The Sheep and the Hedgehog

Part 3

Saiyans are from Mars, Women are from Venus

After shooing Bulma away, Vegeta wondered if he hadn't crossed the line. As much humiliating as it was to admit, she was right: he really lived there out of charity. The simple fact of those people accepting him back after he had stolen their ship was unbelievable; this time, however, they certainly wouldn’t be so forgiving. Of course, he could threaten to kill them if they tried to put him out, but Vegeta didn't believe they would take him seriously. At least, not the woman or her moronic excuse for a mother.

But the moronic excuse appeared by next with the promised soup, babbling cheerfully as if nothing had happened. The hole at the wall rendered nothing beyond an absent look and a comment that the termites were probably attacking again and that she would have to call that handsome boy from the terminating service. At this, Vegeta began to relax. The woman had no guts to turn him in. He should have known. Despite her bravado, she was as cowardly as the rest of her weak-blooded race. He smirked, feeling a mixture of disdain and deception.

Next morning, he woke up at the 5:00, a little earlier than his usual. Thanks to the indiscreet "old" blonde, he knew that Bulma wasn’t exactly a morning person, so he would take one extra hour to train before she was up and in his hair.

At least that was what he thought. He had just switched the machine on when the holographic screen appeared showing a sleepy-faced, blinking Bulma.

"Good morning, Vegeta" she said at the middle of a yawn "You're really early today."

The Saiyan widened up his eyes. That woman was the entire Ginyu Troop in one person!

"You slept there?" he asked irritably. She nodded and yawned again.

"I knew you would come despite my warnings, so I got up a little earlier too, but… (yawn) I fell asleep again. Luckily I had installed an alarm to wake me as soon as you turned the machine on. You should rest a little more before coming back to train, Vegeta. Maybe tomorrow..."

"I'm not interested in your opinions. Why won't you go and hassle your boyfriend, if you still have one?"

Bulma’s blue eyes stung.

"You asked for this!"

He saw her open her mouth wide, spray something in her throat, make a gurgle sound, and finally take a deep breath. Then, she started yelling with all her lungs:

"PEEEE....PEE,PEE, PEE, PEEEE...."

The Saiyan stared at her in complete bewilderment.

What she was doing now?

“PEEE….PEE, PEE, PEE, PEE….”

Suddenly, his legs started to entwine onto each other, moved by a very unusual feeling that assaulted his body. It was a sort of pain he never had felt before.

"W-what's this?"

The response soon became obvious. Vegeta literally flew towards the restroom in the ship, and if it wasn't his super-velocity it would had been too late.

His howls could be heard outside of the ship:

"#$^@HELL^&(~WOMAN! &* (@WHEN I'LL GET YOU!!!! AAAAARRRGH!!!!"

He yelled so much and so loud that Bulma’s parents woke up and came to see what was happening. They found their daughter in the laboratory, rolling on the floor and holding her belly as she cackled hysterically.

"But... what is Vegeta doing now?” asked the doctor.

"H-he is... he's having a pretty bellyache!" Bulma barely could breathe from laughing so much, let alone to talk.

"Oh poor little thing” said Mrs. Briefs "Did he eat something wrong?”

For the couple's puzzlement, her question just increased Bulma’s laughs.

A few minutes later, Vegeta, red with fury and shame, came back fuming and sending smoke from every hole in his head. At the holographic screen, Bulma calmly read a fashion magazine.

"What have you done to me, you bitch?" he demanded.

"Bitch? Watch your mouth, Saiyan. I am a lady!"

"You're worse than a bitch! What kind of magic was that?"

"Do you like it? It's an old invention of mine. I call it Pee Pee Candy. I slipped one in your soup yesterday."

"You messed with my soup? That explains why it tasted so terrible!"

Bulma ignored the insult.

"Since you won't listen I had to make something drastic. The Pee Pee Candy’ll give you a bellyache every time I’ll shout pee-pee. If you don't want me to do it again, you’d better settle down and rest. Tomorrow you may train again, if your wounds are better."

"Who do you think you are to tell me what to do or not..."

"Pee, pee, peee...." she said mockingly.

Vegeta tossed a ki ball at the hologram before he ran back to the bathroom.

He was wrong: that woman wasn't the Ginyu Troop.

She was Freeza.

********

They didn't exchange a word for the rest of the morning.

On one hand, Bulma was happy with the success of her plan; on the other, this same success started to get on her nerves. After recomposing himself, Vegeta had threatened to kill her again and called her a lot of ungodly names: he simply didn’t understand that was for his own good. Then, since that didn’t work, he adopted the tactic of silent terrorism, by crossing his arms and scoring the walls of wherever she was passing by and shooting her murderous looks. Bulma pretended not to notice it, but she shrunk inwardly.

The lunch was something close to an ordeal. They both ate in silence, with Vegeta occasionally looking up to glare at Bulma, who seemed very fascinated by her own food. Between them, the Dr. Briefs tried unsuccessfully to pull some talk, puzzled at such a gloomy mood at table. Only his wife kept talking in her bubbly usual way as she didn’t notice anything:

"Why did you wrap this cloth on your arm, honey?" Vegeta suddenly heard the elder woman ask. He didn't pay any attention. If he had, however, he could have seen his blue-eyed tormentor flush slightly:

"What, this? I- I... I hurt myself yesterday. I took a spill, that's all. But this color matches greatly with my new dress, doesn't it? " she said with a forced grin "I think I'm gonna release a new fashion!"

Her father gave her a concerned look.

"Maybe it'll be better if you'll not work today, dear." he said.

"But dad, it's just a... "Bulma started to say, but she gave in and sunk her shoulders. Inwardly, she felt like smacking on herself. As she had previewed, Vegeta’s grasp had produced a horrible purple bruise on her arm, which would take weeks to fade away entirely. No one had noticed it the previous day because she had worn a long-sleeved dress the whole time; today, however, it was too hot to do the same without causing suspicion, so she had no way but wrapping a bandana over the bruise. She thought about telling her parents the truth, but her tongue refused to move. Damn it, why did she keep protecting that ungrateful asshole?

"Huh? What did you say, mom?"

"I asked why you and Vegeta won’t take a day-off.” Said the blonde woman “ You could have a picnic together..." she stopped by noticing the two murderous stares directed at her, from the opposite sides of the table, and opened her eyes in puzzlement "Did I say something wrong?”

Dr. Briefs tried to calm down the mood:

"Your mother made a great suggestion, Bulma. You could go to the movie with that boyfriend of yours...”he made an effort to remember the name “…Yamcha. By the way, where is he? That’s twice we haven’t seen him for lunch, he and that cute little blue cat …ouch!” he felt something sharp plunging in his skin and whipped his head aside. From its perch at the doctor’s shoulder, Scratch, his small black cat, stared at him with visible jealousy. The old man gave him a reassuring smile and a tiny bit of his beef.

After his resurrection, Yamcha had moved back to the Capsule Corp and joined Pual and Oolong. When Vegeta returned from the space and Bulma invited him back, too, the cowardly pig had fled to Kameroshi’s house, but Yamcha and Pual had stayed bravely in the house, despite the little cat’s misgivings. Inwardly, Bulma suspected that Yamcha wanted to protect her. Ha! She could tell him he was wasting his time. Vegeta never would look at a woman unless she had black spiked hair, a tail and a permanent scowl.

At her father’s mention about her still boyfriend, however, Bulma realized that she hadn’t given him a single thought since the Gravity Room had exploded. She felt a pang of guilt.

“Funny, Dad, now you said that I haven’t seen Yamcha for a good while. You’re saying he and Pual haven’t come for lunch since yesterday? Even to dinner?”

"None of them, honey." her mother laughed "It’s just..."

Vegeta stood up, for the Briefs’ surprise. Usually, he never left the table before cleaning up his fourth plate of food (and he was just on his second ).

"Why are you going, Vegeta? " asked Mrs. Briefs "You hadn't finished your lunch."

"Your empty talking is turning my stomach." he snorted "I’ll get some air... though this is not of your business."

Bulma stood up, too.

“Some air my foot!” she yelled at him“ You’re going back to train until you’ll be almost dead again, that’s what you’re planning to do! Well, give it up, cause you’re not going anywhere until you’re completely healed!”

“And what are you going to do?” he sneered “To fly after me screaming pee-pee with a loudspeaker?”

Bulma started to open her mouth, but noticed her parents staring at her and closed it again. She couldn’t use her power in front of them, and gave him a glare of frustration. Vegeta smirked at her and left. She slumped back on her chair, her appetite completely lost.

“What’s Vegeta talking about, honey?” asked Dr. Briefs.

“Oh nothing, dad. It’s a Vegeta’s thing . “she played with a small piece of noodle “ You know he’s a little touched in his head. What you were saying about Yamcha, mom?”

*****

At the streets next to the Capsule Corp, several people turned and yelped, scared with a sudden wind storm that hadn’t been announced by the meteorologists. A lady that left the beauty parlor found herself only in undergarments at the middle of the street, and worse, with her fancy 70 zeni hairstyle completely ruined. Newspapers, purses, hats and many other objects were found by their owners (or others) in the most odd places. A worried mother found her baby boy cheerfully shredding some daisies in a flower box where he had been swept from her arms.

At the same way it appeared, the windstorm left the city, seeding surprises and distress on its way. It flied over a river, pushing a lot of fishes to the earth, for the glee of some impoverished families that lived around. A couple of pterodactyls that were cheerfully feeding their baby chicks at the top of a mountain almost had no time to save the nest with the chicks, because at the next second there was no mountain beneath them.

Vegeta flew so fast that only the Z warriors could see him now. Hardly.

Grrrr. Who did she think she was?

To the hell with that woman and her ridiculous concern and her stupid boyfriend! If he couldn’t use the Gravity Room he would train at the woods or anywhere else. Maybe the best to do would be look for another place to stay, a cave or whatever, so he would no longer have to put up with that crazy family.

******

“YAMCHA’S GONE?! Like this, without having said me a word?!”

Mrs. Briefs had just told Bulma what happened to her boyfriend. Yamcha had left the Capsule Corp. right at the same day Vegeta had almost died in that horrible explosion. She was still so stunned and shocked by the event, wondering if the poor dear wouldn’t pass away when Yamcha appeared overloaded with suitcases and packs as Pual floated behind asking if he wasn’t being too hasty. The boy almost ran onto her, literally.

“Yamchie? Where are you going?” she asked.

“I don’t know. Why won’t you ask your daughter?!” he snapped out before the two left, without even saying goodbye. Mrs. Briefs shook her head sympathetically as she remembered:

“I don’t know what bit him, but he looked really upset… what’s wrong, Bulma?”

She didn’t respond. Just stiffened in chair, her face pale and her eyes staring at the opposite wall. He thought… he had thought that she… oh Kami.

”That idiot!” she jumped to her feet, almost pushing her chair down “I know exactly what he’s thinking. That stupid, dirty-minded jerk! But if he thinks that I’m going after him, he’s deadly wrong.” She mumbled as she stomped her way out of the kitchen.

Her parents just exchanged a puzzled look.

“Young people… “ the blonde woman sighed and bent to pick up the plates of food that Vegeta and Bulma had left almost untouched.

******

Vegeta flew for a long time, without taking directions, until he felt a very familiar ki.

“Kakarott!” he stopped into middle- air and looked down. A few meters away from him there was a mountain, from which there was a small house in the domo-shape he was already used to see. To not leave any doubt about the identity of its occupant, there were a famous orange gi and pants among other dripping clothes that hanged from a rope attached between two posts. There was also a navy-blue undershirt lying on the grass (too heavy to be hung).

The Saiyan prince powered down and hit the floor as silently as he could. He could feel Kakarott’s and his son’s kis inside the house, along with a human’s, whom he couldn’t identify. Its ki was too small to belong to any of Kakarott’s friends, still it was a little bigger than the kis of Bulma and the rest of the humans with whom he was forced to live. Feh. It didn’t matter. At his level of power he couldn’t defeat Kakarot, of course (to not mention the wounds), but a little fight would help him to quell his anger. He looked around, checking on the yard, with the trees and the bath, and the humble looking-house, and couldn’t help to compare with his fancy accommodations at the Capsule Corp.

“So that’s where Kakarott lives. What poverty. “

If he was Super Saiyan he would be living in a palace, not in a run-down hovel in the middle of nothing.

He heard steps and the voices of Kakarott and his son getting louder, signaling they were leaving the house. He slipped behind a tree, expecting to catch them by surprise.

“WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING?”

The scream almost sent Vegeta back into the air. It couldn’t be! Even there she didn’t leave him alone? Then he came back to reason. It couldn’t be Bulma, the voice was different. That voice obviously belonged the creature whose ki he had detected… As to confirm his thought, at the next second Kakarott and the brat broke out of the house, with an odd-looking woman running after them. She had jet black hair pulled back and tied in a bun, and wore a dark-blue dress revealing a pair of baggy trousers underneath. Over the dress, a sort of orange bandana wrapped over her shoulders and a white rectangle of cloth that Bulma’s mother called ‘apron’. Vegeta never had seen anything so bizarre, despite having met lots of alien cultures.

“Come back, I’m telling you!” she grabbed Goku by his shirt and seized the leg of Gohan, who had already begun to float. “Who taught you two to leave the table before finishing to eat?! Come back inside, it’s almost Gohan’s studying time. (For her, every time is Gohan’s studying time ^_^’ ).

“But mom,” Gohan whimpered “We’ve got no time for this now! Mr. Piccolo‘s waiting for us.

”Let him wait! I gave you my permission to train, alright, (and I’ll regret that my entire life) but it doesn’t mean I’m going to have you pushing your studies aside. Today we’ll review everything you have learned.

“But we already did that last night!”

“Then we’ll do it again! And don’t talk back to me, young man. Since that year when Piccolo snatched you away you’ve become quite disrespectful to me!”

”You’re overreacting it, Chi-chi,” Goku butted in “Gohan didn’t disrespect you. He just said the truth.”

”Stay out of this!” for Vegeta’s shock, she turned around and smacked Goku on his face. He fell seated on the grass.

“Ouch! That hurts, “he moaned, brushing his now reddened cheek.

“It’s supposed to! I told you so many times to never argue with me in front of Gohan but you insist it! Don’t you see you’re subverting my mother authority?”

Goku took a few steps back.

“I-I didn’t argue with you! I just said…”

”See? Did it again!” she bent with a fierce look over her cowering husband “Nice example you give to our son! That’s why he doesn’t respect me anymore! If he’ll become a delinquent it’ll be your fault! “

“Hey, it’s not …”

“SHUT UP!”

Vegeta was terrified. Where all the women in Earth completely insane?

“Need something, Vegeta?” asked a voice. He turned around to see Piccolo standing by his side.

“None of your business,” he snapped, irked for having not felt the Namekian coming “But don’t worry. I’m not going to make a boo-boo in your precious little pupil.”

Piccolo frowned but said nothing.

“But Chi-chi… “Goku’s voice whipped their heads back to the familiar scene “I felt Vegeta’s ki around here! I have to check on what he’s doin …”

”I don’t care about whatever you’ve felt, if it was Vegeta, Cabbage or Beet!” Chi-chi cut him off. Piccolo snickered. Vegeta clenched his teeth.

“I’m sick of spending my days all alone while you two are out training. You’re staying home today and it’s final!” she grabbed Goku’s arm and started to drag him towards the house “I’m going to clean the house and you can help me by dusting the carpets and moving the furniture, since you’re so strong now. Then, you’ll wear something decent, for a change, so we’ll go to the East City.”

”To the East City?” Goku echoed “What for?”

“To negotiate Gohan’s matriculation in the Blue Star School.”

”B-blue Star?” Gohan stuttered in horror “Mom, that’s a secondary school! I heard it doesn’t accept kids under 12. I ain’t got even seven yet!”

Chi-chi stared at her son as if he had said the sky was blue:

“Of course it’s a secondary school! Did you think I’d put you in a kindergarten? It’s true you’re very late in your studies, thanks to your father and the crooks he has for friends” she shot a look towards her husband “but still you’re very ahead from the other children! Can you imagine if you‘ll get your diploma before you’re fifteen? “she dreamily joined her hands together, her eyes dripping with motherly pride “My son, a little prodigy!”

At the vision of Gohan stumbling on a long black robe of a graduate, with a large squared hat covering his eyes and a gigantic diploma in his little hand, Goku and Gohan fell over with their legs up. Outraged by their lack of enthusiasm, Chi-chi sullenly dragged her ‘ungrateful’ family inside. Their voices were reduced to a baffled murmur.

Meanwhile, Vegeta and Piccolo remained at their spots like statues, both with arms crossed and stoic looks. Only the sweat pouring on their foreheads revealed their mutual discomfort.

“So, that is Kakarott’s wife.” Vegeta stated, after a long silence.

“Yes.” Piccolo shut his eyes in disapproval “Pathetic, isn’t it? Be proud of yourself : you’ve just met the only weakness of the Super Saiyan.”

“Why does Kakarott lets that woman treat him like this? She’s just a… human!”

“That is exactly why.”

“Huh?” Vegeta arched a confused eyebrow.

“Human’s weakness can be a weird, but a powerful weapon, believe me. Don’t underestimate them.” A few more sweat drops slide down on Piccolos’ forehead, while he recorded the way Chichi had forced him to take driving classes along with Goku. As if the Great Demon-King needed a driver license.

“Speak clearer, Namek. I hate riddles."

"I already said more than you should know. If you want more details go in there and ask Goku, but I wouldn't do it if I were you." Piccolo showed his fangs in a smirk "Chichi would love an opportunity to get revenge for all those times you beated on Gohan."

"Do you dare to insinuate that I'd be beaten that nasty lousy human?" Vegeta's eyes bulged in outrage.

"Are you afraid to try…Cabbage?" Piccolo sustained his look.

They glared at each other for a long moment. Vegeta felt like rushing inside the house and showing that arrogant Namekian that he didn't fear anything, especially a loud little woman. But he wouldn’t. It had to be a trick.

"My goals are Gero’s tin dolls and Kakarott" he said arrogantly "I ‘m not interested in insects."

Piccolo smirked again.

"I'd become surprised if you’d succeed where Goku did not," he said "I don't know much about human females," he blushed a little" But I wouldn't bet on you."

"What makes you so sure about this?”

"Those ridiculous clothes you wore when Goku came back to Earth." his smirk enlarged a little, as if he found his own joke amusing.

Vegeta opened his mouth just to close it again. No… he couldn’t be insinuating…

He straightened up and tossed the Namekian a very cold look.

"Want an advice? Stop hanging around Kakarott. You're starting to babble the same kind of nonsense he does." he said, before taking off and flying away.

Piccolo stood watching the Saiyan prince getting smaller and smaller until he turned into a dark spot in the distance.

“Stupid, imprudent moron... Why did you say that? “he berated himself in his thought.

At that moment, Gohan, who had taken advantage of a moment of distraction from his mother to slip out of the house, showed up at his side.

"That was Vegeta?" he asked, looking at the direction where the prince had disappeared.

"Yes." Piccolo snorted.

"What did he want?" the little boy asked with concern.

"To chit-chat."

Gohan stared confusedly at his mentor and best friend, but Piccolo said nothing else.

"GOHA-AN! Where are you?" Chi -chi's high-pitched voice could be heard even at kilometers from the place where they stood “Goku! This is your fault! “

“But what did I do now?” they heard Goku moan.

“You’re always running off home for adventures, that’s what you have done! Now YOUR son’s starting to follow your steps! That’s the example you give him, blablabla, I never should have married you, blabla, this way he’ll never become responsible…”

They heard fast retreating steps mixed to metallic thuds and yelps, like if someone was running and getting pelted with pans inside the house.

“Ouh! Please, Chi-chi, that hurts…. Oouch!”

"Better you go back before your mother decides to execute her hostage." Piccolo said, half-sarcastically, half-seriously. Gohan nodded with a sigh and trudged back home. The Demon King stood floating in the air, hoping his imprudent words hadn't messed up with Trunk's future.

Vegeta could be anything but a fool.

Notes:

It always puzzled me the fact that there are so many BV three –years fics that show Yamcha living in his own apartment or house, when it seems clear that he was living at Capsule Corp at that period _ at least before he went away to train. In the mangá, there’s even a scene when Tenshinhan yells at Vegeta that he doesn’t understand how Yamcha stands to live under the same roof as the Saiyan. (True that there’s no Garlic Jr. Saga or Vegeta’s space journey in the mangá – and no pink shirt stuff, too, unluckily – but, oh well, you’ve got it)

I always wanted to know how could had been the first time Vegeta met Goku’s home, and especially how he met Chi –chi. He probably must have been terrified! J J

Hope I haven’t overdone a little with Chi-chi, but that’s the way I see her. A woman who pushes her baby boy to study like that so early seems perfectly able to want see him graduated before he’s grown, too. I’m not sure if there’s really a school (besides Hogworths) that admits only kids over 12, so Applescruffs suggested me that maybe a secondary school was the thing I was looking for. We hope it’ll fit.

Please don’t get me wrong about Chi-chi: deep down I know she’s a good person (if even Vegeta has a gentle side, why not she? ;) ), but it always angered me the way she picked on Gohan when he was little. That’s not a mother, that’s a policeman!