Chapter 2
A/N
– As some people have noted, Monty Python has had a large impact on my humour.
British humour, can it get any funnier?
~*~
“Okay, let’s be calm and logical about this.” Bulma took a deep
breath. “You’re going into saiyan mating season?”
“Yes.” Vegeta shifted his weight in his chair uncomfortably and
averted his eyes.
“And that means…?” She trailed off and waited for an answer.
“That means woman that I am going into…well…heat.” Bulma gave
him a blank look and Vegeta sighed. “It means I need to mate, woman! To have
sex!” Vegeta stared at the far wall, then at the floor; anywhere but at the
woman.
“Oooooh!” Bulma exclaimed. “You mean like a cat?” Her eyes
widened. “That isn’t good is it?”
Vegeta restrained from answering that with physical violence.
“You’re doing this purposely aren’t you? You knew what I meant!” He growled at
her quietly.
Bulma widened her eyes and tried to look innocent. “Me?
Never…well, okay I was, but I’ll stop. So you need to have sex with someone?
How long does it last for?” She lent closer to him. “A week? Two weeks?”
“Until I get laid.” Vegeta edged away, uncomfortably aware of
the effect the woman’s proximity might have on him. “And since you’re the only
woman here, it means that sooner or later…”
Bulma leapt up from where she had been sitting and bolted to the
other side of the room. “I am NOT going to sleep with you, Vegeta!”
“Woman…”
“No!”
“Woman…”
“I said no!”
“But I wasn’t…”
“Don’t you look at me like that!”
“Like what?” Vegeta looked confused, he wasn’t aware that he had
been looking at her in a certain way.
“You gave me this sleazy and…and…and come hither look!” Bulma
backed towards the door.
“No I didn’t!”
“You did it again! You did it again!” Bulma hysterically opened
the door to the main chamber and bolted in. “You stay away from me until you
learn how to not look suggestive!”
Vegeta stood up and followed her, an irritated look etched on
his face. “All I was going to say was that sooner or later something will
happen between us.”
“Oh no it won’t!” Bulma glared at him and kept a console between
them.
“Look, I’m a man…”
“You’re a saiyan!” She corrected. “You’re a fricken alien!”
A bad boy look slipped over Vegeta’s features. “That never
stopped Kakarot and Chichi did it?” Vegeta covered his mouth with his hand
again and looked embarrassed.
“See! See! You’re just trying to get into my pants!” Bulma
bolted past Vegeta back into the bedroom and locked the door behind her. “You
can stay out there and amuse yourself because you are not getting in here buddy
boy!”
Vegeta lent against her door and crossed his arms. “Look, I’m a
man and you’re a woman. We’re alone in space with nobody else
around…tension is going to build up sooner or later.” Vegeta uncrossed his arms
and put his ear to the door to try to discern where the woman was in the room.
“You can deny it all you want woman, but you have to come out of the room and
even if you resist my princely charms at first you’ll soon come around.” Vegeta shrugged when the woman didn’t
answer, it didn’t matter what she said; sooner or later she would come
around.
Not that he relished the thought of sleeping with the woman; it
wasn’t like he actually liked her or anything…it was just this damned heat he
was going into. It was his hormones that wanted the woman, not him…just because
he’d had one or two dreams about her before didn’t mean anything.
Did it?
~*~
Bulma tensely unlocked the door and crept out, Vegeta was
sprawled on the one chair in the room – asleep.
She said a quick thank you to whichever god was listening and
quietly tiptoed past him to the cupboard where all the entertainment videos
were kept; she opened it up wincing as it squeaked. Vegeta muttered something
about pink rats riding unicycles and having to email the president but didn’t
wake up. Bulma let out her breath and turned to peruse the contents of the
cupboard…and screamed.
~*~
Vegeta and Bulma stared at the one video the cupboard had
contained, occasionally blinking as if willing the video to transform into
something, anything else but what it was.
“What I don’t understand is how it got in there.” Vegeta nudged
it with his hand.
Bulma picked it up and turned it over in her hands, her keen
eyes taking in the horrid sight of the purple and green dinosaur and the lurid
heading on the cover; ‘Barney and Friends!’
“What I want to know is where all the other videos went.” She sighed and took the video out of the case. “I mean…I guess this might have accidentally got in here when Chichi came to visit and we let Gohan watch a video in here while we had coffee…but that doesn’t explain where all my other video’s got to.”
Vegeta suddenly looked up. “Why do you even keep videos in
here?”
“Look ‘Geta…”
“Don’t call me ‘Geta!” The saiyan snapped irritably.
Bulma continued as though he hadn’t spoken. “I spend all my time
in here fixing this damned machine, I just started bringing videos with so I
could at least listen to them while I worked, sometimes I’d take a break and
watch one.” Bulma shrugged and put the video into the VRC. “Here we go…”
“I love yoooooouuuu…you love meeeee…we’re a happy
familllllyyyyy…”
~*~
Vegeta grated his teeth as he heard the hated song start up
again from the bedroom.
“I love yoooooouuuu…you love meeeee…we’re a happy
familllllyyyyy…”
The damned woman had been watching the tape almost non-stop, it
was starting to get out of control, she was fixated on the tape, she just
locked herself away in the room and pressed play.
Over and over again.
He couldn’t take it anymore.
The dopey voice of the dinosaur, the overly happy songs, or even
worse, when the woman got the part of the tape where the ‘Barney’ would ‘teach’
the children how to count the same numbers over and over again…
How he loathed the dinosaur.
How he longed to see the purple and green creature burn.
It would have been bearable if the creature didn’t sing, but it did.
It sang constantly and loudly and repetitiously so that the song remained in
your head for hours afterwards.
Suddenly the tape cut off, the door opened and the woman came
out of the room, a fixed smile painted on her face. “Hello Vegeta, how are you
feeling?”
“Like I want to have sex.” he stood up and walked towards her,
wishing the blue haired woman would just let him have his way with her so
things could get back to normal and he’d go off heat.
“That’s nice.” She blinked. “You know, Barney had a problem like
yours.”
“He did?” Vegeta didn’t remember Barney going onto heat when he
watched the video with the woman the first time.
“Yes, Barney wanted a candy apple for his birthday, but he
couldn’t get one…”
“How is that like my problem?” Vegeta clenched his fists, great,
he though, the woman’s been brainwashed by a children’s show.
“Well you see Vegeta, sometimes we all want things.” She patted
his shoulder. “You want sex, Barney wants a candy apple and I want to space
myself while I’m still able. But the thing to realise is this, we can’t all get
what we want; Barney couldn’t get his candy apple because it was bad for him
and I can’t kill myself because it’s dangerous for my health.”
“What about me?”
“What about you?” Bulma blinked again as if seeing him for the
first time.
“Why can’t I have sex with you? It’s not like it would hurt
anyone.” Vegeta moved closer, wishing he still had a tail to run up the woman’s
leg.
Tails were sexy, everyone knew that.
“Oh, but it would be bad for you’re health!” Bulma whispered to
him confidently. “You might not know it, but you’d get very hurt.” Bulma nodded
to herself. “You’d be in constant pain.”
“What? Why?” He looked confused again.
Bulma very slowly and nastily smiled. “Because if you slept with
me I’d make your life a living hell afterwards.”
“Puh!” Vegeta rolled his eyes. “You don’t have the power!”
“Really? I think I do.” Bulma laughed and started to walk away,
softly singing; “I love yoooooouuuu…you love meeeee…we’re a happy
familllllyyyyy…”
Vegeta’s eyes widened. “You wouldn’t!”
Bulma cackled. “Oh Vegeta, if you even lay a hand on me then
I’ll put that videotape on and I’ll turn the volume up so loud that you won’t
have a hope in hell of escaping Barney and all his friends.”
“You sadistic, evil…”
“I wouldn’t finish that sentence if I were you; you don’t want
to upset me now do you?” Bulma grinned when Vegeta remained silent. “That’s a
good saiyan, now we have to get some rules clear. Firstly I’m getting the bed
each night, if I wake up and you’re in there with me; Barney goes on. Secondly,
if you even attempt to seduce me then guess what? Barney goes on! And lastly if
you even try to put the gravity machine on again while I’m in the room…that’s
right! You guessed it! Barney goes on! Now any questions?”
“What about if I put the gravity machine on so high that it
squashes you flat – how are you going to put Barney on then smart ass?” Vegeta
arrogantly raised his head…and instant wished he hadn’t.
“But Vegeta! You wouldn’t hurt me would you? After all if you
killed me who are you going sleep with?” Bulma’s grin widened then faltered as
she realised what she’d said.
“Does that mean you’ll sleep with me?” Vegeta took a step closer
and ran a hand up Bulma’s arm, she shivered and stared into his eyes and for a
second Vegeta saw the same longing in her eyes that her saw in his every time
he looked in the mirror, then her gates went crashing down and she pulled away.
“You tried to seduce me!” She rubbed at his arm where he’d
softly touched her as if it was tingling. “I warned you what would happen!”
“Woman, no!” Vegeta pleaded desperately as she turned around.
“I’ll be good! I promise!”
“Ha!” Bulma scoffed, “I think that trying to seduce me warrants
2 hours of quality Barney and Friends time!” She walked back into the bedroom
and slammed the door.
“I love yoooooouuuu…you love meeeee…we’re a happy
familllllyyyyy…”
Vegeta collapsed back into the chair and felt his eyes water…he
wouldn’t cry; he wouldn’t cry…he could take Barney! He just had to get
through the next two hours…then he could make sure that he did nothing to upset
the woman.
“Don’t worry Vegeta, Bulma hates Barney just as much as you do,
she’s only doing this to torture you.”
“I know I…hey! Who the hell are you?” Vegeta sat up and stared
at the strange man who was standing in front of him.
“I’m Lucas the incredibly good looking elf.”
“But…where…what…when…how did you get here?” Vegeta edged away
from the gorgeous elf man.
“Oh Vegeta, I’m a delusion your mind has created in an
attempted to keep you sane!” Lucas the incredibly good-looking elf laughed.
“Sane?!” Vegeta spluttered. “Go away! I am sane!”
“Whatever you say Vegeta, but just so you know! I’ll be
back!” Lucas
the incredibly good-looking elf flashed a brilliant and perfect smile and
disappeared.
Vegeta stared at the floor as the harmonious strains of Barney
filtered past him. “I am sane.”
~*~