First and foremost you must get the large pair of shears from the garage and either cut your own hair or ask the next door neighbor to do it for you. After the haircutting ask politely if you could take some of the neighbors rubbish with you. This can be stocked just inside the front door along with your own – which should start to mature nicely in a couple of days.

If your neighborhood has no rats in the sewers then go to the Pet Shop and buy the largest mice or hamsters that you can find so that you can leave them beside the rubbish just inside your front door. Scenic effects are important!

Okay. Back home, start by placing three-inch strips of wood across the top and bottom of every doorway in the house. Then leave all of the left over wood littered around the bedroom so that you should trip over them at frequent intervals. Next place the large and heavy piece of steel in a convenient place and at a suitable height so that at any unexpected moment you will hit your head on it – thus gaining a large and sore lump or bruise on your head.

Things are looking good.

The next step is to gain that real authentic Engine Room feeling. Oily, smoky, greasy, humid, hot….etc. Get the humidifier or spray gun and fill it with Lubricating Oil. Spray it liberally around the rooms so that everything will have an extremely fine layer of oil on it. Next turn the radiators up in all rooms and wear a large and badly fitting boiler suit covered in grease and oil.

Now go to your bedroom and set all the alarm clocks to ring at different times. Then go to the bathroom and loosen a couple of couplings on the water pipes so that water leaks out. Liberally paint these with green or blue paint and anything else that is nearby.

You are nearly set! The next part should bring the sea and Engine Room into your house and you can now sit back and relax, enjoying the flavors and memories’ as you once knew them.

Get loads of beer and canned foods and then drink and eat them quickly whilst rocking backwards and forwards violently in a Rocking Chair. Having demolished a minimum of eight cans, go down to the kitchen and attempt to cook the largest and most complicated hamburger sandwich that you have ever imagined – involving at least six slices of bread and a whole lettuce and a jar of pickles (remember to suitably burn the Hamburgers). Completed and ready take your sandwich up to your room? Hopefully, this will be achieved having navigated all the obstacles and doorframes or not as the case may be. You will now be able to prepare yourself for bed.

Go to the bathroom and wash your face and hands in the sink. Doing this will allow your hands o be suitably covered in wet green or blue paint and Lubricating Oil that has been splashed around. Go back to the bedroom!

Leave the sandwich on the dressing table with a maximum of two bites taken out of it. Then climb into bed with the your boiler suit on and the light still shining. Finally, before drifting off into sleep depress the switch on the Industrial sized Mixer that you have placed beside your pillow and put your earmuffs on. Now with the alarm clocks ringing throughout the night, the noise from the mixer, the smell of a badly cooked hamburger and smells from the rubbish downstairs you should be home.

Hopefully if all goes to plan you should have to get up after a little while to go to the toilet. This will involve hitting your head on the piece of steel that you placed suitably and tripping over the wood that you conveniently left lying around, getting more wet paint on your hands and feeling tired and utterly sick of it all!

Wow, feel right at home?

In the morning try and clean up the mess and remove all makings before the wife returns from her mothers.

Keep everything hidden for a possible rerun if the longing returns – should not after this but one never knows.

Go to the hairdressers and try to get a decent haircut.

Go out for a beer and enjoy life ashore!