Hi boys and girls, Uncle Eb is back. Sorry about missin' out for the last several months. But honestly, it's all Freek's fault for "goin' to college" (yeah right STEVE!). If you want to say that that's not a good enough excuse for me, then how's about the fact that he hasn't been on enough to update until recently? Huh huh huh? Jiga wha? Besides, it's not like I get paid *hint hint wink wink chuckle chuckle nudge nudge* So kids, I'm EB, I own you, and your mother; let's move this thing on along.
Here's your tone for the entire column:
EarlytimeVa: you'll fix spelling errors
RadoGoji: i will
EarlytimeVa: wasn't a question
RadoGoji: i know. i was acknowedging your statement
(Freek's Note: This was actually part of an AIM conversation EB and I had while he was emailing this to me.)
First on the agenda is a letter to someone we all know and hold dear (*crowd wispers as to who eb could be talking about*). THAT'S RIGHT! Mr Nazi Aol Bastard. This prick who kicks you off line at the MOST inopritune times.
Dear Mr Nazi Aol Bastard,
Hi, names Jeff, but you already knew that didn't you? Look here, jack ass, you've booted me offline so many times, it's damn near driven me crazy (so you can imagine what THAT was like). Over the edge, jump the fence, right in to the coo coo's nest. I don't know why you singled me out, but you did. Not a very smart move, my man. Up until now I had just assumed you didn't know whom you were dealing with. Even though I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know exactly who you're dealin' with. See, I happen to be a very important young man. My cult following sometimes scares even me (and I'm a fearless man). You see when you boot me you deprive the masses (THINK OF THE CHILDREN, YOU SELFISH PRICK!), and we can't have that. Like I said, I have many blindly loyal followers, and I'm afraid that if this nature were to presist out of you, well, they'd hunt you down and...well I'll just give you a small sampling:
First they'll strip you down to nothing and pluck every hair off your body, one by one...Next they'll roast your nuts on the top of a wood burning stove. Possibly some Chinese water torture, I dunno, I'm just tellin' ya, you don't want none.
Next up, we have some a poem written by yours truly. This will be one of the rare times you guys get to see inside of me, and to who I really am, but greatful (*crowd gets on their knees, and bows, thanking the great EB*)
I'm in hurt
Take a right off happy street
Hang a left down sad
I'm in hurt
It's where you said "Let's be friends"
I'm in hurt
It's where you learn all good things have ends
I'm in hurt
It's where mom and dad abandoned ship
I'm in hurt
It's where you decided you couldn't take any more of my s---
I'm in hurt
***
(Freek's Note: Bet you can't guess what that word was...)
(*audience applauds*)
In other news, ol' Uncle EB is in for a good time, kids. March 16th, I go to NYC. (Freek's Note: 20 bucks says EB will get mugged by a hobo.) Thats right, just like my boy Freek, I'm getting a MUCH needed (and well deserved I might add) time away from Mechan(h)ic(k)sville...can't wait. The catch is we're going to be working the whole week. At the present time, I feel it appropriate, to condemn one Chucky S to an eternity in hell. (*Crowd wails*) (Freek's Note: Can't have "Chucky S" yelling at us about what EB's doing to him, if he reads, so I changed it.)
WARNING: OBLIGITORY CHEAP PLUG!
Also, WTF Wrestling Entertainment starts up right when we get back. In fact my buddy Chris and I will probably shoot a few team EB vignets whilst in the Big Orange...er...Apple. So email me at earlytimeVa@aol.com with your addy, and put "WTF WE" in the subject so I know not to delete it. Shows will be $5 (that's including shipping and handling). (*audience begins throwing money at EB for an advanced copy*)
(Freek's Note: I hate commercialism...)
Finally, we're coming up on the 10th year anniversery of the death of a true artist, Mr. Kurt Cobain. As a huge Nirvana fan, I would just like to say a little something. Cobain was a tremendous writer (greater than yes even I will ever be), and undoubtedly the best of the "grunge/punk movement". When with just one music video (teen spirit), you can encompass an entire generations thoughts, and feelings. That, my friends, is truely something.
Some will tell you that his best work was before or after, the smash hit nevermind, to them I say "SHUT UP, IT WAS ALL GOOD, GO BUY INCESTICIDE."
There is some controversy over how he died. The leading theory is that he was so depressed he just killed himself one night. Others say it was a homicide. The truth? I don't know, I don't care, I just know that one of the best writers of the modern era is gone.
Peace, Love, and Empathy
EB