Do you ever feel like you're the cause of everybody's problems?

Do you ever feel like you're just in the way all the time, and you should just do your own things because people are sick of you tagging along and being annoying?

Do you ever feel like you're not supposed to go certain places--like people don't want you there, like if you say something there it's completely out of line?

Do you ever feel like nobody understands how you're feeling?

I was watching "Cowboy Bebop" with my dad Wednesday and he thought it was strange to see unrequited love in a cartoon.  He also said something about that if you know how that feels, you figure you can get through about anything.  Well, I've got an idea about how that feels... maybe it's not the full thing, and maybe everybody will say "you're just a kid, what do you know about anything?"  But maybe some day I'll tell you all the whole sad story.

And everybody will say "well, it's your fault it happened like that, anyway."  Maybe so.  I expect it, because I've been telling myself that ever since I decided to think about all of that crap.  And that was at least a year ago.  I don't think about it as often, to be sure, but it comes back to me frequently enough.

You know, sometimes I wish people would just say the truth sometimes.  I wish people would say "I hate your fucking website and take me off your mailing list because it reminds me of how crappy you are."  Sure, I'm gonna get upset about something like that, but at least I can deal with it.  Hopefully.

I wish I could get through life without having to worry about if I'm part of a scene or if I'm one of those people.  I wish I didn't think about stuff like that because then I could get through life without worrying about it.  You know, I don't have to be emo to listen to emo, I don't have to be punk to listen to punk, I don't have to be some stupid suburban white kid to listen to rap, I don't have to be a stuck-up smarty-pants to listen to classical, I don't have to be an elitist prep to listen to Dave Matthew's Band, I don't have to be a student Green to be a vegetarian or be progressive, I don't have to be an artist to appreciate art.

Shit like that.  Either it's people who are messed up or it's me.  Take your pick, because either way I'm sick of it.

Well, what a miserable existence it is, eh?  While people in 3rd world nations are worrying about whether they'll eat, have shelter, or die today I'm worrying about silly little social things.  What's it all matter when there are people who hate America because of people like me who are too selfish to even know where 3rd world countries are?
 
 
 
 

...hmm.  Well, somebody once said that I was too hard on myself.  I think I'm being hard on myself so I don't have to be hard on other people.  Or maybe by focusing all my frustration on myself, I run out of targets and I have to target other people who have nothing to do with it.  I mean, what if I'm just taking all my frustration out on my friends when they don't deserve it?  I don't know... I don't think so, really.  I think they would have decided not to be my friends if I would lash out at them all the time.

I've been thinking why it is I've been unhappy recently.  Well, the obvious reason would be that I don't have shit to do.  I go exercise every other day in the morning and that's about all the activity I get.  And on the weekends I expect to have a good social time somewhere with somebody, when I really shouldn't expect anything.  Because, as people always say, you've got to give if  you want to receive, and what have I been giving?

Exactly.

But I could blame any thing and any one, and it won't get me anywhere.  All I can do is wait until I have to go back to school, and then I'll be too busy to care about shit like this, right?  I'll be too busy to think about unresolved feelings, boredom, social matters, or how crappy life is at times like this.  Hell, maybe I'll be in high spirits by then and be doing exactly what I want to be doing.

Well, here's to wishful thinking.  Time for tacos.
 

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