Chapter 14

 

 

 

DISCLAIMER: I don’t own DBZ…I don’t own a monkey either…or Red Dwarf

 

 

 

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“Nice Vegeta…good Vegeta…put the mushrooms down…” Bulma crooned as she crept closer to Vegeta, one hand held out in front of her to show him that she had no weapons.  The spaced out saiyan was huddled on the couch with the mushrooms clutched to his chest and a panicked look in his eyes. “You don’t want those mushrooms ‘Geta, they’re bad for you.” Bulma told him.

 

Vegeta’s eyes rolled in the same way a wild horses might before it goes psychotic and he clutched the mushrooms closer to his chest, shaking his head as Bulma inched closer. “No! My mushrooms! You’re not even Bulma are you? I bet you’re really a space alien aren’t you!” Vegeta’s voice rose and he began to tremble.

 

“No Vegeta, I’m not an alien…”

 

Vegeta’s eyes widened. “Ah ha! I know what you are! You’re that sneaky little incredibly good-looking elf aren’t you? What’s-his-name?” Vegeta waved a hand around vaguely in front of his face and then snapped his fingers. “Lucas! That’s who you are! Lucas!” Vegeta stood up, the precious mushrooms still clutched close. “Well your not getting my mushrooms!”

 

“Vegeta, I’m not Lucas, I’m Bulma…”

 

“Only Lucas would say that he’s Bulma!” Vegeta told her matter of factly.

 

“Okay, okay, okay I am Lucas!” Bulma decided to try reverse psychology on the prince.

 

Unfortunately it backfired.

 

“Ah ha! I knew it!” Vegeta triumphantly screeched.

 

“No wait! You just said…”

 

“Aaaaaah! Space Slug!” Vegeta squealed and leapt behind the couch and cowered into a ball. “Not even the mighty super saiyan can defeat the giant space slug!” He opened the jar and greedily ate another mushroom, shrieking as Bulma reached over the couch and grabbed the jar from him. “No! My mushrooms!” He desperately lunged at Bulma.

 

“The mushrooms are bad for you Vegeta, you shouldn’t eat them!” Bulma fled into the bedroom and flushed the mushrooms down the toilet, when she came out Vegeta was on the couch looking incredibly sad.

 

“All my life people have been stealing my mushrooms off me! Never have I had even a day of peace!” He woefully spoke to the couch cushion next to him.

 

“Vegeta…”

 

“No! Don’t interrupt me!” Vegeta looked at Bulma, his eyes misting up. “It all started when I was five years old and my father gave me this cute little puppy! The he took it off me and said I was getting weak! I never saw my puppy again.” Vegeta sobbed into the couch cushion. “And when I was a teenager all I wanted to do was hang out with the other teenagers and eat mushrooms but Frieza made me eat apricots! Apricots, Bulma! Apricots! Do you know what that does to a man?”

 

“I can imagine how horrible it must have been.” Bulma looked around for something she could knock Vegeta out with if he got out of hand. Maybe king Sanjo had stocked the ship with chloroform?

 

“Oh, you have no idea!” Vegeta sobbed some more, murmuring about mushrooms and apricots and puppies. “And…and I’m short too!” He cried morosely.

 

“Short? What the…? I thought we were talking about mushrooms?”

 

“I said don’t interrupt me!” Vegeta shrieked tearfully.  “When I was little I was really, really small! So I started brushing my hair up to look big! And for some reason I just stopped growing one day and I was stuck at this height! And…and I tried to hide it so I brushed my hair up like this until it just started growing like that! I even contemplated wearing high heels to look bigger!”

 

“Vegeta, shhhh! It’s okay! Your not short you just, uh, height challenged or vertically challenged if you prefer.” Bulma crept a few inches closer to Vegeta, trying not to startle him.

 

“No, I’m short and I know it! I’m tiny! I’m small and worse of all I’m…I’m petite!” Vegeta wailed the last word.  “Do you know how hard it was for a teenage me to have to go shopping for clothes in the children’s section?” Vegeta sobbed into the couch a little more. “Even now it’s the same when I go shopping, I always wind up in either the children’s department or the dwarf department…I’m short and I hate it!”

 

Whoa! Those mushrooms really screwed him up!

 

“Okay Vegeta. We’re going to go for a little walk to the bedroom and your going to lie down and go to sleep.” Bulma took his hand gently.

 

“No! I can’t sleep! If I sleep the rats will get me! Did you see them out here before on their unicycles! They were trying to crawl in my ears! They want to take me over!” Vegeta looked suspiciously around the room. “And then there’s Regan and…and Lucas! He’s real Bulma and he wants to kill me and make you his queen of Lollipop Land!”

 

Lollipop Land, right, well I’ll keep watch Vegeta while you sleep this off okay?” Bulma tried to keep a straight face. Vegeta was obviously too far gone to understand a single word she was saying.

 

“Do you promise you’ll keep Lucas away from me? He might try and steal my body too…”

 

Bulma quickly interrupted him before he could start off on another spiel. “I promise, Vegeta.” She helped him stand and walked with him into the bedroom. “Now I want you to lie down and go to sleep.”

 

“Okay…night, night.”

 

“Night, Night, ‘Geta.”

 

“Don’t call me…’Gettaaaaaa….” Vegeta felt face first onto the bed and started snoring.

 

“Puh! Lollipop land! Ha!” Bulma strolled to the bedroom door, rolling her eyes.

 

“I wouldn’t laugh if I were you.” A voice told her.

 

“V…Vegeta was that you?” Bulma slowly turned back to the bed but the saiyan only snored in response. “Who’s there?” Her eyes flicked around the room.

 

“It is I; Lucas the incredibly good looking elf.”

 

“Oh Kami! Now I’m hallucinating too!” Bulma quickly exited out of the bedroom and closed the door, in the living room an incredibly good-looking man sized elf sat on the couch and waved at her.

 

“Hello Bulma.” He winked at her charmingly.

 

“I know what you are!” Bulma told the elf. “You’re a mushroom aren’t you?” She glared at the delusion. Apparently Vegeta’s condition was contagious!

 

“Look Bulma, let me assure you that your not hallucinating. I’m real, very real…as real or you and Vegeta.”

 

“No…I won’t listen to you, you’re nothing but a figment of my imagination!”

 

“Bulma Briefs! Listen to me!” Lucas the incredibly good-looking elf stood up and crossed his perfect arms. “Look Bulma, Vegeta wasn’t lying. I do want him dead and I do want you as my queen of Lollipop Land.”

 

“Yes well, excuse me for not leaping with joy but why do want Vegeta dead?” Bulma stayed a large distance away from Lucas the incredibly good-looking elf.

 

He looked sneaky.

 

“I want him dead because he’s your mate, and if he’s still alive then I can’t get you.” Lucas smiled wryly. “Unfortunately I can’t kill Vegeta. For some reason because he created me with his delusions I cant seem to harm him, but I have other ways of getting him killed.”

 

“Such as?” Bulma prompted sharply, her eyes flashing with distress at the thought of Vegeta’s death.

 

“Such as getting you to kill him for me Bulma.” Lucas flashed a brilliant smile.

 

“Ha! I’d never kill Vegeta! I couldn’t even if I tried!” Bulma moved even further back as Lucas the incredibly good-looking elf took a few steps closer to her.

 

“Oh Bulma, surely you noticed that Vegeta is very ill at the moment; he’s very weak. You could easily kill him with that knife in the kitchen.” Lucas the incredibly good looking elf gestured towards the kitchen.

 

“Well I won’t! I don’t care what you do to me! I won’t kill him!” Bulma didn’t take her eyes off the elf as he moved even closer.

 

“You won’t have a choice my dear Bulma; you see I’m going to make Vegeta attack you. It’ll be either you or him who comes out alive and I plan on making sure it’s you!”

 

Bulma shook her head and bolted for the kitchen, locking the door behind her as she heard Lucas the incredibly good-looking elf give an incredibly attractive but evil laugh.

 

“I won’t kill him, he’s too good in bed!” She yelled at the elf, knowing that he’d hear her somehow.

 



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