her eyes, he could tell she was worried. Not so much for Heather, most likely, but for him. Slowly, he nodded, “I think so. I found someone she needed to see.” He smiled when Sara’s fingers linked completely with his. “She still needs support right now, though.”
“Then …” Sara sighed. “You do what you have to do. I mean that. All I ask is that you’re honest with me. I’ll hate you for going over there, but I have no more right to stop you than you do when I go to Greg’s. Just … talk to me. Please.” She nodded to the abandoned phone. “At least … leave me a message.”
“Okay.” He caught a tear as it fell from her eyes.
“There are times I hate you, you know that, right?”
“I know.”
Sara sighed and stood up, but left their fingers linked in the choker. Gingerly, he rose to his feet, watching her.
“I’m going to bed. Swing has me as backup so I need a couple hours sleep before they call me in.”
They stared at each other for a long moment before he brought her close against his body. His fingers stroked her neck and arm before he extracted the choker from their hands and fastened it around her neck. Gently, he wrapped his arms around her and just held her, tightly; waiting until her the last of her shaking had subsided. Kissing her temple reverently, he pulled back and looked down at her pale face. “Come to bed,” he ordered, gently. Whether she would allow him to touch him when they reached the loft bedroom was a mystery, but she had allowed this moment. If anything, it was a start.