"Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty." Well I don't know about the grass being greens (as I didn't find very much), and women is trouble, but regardless of that, New York is indeed paradise city. So kids onward we go with EB's review of the greatest, most exciting city this side of Ephraim (right Alis?).
First things first, the pizza (*drools*). Okay, look, any place I can find a slice of pizza bigger than my head gets an automatic thumbs up. You guys know Pizza Hut's "Big New Yorker" right? Yeah, well this is like 3 of those....jebus and only $2. (Freek's Note: Damn straight! OK, I've never had one...)
We stayed at the lovely Holiday Inn midtown. (Freek's Note: Lovely, eh? I guess no one's been to the Sheraton Waikiki.) Chucky S, for some awkward reason, wanted to have the room next to mine (a true fan I suppose, though he can't admit to it). He tried to cover with some lame story about 3 guys in a room together (one being me), with girls all up and down the hall, couldn't be trusted. Coach, you're in denial, my man. All you need do is give me an A, make me managing copy editor of the yearbook (so then I get to edit as many stories however I want), and give me $50, and I'll sign all the 8 x 10's ya want.
The first night we went out to "Little Italy"...thumbs down (an Italian place without pizza? Dude man...wtf?)
Everyday we went to Columbia U. This was supposed to be a workshop, which Chucky S didn't tell us until a few weeks after we paid (I hate you, Coach). Now these classes were pretty gosh darned queer, so I didn't go to but one or two (out of five) a day. The rest of my time was spent hangin' in the book store, or roaming the general area of the campus (Starbucks rules....chocolate brownie frappochino...)(Freek's Note: Damn yuppie. Just kidding.) Twas great.
The Subway rocks. Nobody there cares...nobody. Homeless people sitting there "I'm cold and hungery, please help me." Not my problem lady. Oh and to address Freek, I was never mugged, or pick pocketed, go ahead and send me the money, bitch. (Freek's Note: Check's in the mail.) Seriously New Yorkers aren't dumb, they know better than to come after me. EB and his followers are more powerful than the Catholics (pst, JP2, God is on my side).
Time Square...oh my God, if you've not been...get off your ass, you're gonna wanna go. The Toys "R" Us is 3 stories. Plus it has a Ferris wheel...not only that, but they have 2, COUNT 'EM, 2 wrestling sections, what's not to like?
We also saw Ground Zero, however there is absolutely nothing funny to say about that, and keeping in the spirit of the column/rant, I'll just say being there brought back everything. And it pisses me off, because those buildings should be there...but they aren't. Some guy tried to sell me pictures of the attack, how he can even consider making a profit out of that is beyond me. (Freek's Note: I'll tell you one thing, EB knows when to show respect. That's a true patriot right there, folks. Good job, EB.)
Well, kids, I hate to end it on a downer. It's been real, but I think I'm just about done, as we're on the bus home, and my pen shaking is making this barely legible, that and the strip poker game in the back. Screw you guys, I'm going home.
E f'n B