SLEEPLESS by November

Disclaimer: Nothing that’s Star Trek belongs to me. Something about Paramount and certain people who produce certain shows… No breaking of law intended... I just borrowed some characters to play around. BTW...the story’s mine! ;-)

It was dark in the Captain’s quarters. Dark and quiet. But Kathryn Janeway couldn’t find any sleep. Every bulkhead, desk, chair and piece of technology reminding her on undone work. She just couldn’t get away, finding the well deserved rest she so much needed. It was haunting, and most certainly her own fault, for working even in her quarters, when she had her ready-room to deal with such things. Well, but the ready-room was near the bridge and that meant duty. Whatever she did her was just…homework, not business. Sighing she slipped out of bed walking over to the replicator. One tiny coup of coffee…she thought longingly but knew too well it wouldn’t help her with falling asleep but keep her awake.

“No, Kathryn!” she admonished herself. “No coffee.” Janeway returned to the bed and sat down, searching the room for something to occupy her mind. Restless was how she felt. And thoughtful if one could feel both at the same time. After a while she decided to dress and take a walk, to go someplace less familiar. Not that she didn’t know every detail of her ship by heart but her quarters- that was something too personal.

Janeway found herself automatically making her way to the bridge and stopped dead in her tracks. She didn’t want to arrive there, scaring whatever crewmember happened to have the nightshift, maybe sitting in the Big Chair for the first time. If she remembered correctly it was Meredith Jales turn. The ensign tended to get a little jumpy when it came down to facing her Captain. Besides Janeway didn’t want to give Jales the impression that she didn’t trust her command abilities. So she changed direction and headed for the mess-hall instead. Neelix wouldn’t be in there for another hour. Hopefully, that was all the time she needed to come to terms with her inner self.

Seven was standing at one of the windows in the mess-hall, arms crossed at her back, eyes fixed on the stars in front of her. She heard the door open and spun around, not knowing why she felt…assaulted.

“Captain.” There was a note of curiosity in her voice.

“Seven.” Janeway replied no less perplexed than the ex-drone. “What are you doing here, at this time? I thought you were regenerating.”

“I wasn’t aware of the fact, that visiting the mess-hall at three o’clock in the morning is against Starfleet-regulations.” came the answer, somewhat more defensive, than Janeway had expected.
“It is not.” she explained, slightly amused. “I just wondered why you are here.”

“I was…thinking.” Seven said, obviously uncomfortable with the situation but trying to be courteous.

“Why here?”

“The view is more…compelling than the containers in cargo-bay two.”

“I see.” Janeway commented approaching the other woman. “Attractiveness is relevant?” Seven raised an eyebrow, her gaze returning to open space.

“Sometimes it is.” she admitted, gingerly. The Captain smiled to herself. So she was speaking to the obliging Seven, the one that was human and didn’t need to hide behind a mask of knowledge and perfection.

“Would you mind telling me, what you were thinking about?”

“I do.” The harsh answer hurt Janeway but at least it was honest. She nodded slowly.
“Very well than, shall I leave you alone?”

“You need not do so, Captain. I can think as well in your presence as I do alone.” Maybe the ex-drone herself wasn’t aware of the fact that what she just said could easily be interpreted as an appeal for company. Janeway shrugged, hesitantly taking a seat on a nearby table, watching the tall blonde watch the stars. After a while the ex-drone turned again, uncertainty reflecting in her eyes.
“Why don’t you take a seat?” Janeway suggested. To her surprise, Seven did.

“Was it about humanity?” the older woman guessed, trying once again to break the ice.

“It always is about humanity, in a way.” The statement elicited a laugh.

“Feeling philosophical tonight, Seven?”

“What humans regard as philosophy is pointless. Interpreting and contemplating conditions without improving or even understanding them is a waste of time.”

“So you’ve been wasting you time.” Janeway observed, still amused.

“I was not philosophising.”

“And I didn’t mean to offend you.” the Captain cautioned her, serious now. She would have loved to ask, if thinking and philosophising wasn’t the same- in a way- but the ex-drone seemed troubled and she didn’t want to make her feel even more uneasy.

“You did not. I was only correcting your misinterpretation of my situation.”

“So that’s what I am? Misinterpreting.” Janeway didn’t know why she was irritated but thought it best to leave, before this woman managed to really get her angry.

“I’m sorry, I interrupted you.” She rose. “Good night, Seven. Nice thinking.”

“Please…” the ex-drone muttered, suddenly sounding like a little child, her eyes pleading for something her mouth hadn’t expressed yet.

“What is it, Seven?”

“Stay.” she murmured barely audible. Stricken the Captain sat down again.
“Okay…” Leaning forward she searched Seven’s clear blue eyes. Eyes, that had always fascinated her, even though or maybe because she hardly had the chance to look at them for more than a few seconds.

“Tell me.” she bid. “I’m listening.” The whole situation was too unrealistic to be thought much about and so the Captain didn’t think but let things happen. And in an hour like that, it most likely could happen…

“Why do I always challenge you?” Seven asked, rather than explaining something. The moment was lost. Janeway noticed she was holding her breath and leant back, exhaling.
“You know how often I asked myself the same question? About a thousand times.” She shrugged. “I never came to a conclusion. Earlier you did it, no doubt, because you hated me. But you don’t hate me anymore, do you?” She felt herself fearing the answer.

“I don’t.” Janeway sighed, relieved.

“Good. Then why don’t you tell me? Why do you always challenge me? Question everything I do or say?”

“I don’t know.” Seven confessed, looking away. “Sometimes to anger you.”
“Anger me?” Janeway asked, bewildered. “Why?”

“I study your reaction.” The Captain gave a hysterical laugh.

“That’s the reason you play with your life?” She had tried to take it humorously but failed. Seven didn’t understand. She looked nearly as confused as the Captain felt.

“Why do you want to study this…specific reaction? ”
“It is human.”
“Yes, but it is not very positive!”

“Because humans are imperfect.” Janeway resisted the urge to respond to that.

“Do you want to learn imperfection?”
“No!” Seven contradicted intensely. “I want to…” she trailed of.

“What do you want?”

“Hate is a feeling, right Captain?” Janeway nodded.

“Yes, but I don’t understand what-“
“If I make you hate me, than you are not indifferent towards me.” The older woman shook her head in disbelieve.
“Why, I’m never indifferent towards you.” Seven looked up and Janeway could see tears, forming at the corner of those lovely eyes.

“I don’t understand all this.” the ex-borg cried, sobbing heavily. Shocked the Captain left her place to take the younger woman into her arms. She half expected Seven to back away but she leaned into the embrace, burring her head on Janeway’s shoulder.
“Cap-tain…”

“Shhh, I’m here Seven.” she tried to calm her.

“I…make you…angry. But I…don’t…want to. I want…you to…like me and…and every…time…something…goes wrong.”
“Seven, I do like you! Do you hear me? Never believe anything else!”

“But…how can you? I…disobey you.…I do…not understand your…reasoning. I…am…not…human.”
“Yes, you are!” Janeway insisted.

“How could you love me?” she whispered. The Captain winced. Gently she took Seven’s face in her hands, bringing her head up to look into those eyes once again.
“What did you say?” But the fit had passed and she could see Seven recoil. The ex-drone ripped down, leaving the table and staring back at the Captain who stood unmoved.

“I…apologise.” she stammered.

“There’s no need to apologise, Seven. I only want to know what you just said.”

“You heard it, Captain.”

“Yes, I did.” She thought for a while before going on. “If I didn’t care, as you claimed, would I be standing here, listening to you?”
“You don’t desire me!” she burst out.

“Now what makes you say that?” Janeway asked, mockingly raising an eyebrow herself and blushing slightly but not wanting to beat around the bush any longer.

“You are not aroused by my presence.”
“How would you know that?” the Captain demanded idly.

“I experienced signs of arousal before. Ensign Kim-“
“Don’t you think I’m a little better in hiding my emotions than young Ensign Kim?” Janeway interrupted.

“That is not the point. My ocular implants are capable of seeing many reactions of the human body. Reactions even you can not hide.”

“Then maybe you were distracted. Or you should take a closer look.” she spoke very softly. Seven froze, finally realising what the Captain was implying.

“You are in love with me?”

“And if I were?”
“We are in the mess-hall.” She cast haunted glanced around the room.

“You’re avoiding my question.” Janeway pressed. “What if I am in love with you?”

“I don’t know.”

“Are you? In love with me, I mean.”
“Captain, I’m malfunctioning. I believe my body-temperature is rising. I must have a fever.”

“That’s perfectly normal.”
“But I don’t understand.” Janeway took a step closer.

“You just explained it to me and now you don’t understand?” She laughed softly. “I think you’re in love, Seven. This is one of the most positive sites of being human. It certainly is the most beautiful feeling. And it’s far more worth studying than anger.”
“But why does it leave me weak?” The ex-drone stumbled and the Captain rushed to catch her. She guided her to a table.
“Come, sit down with me, again. We really need to talk about it.”
“Talk? About what?”
“About love.”

Some time later, about four o’clock in the morning, a very confused Neelix encountered a very cheerful Captain Janeway, exiting his mess-hall.

“Ca-captain. What where you…doing…I mean…can I…get you…“ He trailed of as he saw her expression of utter delight.
“Mr. Neelix.” She padded his shoulder turning him around and guiding him down the hall. “I just had an early but very lovely breakfast. After all,” she winked. “it is my private dining room, isn’t it?”

“Certainly Captain and I’m glad to hear you ate something, I don’t mind of course. You missed so many meals it doesn’t matter if you use my supplies or…or the reblicator and…I mean, your the Captain…b-b-b-but I’d need to…I mean the crew is waiting. I have to prepare breakfast for the early shift.” Her grip tightened but then she heard the doors behind them open. She brought her lips to his ear and whispered:
“Sure.” A glance over her shoulder confirmed that Seven was already out of sight. He swallowed hard, brining a hand to his whiskers.

“Would you let me go than, please?” he asked, somewhat distressed.

“Of course.” She smiled again and took her hand away.
“Sorry for holding you back.”
“Never mind.” Neelix answered but the Captain didn’t seem to hear it, anymore. He watched her disappear around the corner with a bounce in her step.
“Whatever it was she ate, it certainly left her very satisfied.” the cook muttered to himself shaking his head slightly. “As I always say, a good meal works it’s magic- even on the Captain. She really should try and eat more regularly…”