Don't know WTF you're feeling? VENT IT. / letter (no other safe place) [note: R rated]

 on: Oct 4th, 2005, 5:03pm

Started by superdemetri | Post by superdemetri

i could sleep again last night. you weren't my anxiety and anticipation. long gone since my love was in your shadow, waiting for you to notice.
well you did.
but a little too late.

i'm all growds up, baby.
and sexy now.

not the sixteen year-old you met six years ago.
i'm all mouth, and eyes, and breasts, and hips, and sex appeal.
so you hint. i lead. and we plan for a first encounter to end all encounters!

waiting for empty homes. you came to pick me up. only hugs, though.
(i wanted to be your fuck-puppet. at least i thought i did. i just wanted to cure myself of any lingering feelings. send a bullet after that birdie who told me repeatedly that you'd someday be my husband. you, the man who calls me his little sis'. you revealed the cover to me. but that bird's now my beast cos i can't stand the thought of tying my wrists to your side. you are far from what i could want. i just didn't understand the emotion that would come with what i was asking for. i thought you'd treat me like all the other boys and my boyfriend. sex like assisted masturbation. a little degradation to send the pill all the way down.)
it surprised me that you didn't kiss me. at least the others lent me that courtesy.
you took me back to my parents' to wait for my mom to leave us to the fire you started.
(even then i really didn't fully grasp why you had me bring along my digital camera. i guess i didn't think about it much.)

a little procrastination. and then it began.
i kissed your neck. and you let me. but no kisses for me.
(you did read the back of my neck right? "sensual"? ya know you don't have to love me to fuck with an ounce of passion. didn't i tell you that's what i wanted? "throw me up against the wall and kiss me passionately". eroticism isn't too much, it is sex after all.)
i began to lead. i pulled you up and worked my way down. and then you took me down again. "look up, that's so hot. look into the lens."
(you don't get hints well do you. like how reluctant i was to send you a picture of me even mostly dressed.)

{okay. i'll play along. this is just for the blow job, i think. he really wouldn't do this the whole time. naww....}

but it began to.

you made me hold back. not something i'm used to doing. i always want to give more. i'm used to the hard-to-please.

next i had to undress and hold poses for you. like some armature in Hustler magazine. i hate those kind of pictures. i'm one more for playboy. the coy.

and here i am. naked. completely nearly exposed. in the most light you can manage with it being mid-morning, on a sunny day. still flash. and overhead lighting.

i look better in the dark.

you didn't know i used to love you with the most pure, supernatural love. a sent-from-heaven-with-a-purpose kind of love.

but there i am. trying to raise a bit of emotion amidst the nothingness and your hard-on.
i should be able to pick up on any feeling you have, it's my gift.

so who there felt like a fucking mannequin?

you had me on all fours.
like a pictorial for a dirty magazine. pump a little. hold. flash.

so much for giving.

and in as much as 10 minutes you were mopping up my stomach.

and like all the others, you were pleased beyond your fantasies.
but unlike with the others, i've never felt emptier.
sure, my boyfriend's kept going while i was frozen in pain and or crying. but you....

you more than degraded me.

you who are so pleased with me.
me who didn't do a thing but hike up my ass.

you dehumanized me.

me who needs to un-tame herself.
you who couldn't hold out if i did.

you who should know better at 32.
you who claims to be such a fiend for sex.

you who fuck like a virgin.

i promised after two, to never sleep with a virgin again. they're just too hard to train.

still i can't help but wonder about trying it again. maybe you were distracted by your paranoia.
maybe you'd just fuck me through the view-screen the one time.

maybe in its breaking, my heart has a bit of denial.




i used to love you.....



 

Don't know WTF you're feeling? VENT IT. / Re: letter (no other safe place) [note: R rated]

 on: Oct 5th, 2005, 05:20am

Started by superdemetri | Post by superdemetri

yeah. this all happened yesterday.
i really thought things would be different, ya know?

and now all i'm worried about is that the pain is slowly disappearing with my strength.
part of me just wants to be accepted by him.

but he'll never take me in.
and he shouldn't.

i could understand saying and doing something kinky for the rush of the emotion.
but there was no emotion with him.

his face... concentrated nothingness. expressionlessness unbroken but for the open, breathing mouth.

as much as i wanted to, i couldn't stand to look at him.

part of me, my sexuality, my only confidence died there between the couch cushions and the flash bulb.

 Don't know WTF you're feeling? VENT IT. / letter pt 2. [two weeks later, or so.]

 on: Oct 14th, 2005, 03:37am

Started by superdemetri | Post by superdemetri

why am i waiting up for you lately? maybeifi'mgoodenoughmaybeifiprayfromdeepinsidehe'llshowupandwecouldmakethisright.

why does that place inside of my chest feel so empty but for the longing i tried to burn out.
so i pretend i'm doing homework until your usual 12-30 to 1 am appearance on my computer screen. itellmyselfi'mnotbutit'snosecrettoanyonethati'mhereforyouagain.

i don't think i ever told anyone just what it was like to love and never touch you for three years. no one could hold even for a moment the image of what i felt.
mychestisawidedarkgarden
chainedclosedbyribsandbreasts
andpain
there'srarelybeensunlightinthere

but then
there stands a great candle
that no one but heaven above put there.

i'dtrytohideitwithclothesandhandsandsadness

but

this

love

shown

through......

breathbreathbreath


so somehow i put out the flame for real this time.
and noticed that for once, i didn't want you in my future.
youdon'tknowdoyou?
hm.

when my mother first met my father, she knew at first sight he would be her husband.

and that night you drove me home, though it was two years after we'd met....
i knew.

youdon'tknowaboutmedoyou

about my dreams which never not come to pass.
ican'tevencounthowmanytoldmeabout our future.

a future that now sounds like a crusifiction to me.

so i decided to sleep with you so that you might lose interest in me. like so many guys do.
and i could murder the mob of years and months running towards me.
the countdown with their nails and fire.

now i'm wondering if i could've killed them at all.

because now my parents suspect. they joke about you and me in matrimoaning. and you just play along.
and call me.
and write to me.
and still want me.


youmust'veforgotten.youmust'venotnoticed.

and i still can't steady myself in one train of thought.

the pictures were degrading.
the sex was soul-less.
the fact that you didn't kiss or hardly touch me was dehumanizing.

but while the child in me is finally escaping to run and hide, the optimist in me is praying for a better try.

i kept that child in my dark garden.
and she slept by that candle. she'd smile herself to sleep because we believed god put it there.
i never even liked you before then.
and suddenly i was in the realest love i'd ever seen.

but i'll i can think of doing is crying.
because i want to tell you...
but i don't think anyone else should be hurt between us.

i want to sob and scream out all the pain.
but i'm not a cryer. it just makes my eyes burn.
i never feel better.

so to release the inside.
i'm going to change the outside.

next time you see me. i won't look anything like those pictures you keep on your computer.

you wont see the broken face.
you wont see the skin i wear now. the epidermis and all layers deeper are burned by the flashbulb and your waste.

you fucker.


i want to drop tears all over myself.
and wash away your smell.

you fucker.







you fuck.



i can't hate you.


ican'thateyou.

i'm less of a person because of what we did.








i just can't.


you f.

you make me want to run like a little girl.

but just like my father did,

you run me down.

the image of you puts me in a headlock like my daddy did.
it squeezes my neck till i'm dizzy.

until i'm so messed up again i play along again.
and get you off.


but i don't want to make you feel guilty.

you're a good man, aren't you?


i don't know you.


you photographed the most private part of me.



you fucker.

not even a peck.




you fuck.




you won't see a tear from me.
 

Don't know WTF you're feeling? VENT IT. / letter # 3. look what i found

 on: Oct 14th, 2005, 10:32am

Started by superdemetri | Post by superdemetri

superdemetri's journal
24 Apr 2005

why do i love you?
why do i try to deny something so irrefutable?
why is every song on the radio about you?

why is my life empty without remembering our future?

who are you with now?
why does the idea her make me jelous?

what's it going to take to win you?
when will i have the chance?

oh, why is this so pathetic.
i'm not pinning away for you. i love you. like nothing i've loved before. i don't know why. i just know what it's not.
not a crush.
not infatuation.
not leaving without you.

either accept me
or push me away when the time arrives
that i can live to the truth of who i am.

i'm no longer going to attempt to push the knowledge of you away.

you make my heart breathe.




 

Don't know WTF you're feeling? VENT IT. / letter # 4. under/over/not yet

 on: Oct 16th, 2005, 06:28am

Started by superdemetri | Post by superdemetri

they say that the best way to get over one man, is to get under another....
and oh! did i.
writing you that email about what great sex i can have really made me hunger for owen again.

and he needed me too.


youshould'veseenus.youassumedvirginofpassion.

for what we did in the back of that bus, it might as well have been anywhere.

like no one else can i make that man tremble in pleasure.
and he needed to have his "goddess" again.

what's more...
we kissed. constantly.

and after we were done, [which is never really done with me....]
he just sat there with me (his little afterworshiped fuck-puppet) and he just held and kissed me. i don't even do that with my boyfriend.
but unlike either you or my boyfriend, owen gives a little more every time.

after our short encounter, he took me home. and there was a new sense of peace inside.
what once was cracked and rattling in me was now soothed to bliss.

and i didn't even have to cum.


youquickshot.


can you hear me laughing inside?













can you hear me thinking again.



checking my messenger?










hearing my mind splinter as another love song comes on?







whatdoiwantwhatdoiwantwhatdoiwant





i can't seem to stay attached to anything right now.




she's offering up her hand for you to hold.
why else would i fit so perfectly into your frame?



just run, Amanda.
 

 Don't know WTF you're feeling? VENT IT. / pt. 5 the saga continues

 on: Oct 23rd, 2005, 04:20am

Started by superdemetri | Post by superdemetri

spoke to him last night over I. M.

told him everything. i didn't think i ever would.
how much it hurt.
and why it hurt so much.
and that i was in love with him once.


and then he had to make it all so confusing.
that he was sorry.
that he only did it like that out of paranoia. fear of someone walking in on us.
that he "thinks worlds" of me.
that he only visited my parents to see me. for years.
he left me to wonder if he would come for me if we weren't respectively attached.

i'm in a dark, padded room trying to scratch through the walls.
don't leave me without knowledge of the future, god.

god, i don't trust you.

i don't trust him.

i don't even know myself.

it's been many, many months since i last took a blade to my skin.
i considered it today.
i remember how the blades would cut the walls away.

sometimes i wish i were a cryer.
but crying causes more pain than relief.
it makes my eyes burn for days.

he told me that if i give him another chance, he'll prove himself.
he won't just play.
he'll kiss and hold.


this isn't what you promised me, god.


i must have been crazy to believe you'd save a girl like me.

was it all an illusion? all those dreams.
even the ones that came true?

i don't want anymore secrets.
i want to be held by someone who knows everything about me. i want them to tell me that it's okay.
tell me where to go so that i don't feel pain.

i've learned to cry without tears.
will just thinks those sounds mean it feels good.