November 11th, 2003
So I have decided that I definetely don't need anyone......I mean I have some good friends and my family is pretty cool, but that part of my life that I thought was missing....well.....it doesn't exist anymore. I've made up my mind on that one. I am going to learn to live without that kind of love. What I need right now is some meaningless physical attachment. Yep. Some might say that's no way to live, but don't people think about thier own feelings sometimes?? It sure doesn't seem that way. If they did then they would realize that the only person you can count on is yourself. That if you try to have a relationship with someone, it always ENDS one way or another and every little bit of effort that you would have put into it doesn't mean a fucking thing. I wonder if it's just that I'm bitter and cynical.....that could be it. And as much as I'm talking about not needing someone.....eventually I'm gonna think it's worth it to try and have a relationship with someone. My own naivety makes me feel sorry for myself. My own stupidity....doing this shit over and over again.....THAT is what makes me hate myself.
November 14th, 2003

I got my school pictures back today. They actually don't suck that much. People are stealing shit from my site, and I am not mad. Actually I am slightly bitter about it cause I had to look for that shit myself, dammit. We get to go out to lunch with Kathy today.....YAY!!! Oh yeah and I think maybe I have a Sniffy. We'll see.
November 24th, 2003

  It has been a really long time since I have written in here. I was thinking that I should probably change the way I have this whole journal thing set up, because this way the old ones are first and shit. I should probably make a link to like every entry, but that would mean that I would have to probably copy every entry until now or else I would just have to start over and I think there's been enough valuable thought put into these journal entries that I don't really want to do that. Oh well, I'll deal with it later.
  On another note, I spend the weekend in Houghton with Ashley. I had a lot of fun, really, overall. Tom was there at Jared Freeman's going away party, and he was telling me that from now on it was just me and him or something and that he was gonna call ashley's the next day and we were gonna hang out. He didn't call, for whatever reason, so now I'm all confused again. I should not let things like that happen. The thing is, it's hard for me NOT to let them happen cause I actually do want him to want to be with me. The fact that he keeps on playin around with my head makes me upset....I promised MYSELF that I wouldn't let people do that to me anymore. But, alas, I did email him today and asked him why he didn't call. I'll keep you posted on that one.
  On the plus side, Katie isn't mad at me for spending the weekend away from her and Calumet. I thought she was gonna be mad, I was scared she was gonna be mad. But I'm glad she's not though. Cause I did have a good time even though on Saturday Ashley was crying and barfing and getting kicked out of Autio's house by his girlfriend Amanda for....well....not really doing anything but crying. Anyway, I have some other things to do on the site today so I will write again tomorrow.
November 26th, 2003

  Thanksgiving is tomorrow but we're having it today at school. I like to eat so that doesn't really bother me. I think I am planning on actually hanging out with Tom with weekend....but I'm not gonna hope for it cause if I do that that means I am expecting something to happen, and I refuse to do that. I guess I can only hope, secretly right now, that good things will come of this. I have yet to really tell anyone cause last time this happened I kinda ended up looking stupid. Anyway, it is almost lunch time now, and we don't get to eat until 1:30.....which is annoying but tolerable cause I think Katie wants to go to Taco Bell. I like 7 layer burritos. Yum. The one thing you have to remember about Taco Bell is never to eat the meat, cause it's grade F meat and that's NO GOOD.
Continued