My friend wrote this and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Tell me what you think.
PS he is crazy
this is something I wrote reeeeeeeally late last night, it's good for a
chuckle.
some people were discussing the merits of Sporks, and this was my retort.
let me know what you think
Edward Wong-Hau Trivusky the Fourth
from late last night:
----------------------
NOOOOOOO!!!!
you guys have it all wrong!
The Spork is the most dastardly and insidious utensil of them all. It's
eeeeeevil nature should be obvious since it is neither a true Fork, nor a
Spoon.
I know the truth about this demonic utensil, and I'll enlighten you all!
The Spork was created by a mad scientist named Baron Dr. Ferdinand Von
Sporkinstein. He first started experiments to create the 'ultimate' utensil
in the mid 1930's, and they went mostly unnoticed, until the Nazi party came
to power. During the early years of the second world war he was commissioned
by the German command to create a better utensil for their military troops.
His early utensils such as the Chop-Stoon, and the Knivork left much to be
desired by the German High Command.
The mad doctor searched through many ancient and occult documents before
stubling across a prophecy about a utensil that was better than any other, the
mythical Foon. The Foon was allegedly a gift from God, and it was rumored to
have been used by Jesus at the last supper for both his soup and salad. It's
power was said to be unmatchable by any other utensil. It was said to have
been lost shortly after the meal however, it was accidentally dropped in the
trash by a careless waitress, who was complaining that she had just been
'stiffed' by the rather large party, and it seemed that one of them had taken
a cup.
Unfortunately the war against Germany was coming to and end, and it seemd a
case of too little to late. Baron Dr. Von Sporkinstein's research in Germany
came to an end with the defeat of the Nazi party. He was quickly secreted
away by the United States Department of Agriculture, Utensil Division. The US
Government's own experiments to create an 'ultimate' utensil had come to a
standstill.
Baron Dr. Von Sporkinstein was granted asylum and given orders to continue his
nefarious utensil experiments under a veil of secrecy. He was brought to the
Government's Utensil Depository in southern Kentucky, under the command of a
Conl. Sanders, who also happened to run a small fried chicken restaraunt.
By the end of the 1960's the casualties were mounting, and the lack of results
were infuriating to the Government agents in charge. Finally there was a
breakthrough, a combination Spoon and Fork. It had the ability to be used as
both, but was truly niether. In honor of it's creator Baron Dr. Ferdinand Von
Sporkinstein, it was dubbed the Spork.
It was discovered by British spies in the Soviet Union that the Russians were
quickly on their way to developing a spork of their own. This news is what
started what is now known as the 'Spork War'. The Americans and Soviets were
rushing headlong into unknown waters with their spork research.
The mid seventies saw a switch in direction away from Spork stockpiling, and
toward an arms race instead. The Spork research was cut off. Devastated by
the loss of funding, Baron Dr. Von Sporkinstein left the Utensil Divison.
Conl. Sanders retired a short time later to his restaraunt.
Baron Dr. Von Sporkinstein continued his research alone, until he was killed
in a mysterious Cole-Slaw accident. Soon after the Spork was patented and
began to show up in restaraunts across the country. It was thought that Conl.
Sanders was behind both of these events, but no evidence has ever been found
against him.
In recent years some of the government's highly classified files from what is
now known as 'Operation Spork' have come to light. It is not clear at the
moment what the Government and Conl. Sanders had hoped to gain by creating
this 'ultimate' utensil.
One of the theories is that the government hopes to 'phase-out' the fork and
spoon worldwide so that it will have a corner on the international utensil
market. The current plastic Sporks are typically very lightweight and flimsy,
and cause food to be spilled on the user's clothes. This dastardly scheme
would cause an enormus jump in drycleaning, and the ones who control the
drycleaning are none other than the government.
Another therory, is that the Spork is an Alien utensil, and it is being used
to help these Aliens intigrate into society, before they take over the world.
Whatever is true, the Spork is a very unnatural and eeeeeevil thing, they must
be destroyed, and all trace of them wiped out for our own safety!
I now return you to my regularly scheduled hallucination.
Edward Wong-Hau Trivusky the Fourth
-the guy who's not quite as right in the head as everyone thinks he is