Chapter 3

DISCLAIMER: I don’t own DBZ…I don’t own a monkey either…

A/N – Yay! Most people seemed to like my Barney idea; I should mention at this point that Luca, my demonic muse and good friend, helped create the character of Lucas the incredibly good looking elf!

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Bulma put her ear to the door and listened…was Vegeta talking to himself again? Ever since she’d made the Barney threat yesterday she kept hearing him muttering to himself. It was very unnerving. It was bad enough having Vegeta on heat, she sure as hell didn’t want a raving psychotic saiyan on heat.

“…And she keeps torturing me with that horrible video!”

Bulma chuckled as Vegeta’s voice took on an anguished note, she quickly stopped laughing though, it couldn’t be healthy for Vegeta to be talking to himself. She stood up and unlocked the door and peeked through, Vegeta was sitting on his chair as usual, he was staring at the space in front of him as though somebody was standing there. Bulma raised her eyebrows and shrugged as she pushed the door open the rest of the way and walked into the main room.

“’Geta…”

“Don’t call me ‘Geta!” Vegeta snapped argumentatively.

“Who are you talking to?” Bulma glanced about the room nervously.

“I was talking to…nobody. You must be hearing things, bah, paranoid woman.” Vegeta stood up and stretched.

“Are you sure?” Bulma glanced about. “I mean if something’s wrong you can tell me.”

“Wrong? Wrong? What could possibly be wrong?” Vegeta glared at her. “I’m stuck on a ship, in heat, in space, with no control over the ships movements, with a woman who hates me, gee what could possibly be wrong?”

“’Geta…”

“Don’t call me ‘Geta!”

“I’m getting worried about you.” Bulma came closer to him. “Please, who were you talking to?”

Vegeta sighed. “I was talking to Lucas the incredibly good looking elf.”

Bulma stared at him. Blinked. Then resumed staring. “Right, I think I’m hearing things could you repeat that?”

“I said, I was talking to Lucas the incredibly good looking elf, he says he’s a delusion my mind created to keep me sane but I think he’s really here to steal you from me.” Vegeta crept closer to Bulma. “He’s probably here right now, listening to us talk…he’s a sneaky one that Lucas, very crafty.”

“Oh…I bet.” Bulma murmured weakly. She wondered if she could make it back to the bedroom before Vegeta could grab her, obviously he’d finally blown a wire.

Vegeta moved even closer to her. “Are you scared? I can hold you to my manly chest if you are?”

”Vegeta! Did you just try to seduce me?” Bulma stepped away from him.

Vegeta looked right and then left then lent in close. “I didn’t say that…Lucas the incredibly good looking elf said that – don’t you see him? He’s standing right next to you?”

“Oh…yes…I can see him.” Bulma very gently took hold of Vegeta’s arm. “Vegeta, now Barney once had a similar problem to you…”

“I don’t want to hear about Barney!” Vegeta yelled.

“Vegeta!” Bulma felt her temper rising.

“It wasn’t me…it was Lucas! Lucas I tell you!” Vegeta looked wildly around. “AAAAAH! He’s trying to get into my ears!” Vegeta clutched his head and dropped to the floor.

“Vegeta! Barney got lonely once and created an imaginary friend…that’s what you’re doing.” Bulma continued to speak, ignoring Vegeta as he rolled around on the floor beating at his head screaming for Lucas to get out. “But in the end Barney discovered that as long as he had friends…oh wait, you don’t have friends do you Vegeta?”

Vegeta continued to scream.

“I said you don’t have any friends do you Vegeta?” Bulma frowned.

Vegeta continued to scream.

“Then again you do have me...Oh! I can’t take this noise!” Bulma got down on her hands and knee’s and grabbed Vegeta’s head. “LUCAS! GET THE FUCK OUT OF VEGETA’S HEAD RIGHT THIS MINUTE! OR SO HELP ME GOD, I’M GOING TO COME IN THERE AND…”

Vegeta snapped out of it and stared up at her, shocked. “Hey…you did it…Lucas is gone!”

“How un-expected.” Bulma dryly muttered as she got back up.

“Bulma?” Vegeta sat up and pulled her back down into his lap. “I’m really sorry to have to do this…and I know it’s going to earn me a lot of Barney and friends time, but I have to kiss you.” And with that Vegeta tipped Bulma’s face back, gazed down into her azure eyes and very gently lowered his lips to Bulma’s and bestowed upon her a soft and almost loving kiss.

Bulma stared back into Vegeta’s eyes, dumbstruck at the emotional depth of the kiss he was bestowing upon her, it was nothing like she had expected. She’d expected fire and passion but this was soft and gentle.

“Mmm!” Bulma mumbled against Vegeta’s lips and managed to drag herself away from his kiss. “I can’t do this…”

“It’s just a kiss…” Vegeta lent down again but Bulma detangled herself from his grasp and moved away.

“No! It’s not just a kiss, kissing is fine and nice but when you kiss like that it always leads to bigger things and I am not going to sleep with the man who threatened to kill me on Namek!”

Vegeta jumped to his feet, “I wouldn’t have actually hurt you…much. I was planning doing some hurting but mainly it was another type of physical action I had in mind.” Vegeta raised an eyebrow suggestively.

“Puh! Liar! I know a liar when I see one!” Bulma shied away when Vegeta took a step towards her. “No! You stay back! I don’t know where you learnt to kiss like that but it’s not fair to me! I can resist nasty bastards who kiss like they want to drink you up, but I can’t resist dark and handsome men who kiss like they love you! It’s just not fair on women! Especially when you don’t love me, Vegeta, and never will.” Bulma gave him a warning glance when he started to speak. “I already said not to bother defending yourself, you surprised me with that kiss and even though I’m freely admitting it was wonderful and nice I am still not going to jump into bed with you!”

“But Bulma!”

“Don’t you ‘but Bulma’ me! I know you’re in heat and I know it’s getting worse but you’ll just have to learn to control yourself!” Bulma turned and flounced back to the bedroom and shut the door. Vegeta heard her moving around inside and guessed what she was doing. “Five hours of Barney Vegeta! Five hours of childish tunes and ridiculous moral tales for trying to seduce me!” The door muffled her voice but Vegeta could still here the shaken tone in it.

He groaned to himself and sunk down on the floor as the now all too familiar tune of Barney started up.

“She’s so cruel to you Vegeta, you know what you should do is go in there now and smash the television to bits.” Lucas the incredibly good-looking elf appeared and flashed his usual perfect smile.

“Go away Lucas the incredibly good looking elf, do you think I’d be so dumb as to trust you after you tried to crawl in my ears and eat my brains!” Vegeta scoffed and walked away from him. “Besides I know you’re just after my Bulma!”

Lucas the incredibly good looking elf laughed. “Oh that…I wasn’t trying to hurt you, that was just a warning to you not to try to tell Bulma about me again. Humans have this silly notion that if you see an incredibly good looking elf while your alone with a woman on a space ship over which you have no control and are in a saiyan heat, that seeing an incredibly good looking elf is bad for you, but we know that isn’t true, right Vegeta old buddy old pal? Just go on into her room and smash the television.”

Vegeta took a few steps towards Bulma’s door. “Okay, I’ll get rid of the television but…well…are you sure this is a good idea?”

“Of course it is!” Lucas the incredibly good looking elf laughed eerily as he faded away. “Have I ever steered you wrong before?”

“Right.” Vegeta grinned crazily. “It’s TV smashing time!” The deranged prince pranced up to the door and put his ear against it, trying to hear where the woman was through the melodious strains of ‘I love you, you love me…” “Woman?” He crooned into the door. “Let me in, I want to apologise for my…behaviour earlier.” He lent even closer to the door and narrowed his eyes and he tried to discern wether or not Bulma had heard him.

Vegeta shrugged and decided to try again, “Woman?” He took a deep breath. “LET ME IN OR I’LL BLAST THIS DOOR DOWN RIGHT THIS MINUTE!!” He raised his voice to several decibels above what’s considered polite and waited for Bulma to open the door and respond.

Barney and Co. shut off and an eerie silence emanated from the bedroom, there was silence for a moment, then small unidentifiable sounds came form the bedroom for several minutes, then there was silence once more. Vegeta, suddenly uneasy, stepped away from the door as he heard Bulma’s soft footfalls coming towards him.

He heard the bedroom door unlock, saw the handle on the door twist ever so slowly, then the bedroom door swung open with a kind of finality that Vegeta found unnerving and almost frightening.

No one stood in the doorway; it stared at him like the big empty black hole it was, daring him to approach at his peril.

Vegeta took one step, two steps, three steps towards it, his eyes flicking from left to right as he sensed a trap. He reached the doorway and paused his sleekly muscled body on edge as he waited for Bulma to spring her trap…

Nothing happened.

Vegeta shrugged. “Guess I was over re-acting.” And took a step forward…

He heard Bulma’s cackling laugh a moment to late to halt himself and his foot was suddenly entangled in a pile of unwound dental floss. Vegeta let out an almost girlish shriek as he toppled over, landing badly on his face. He closed his eyes and wondered why he felt the sensation of moving.

Once again Vegeta opened his eyes too late to avoid disaster.

His coal black eyes widened in fear as he realised Bulma had coated the floor in shampoo and because of the force of his fall he was now sliding towards the shower at a speed man and saiyans alike had only dreamt of.

“Oh fuck…” Vegeta muttered as he rammed into the shower, his head slamming into the tiles with enough impact to shake the entire ship.

The woman’s foot appeared next to his face as she stood above him, he heard her fiddling around above his head then with a laugh she turned the cold water on and bounced happily out of the shower.

“I warned you not to mess with me, Mr. Prince of all saiyans!” The woman laughed, pleased with herself as she shut the shower door. “You stay in there till you cool off!”

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