"I'm sorry, how do you pronounce your name again?.....Kaaaathy...okay."
"I don't wanna marry a goat, I really don't."
"I swear if colgate comes out with one more type of toothepaste. I just want clean teeth that's all I want. I don't want the tartar and I don't want the cavities. And I want white teeth. How come I have to choose? And then they have the 'Colgate Total' that supposedly has everything in there. I don't believe that for one second. If it's all in teh one, how come they make all the others? Who's going: "I don't mind the tartar so much."?".
"There are certain songs you just know have parts where there aren't any real lyrics, because nobody can figure them out even after hearing the song over and over and over again. For instance, that Aretha Franklin song "Respect." Everybody gets the part: "R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Find out what it means to me. R-E-S-P-E-C-T." But what follows is anybody's guess. To me it's either "Da cha, te ee cee tee. Ho!" or "Something about a tee-pee. Ho!" But then everybody is back on board with "Sock it to me. Sock it to me. Sock it to me."
"Sometimes my mother is gayer than me."
"Look at youuuu!"
"That's my ass."
"They say we use 10% of our brains...imagine what we could accomplish if we used the other 60%..do you know what I'm saying?"
"Just go up to somebody on the street and say "You're it!" and just run away."
"Aww...and then they just nuzzle ya?"
"A lot of energy...lot of energy going on here and look at my face...nothing."
"My bra's in my ass!"
"Why don't you take a vow not to drive!...Drop it like a bad habbit!"
"Heh heh heh heh heh...I shot em!....He was coming in...going for the Sony."
"I think people talk too much anyway. Sometimes people are talking to me and in my mind I'm just like "shut up, shut up, shut up...blah blah blah blah blaaaaah."
"So there I am naked...except for the harness....I bought a harness."
"I'm on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I'm gonna rip it off."
"I see those picketers, and I think you know, if I weren't a loving, non-violent, spiritual person, I would really go over there and grab those signs and smash them over their heads and shove them up their asses. But...I'm a loving, spiritual person."
"I think they give Christians a bad name. And they speak volumes. We don't need to say anything. It's just sad and pathetic and it's one little family. And I'm....we should give em' a hug or something. Show them what love is. They don't understand. Poor little people. Poor little saaaad people. Driving back in their van: "We showed them!....right Mom?...Dad?...Cousin Joe?....whole congregation?"
"People always ask me 'Were you funny as a child?" Well, I was an accountant."
"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is."
"What's that about?"
"Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice message system. ELLEN! Is not available."
"Yes, Hi, I'd like to make dinner reservations there's four of us and the name is ELLEN!...oh my"
"Seriously, if you're here then, you're probably gay."
"Hello?..Oh, hi Tom. Ooh, I've been dying to see that movie...Mmm no, I just opened up some yogurt. I am in for the night....Not even later, it's the kind with the fruit on the bottom. Thanks anyway. Have fun."
"Oh...Sorry I'm late...Traffic. Hm. Really? How you think I got here? Hellacoptered in?"
"And we certainly don't have full conversations on cellphones. You know? Usually the reception is so bad, but it's only bad on your side. The person talking to you has no clue...They're just rambling on and on. You've got your finger jammed in your ear, you're shushing people on the streets. You're ducked behind a dumpster so you can hear about your friend's new hair cut. 'What about the bangs are they shorter?!?...Are the bangs shorter?!?...THE BAAANGS!!!"
"I feel sorry for the newscasters you know? We can turn it off. But that's their job and they have to read these stories and they're just coming up on the teleprompter they don't know what's coming up. and they have to go through these change of emotions. That.. "There were no survivors...And next Which candybar helps ya lose weight! Still to come! Is an asteroid headed towards earth...But first where to find the cheesiest pizza in town! Also, a disturbing study finds that studies are disturbing... "
"Then you have these people in the movie theaters that talk the whole time during the movie. You ever go with somebody like that to a movie but you don't realize until you get there that you're with somebody like that? Brand new movie. First day it's open. You're there together and the entire time they're sitting there: "Where's she going?....Why'd he do that?....Is he mad at her?" "I don't know, let's watch and find out together shall we?" You know who you are...You're denying it right now: "I do not do that...Why is she saying that?....What's she gonna say next?"
"I was in yoga the other day. I was in full loadest position. My shockers were all aligned. My mind is all cleared of all shatter and I'm looking out of my third eye and everything that I'm supposed to be doing. It's amazing what comes up, when you sit in that silence. "Mama keeps whites bright like the sunlight, mama's got the magic of chlorox two."
"My dog of 13 years just died. Oh you're kidding?...Noooo...as funny as that is, I'm not"
"Oh she tripped?....Nooo, she's running. I thought she tripped but she's running. She stopped running, she did trip. You tripped!!!"
"I have a problem with procrastination too! Really? Get my sandwich!"
"Do people think we're gay because we're here?....I'm not gaaay. Is that how they get us?"
"I told you this would happen! We're not going to understand a word of this!"
