We are constantly bombarded by a stream of advertising from commercial interests who seek to exploit the fear and insecurity of impotent men. There are
painful injections and implants, or ludicrous suction pumps which may produce the desired "hard on" - but little, if any, pleasurable sensations for the man.
Now we have the "wonder drug", Viagra, destined to make big money for Pfizer.
And why are men persuaded to put up with all this? Because they have been conditioned to believe that "real men" are only interested in sexual intercourse
and women are only interested in men who can give it to them. Fortunately, this widespread myth is wrong on both counts.
The American sex researcher and writer, Shere Hite, discovered in the 1970's that most women orgasm through direct clitoral stimulation, and very few
through vaginal intercourse alone.
IMPOTENT MEN MAKE GREAT LOVERS
Freed from the impatient desire to ejaculate, impotent men are able to be skilful and considerate lovers concentrating on giving pleasure to their partners.
Hours can be spent in sharing intimate fantasies and enjoying exploring the sensual pleasures of each other's body. Women are then able to enjoy several
orgasms at their own pace at the hands of their partners. Is this what makes some men so insecure - the thought that women can achieve marvellous
orgasms without the use of an erect penis?
COME OUT AS IMPOTENT
Why do so many men live in shame and embarrassment at being impotent ? It's time for more men to liberate themselves and say like me, "I'm impotent - and
it's OK !"
I have been impotent for several years but I am able to give and receive more pleasure now than ever before in my life. In order to help other impotent men
and their partners Hilary and I have appeared in a TV documentary and written widely in the press. We are always pleased to hear from other men and
women who wish to discuss the issues arising from male impotence.
In our discussions with impotent men and their partners a number of questions have repeatedly arisen. Our response to these are shown below. Your
contribution to this discussion will be very welcome.
Being impotent makes me feel very depressed and hopeless. How can I have a normal sex life?
Your question implies that there is something which sex ought to be. There is. It ought to be a satisfying experience between two affectionate people from
which they both emerge feeling good and that they would like more. This definition recognises that people differ enormously in what they need and in their
capacity to be satisfied. Your negative feelings about yourself will change when you find the right woman who co-operates with you and reassures you. It
seems more important that you both decide what you want together rather than judge yourselves against some vague notion of what is 'normal'. Besides
there are many exciting sexual activities apart from 'normal' sexual intercourse!
But can I have a 'normal' relationship?
Having a 'normal' relationship does not guarantee good sex and there is probably less sex in many marriages/long-term relationships than you imagine,
particularly when kids come along. If you want good sex you may find that an 'abnormal' relationship is better and as long as it is mutually satisfying and it
doesn't harm anyone there is nothing wrong with it.
My wife /partner is very understanding but doesn't a woman really need penetrative sex to be satisfied?
Some women do, some women don't. However, you should find out what she wants. It can be fun to explore all the senses to find out what can be a turn-on
for her i.e. tastes, smells, sounds,sights and touch. Most women want affection - holding hands, cuddles, hugs, kissing, dancing romantically - as a first step.
They may enjoy being stroked, fondled, caressed and kissed on various parts of their bodies, including breasts and nipples, ear lobes, neck, back, buttocks
and between their thighs. This can be enough to arouse some women but for others genital stimulation is also necessary. To reach orgasm a woman needs
continuous, rhythmic stimulation of the clitoris and this does not need a thrusting penis. It is important to know that the clitoris is more sensitive than the
vagina and therefore a more crucial area for sexual pleasure. Penetration of the vagina by fingers may be pleasurable and an aroused vagina may hug the
man's fingers as they move back and forth. To reach orgasm during penetration most women need clitoral stimulation before penetration and some need it
also during penetration. In other words, all orgasms originate in the clitoris though they may be felt elsewhere. The belief that a vaginal orgasm is the ideal
for the sexually mature woman is generally regarded as a myth.
There is still the question of whether penetration by fingers, or an object, can be as satisfying as a penis. The answer to this will depend on the couple and
their ability to be clear and honest about their needs. With practice a man can learn techniques for giving a woman the sensation of a penis and a woman can
use fantasy to imagine she is being penetrated by a penis. In other words, if their overall sexual needs are being adequately met, then there is no reason
why his impotence should be a frustrating experience for them.
Many women seek sexual fulfillment on a more emotional level than men and use the language of 'lovemaking'. They understand the pleasure of simply
being intimate and open with a man and don't feel the same pressure as a man to perform. They enjoy sex because it gives them a general feeling of well-
being and affirms their womanliness.
Can you suggest ways that we might 'play' together in a sexual way so that we can add to our repertoire?
Play comes naturally to children but to engage in 'adult play' takes courage. Often it can be very exciting to verbalise your sexual thoughts and fantasies in a
playful way. For example, a woman may fantasise about being fucked by a virile man, and her partner may fantasise about watching this; or you may both
imagine other men looking at her naked body and being aroused by it. You could also try role-playing. For example, she could play the part of a strict,
demanding, dissatisfied woman who tells him off for being useless and pathetic and not a 'real man'; he could play the part of a powerful man who
disapproves of her sexual hunger and calls her a slut, an animal, wanting to be fucked!
Another suggestion is to try a naturist lifestyle. Naturism can provide a liberating experience for impotent men and their partners. You will soon shake off
any feelings of shame, inadequacy or embarrassment about your bodies. There is no greater sensual pleasure than feeling the air on your naked body. You
may also enjoying taking nude photos of each other to record the occasion.
Yes, 'normal' people like you do all of these things!
Are you saying that we must just learn to live with it?
A hard dick does seem to be very important to man's self-esteem. But it is often unclear whether the floppiness or the poor self-esteem comes first.
Sometimes the onset of impotence can be linked to a failed relationship, which is a blow to the man's self-confidence. Very often a downward spiral occurs
in which the impotence and poor self-esteem are mutually reinforcing and there seems no way out.
The only solution is to stop thinking of impotence as a problem. This is different from 'learning to live with it'. It is more about being absolutely certain that it
is OK to be impotent. In order to feel this way you need to consider how your feelings have been shaped by attitudes in society. Our society is full of images
of the swaggering, macho male who is confident of his own virility. Although you may consciously reject this stereotype, it is so pervasive it may still
influence your self-image. Even women who have apparently rejected this stereotype may, when they become involved with a man, slip back into traditional
ways of thinking about male sexuality. However, your whole identity and sexuality is not determined by your ability to sustain an erection.,
In addition, you may feel that masturbation was acceptable when you were a teenager but now that you are grown-up you must forget that and perform
penetrative sex. In reality masturbation is used in our adult sex lives to a greater or lesser extent and some men admit that penetrative sex is not what they
enjoy most. If you want a 'grown-up', happy, loving relationship with a woman it is not important to have penetrative sex.
In a new relationship how and when do I raise the subject of my impotence?
There is no point in raising this unless you are already in a significant emotional relationship. During the initial phase of a relationship there are so many
things to negotiate subtly that this is likely to be one of many areas that will need testing out. It is probably a good idea to limit yourself initially to heavy
petting. As you develop an increasing level of physical intimacy this may be an appropriate time to raise it. Obviously, it helps if your both in a relaxed mood,
in a pleasant environment, and it may help if you have had a few drinks! Her initial reaction will indicate whether this is likely to be a problem within the
relationship. Having raised the subject once you can then proceed on another occasion to discuss the practical implications.
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