November 4th 2003

I went to parties a lot this weekend. I also didn't go to school yesterday cause Katie didn't go. It's wonderful to have an excuse like that not to go to school. I slept until 2:30. It was awesome. I got really drunk on saturday night at some party in hancock and fell. And I fell DAMN hard, too. Damn hard. I'm pretty sure I broke my hand or something cause it won't stop hurting. But I can't go to the doctor cause I don't have insurance.  I also have a lovely bruise on my face. Ahh, the wonders of being trashed.   I also talked to Serg at that party before I got THAT drunk. I told him that I wanted to talk to Tom, and so he told Tom to email me and he did. It's funny, cause there was a lot I wanted to say to him and now I don't know if I want to. I'm scared that one of two things will happen. 1. It will fuck up his life. or 2. He won't care at all.   I don't know where the happy medium is in that, but I certainly hope there is one. I know that he has a lot going on and stuff......but in order for me to be ok I really really need to tell him all the stuff that I have been telling other people in the past months. All the things that I have been crying about and regretting. Maybe I shouldn't, maybe it's more important that HE is ok. Maybe it's more important not to know that he doesn't give shit. I don't know what I should do now.   I guess I'm gonna go though....I might get it in my head to write more in here later though, cause I haven't slept at all and I've got a lot on my mind. Pray for me, anyone that cares.

November 5th 2003

So Tom wrote me back today. I don't know if this is gonna make anything better for me or him and I don't really know what it is I want to do. I think it's been to long for me just to say "hey, I want to get back together with you". Yeah, it's been way too long. But it hasn't been to long for me to say "hey, I know a lot about you and I want to be your friend and I want to help you through the bad things that are going on in your life". Not to say that he's not smart enough to deal with things on his own.....but it is always nice to have someone there to help you. And as confused as he seems to be I'm not entirely sure that he has that. I could be that for him, really , cause I really do care about him to this day and I would have his best interest in mind and NO alterior motives. Ok well I gotta go.

November 6th, 2003

So me and Tom are talking again, actually talking. Catching up on the things that have happened to each other since we stopped talking altogether. Maybe I'm dumb cause I'm trying to get myself involved in this situation, I don't know. But I can't just let a person that I care about so much and once was in complete love with just walk out of my life and not give a shit or do anything about it. I actually invited him to come hang out in Calumet this weekend. Jeezus...I hope I'm not making a mistake trying to be his friend.   Anyway, I got drunk again last night. eight Jager bombs, three beer bongs, and something like 5 shots of vodka str8 out of the bottle. As much as I have matured I think the whole drinking thing is one thing in my life that might need to change. Not that I want to stop drinking altogether, I think maybe I should just cut back or stop entirely for a little while so that my tolerance goes back to what it used to be. I should have been shitfaced trashed last night and I really didn't get that bad.   Ashley is coming to town with us this weekend too.....I hope we don't bore her to death. Usually when you plan to have fun that's not how it works. I wish that was how it worked though, like you just said "ok, let's have fun now" and someone bought some beer and threw a party right then and there, and all the people that you wanted to see there were there. ha. Yeah right.   Ok well I think I'm gonna go work on some other parts of the site now......I got some more shit to add er whatever and stuff. I also think I need to redo the first page so that it's easier to navigate.  That's probably a good idea. I'll write more tomorrow I'm sure.

November 9th, 2003

I'm pretty sure that I'm the dumbest person alive. Tom told me in an email the other day that he just wanted a friend, that he didn't need any more relationships in his life. I was totally okay with that.....and then on Saturday he decided he was gonna come up to Calumet and visit me....and he was bieng all lovey dovey and blah blah blah. I went along with it because I wanted to, and I thought that maybe he would change his mind.....but I was wrong. He still loves Val even though all she does is fuck with him. I knew this was going to happen, and I shouldn't have let myself start hoping that he would see how much I wanted to be part of his life again, and for all the people I know he was the one person I would have tried for. This must be my fault, or it wouldn't suck so much. Oh well, so goes the story of my pathetic little life. This is going to be one helluva depressing day, I can see it now. Cause you know, bad things happen in threes. Remind me never to wish for something this hard ever again.

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